What strict parents actually teach
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Strict is only "bad" when the structure is bad.
Being strict about not playing with fire is a good thing. Being strict about never going near a campfire is, at best neutral, and could be bad when taken to an extreme. Being strict about never going camping is bad.
Strict only means keeping rules in place. It doesn't mean you can't be flexible, that you can't adjust rules as the kid ages and matures. It definitely doesn't mean the rules have to be arbitrary and can't be explained and discussed.
You think being strict about a kid not using racial slurs is a bad thing?
Or making them see a doctor regularly and as needed?
Or that they bathe?
The list of things that can't be negotiable is very long if you go into detail.
The list of things that can't be negotiable at a given level of age and maturity isn't short either.
Strict doesn't have to be done badly at all. It's just that uncompromising strictness is the opposite end of a slider from utter laissez faire. Which has just as many flaws.
There's a reason that authoritative is the usual recommended goal; it's being strict when necessary, and loose when not. But "strict" is part of that. Strict is making sure that there's a reliable structure a kid can build a foundation of self on. It's the walls of the sandbox and the sheet of material under out that keeps weeds from poking through.
The sandbox of development is the freedom to play within those boundaries. It doesn't have to mean all noes, or all have tos.
Strict is, "you'll do your homework because it's part of the process of learning. When do you want to do it, and what can I do to help?"
Abusive is "you'll do your homework or I'll beat your ass", and then beating their ass as the first and only option.
Being strict with a few select things is fine. Being a strict parent is not. That means being strict with everything.
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What is strict? When I was a kid that was a wooden spoon or a belt. Across the backside or hands. As well as a long list of chores. The strap still hung on the wall of the principal's office at school as a warning but didn't get used anymore. Mostly suspensions and expulsions were the flavor of the day.
I got called a strict parent on Lemmy not so long ago because we limit screen time in our house to an hour a day with some exceptions. Our kids walk to town alone at 10 years old though (2 km one way) and have the knowledge and awareness to manage on their own. We trust them and they in turn make mostly good choices. They are kids after all.
Is it unusual for 10 year old kids to walk around alone where you are from? Its quite old to just atart with that here. Many kids go to school alone from first grade onwards.
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Is it unusual for 10 year old kids to walk around alone where you are from? Its quite old to just atart with that here. Many kids go to school alone from first grade onwards.
Yes It's unusual for parents to allow their ten year old kids to walk that far alone in our rural area and spend hours away unsupervised in a busy tourist town. It never used to be but the influence of American society via tv radio movies and more inundating people in Canada every day has certainly changed opinions like this. We got phone calls when they were little playing outside in the yard on their own. A coyote was going to eat them. Now we get calls that someone will kidnap them. It's rather ridiculous. There have been decades of cop shows and news reports telling folks people are bad. Now they really believe that.
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Being strict with a few select things is fine. Being a strict parent is not. That means being strict with everything.
Well, no, it doesn't mean that. That is one meaning out of a solid eight or nine, depending on what dictionary you use.
Also, seems like you're being pretty strict about what it and isn't strict. If you're that inflexible about that, what else are you inflexible about?
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There is a difference between strict and abusive.
That's literally what I said originally
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Yes It's unusual for parents to allow their ten year old kids to walk that far alone in our rural area and spend hours away unsupervised in a busy tourist town. It never used to be but the influence of American society via tv radio movies and more inundating people in Canada every day has certainly changed opinions like this. We got phone calls when they were little playing outside in the yard on their own. A coyote was going to eat them. Now we get calls that someone will kidnap them. It's rather ridiculous. There have been decades of cop shows and news reports telling folks people are bad. Now they really believe that.
Thats so sad
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This post did not contain any content.wrote on last edited by [email protected]
I had a wonderful combination of “strict” but also “there aren’t actually rules.”
I could have handled even unreasonable expectations if they had been communicated. But there was no structure at all.
I could ask permission to do something, do it, and then have that permission retroactively revoked. I could have an entirely normal day without anything seeming off, then be grounded for a week because there were dishes in the sink or something.
It never made any sense.
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That's a perfect example of where it isn't strict, it's abuse. Or at least right on the border.
Also, damn. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm just glad you found a doc that handled things right.
That is nowhere near the border. If your kid rather bleeds out than facing you because they got some blood on the carpet you're far in abusive territory
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The word you're looking for . . .
