Is it common for hetero women to enjoy taking charge during intimacy and switch between who's leading? (I was raised in a traditional family so I'm dumb)
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins
In my personal experience, this is pretty much the norm. Women can have just as much sex drive as men, and can express it just as "aggressively". In every relationship I've had, there are times where I'll initiate, times where she'll initiate, and times where we'll both look at each other with a "Yes. Right now." look. Note that I've never been into any BDSM or other "exciting" kink stuff, I'm just talking about initiative and passionately expressing that "I want you" feeling.
Of course, this is a side of women you won't see until you get with someone that both wants you and feels comfortable enough you to express it.
So long story short: What you're looking for is pretty much the norm as far as I can tell.
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I can answer this without even bringing you an essay based on vast personal experience. Get this: you exist, and your circumstances and experiences are hardly uncommon. How could it be anything but highly likely that women who also don't conform to those views also exist?
I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is "I'm uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else" based on no real evidence
Maybe... maybe I'm not the main character...
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I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is "I'm uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else" based on no real evidence
Maybe... maybe I'm not the main character...
The truth has no path, it's all chaos
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That's a very revealing view you have about BDSM. No, you don't need to like it or it doesn't need to be your thing, still I want to clean up a huge misconception:
Healthy BDSM is all about consent. It's the central part of it.
"Domination" is kind of a game, and you need a lot of trust to be able to play this. This trust is being established on a foundation of talking things through before on a level where I've rarely seen consent applied before.
This is something to take away, so while the domination and submission thing might totally not be your thing - and that's fine! - relying on explicit consent is something many vanilla people would benefit from.
Do you want this / I would like that / That's fine with me / Sorry, no that's not for me. And even on a "no" response thinking "thank you for telling me, now I know more about you". That's the base where to base eye to eye level relationships on. It requires a bit of courage and we're not used to it.
I do think you feel exactly this, things are about consent. And upbringing / media has shed a weird take on BDSM.
*= Btw BDSM in media has absolutely nothing to do with the real thing, as they just skip the part where people just talk for a long time.
Yeah, I feel like I was pretty intellectually lazy in that part.
What I really mean is that I don't like sexual activity that looks mean or degrading or painful or has dark undertones. It hits an uncanny valley for me because my preferred type of intimacy is all lovey-dovey and responsive to a partner's real-time comfort. I don't think BDSM is bad, it's just not my thing.
Although maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind one day and come up with some unique sunshine-and-rainbows twist on it. It just wouldn't be what immediately comes to mind when people think of BDSM. I mostly added that section to make it clear that I'm not talking about the kind of control that people often associate with BDSM and meant something more nuanced.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
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Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I disagree. I think OP is a switch and is struggling to find someone who is the same.
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Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But isn't a bottom purely passive/receptive/compliant though? I also fantasize about assertively directing my partner's pleasure too and find the idea thrilling. I didn't talk about it much in the post because that was more expected with traditional gender roles. Wouldn't the right term for me be "switch" or "versatile"?
The reason I need my partner to be assertive still is because I need the back-and-forth aspect to get excited, like in a "You got me good, now it's MY TURN!" kind of way.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
The question has already been answered, but I wanna let you in on a little secret; we are all dumb. Even the ones that you think are the smartest among us. They fumble some silly things all the time, just like you and me. Embrace the stupid, I say. Ask questions and be dumb!
Speaking of...anyone wanna tell a dumdum how to do spoiler text on here?
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Yeah, I feel like I was pretty intellectually lazy in that part.
What I really mean is that I don't like sexual activity that looks mean or degrading or painful or has dark undertones. It hits an uncanny valley for me because my preferred type of intimacy is all lovey-dovey and responsive to a partner's real-time comfort. I don't think BDSM is bad, it's just not my thing.
Although maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind one day and come up with some unique sunshine-and-rainbows twist on it. It just wouldn't be what immediately comes to mind when people think of BDSM. I mostly added that section to make it clear that I'm not talking about the kind of control that people often associate with BDSM and meant something more nuanced.
