Would it be a bad idea to let our son’s girlfriend live with us?
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
It's the sort of thing I'd agree to because I hate commutes and that sort of inefficency. But it's also probably a bad idea. It's a lot of stress on a relationship, also it gives weird incentives - what if she no longer likes your son but wants to keep dating him to avoid having to get up early. That's not fair on either of them.
If you do it, would it be an option to offer that she stays a couple of nights each week, on a trial basis? That way she still gets to avoid some commutes, but it's obviously temporary and easier to back out of for everyone. If there's any issues you can not invite her back without having to evict a teenager.
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No one is renting out a room in a 1k population village with no tourism. Home-owning is the norm there.
Ok. I suggest to find more "what if" questions and discuss them with all the involved parties. This should help to find an agreement that is more solid than a plain yes or no.
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She’d move back home.
What happens if she wants to break up but chooses to stay miserable in the relationship because of the hardship she would have if they did separate.
This puts a definite imbalance in the relationship where she is dependent on your son/you.
There are also financial concerns, like is she going to pay you rent and food? Does your son pay that as well? This creates all sorts of awkward dynamics for them both and for you.
I would say no.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
A) There's no way it's just about the commute if the parents are asking about it. Figure out the real motive(s), could be something simply like money for the family, but could be something more complex like problems at home. Get to the bottom of the request before even considering it.
B) High-school romances are sketchy at the best of times, nobody involved has learned to be responsible yet. The chances of this going poorly are high. There's a huge difference between sleeping over sometimes and becoming a member of the household where chores and noise and other stressors exist.
Personally, I'd be inclined to say no unless there's some sort of bad situation going on where she is. If she is going hungry at home due to lack of resources or something, I'd figure out some options. It doesn't sound like neglect or abuse based on the parents asking you, but maybe?
You could always just work out something a bit more regular in terms of sleepovers for school nights, but making sure she gets some time with her family too.
And make sure condoms are easily available to your son.
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It's the sort of thing I'd agree to because I hate commutes and that sort of inefficency. But it's also probably a bad idea. It's a lot of stress on a relationship, also it gives weird incentives - what if she no longer likes your son but wants to keep dating him to avoid having to get up early. That's not fair on either of them.
If you do it, would it be an option to offer that she stays a couple of nights each week, on a trial basis? That way she still gets to avoid some commutes, but it's obviously temporary and easier to back out of for everyone. If there's any issues you can not invite her back without having to evict a teenager.
Sure, that’s an option. But she already kind of does that, just not for commute purposes. For example finish school on Friday but instead of going home she comes over with son & stays until Sunday.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
All the best to those who counsel prudence here, all I have is an anecdote. I had a major falling out with my mom at that age, moved out with no plan. Luckily my girlfriend's parents took me in.
It was difficult for them, and awkward, and at that age I was in hindsight a pain in the ass, but I got to spend time with a family that has real values, rituals, culture, and bonds. I got to spend time learning a little more about what kind of person I want to become.
I didn't stay with the girl, but I owe at least bit of everything I've achieved in the decades since to the kindness her parents showed me. I still email them, twenty years later. I'd be a runt if I ever tried to talk anyone out of that kindness.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
would you and your partner be okay with it it seems is the big question. It could be a bit of a burden -- but it doesn't have to be a bad idea.
I would try to focus on my and our needs before evaluating the others needs. You ought to feel fairly comfortable with the idea
as for the relationship it might just be a really good way for them to try out cohabitation in a safe enviroment. Especially if they would confide any challenges in your partner and you.
you could start with a test-period, to give yourself some options.
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would you and your partner be okay with it it seems is the big question. It could be a bit of a burden -- but it doesn't have to be a bad idea.
I would try to focus on my and our needs before evaluating the others needs. You ought to feel fairly comfortable with the idea
as for the relationship it might just be a really good way for them to try out cohabitation in a safe enviroment. Especially if they would confide any challenges in your partner and you.
you could start with a test-period, to give yourself some options.
When she stays over she helps around the house, is nice, respectful & responsible. That’s what makes me feel pretty comfortable with the idea. Son & her aren’t rowdy kids at all.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
I would go to sleep every night hoping that they don’t get pregnant.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
Depends, are you desperate to become a grandparent? Just kidding, it's a bad idea no matter the answer to that.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]The teenager in me sooo wants you to do it...
The adult in me however...
It's a bit strange that it's the parents asking. Maybe their daughter asked them to ask you; if not... well... why? It's not enough to say it's good for her commute unless it's more than 1.5 hours. I immediately suspect that money is involved somehow, maybe like others have said, and yourself in your post, they're having money issues and would rather someone else take care of her. Is it something you can easily afford?
Most importantly, do they practice safe sex? Does she have birth control or preferably in IUD? Does your son have condoms? Maybe they're pulling some feudal shit and told her to get pregnant. God, I hope not but I wouldn't be surprised.
I would sit down and talk with both of them about this. Maybe as a condition of her staying she has to have an IUD. 16 is the minimum and it is questionable to even ask that of someone in the first place but if they agree then you know they're not counting on her getting pregnant. *Also would be a tenuous conversation considering how fickle North Americans are about sex.
Well, hopefully it was the daughter that asked her parents to ask you, then well, I still don't know lol.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]My sister in law moved in with is when she was 17 and my brother 18 (they married several years later so back then she was just his girlfriend of a year). She dreaded being home and spent most of the time at our house anyway so it wasn't a big change. It worked out pretty well.
