Would you enter a relationship with someone with genital herpes?
-
Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
Wow, that is quite the story. I have struggled with this question and how I would feel on either side of the equation. As a person who grew up in the conservative 90s who became a more balanced and freethinking person, I still have what might be an irrationally strong fear of STDs. This fear combined with religious conditioning around relationships kind of fucked up high school and early college for me. I was supposed to be boning the entire cheer leading team and I was learning about how angry Jesus was at my impure fantasies. My late 20s and 30s have been a lot better, but I still have a really hard time gaging risks and deciding how I feel about them so I tend to err on the side of being overly careful and miss a lot potentially great experiences with people. I think getting tested with a new partner is always wise.
One of the other commenters said "a lifetime of pills and difficult conversations". That's one of the scary places my mind might go to, but you could still reframe it as "I'm going to have get better at communicating needs and boundaries in my relationships, especially early on". That sounds less scary and more fulfilling. I still would like to avoid getting infected.
On a positive note, the fact that she was upfront and honest about it is a good sign. I'd tread carefully but if I really meshed well with the person abd saw a medium/long term future for us, I would probably try to figure something out to make myself more comfortable in the short term, like asking her to confirm she took her meds and using protection. If she cares about you and you make it about your feelings and not blaming her.
Lastly, none of us are perfect and you might have a few oddities she doesn't find particularly pleasant. Rejecting her for something that she can't change could make her feel like she's "not good enough" or "damaged" and even if you guys don't shaboink I wouldn't want a friend or crush to feel that way. That's the shit her ex did. I think it would be better to tell her how you feel about her (positive) and express that your apprehensive about the herpes thing.
Sorry for the wall of text. Thought about it a lot thanks to church school.
-
Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
Yeah, who gives a fuck? more people have it than don't.
-
This is one of those viral diseases that you're unable to avoid if you're going to have any kind of active sex life. Regular oral sex always carries the risk of transfer of "cold sores" (which pretty much everyone has, although some never really show any symptoms) to the genitals.
Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes though
-
Yeah, who gives a fuck? more people have it than don't.
Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes
-
Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
I mean it wouldn't be my first choice. If I found out early enough it might be enough of a push factor not to pursue them.
-
Wow, that is quite the story. I have struggled with this question and how I would feel on either side of the equation. As a person who grew up in the conservative 90s who became a more balanced and freethinking person, I still have what might be an irrationally strong fear of STDs. This fear combined with religious conditioning around relationships kind of fucked up high school and early college for me. I was supposed to be boning the entire cheer leading team and I was learning about how angry Jesus was at my impure fantasies. My late 20s and 30s have been a lot better, but I still have a really hard time gaging risks and deciding how I feel about them so I tend to err on the side of being overly careful and miss a lot potentially great experiences with people. I think getting tested with a new partner is always wise.
One of the other commenters said "a lifetime of pills and difficult conversations". That's one of the scary places my mind might go to, but you could still reframe it as "I'm going to have get better at communicating needs and boundaries in my relationships, especially early on". That sounds less scary and more fulfilling. I still would like to avoid getting infected.
On a positive note, the fact that she was upfront and honest about it is a good sign. I'd tread carefully but if I really meshed well with the person abd saw a medium/long term future for us, I would probably try to figure something out to make myself more comfortable in the short term, like asking her to confirm she took her meds and using protection. If she cares about you and you make it about your feelings and not blaming her.
Lastly, none of us are perfect and you might have a few oddities she doesn't find particularly pleasant. Rejecting her for something that she can't change could make her feel like she's "not good enough" or "damaged" and even if you guys don't shaboink I wouldn't want a friend or crush to feel that way. That's the shit her ex did. I think it would be better to tell her how you feel about her (positive) and express that your apprehensive about the herpes thing.
Sorry for the wall of text. Thought about it a lot thanks to church school.
wrote last edited by [email protected]You, her, and I seem to have pretty similar backgrounds. Although my church was more about “love thy neighbor” than penitence and punishment.