Might be, but almost certainly is not.
It 100% is.
My parents were abusive in this way.
My wife and I are strict. There is a huge difference.
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Oof, that's a sobering realization.
Yeah. And a lot of parental abuse happens in gray areas and with good intentions. Sure you have obvious cases, and they're common enough I'd suspect most people know someone or another who was a victim to one. But there's a hell of a lot of parents projecting their fears, traumas, or other issues relating to their kids onto them hard enough to fuck them up.
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My parents were strict about things that didn't matter. They taught swear words and being gay was bad but never taught me anything about surviving life or making money or managing hobbies or anything having to do with self growth or independence.
They limited my ability to grow. Along with society at the time and then blamed me when for it when I became an adult and was socially dysfunctional.
It's weird... If you're not teaching your kids no one really is. They'll end up learning from entertainment or people taking advantage of them. But still people have kids like it's a set it and forget it process and then blame the kid/person for not knowing x thing.
I'm having the exact same issue. Never taught me any life skills. My mum was told by the GP to get me tested for aspergers (as it was then) when I was 15, and she sat on that for over 10 years. Meanwhile I grew up hating myself for not being able to do things that my peers could. Things got worse when I had to get a job and I didn't have the social knowledge to pass interviews. My self esteem got worse, my anxiety ruled my life. I would keep attracting men who treated me like dirt and I couldn't let go because I was so desperate for someone to love and accept me.
She passed away three months ago and now my dad wants to kick me out and I have no freaking idea how to survive in the adult world. I don't know how to go about renting or setting up utilities, I struggle with navigation so my fear of getting lost stops me going places. I'm going to have to leave London because I can't afford a place here. All I get is, when are you moving out? Dad wants to sell the house. It's not fair to deprive your sisters of their share of the house. No offers of help. No acknowledgement that decades of my mum wrapping me in cotton wool and controlling me has left me dysfunctional.
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What is strict? When I was a kid that was a wooden spoon or a belt. Across the backside or hands. As well as a long list of chores. The strap still hung on the wall of the principal's office at school as a warning but didn't get used anymore. Mostly suspensions and expulsions were the flavor of the day.
I got called a strict parent on Lemmy not so long ago because we limit screen time in our house to an hour a day with some exceptions. Our kids walk to town alone at 10 years old though (2 km one way) and have the knowledge and awareness to manage on their own. We trust them and they in turn make mostly good choices. They are kids after all.
I got paddled once at school in 6th grade (this was in the '70s when they still did that shit). Two whacks for talking during class or maybe it was because my desk was messy. The teacher let me choose between two paddles (an evil all by itself) and I foolishly chose the one with holes drilled in it (which leads to greater whack speed and less surface area hit). She took me out in the hall and her first blow missed badly - hit me on my hamstrings behind my knees and they kept hurting for days. She said "oh that one doesn't count" and hit me on my ass twice more.
Weirdly enough, she had marched with Martin Luther King Jr. during the civil rights era and played his "I Have a Dream" speech for the class (not on the say day as my paddling, though).
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It 100% is.
My parents were abusive in this way.
My wife and I are strict. There is a huge difference.
how huge of a difference?
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Yeah, my parents made us leave our cell phones on the kitchen counter so they could read our texts every night, and they installed software on our computers that took screenshots every 5 seconds.
I wonder why I have issues with authority figures and privacy?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]deleted by creator
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Let's not advertise this fascists' work anymore
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Search engines are free to use.
There's a dozen different definitions there. That's not helpful
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The difference can often be negligible to a child's eyes depending on how 'strict' lessons are worded or otherwise expressed. If it is always with scolding after a lack of instruction turned in to idle entertainment that went awry, it sometimes doesn't really matter how relevant the information was.
So, like they said, it's not about being strict, it's about how that information is presented....
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There's a difference between strict and abusive.
Your own judgement.
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The problem is it's often difficult to admit you had abusive parents, and abusive parents love to describe themselves as just strict. So yeah it's kinda a euphemism
Also, when you are raised with abuse then it is hard to recognize abuse.
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No one is going to react to the fact that they have a furry pfp and their handle is "BugCatcherWill"?
I get that people are eager to air their grievances with their parents, but do you really think this guy is talking about the same thing you are? Methinks there's a good reason their parents kept a close eye on them.
