Divorcees of Lemmy, why did your marriage end?
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
She didn't change; she finally revealed herself. In short, her attachment type is anxious-avoidant. That shit burns down everything around it. She was jealous AND cheating, which was just rich given that we were ENM/poly. I was so busy with life, work, and my sailboat that I only had romantic bandwidth for her.
I am forever changed. I went on an intensive therapeutic and introspective journey. Anxious-avoidant people can be immensely attractive anxious attachment types like me. I identified that in myself, addressed my own life traumas, and developed my personal boundaries. These days, I'm less poly, more monogamish. I approached dating with explicitly defined intentions and must-haves, rather than just random chance. I found the partner of my dreams, and we're about to celebrate eight years together.
Early on, there were mutual warning signs, but we both thought we had the tools to face any challenges. As I mentioned, I had poor boundaries, which now would put an immediate end to any such bullshit.
What can I offer now?
- Learn Attachment Theory and know yourself
- Read John Gottman books before and all during your relationships
- Get professional therapeutic help; CBT, DBT, EFT... you might already have all the tools, but a good therapist will teach how to use them in integration
- Learn non-violent communication and/or take a workshop; this will provide massive return on investment in all aspects of your life
- Practice meditation and mindfulness; also pays dividends everywhere
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Are you ok?
Poor and sober. Can it be considered as ok?
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]There's no central reason, just a large imaginary orb colored with various reasons.
K couldn't grow out of weekly spending to spend, or hoping for the impossible. She couldn't have kids, and she held a lot of it against me for not trying hard enough when I more saw it as her not facing biological, medical reality with what her doctors were telling her, lose weight and maybe, you have a shot. No? (PCOS)
With our parents aging and no one around to take care of them, I was left with a hard decision, spin my tires on someone I had over a decade of attachment to who had grown to hate me or go take care of my disabled mom.
Coin flipped, and while I don't regret my decision, I still miss her, but I have zero drive whatsoever to have a love life. There's too much to do, a country in political turmoil and a busy family that I don't want to damage with someone potentially untrustworthy.
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
We were roommates, along with 4 other people, fresh out of high school. She and I grew closer, and before we knew it we were sharing a room together. Things went good for a couple of years, then we found out she was pregnant. Fast forward like 3 or 4 years, we bought a house. After a long engagement we were finally married, though we had lived together the whole time. Idk exactly why it ended. I was deep in the closet at that time, happy to be the man in the family as it meant having a wife, a son, a house and a car. I knew she would not accept me being trans, let alone pansexual, but again I was happy with my life. We fought for sure, over money and such. I guess we just fell out of love, and grew apart. Idk. After the divorce, she hated my guts, and still seems to strongly dislike me to this day, about 12 or so years later.
We co-parented decently for a couple of years after the divorce, but that fell apart. We haven’t actually spoken to each other in a few years, and I am fine with that. I dislike her, but as she is the mother of our son, I wouldn’t wish anything ill upon her.
I’m sure I was a shitty husband in ways that I did not see at the time, and never really cared to figure out to this day. I’d like to think that I have become a better person, and I think there are plenty of people in my life now that would say so.
I should note that after we divorced, I set up a profile on Grindr, which she found out about. She did not take that well. It was like 4-6 years later that I came out as trans and decided to be my true self.
TL;DR: I really don’t know if there was an actual reason to point to to say why we split up. I guess we both changed as we grew and became adults.
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She came from a pretty messed up family. Not as bad as some but there was some pretty gross stuff going on. We dated for a long time, maybe 7 or 8 years. We got married, she was safe. And she started to grow and seek therapy. She grew into herself and it turned out we didn't love each other anymore.
Do you two stay in touch? It sounds like it may have been for the best, if you two grew apart. I hope that doesn’t sound callous to say. I hope you’re both in a great place now.
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We were roommates, along with 4 other people, fresh out of high school. She and I grew closer, and before we knew it we were sharing a room together. Things went good for a couple of years, then we found out she was pregnant. Fast forward like 3 or 4 years, we bought a house. After a long engagement we were finally married, though we had lived together the whole time. Idk exactly why it ended. I was deep in the closet at that time, happy to be the man in the family as it meant having a wife, a son, a house and a car. I knew she would not accept me being trans, let alone pansexual, but again I was happy with my life. We fought for sure, over money and such. I guess we just fell out of love, and grew apart. Idk. After the divorce, she hated my guts, and still seems to strongly dislike me to this day, about 12 or so years later.
We co-parented decently for a couple of years after the divorce, but that fell apart. We haven’t actually spoken to each other in a few years, and I am fine with that. I dislike her, but as she is the mother of our son, I wouldn’t wish anything ill upon her.
I’m sure I was a shitty husband in ways that I did not see at the time, and never really cared to figure out to this day. I’d like to think that I have become a better person, and I think there are plenty of people in my life now that would say so.
I should note that after we divorced, I set up a profile on Grindr, which she found out about. She did not take that well. It was like 4-6 years later that I came out as trans and decided to be my true self.