My youngest half sister also dreaded being home alone with her mother and spent practically all her free time, including nights at het boyfriends home. When they broke up she bought some farewell gifts for his parents and she cried more about losing her alternative family than about the breakup.
Things can work out, but they don't have to. You know your son and his girlfriend better than us. If you decide to let her move in with you make sure that
- She can still return home (as in her family welcomes her back and don't make her move official to any authorities, treat it as a veeery long sleepover)
- She won't stay in a relationship with your son just to stay at your house
- In case you have any ideas / expectations regarding when they should move out, make it known before
- Communicate and potential changes in your daily life's upfront e.g. if you expect her to pick up chores when she moves in
If you have a bad feeling about this, doubt this can work, ... Don't do it. You may resent her or your son if things don't work out as you hoped.
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I would set up a rental agreement even if it’s $5/mo.
Max 2 years till she is 18 is $220 extra.
Is that really worth not giving them the kindness of simply not involving money in this?
What if they said no, because they fear that if you jump to this from the go you might capitalise on other things in the future? Regardless of amount it shows greed. Explain that to son.
What would be more fair ( and protecting more then $220 of your own pocket ) is setting boundaries.
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Only during school weeks, weekends she goes home.
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You will not pay for any medical costs.
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The teenager in me sooo wants you to do it...
The adult in me however...
It's a bit strange that it's the parents asking. Maybe their daughter asked them to ask you; if not... well... why? It's not enough to say it's good for her commute unless it's more than 1.5 hours. I immediately suspect that money is involved somehow, maybe like others have said, and yourself in your post, they're having money issues and would rather someone else take care of her. Is it something you can easily afford?
Most importantly, do they practice safe sex? Does she have birth control or preferably in IUD? Does your son have condoms? Maybe they're pulling some feudal shit and told her to get pregnant. God, I hope not but I wouldn't be surprised.
I would sit down and talk with both of them about this. Maybe as a condition of her staying she has to have an IUD. 16 is the minimum and it is questionable to even ask that of someone in the first place but if they agree then you know they're not counting on her getting pregnant. *Also would be a tenuous conversation considering how fickle North Americans are about sex.
Well, hopefully it was the daughter that asked her parents to ask you, then well, I still don't know lol.
I’m very open with my son, man-to-man. We talk about sex without awkwardness. He always has condoms in his room & condoms in his backpack/wallet at my recommendation (never know when the heat of the moment hits & better safe than sorry). I taught him to take control of his own contraception (not be like oh girlfriend says she’s on the pill so I won’t use condoms). So I know safe sex is practiced. And when it comes to money, that’s not an issue, we’re comfortable.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
All my instincts yell NOOOO from the depths of my soul.
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Max 2 years till she is 18 is $220 extra.
Is that really worth not giving them the kindness of simply not involving money in this?
What if they said no, because they fear that if you jump to this from the go you might capitalise on other things in the future? Regardless of amount it shows greed. Explain that to son.
What would be more fair ( and protecting more then $220 of your own pocket ) is setting boundaries.
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Only during school weeks, weekends she goes home.
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You will not pay for any medical costs.
The $ amount isn’t for income, it’s to create a legal contract and establish them as a renter.
Additionally I would look at the home owners insurance and see if it covers this sort of situation.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
OP,
If you want to show this kindness you should.
The people discouraging you not to seem to think you will jump in blind, but if you keep your head level this is totally doable.
Speak with the mom, visit her house to learn more about the people you are helping. I agree with the people who assume its about more then distance.
Set boundaries, for example return home
In the weekends/vacation. Things you will/wont provide.
Get those Boundaries formalised on paper.Contemplate what you would do if the lovers start fighting, possibly break up. Personally i think If she was still allowed to stay it would be valuable lessen on how to mend after a fight for both. After all people who are married still fight on occasion.
If done properly this could be a gift towards all involved parties.
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The $ amount isn’t for income, it’s to create a legal contract and establish them as a renter.
Additionally I would look at the home owners insurance and see if it covers this sort of situation.
Ok, thats actually something i never considered, it’s a symbolic amount to get legal protection.
i can see how some laws require stuff like this. Sorry to have misjudged the intent of your suggestion.
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Our son is 17, and his girlfriend is 16. They’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for two years. They’re in the same high school class. The girlfriend comes from a poorer family and lives in the countryside, so her commute to school in the city is quite long. We live in the city. With the start of the new school year, her parents asked my wife and me if she could move in with us, since it would save her time. Our son and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and she already sleeps over fairly often. Naturally, our son and his girlfriend are both excited about the idea. We told them we’d think about it.
Probably it is a bad idea. But life is nothing but choices either good or bad we have to learn live with.
My first concern is the birth control. And what happens if it fails.
There are other good ideas in the thread: to charge a token amount of rent with a rental agreement. You have to have a way of legally remove an unwanted guest.
Probably having some strict rules put in writing for her - even if she is a real angel - would help also in the long run.
Most people won't spend their life wih their high school sweetheart. This is a very strong thing you have to able to defend both kids from. They need the freedom of the ability to break up without putting any one in an awkward situation. The convenience should not lock the girl into a situation that she could have been better out of. Or the boy would feel guilt so he wouldn't break up with her, so she won't turn "homeless". You can never know.
Maybe getting her a student apartment somewhere else would be a way better option. Maybe there are goverment or student grants for her to apply?
