[NSFW] Any recovering porn addicts willing to share inspirational stories?
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wrote last edited by [email protected]
I've pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can't stay on my current trajectory. It's already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I'm tired of dating on hard mode. I'm worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who's been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I'm really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
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I've pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can't stay on my current trajectory. It's already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I'm tired of dating on hard mode. I'm worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who's been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I'm really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
With any addiction or habit you want to change the most important part is not expecting it to just be done with, however hard you try. If you want to stop looking at porn all the time, then becoming someone who struggles with porn, and still breaks every couple of weeks is a big step. If you can keep that up for a longer time you might start being someone who breaks every three weeks and so on. What's tempting is to say "I can't do it, so why even try" and just give up.
Also, it's up to you why you want to stop a habit like that. Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step (whcih is easier to motivate) rather than just something you're preventing yourself from doing. When I was giving up smoking, it was helpful to think about postivies (breathing easier, having more energy, not stinking of smoke) because when I felt stressed and wanted a smoke telling myself "no you shouldn't" wasn't motivating.
It can also be helpful to identify the steps that lead up to a difficult decision point. If you're not wanting to look at porn, but you find yourself thinking "but I'll just look up some innocent pictures of blahblahblah, that's not porn, that's okay" and then suddenly you're in a situation that requires much more willpower to not fall down the rabbithole.
Good luck!
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I've pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can't stay on my current trajectory. It's already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I'm tired of dating on hard mode. I'm worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who's been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I'm really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
I don't have a personal story to share but a big french youtuber, Tibo in Shape, made several videos about his porn addiction.
You can watch it here, he even dubbed it in english : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr9FQ9Z8gl4 -
With any addiction or habit you want to change the most important part is not expecting it to just be done with, however hard you try. If you want to stop looking at porn all the time, then becoming someone who struggles with porn, and still breaks every couple of weeks is a big step. If you can keep that up for a longer time you might start being someone who breaks every three weeks and so on. What's tempting is to say "I can't do it, so why even try" and just give up.
Also, it's up to you why you want to stop a habit like that. Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step (whcih is easier to motivate) rather than just something you're preventing yourself from doing. When I was giving up smoking, it was helpful to think about postivies (breathing easier, having more energy, not stinking of smoke) because when I felt stressed and wanted a smoke telling myself "no you shouldn't" wasn't motivating.
It can also be helpful to identify the steps that lead up to a difficult decision point. If you're not wanting to look at porn, but you find yourself thinking "but I'll just look up some innocent pictures of blahblahblah, that's not porn, that's okay" and then suddenly you're in a situation that requires much more willpower to not fall down the rabbithole.
Good luck!
wrote last edited by [email protected]Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That's kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there's obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
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I've pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can't stay on my current trajectory. It's already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I'm tired of dating on hard mode. I'm worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who's been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I'm really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
I'm gonna say this and it's gonna sound harsh but it's not meant to be: You need therapy. Therapy saves lives and it's way easier to speak to a stranger about things that make you feel guilty like this. Admitting you need help is the first step, getting the help, the second, doing the work the third. And I'm gonna be honest, it's gonna suck, it's not gonna be easy but it's gonna make things better and you're gonna grow through it.
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Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That's kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there's obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm no expert in this. Maybe it's possible to moderate your use without eliminating it entirely. They say you can't do that with drugs and alcohol (if you're an addict), but this may be different.
What's probably most useful is to find other things you like to do instead. Perhaps you just lack other interests, and that's why you spend so much time on one thing. You could try developing competing interest(s).
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I'm gonna say this and it's gonna sound harsh but it's not meant to be: You need therapy. Therapy saves lives and it's way easier to speak to a stranger about things that make you feel guilty like this. Admitting you need help is the first step, getting the help, the second, doing the work the third. And I'm gonna be honest, it's gonna suck, it's not gonna be easy but it's gonna make things better and you're gonna grow through it.
+1 on therapy. Also others are posting about moderation. I would avoid that trap; if we could moderate we wouldn't be losing control.
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Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That's kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there's obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
The porn-seeking is your maladaptive mood-regulator.
So if you want to change your behaviors or the way you feel about them, you need to change the way you think and feel inside.
Which means stop focusing on the behavior, and start focusing on the underlying feelings which provoke the behavior. I do strongly suggest therapy, because it's an emotional thing that's happening which leads to your useage.
