'Uber for Armed Guards' Rushes to Market Following the Assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO | Are you scared to walk down the streets of NYC and also have too much money? There's an app for that
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There's no way this could backfire
ToS says the app accepts zero liability so the legal person is safe here
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ToS says the app accepts zero liability so the legal person is safe here
Sounds like they thought of everything
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Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
What a dystopian nightmare we live in right now. Remember when politicians told us we have choices in our healthcare? I guess it says something that insurance CEOs are so hated that they need armed body guards and we're so happy about "all our choices".
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This is only going to be used by poseurs.
Or the delusional. Anyone with a serious security concern has mitigation plans in place. This is for people who think they need security because reasons, mainly to satiate their ego.
I remember right after the UHC assassination I was in getting a haircut, and there was another guy getting cut that was loudly spouting off about how he was afraid for his life because he's a CEO. Like dude, you're a CEO of a small local financial services firm, not the CEO of a massive conglomerate. I'm technically the CEO of my small contracting company that's incorporated. We are not targets (unless you're a massive prick, which by the way he was talking was quite possible), but if one of us got popped it wouldn't make the news, nor are we likely to be targeted, calm down lol.
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Sounds like they thought of everything
Luigi has entered the chat
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This is some cyberpunk shit.
Luigi save us
Their response wasn't to fix the problem, it was to find a better way to subjugate people. Clearly his methods aren't the solution. They're just an easy way to pass the problem off to someone else without you having to put in the effort to help fix it yourself.
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It's all fun and games until the database gets leaked and guards start getting offers to off a particular client.
...Or one of the guards has a family member kidnapped and held unless they oopsie, looked the wrong way.
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There's no way this could backfire
Gang for hire.
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...Or one of the guards has a family member kidnapped and held unless they oopsie, looked the wrong way.
Easier way is just to signup. Maybe they vet some of the bodyguards...
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It's all fun and games until the database gets leaked and guards start getting offers to off a particular client.
Exactly, if $ will get you a thug defense…$$ will get you a thug offense.
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Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
Seems like an easy way to get close to a target.
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Easier way is just to signup. Maybe they vet some of the bodyguards...
It sounds like potential guards have to have combat experience or significant police experience. So it's probably not something the average person is going to be able to do.
OTOH, a single bodyguard mercing their protectee would nuke the whole company, which would be pretty funny.
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Their response wasn't to fix the problem, it was to find a better way to subjugate people. Clearly his methods aren't the solution. They're just an easy way to pass the problem off to someone else without you having to put in the effort to help fix it yourself.
Then they haven't had enough.
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Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
Lmao they mimic the camera footage of the CEO murder for their promotional image.
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It's all fun and games until the database gets leaked and guards start getting offers to off a particular client.
Auction mode would be a nice feature
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Seems like an easy way to get close to a target.
"Yes hello I am your security detail, don't worry I brought exactly enough bullets."
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This is some cyberpunk shit.
Luigi save us
Luigi could’ve passed the screening check to become the guy’s bodyguard. Maybe he even would’ve had a better opportunity to escape.
Many, many ruthless tyrants and other nasty people have been killed by their own bodyguards over the years. And these are often guards who have been properly vetted.
How vetted are these Uber rentacops gonna be? No criminal record doesn’t mean you can trust the person if you’re some ruthless bastard with a lot of enemies.
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Protector, an app that lets you book armed goons the same way you’d call for an Uber, is having a viral moment.
Protector lets the user book armed guards on demand. Right now it’s only available in NYC and LA. According to its marketing, every guard is either “active duty or retired law enforcement and military.” Every booking comes with a motorcade and users get to select the number of Escalades that’ll be joining them as well as the uniforms their hired goons will wear.
Protector is currently “#7 in Travel” on Apple’s App Store. It’s not available for people who use Android devices. Sorry Google phone fans, if you want your own armed goons you’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of goon employment.
The marketing for Protector, which lives on its X account, is surreal. A series of robust and barrel-chested men in ill-fitting black suits deliver their credentials to the camera while sitting in front of a black background. They’re all operators. They describe careers in SWAT teams and being deployed to war zones. They show vanity shots of themselves kitted out in operator gear. All of them have a red lapel pin bearing the symbol of Protector.
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
Ah. So civilian mercs can be bought by corpos for a raid at a moments notice. Great. What's the patchnotes for the resistance movement again? Oh yeah. Removed the ability to communicate cryptographically. Our only tool. Thanks devs
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It sounds like potential guards have to have combat experience or significant police experience. So it's probably not something the average person is going to be able to do.
OTOH, a single bodyguard mercing their protectee would nuke the whole company, which would be pretty funny.
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Lmao they mimic the camera footage of the CEO murder for their promotional image.
Brian would be proud to know he's still bringing market value to someone.