TL;DR: I really don’t know if there was an actual reason to point to to say why we split up. I guess we both changed as we grew and became adults.
️It sounds like you were really able to make space for yourself after you two separated. To figure out who you were at your core, outside of being a parent and a partner. I’m happy to see you were able to transition and live openly, and I really admire your ability to admit your own mistakes and flaws. Wishing you both the best.
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]I could write an entire book on the reasons. The main factor was she cheated on me, wanted to make it work, I believed her, she hid the affair for 3 years (not very well) I discovered it again.
Men can be abused too. Yeah, I'm physically much bigger, but there is absolutely no way to defend yourself without looking like the bad guy, which she was well aware of.
She was also terrible in bed. And unfortunately about as sharp as a bowling ball and a few fries short of a happy meal.
Advice: Don't marry someone just because they are hot.
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I could write an entire book on the reasons. The main factor was she cheated on me, wanted to make it work, I believed her, she hid the affair for 3 years (not very well) I discovered it again.
Men can be abused too. Yeah, I'm physically much bigger, but there is absolutely no way to defend yourself without looking like the bad guy, which she was well aware of.
She was also terrible in bed. And unfortunately about as sharp as a bowling ball and a few fries short of a happy meal.
Advice: Don't marry someone just because they are hot.
Now I want to hear more about this intellectual monolith
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It sounds like you were really able to make space for yourself after you two separated. To figure out who you were at your core, outside of being a parent and a partner. I’m happy to see you were able to transition and live openly, and I really admire your ability to admit your own mistakes and flaws. Wishing you both the best.
Thank you for the kind words. I’m sure she would have a different take on this, though I will never know. Some things are not meant to have finality I suppose.
️I hope to someday have someone to call my partner again. We’ll see.
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Thank you for the kind words. I’m sure she would have a different take on this, though I will never know. Some things are not meant to have finality I suppose.
️I hope to someday have someone to call my partner again. We’ll see.
I hope to someday have someone to call my partner again. We’ll see.
I believe that you will. I believe there’s someone out there for everyone. I hope that you and your someone find each other soon.
And not having closure can feel awful. Maybe one day, if it feels right, you two can have a good faith conversation and at least get a sense of finality? If that’s what you both want, of course.
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]My wife came to realize she needed to date women. That, and she had very bad anxiety that she began to refuse to treat. She had multiple screaming and crying breakdowns over simple social situations with my family. She couldn't leave the house for months. I was working two jobs, taking care of our animals, and doing all the housework. She would lay on the couch and doomscroll all day.
I spent 40 hours on the phone with Kaiser Permanente trying to get her a therapist. When we finally did get her a therapist, the therapist told her that she was autistic, that the anxiety she experienced was just who she was, and that other people should just accept it.
We were going to couples counseling, too, and I said in one session that her anxiety was something she needed to work on with the goal of ultimately fixing it, because it was maladaptive and making both our lives really hard. The therapist cautiously agreed with me. Afterwards, she demanded to fire the therapist and moved out of the house. She stayed with my aunt and uncle for a month. I think she would have continued to drag it out, for a year or more, but I had no faith in the relationship anymore. When she sent me an email reiterating the same unactionable, generic criticisms she had always raised in couples counseling, I told her we should just get divorced.
The actual divorce was amicable. We had no kids and few possessions. I bought her out of most of it and we split the rest. No lawyer needed. She moved into a house with a group of lesbians and started over.
I struggled with feelings of failure and inadequacy for a few years after that: why couldn't I help her? Why couldn't I make her happy? It's taken a decent amount of therapy, but I have come to understand that sometimes things end without a conclusive reason, and we don't have full control over the outcome of our lives. I could have done everything right, and it still would have ended.
There were many good years prior to things unraveling. A blooming flower is no less pretty because it will wilt.
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Poor and sober. Can it be considered as ok?
Way better than poor and alcoholic
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
There were no obvious reasons. An accumulation of life factors, like deaths in the family and job insecurity, led us both into a detached survival state, and her survival instinct is to run. There wasn't much warning, and it happened when I was away for a family event.
This hit me so hard that I bet everything on giving her space to see what she was missing and find the way back. That turned into years of no contact. When we did eventually get in touch again, it was clear that I made a mistake. Life had not been easy for her. We had both likely been going through some kind of breakdown, not knowing the other was experiencing the same.
We're now very close again in a lot of ways. I think it's fair to say we're more honest and trusting with each other than anyone else. We've both grown and matured significantly.
Unfortunately, distance from her family, and I sense some guilt over the whole thing has made it hard to fully reconcile. Now we're on opposite sides of the world. She's still struggling but determined to tick off some big life goals. It's no secret that I would go back to our old life together in a heartbeat, but having so much already weighing on her makes it difficult to even think about relationships.
I'm not sure what the lesson is there. I guess it's about remembering to look out for our own mental wellbeing, because without it we can't fully look out for those we care about.