Upon further, clearer headed reading, it seems like it’s actually not as big a deal as we were raised to believe.
As far as her intentions go, I’m not really concerned about that much. I don’t turn anyone away, that’s just not who I am. I was just anxious writing this and a bit of my paranoia spilled out. I have no real reason to doubt her intentions, just trauma from people I should’ve doubted more.
-
Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes though
AFAIK that's not the same thing as "herpes on their genitalia" though. There are two kinds of the virus, type 1 and type 2. However, type 1 can infect the genital area and type 2 can (although it's not as common) infect the throat.
Receiving oral sex from someone with type 1 ("cold sores") can give you herpes on your genitalia. It's still type 1 though, and is thus not referred to as "genital herpes" since that's the name given to type 2. Since many herpes infections are asymptomatic a lot of people don't even know they're infected.
Confusing, yes.
-
AFAIK that's not the same thing as "herpes on their genitalia" though. There are two kinds of the virus, type 1 and type 2. However, type 1 can infect the genital area and type 2 can (although it's not as common) infect the throat.
Receiving oral sex from someone with type 1 ("cold sores") can give you herpes on your genitalia. It's still type 1 though, and is thus not referred to as "genital herpes" since that's the name given to type 2. Since many herpes infections are asymptomatic a lot of people don't even know they're infected.
Confusing, yes.
The question was specifically about genital herpes though so I guess type 2
-
Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
Not because of them, no. If disclosed up front and actively working to keep from sharing them I'd be OK with it.
-
Above someone posted a stat that only 13% have genital herpes
Wikipedia says 60-95% of adults
-
Wikipedia says 60-95% of adults
Are we reading the same article?
In 2015, about 846 million people (12% of the world population) had genital herpes.
-
Are we reading the same article?
In 2015, about 846 million people (12% of the world population) had genital herpes.
Oh, I was looking at the page for Herpes in general. My bad. Have a look at that if you're interested.
-
I mean, I would recommend condoms for other reasons.
I got a vasectomy, so in a committed relationship, I don't care.
-
Oh, I was looking at the page for Herpes in general. My bad. Have a look at that if you're interested.
I think the thread overall has a lot of people talking about herpes in general instead of specifically genital herpes. I wonder if OP edited the title or what
-
Doesn’t like everyone and their cat have herpes?
Not the genital one
-
I think the thread overall has a lot of people talking about herpes in general instead of specifically genital herpes. I wonder if OP edited the title or what
Same answer for me still. Most people who have it are asymptomatic.
-
The question was specifically about genital herpes though so I guess type 2
"Herpes on the genitalia" still doesn't mean type 2. We have no idea what type she has from the included information. Based on the number of infections of the different types simple statistics would say type 1 is more likely.
-
Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
yeah in college my gf had an adventure with a woman who gave her a type 1 genital infection. we tried to work it out but it was just too much. I never got it from her. the threat of getting it (and the whole thing of having to share her when I wasn't 100% on that) was like the end of the world back then. now I wouldn't give a shit! lol
-
"Herpes on the genitalia" still doesn't mean type 2. We have no idea what type she has from the included information. Based on the number of infections of the different types simple statistics would say type 1 is more likely.
wrote last edited by [email protected]I guess the longer comment above was a moot point since the numbers for just "genital herpes" without distinction of type is the 13% number mentioned earlier. It includes type 1 and type 2 from what I can tell.
-
They meant that most people who have herpes don’t know it. It’s very common to have it and never have noticeable symptoms. You can find it with a blood test, but most doctors won’t give you the test because, what’s the point?
67% of the world population has HSV1 and 13% of the world population has HSV2. HSV1 is usually oral, but can cause genital herpes HSV2 is usually genital but can also cause oral herpes. That’s 80% of the population so yeah pretty much everyone in their cat. Also, cats can get herpes but that’s a different thing.
Your point stands, but the math doesn't work like that. Some people would have both, so in total the amount of people with any type of herpes would be 67%+0.33*13% = 71%.
And around 9% of people have both types, but they're already included in that 71%.
