40 (or plus) y/o virgins, why are you still virgin?
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I think it probably starts a long way before a kiss or a touch. At least, I'd hope it does.
Depends on if it's a surprise or not. But since surpise one sided intimacy usually racks up felony counts I wouldn't suggest it.
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I have no idea how people agree to have sex. And I get panic attacks in relevant situations.
I'm quite sure I was in a situation of mutual attraction with at least several people so far, but then what? ... someone has to say something or suggest having sex. And that's not me.wrote last edited by [email protected]If you're having really good chemistry with someone, if you're having fun together you both start to feel a thing that makes you feel very, very comfortable with them. Laughing together becomes sitting together, becomes holding each other, becomes eye contact, becomes more and more quiet time, next thing you know you're tangled together and nature starts to take over. It's not always, or even usually verbal.
That's how some people do it, some people are more direct and just say "wanna go somewhere?" and they retreat somewhere private to either do the above, or go about getting intimate in their own way.
You can't go wrong talking. If you don't feel comfortable talking to the person you're with on even the most basic level, if you're at all unsure about enthusiastic consent, or what your partner really wants, you have to back up and either spend more time getting comfortable or admit you're not feeling that chemistry together and move along.
Nerves are normal, you should feel nervous but more like the way you feel nervous about to get on a roller coaster. It should be exciting so make sure you understand if your anxiety isn't crossed with your excitement responses. You shouldn't feel scared you should feel heightened and aware. Your partner should also feel this way, it's always okay to ask someone "Are you okay?" "Do you want to?" "Want to wait/go further?" and it's not at all embarrassing or awkward to check with your partner. Unless, again, you're with someone whom you're not actually comfortable being intimate with.
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I think it probably starts a long way before a kiss or a touch. At least, I'd hope it does.
Everyone has different types of interaction and connection with each other, and various levels of comfortable intimacy with people. But generally, when you do hit it off with someone, it usually starts off with prolonged eye-contact, deeper and more engaged conversations and a back-and-forth with light flirting, even if it's just smiling and joking together.
That progresses to more physical contact, hand holding, sitting together/lap sitting, hair touching, usually followed by soft talk and close faces. This is where you can easily gauge your partner's interest, if they're reciprocating and seem equally enthusiastic you can quickly move to kissing and suggesting going somewhere more private where you can ask if they want to go somewhere to spend the night or if they rather take it slower. If you find yourself taking the lead, it's always good to give an "out" and suggest an alternative to going direct to sex. Cuddling, talking in private, watching a movie together, etc. You might feel nervous, but the person you're with might be even more nervous.
If you're with the right person, you will reassure each other and find a comfortable pace to progress. If you're already at this point of touching and kissing, it's not going to be a deal-breaker at this point to be talk clearly about what you want and to ask if they want the same thing, or to even admit you're nervous because you're attracted to them. If you're with the right person, it should feel fun, you should both start feeling nature take over as you want to get closer together.
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Hoping you don't take the downvotes to heart. Excuse my french, but you're a bit of a weirdo and I'm sure you know this. I'm a weirdo in different ways so I get it lol!!
Anyway, I'm really happy for you that you managed to find a partner so well suited for you. A compatibility scenario like yours in an already niche group of people sounds more like finding a needle in a haystack to me. While I get that technically there is probably some individual on the planet that is compatible with me due to my niche sexual/romantic needs, it is statistically unlikely and incredibly difficult to ever hope to find someone like that.
wrote last edited by [email protected]As someone who is demi and married, it was a lot of hard work to find what I was looking for. It was not something I was able to achieve organically out meeting people via a hobby or something. The dating pool is shallow and small for aces, tiny if one is rural. I was determined and persistent because it was important to me, and it still took me about 6 years of consistent effort to find the right relationship for me. I do not blame anyone for just opting out of trying.
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I wanted to be a wizard.
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Not married yet
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I wanted to be a wizard.
I know right, it's so much easier to source virgin blood yourself!
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I'm a decade younger, but I'm sure I'll still be a virgin at 40 and beyond.
I have had a lifelong lack of libido (so it has not been caused by any sort of medications or anything). I also have the inability to feel sexual pleasure. I have tried all different kinds of ways of masturbating and none of them have felt like anything. May as well just be touching my forearm. Puberty was confusing as fuck as I couldn't relate to any of my peers in this way. So I've always felt pretty broken.
I don't really like other people touching me, especially strangers. I have tried kissing a couple of times before and I didn't understand how I was supposed to do it like physically...how you're supposed to move your mouth/facial muscles or whatever. It just tasted like spit and was wet and wasn't pleasant.
Mostly I'm fine with it, but sometimes I get a bit sad that I'll never be able to have a deep lifelong, human connection with someone, raise kids, etc.
I get that I can try to find connections within the asexual community, but it's incredibly small and hard to find someone in my same age in my same geographical area.
Oh also I have intense social anxiety which doesn't help.
Have you tried talking to a therapist about this, maybe it's just the way you are but it could also be something that could be fixed with medication and therapy
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you deserve the full range of the human experience.
Please remember that if someone is sex repulsed or doesn't feel sexual desire that this is a weird thing to say. There are so many things humans can experience, with varying degrees of joy and pleasure, sex is not in some special category of "required in order to be human". From my perspective if someone hasn't had a perfectly ripe mango they haven't had the full range of human experience, but some people don't like mangos.
wrote last edited by [email protected]sex is not in some special category of "required in order to be human"
Thanks for this. It's just such an innate biological urge in 99% of people that not experiencing it actually has often made me feel like I'm not a human. It's as basic as getting hungry when you need food or being thirsty when you need water. Idk. I appreciate the words is all, as feeling "not human" has been such a nearly lifelong struggle with this.
I will say though...when people talk about how amazing "mangoes" are, it does make me feel a bit left out even regardless of the "being human" aspect. The way people describe orgasms....it's like they have access to some form of heroin and I don't lol. I have a bit of FOMO wanting to be able to have an experience with such extreme pleasure.
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Have you tried talking to a therapist about this, maybe it's just the way you are but it could also be something that could be fixed with medication and therapy
You know I have on occasion thought of something like that. Thing is I don't have any sexual trauma or anything like that. So idk.
I definitely started having mental health issues around puberty...but I mean it's common enough for most pre/teens to experience mental turmoil during that time. So you'd think it wouldn't preclude developing sexually.
I'm just beginning therapy now for some unrelated, more severe issues, but maybe I will eventually bring that up if I can sort out the more pressing things first.
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Some testosterone is important for women’s health too! It isn’t exclusively a male hormone though men do naturally produce more.
Please have a frank and open discussion with a health professional. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and you deserve the full range of the human experience.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Well...while I said there is nothing wrong with my hormones, I do have quite a bit of excess facial and body hair in a male pattern. So I think I likely have higher than normal testosterone in addition to the normal female hormones causing everything beyond the hair to be "regular". So I don't know that that's the issue either.
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You know I have on occasion thought of something like that. Thing is I don't have any sexual trauma or anything like that. So idk.
I definitely started having mental health issues around puberty...but I mean it's common enough for most pre/teens to experience mental turmoil during that time. So you'd think it wouldn't preclude developing sexually.
I'm just beginning therapy now for some unrelated, more severe issues, but maybe I will eventually bring that up if I can sort out the more pressing things first.
wrote last edited by [email protected]There can be any number of pathologies involved like hormone levels etc. It doesn't necessarily have to do anything with trauma. But it's good that you are talking to a professional now, maybe once other things are sorted you could be free to look into this as well, best of luck