Try looking up "Gentle FemDom" and also the importance of Aftercare in the BDSM community.
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The question has already been answered, but I wanna let you in on a little secret; we are all dumb. Even the ones that you think are the smartest among us. They fumble some silly things all the time, just like you and me. Embrace the stupid, I say. Ask questions and be dumb!
Speaking of...anyone wanna tell a dumdum how to do spoiler text on here?
wrote last edited by [email protected]You're right on the money. I'm pretty bright, but I make mistakes. Just yesterday I misunderstood somebody using the term "binary kids" (in reference to computer binary) here on Lemmy. I had to laugh about it. We're all human, and it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
As to spoiler tags, they're kind of tricky. I have to test them with a preview whenever I use them.
Here's an example of how to use them. If you copy/paste what I wrote below and remove the backslash at the start (which I'm only using to inactivate the tag, for demonstration purposes), you'll have a template for making your own spoiler.
/ ::: spoiler spoiler
spoiler text
:::So if you type:
/ ::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::It becomes:
::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::One last note - keep the line spacing the way it is. If you don't put the three parts on three different lines, the spoiler tag won't work.
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Taking the lead, showing initiative and being enthusiastic takes energy. People are lazy. So if you are expected to let someone else do it, then that is an easy choice allot of the time.
Yes there are women all over that enjoy this role from time to time. The more comfortable you are with your partner; the more you can expect to see this behaviour in them.
Males and females are not that different. Your local community might be used to theese roles though.
Worth noting; people offten act the way they think you like them to act. They might think they are expected to wait for you to take charge. As you get familiar, that might change.
Talking may help
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But isn't a bottom purely passive/receptive/compliant though? I also fantasize about assertively directing my partner's pleasure too and find the idea thrilling. I didn't talk about it much in the post because that was more expected with traditional gender roles. Wouldn't the right term for me be "switch" or "versatile"?
The reason I need my partner to be assertive still is because I need the back-and-forth aspect to get excited, like in a "You got me good, now it's MY TURN!" kind of way.
You're right. You sound more "switch" than any of the other terms. Although BDSM is the realm that term comes from, being a switch doesn't require you to do anything you're not comfortable doing. You don't have to "power play" to enjoy taking turns initiating sex.
You're not obligated to take on a label if you don't believe it represents you. However, knowing the labels can help you find the kind of partner that's compatible with you.
Switch women are absolutely out there (I'm one of them.) Yet for the longest time, I also internalized the idea that women couldn't be dominant sex partners. It took my first experience with another woman to make me wake up and learn how to put my own needs first. At your age, I still wasn't there yet. Although my experiences are only my own, I wouldn't be surprised if there are other women your age that are still finding themselves sexually.
I wish you the best of luck, OP. It might take time to find the right partner, but you sound like an honest man that wants what's best for both your partner and yourself. That's the most important place to start.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
Some women need very specific physical stimulation to achieve orgasm, and it can be easier to get there if they're in charge or on top. Everyone is different.
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I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is "I'm uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else" based on no real evidence
Maybe... maybe I'm not the main character...
Rofl his eyes uncovered!
I'm rooting for you. I had the good fortune of chancing on some sexually assertive woman early on, and it kind of led me accidentally to your own realization: that I want to be desired and subjected to a lustful gaze in addition to doing the same.
Although it sounds like some flavour of gentle bdsm would probably suit you. That community is also much better at communicating their specific desires, like you have shown here. So even if you aren't into dominance play, you are probably into some control swapping fantasies.
And by "fantasies" I don't mean some elaborate play-acted scenario, but specifically what you described, discussed ahead of time, and then played out for mutual pleasure.
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assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed,
Those women do exist. I have dated them. They were raised as you describe yourself being raised, and thought sexual relationships were entirely the man's job. Sex was something that happened to them, not something they would actively pursue or direct.