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]My wife started fucking a coworker she supervised, another woman, so she had me arrested, lied to the police and child services, then send my terminally ill mother to the hospital to die so she could move the lover into my house, emptied my bank account, maxed out my credit card, stole my work computers, posesiones, most belongings, and truck, Then blocked me from seeing my child, one I raised as a stay at home dad while she worked/fucked around. I am $18k in debt, with a bullshit arrest record and sleeping in my car.
Do I win?
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
We didn't love each other anymore
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I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
First one, we were sexually incompatible (both tops) which only got worse over time. We opened the relationship which doomed it.
Second one, in progress: we're both addicts, I got sober, he's still struggling, but I think he won't get clean until I am actually good and gone. Enablement is sometimes not something you can avoid doing once the systems are built... resentments the same.
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She didn't change; she finally revealed herself. In short, her attachment type is anxious-avoidant. That shit burns down everything around it. She was jealous AND cheating, which was just rich given that we were ENM/poly. I was so busy with life, work, and my sailboat that I only had romantic bandwidth for her.
I am forever changed. I went on an intensive therapeutic and introspective journey. Anxious-avoidant people can be immensely attractive anxious attachment types like me. I identified that in myself, addressed my own life traumas, and developed my personal boundaries. These days, I'm less poly, more monogamish. I approached dating with explicitly defined intentions and must-haves, rather than just random chance. I found the partner of my dreams, and we're about to celebrate eight years together.
Early on, there were mutual warning signs, but we both thought we had the tools to face any challenges. As I mentioned, I had poor boundaries, which now would put an immediate end to any such bullshit.
What can I offer now?
- Learn Attachment Theory and know yourself
- Read John Gottman books before and all during your relationships
- Get professional therapeutic help; CBT, DBT, EFT... you might already have all the tools, but a good therapist will teach how to use them in integration
- Learn non-violent communication and/or take a workshop; this will provide massive return on investment in all aspects of your life
- Practice meditation and mindfulness; also pays dividends everywhere
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Thank you for this. My wife left about a week ago. It blindsided me, but I'm hindsight I could have seen it. She's been throwing herself into her work for the last 4 years. I felt the lack of love, but never had the tools to express my needs. Whenever we talked about it, we ended up fighting.
In hindsight, if someone is not feeling love in a marriage, why would they stay?
Like you, we also always thought we had the tools to work things out.
I've learned now that in our relationship she has been anxiously attached -- it makes sense now why I could never have the "rational" kind of conversation I wanted with her.
Meanwhile I have been avoidant or possibly fearful-avoidant. What I thought of as "taking a break in an argument when things get heated" to go independently deal with my emotions must have been painful for her, and she would then chase me. End result: neither of us was able to regulate our emotions.
I've was open to ENM in our relationship, but she was against it, so we never persued it. So it stings even more seeing signs that she's been cheating on me. Though I guess, even in ENM, why would you keep seeing a partner whom you feel no love for anymore?
In the last week I have been cramming attachment theory, Gottman, NVC, trying to have some idea of what the hell happened. Now I realize that if I don't work on myself, I will bring all of my problems to any future relationship. I'm only at the very start of the journey, and every day is still painful -- our relationship lasted 15 years, and that can't be unwound quickly.
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My wife started fucking a coworker she supervised, another woman, so she had me arrested, lied to the police and child services, then send my terminally ill mother to the hospital to die so she could move the lover into my house, emptied my bank account, maxed out my credit card, stole my work computers, posesiones, most belongings, and truck, Then blocked me from seeing my child, one I raised as a stay at home dad while she worked/fucked around. I am $18k in debt, with a bullshit arrest record and sleeping in my car.
Do I win?
That’s really bad but now I’m curious how she spins it so you’re the villain.
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She didn't change; she finally revealed herself. In short, her attachment type is anxious-avoidant. That shit burns down everything around it. She was jealous AND cheating, which was just rich given that we were ENM/poly. I was so busy with life, work, and my sailboat that I only had romantic bandwidth for her.
I am forever changed. I went on an intensive therapeutic and introspective journey. Anxious-avoidant people can be immensely attractive anxious attachment types like me. I identified that in myself, addressed my own life traumas, and developed my personal boundaries. These days, I'm less poly, more monogamish. I approached dating with explicitly defined intentions and must-haves, rather than just random chance. I found the partner of my dreams, and we're about to celebrate eight years together.
Early on, there were mutual warning signs, but we both thought we had the tools to face any challenges. As I mentioned, I had poor boundaries, which now would put an immediate end to any such bullshit.
What can I offer now?
- Learn Attachment Theory and know yourself
- Read John Gottman books before and all during your relationships
- Get professional therapeutic help; CBT, DBT, EFT... you might already have all the tools, but a good therapist will teach how to use them in integration
- Learn non-violent communication and/or take a workshop; this will provide massive return on investment in all aspects of your life
- Practice meditation and mindfulness; also pays dividends everywhere
Always cringe when you see someone that's ENM cheat... Like bruh your partner is/was very cool with basically anything... And you still found a way to betray trust
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Now I want to hear more about this intellectual monolith
this, uh..... cerebral menhir ?
