Why do paternity tests feel like such an inherent accusation of low character?
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Because they are. The fact that there's nothing for you to hide it's what's making it feel like that because your boyfriends parents don't (want to) believe you.
All the best for you and your pregnancy! Meanwhile you can use the time and think of extra petty ways to send them the test results (e.g. frame them, make a reveal party, ...).
So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
No one has ever been told to pay child support for a kid that isn’t theirs?
There is no reason to be petty. This is just parents looking out for their son. 18 years of child support is a ton of money, and that’s if the kid is healthy. If there is medical issues the amount jumps significantly if you are in the US.
Paternity tests should be automatic on all new borns.
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Because society has decided that we need to shame women for everything they do. Particularly as related to sex.
On the one hand, a paternity test is pretty reasonable, especially at a young age where it can have massive implications.
On the other hand, they are often weaponised to use as accusatory slut-shaming.
The only thing you did wrong was maybe not being careful enough, but God knows we've all been there, and it's always possible even if you are very careful.
Best of luck and most importantly, keep your head high.
If there's families and non-independent kids involved, a paternity test is just a way to set tje record straight, depending on how it's handled, there could be no judgement. Remember that you know the truth, but others don't, and you can always be sure of who is the mother, but not the father, and this is biological.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
wrote last edited by [email protected](50+ years old married dude speaking from France, just so you know)
I don't know if this can help you feel better about that test but if I was your boyfriend's father I can assure it would not be about you specifically. Not at all. I mean, as much I can observe what's going on with young (and with not so young) people around us and even more so on social media, there is a lot of... let's just say there is a lot of lying everywhere (and no, I'm not blaming girls specifically as it takes two people to make love). So, just to be 100% sure, I would suggest my boy to have that test done it would not matter how much I may already appreciate you as a person and as his girlfriend, there is just too much at stake. I would suggest him to have that test done but I would also respect his decision to ask for it or to not to ask for it.
Wishing you the best, if doesn't sound too bizarre coming from a complete stranger
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
wrote last edited by [email protected]If you empathise with the other side of the equation, it feels... understandable, right? And that might mute the negative feelings a bit. I mean, you know you're your child's mother while the dad just had to take it on trust up until recently, so wouldn't you also want to be sure if you can, especially if you're more on the anxious, "worst case scenario is the more plausible scenario!" side? It might have less to do with you and more to do with people's inner fears, right?
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So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
No one has ever been told to pay child support for a kid that isn’t theirs?
There is no reason to be petty. This is just parents looking out for their son. 18 years of child support is a ton of money, and that’s if the kid is healthy. If there is medical issues the amount jumps significantly if you are in the US.
Paternity tests should be automatic on all new borns.
So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
I didn't. That's just not the point here. It's about OPs point of view who came here as a not cheating person to talk about their feelings because their partners parents feel like OP may have cheated.
No matter the reasoning of the parents, that they assume OP may have done this is a totally understandable reason for OP to feel how they feel.
It's not like you can go to work, trip and fall and get pregnant from that. So asking for this kind of test always comes with a lack of trust.
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Social stigma causes the damage. None of that is valid or real from a high level abstractive perspective, but gaining such a perspective is a product of middle age. Most social stigma is born from ignorance, backwardness, and dogma. These are also protection mechanisms inherent to youth.
A bit of unsolicited advice, child services is no one's friend. The agents are paid on commission. The system is not balanced or fair. If you have custody, you can push to settle and set amounts lower. If you do not stay involved or become indifferent towards the child's father, child services will likely destroy his life. The suicide rate is not well tracked but is generally known to be much higher. The entire system is built around a bygone era when anyone could simply show up and get a well paid factory job with a sufficient income to own a home and live a life as a primary breadwinner with a stay at home partner. No one alive today without inherited wealth can earn an income to survive with a 30%-40% margin removed. At a young age, such an extreme expense prevents a person from ever getting established on a solid career path. It cuts off many potential career paths that lack stability. Becoming unemployed will ruin a person dealing with child services. Most of the best paying jobs are unstable. Child Services is incentivised to exploit this in a way that ruins lives. You may have the power to change this if you care and can see the big picture.
Oh, but being a single mother at that age is great for career prospects yeah? Young fathers have as much responsibility towards their children as young mothers - saying that 30% of income is too much to pay? Wtf? How much of her income is the mother expected to pay to support her child?
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
wrote last edited by [email protected]its because they dont want to end up taking care of the child, when they have a 18son who knocked you up already have to take care of. they dont want to take care of thier son's mistake. because they know the son is probably not going to take care of it, he doesnt have career, because 18, or self-sufficient, so the caretaking automatically goes to the parents of the bf.
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Don't take offense to it. It's just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.
For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, "Just trust me bro" doesn't quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn't already a formalized relationship like a marriage.
Also, get the fucking home inspection. Don’t ask me how I know.
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Because society has decided that we need to shame women for everything they do. Particularly as related to sex.