Fortunately, the world has all types. You can absolutely find someone who wants the save dynamic you are looking for. Dating is trial-and-error so you'll have to deal with some duds along the way, but you'll get there.
Also worth noting that even if someone is a boring lover, if they're empathetic and they're into you, then they can get better. It's all about communication.
Barring obvious psychological baggage.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
wrote last edited by [email protected]Communication is the most important thing- I was feeling stuck in this pattern I my relationship of many years, feeling like all I could do was "give" the physical intimacy while my partner "received" it. After some conversation and a couple of false starts, she is doing a wonderful job at taking the initiative more and now it feels like more of a 50/50 thing. My point is, it's definitely out there but you may need to work with someone to tell them what you want And be patient while your partner is trying something that may be new and unfamiliar.
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Okay, okay, you're not gonna believe this...
I don't have any.
I never tried to date anyone precisely because I saw the kind of intimacy I wanted as impossible. I always just assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed, and that's just not sexy to me. Up until this point, I believed that my own sexual drives were incompatible with everyone else's and could only be satisfied through fantasy. Only now am I questioning if this is actually the case.
I'll go out on a limb and say that working out your sexual needs, communication, abilities, expectations, etc. is an uncomfortable process for everyone. No amount of preemptive mental work can substitute for the actual experience of having sex and figuring it out that way. It's a bumpy road, but if you're doing your best to be respectful and embrace the process, you WILL figure it out.
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You're right on the money. I'm pretty bright, but I make mistakes. Just yesterday I misunderstood somebody using the term "binary kids" (in reference to computer binary) here on Lemmy. I had to laugh about it. We're all human, and it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
As to spoiler tags, they're kind of tricky. I have to test them with a preview whenever I use them.
Here's an example of how to use them. If you copy/paste what I wrote below and remove the backslash at the start (which I'm only using to inactivate the tag, for demonstration purposes), you'll have a template for making your own spoiler.
/ ::: spoiler spoiler
spoiler text
:::So if you type:
/ ::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::It becomes:
::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::One last note - keep the line spacing the way it is. If you don't put the three parts on three different lines, the spoiler tag won't work.
Wait til you find out about hexadecimal kids!
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
If you are interested in unlearning paternalistic relationship structures I would recommend you read / listen to Dan Savage. He does a weekly sex and relationship columns since the 1990 and a podcast since the early 2000s so he has been doing this a long time so has a great backlog of material most of which is free. Especially since you are young and want some outsider perspective.
He talks often about alternative sexualities (queer, kink, etc.) and relationships structures (polyamory, open relationships, female led relationships, etc.) which might not be applicable to you. I know you mentioned that you are NOT into BDSM but understanding how common and acceptable doing something like that it makes what you are asking into context. Its the same tools around consent and communication about needs regardless of what you are doing. Listening and understanding the extreme level sexual acts will put your asks into perspective. Also hearing about the variety of ways organize their relationships and sex lives will really deprogram you from the single view of gender and sexuality you were brought up in.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
wrote last edited by [email protected]I grew up with the opposite expectations (that a grown woman's sexuality should be a take charge sort of desire) and it took me a ridiculously long time to come to terms with what I like in the bedroom.
But in terms of daily life? No. Wanting a partner, a true partner who doesn't expect you to make all the decisions is 100% normal, average, and healthy attitude. Wanting someone to initiate intimacy half the time is also not at all outrageous, nor do I think it unusual.
I always think that just because something turns you on, doesn't make it a good way to run your life and certainly not the world! Those are different questions entirely.
ETA one of the things that helped me understand my own desires was realizing that submissive != passive, not at all. Even within the subset of women who might prefer you to lead in bed, there are more who will be active participants who want to please you, and in the process, get off themselves, yes? I think that passivity comes from fear.
And even more people are "vanilla", as it's called, and exactly like your fantasy above, into sex without power play, fun and loving sex.