On the one hand, a paternity test is pretty reasonable, especially at a young age where it can have massive implications.
On the other hand, they are often weaponised to use as accusatory slut-shaming.
The only thing you did wrong was maybe not being careful enough, but God knows we've all been there, and it's always possible even if you are very careful.
Best of luck and most importantly, keep your head high.
It doesn't have to be about shaming. You obviously know who the mother is but the father isnt definitive until a test and with such a serious situation it's always good to be certain.
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So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
I didn't. That's just not the point here. It's about OPs point of view who came here as a not cheating person to talk about their feelings because their partners parents feel like OP may have cheated.
No matter the reasoning of the parents, that they assume OP may have done this is a totally understandable reason for OP to feel how they feel.
It's not like you can go to work, trip and fall and get pregnant from that. So asking for this kind of test always comes with a lack of trust.
You take OPs words as the truth, no one has ever lied or bent the truth on the internet!
Not that I'm saying they are lying but you never know. The test will clear up any uncertainty and OP shouldn't feel any shame about it
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You take OPs words as the truth, no one has ever lied or bent the truth on the internet!
Not that I'm saying they are lying but you never know. The test will clear up any uncertainty and OP shouldn't feel any shame about it
There's no sense in answering these kind of questions in bad faith.
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Don't take offense to it. It's just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.
For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, "Just trust me bro" doesn't quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn't already a formalized relationship like a marriage.
Due Diligence is exactly it. First time my GF told me she was pregnant, I wanted to do the lightweight version of at least asking the question just to make sure the situation wasn't THAT complex. I summoned language diplomatic enough for Netanyahu to raise a palestinian flag and asked her, just for the record, to explicitly state that I was the father, doing my best to not make it sound like an accusation. Luckily she found it funny.
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Also, get the fucking home inspection. Don’t ask me how I know.
This is me NOT asking how you know, hoping you'll tell an interesting story anyway.
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Oh, but being a single mother at that age is great for career prospects yeah? Young fathers have as much responsibility towards their children as young mothers - saying that 30% of income is too much to pay? Wtf? How much of her income is the mother expected to pay to support her child?
wrote last edited by [email protected]I have experienced this. It is not a hypothetical. I was physically disabled while riding a bicycle to work. I had my business tanked by these shits. I had my commercial driver's licence ruined. I've been all but killed by this issue. There is far more nuance here. Don't be an ass.
It is not even my fault. She was a cheater.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
It is. And good protection on their part. Kids cost a lot of time and money. you will both have a hard time going to college which is almost required for a good life now. It isn't impossible, but life will be very different for you both. there is help for young families, so things are not hopeless for you, but time other kids your age spend partying is time you will spend either raising the kid or studying - because raising the kid happened when the others were studying. Assuming you go to college - many will not and and that costs your future-
If he isn't the father - and plenty of girls have lied about this - then he gets a much better life since he doesn't have responsibility forced on him. Thus good protection on their part.
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If the test came back with unexpected results, it would imply that you were cheating on your BF (assuming it’s a monogamous relationship) and hiding it, therefore, being dishonest. So in a way, the request for a test can be considered accusing you of cheating and lying. So I can see why it would feel insulting and humiliating.
Looking at it from your BF’s parent’s perspective, even if they think you are the most amazing and honest ray of sunshine, it’s their responsibility to look out for their son. And life teaches us that people who seem wonderful can sometimes surprise us and even the most solid relationships can fall apart. 18 years of child support is a lot of money ( $100k+?). Maybe you will have a long and happy marriage or whatever but they have to consider the possibility. So before their son potentially signs up for a $100k+ commitment, I can see why they would want to trust but verify.
Regardless, it isn’t reasonable to expect 18 years olds to be abstinent. Accidents happen all the time and probably account for like half the human population. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully, you and your BF can move forward with solid love and support from both of your parents. Good luck!
Sigh. The way my little one eats, 100k would barely cover the cost of food on the table for the next couple decades...
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Don't take offense to it. It's just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.
For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, "Just trust me bro" doesn't quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn't already a formalized relationship like a marriage.
This is the answer.
Getting the inspector to take a look isn't an accusation, it's just to confirm that everything is as it seems.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
wrote last edited by [email protected]When I was in my early twenties, I thought paternity tests were something reasonable that maybe everyone should do, just to avoid possible problems in some cases.
I have to tell you, now I have kids and did no paternity tests. My wife and I love each other immensely, we wanted kids, we tried until we got them. It would be insulting to suggest a paternity test on that situation.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
It shouldn't be insulting
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
As others have said, it's a pretty reasonable request by his parents, they need to protect their kid. Doesn't mean it can't feel humiliating.
On the positive side, you avoided decades of little remarks (definitely meant as jokes) about how he might not be the father from his parents.
Also, if you ever need to go to court, you already have proof it's truly his kid.
So, I'm not saying it doesn't suck and doesn't feel humiliating, just trying to provide a few positive things to try focusing on.