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I'm gonna say this and it's gonna sound harsh but it's not meant to be: You need therapy. Therapy saves lives and it's way easier to speak to a stranger about things that make you feel guilty like this. Admitting you need help is the first step, getting the help, the second, doing the work the third. And I'm gonna be honest, it's gonna suck, it's not gonna be easy but it's gonna make things better and you're gonna grow through it.
I don't disagree but that simply doesn't feel like a realistic option for me. It's either way too expensive or too hard to get into.
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Probably so. As with anything, the dose makes the poison.
It’s not that I don’t have other interests or things to do. I think porn (and weed) are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings in my life rather than dealing with them. It also kind of numbs me or makes me lethargic/passive, since I go for the quick and easy reward for low effort rather than the other way around. I don’t even get the same enjoyment from it as I used to, so I just keep upping the dose hoping for the same reward, but I don’t get it - yet I keep doing it.
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Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That's kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there's obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I'd agree with the other poster that maybe setting moderation goals would be a really good first step. I guess it depends if you're aiming for less masturbation, less porn, or less specific types of porn. And it depends on what level you currently find problematic.
For some people the problems with the addictivness of porn are linked to the dopamine hits of modern Internet porn, searching for the perfect thing, changing to newer / different stuff frequently. The a first step might be to continue to use porn when you need to, but your only allowed a single fairly tame video that you've downloaded. Eventually it'll feel boring and you'll it's not really just porn your craving, it's the whole dopamine hunt.
It's why vapes work so well for many people in giving up smoking. Nicotine is physically addictive and hard to resists, but also just getting your nicotine without all the other fun parts of cigarettes quickly makes it feel less tempting. It's much easier to give up something meh than something you're obsessed with.
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I don't disagree but that simply doesn't feel like a realistic option for me. It's either way too expensive or too hard to get into.
Find groups then. It's not exactly the same, but 12 step groups are an excellent, free option. Honestly a great addiction recovery plan often includes both individual and group work.
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People can become addicted to food, too, but clearly can't stop entirely. There are comparisons.
That said, I'd say this is more like work addiction or shopping addiction where stopping completely for a time is possible while you detox, then see what feels right about reintroducing healthy versions in a safe way.
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Probably so. As with anything, the dose makes the poison.
It’s not that I don’t have other interests or things to do. I think porn (and weed) are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings in my life rather than dealing with them. It also kind of numbs me or makes me lethargic/passive, since I go for the quick and easy reward for low effort rather than the other way around. I don’t even get the same enjoyment from it as I used to, so I just keep upping the dose hoping for the same reward, but I don’t get it - yet I keep doing it.
You just described addiction as a mental condition. People can use anything as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It sounds like you've probably correctly identified it as an addiction. Now you can treat it like one.
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Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That's kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there's obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
a fatalistic view that I was "born this way" or that I've permanently damaged myself through decades
Not an expert nor have I got my monkeys off my back but I would like to say watch out for this type of thinking. I have heard that addiction can be genetic but what is empowering is the opposite is true about how our minds can change once we have changed our situations. I'm referring to something called the elasticity of the mind. And I don't just mean metaphysically. This is a measured change in the brain. So if you are looking for positive affirmations to keep you going this is a difficult one to realize because you do not even yet know how different you can be. But just try to imagine how exciting that is? Good luck.
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I'd agree with the other poster that maybe setting moderation goals would be a really good first step. I guess it depends if you're aiming for less masturbation, less porn, or less specific types of porn. And it depends on what level you currently find problematic.
For some people the problems with the addictivness of porn are linked to the dopamine hits of modern Internet porn, searching for the perfect thing, changing to newer / different stuff frequently. The a first step might be to continue to use porn when you need to, but your only allowed a single fairly tame video that you've downloaded. Eventually it'll feel boring and you'll it's not really just porn your craving, it's the whole dopamine hunt.
It's why vapes work so well for many people in giving up smoking. Nicotine is physically addictive and hard to resists, but also just getting your nicotine without all the other fun parts of cigarettes quickly makes it feel less tempting. It's much easier to give up something meh than something you're obsessed with.
What I believe excessive porn use has done to me is that sex has become uninteresting even when it’s available, and I also have physical problems performing when I “force” myself to it. These bad experiences then further reinforce my negative associations with sex, which in turn makes me even less interested in trying the next time. I don’t feel that “mundane arousal” throughout the day - I don’t even know what it means to be horny without physical stimulation. I’ve always felt this way, but it has gotten worse over time (I’m in my mid-thirties now). I can’t know for sure whether it’s all due to porn or if porn just makes it worse, since my porn use preceded my first sexual experiences with another person. If it’s something I was born with, then there’s simply no fixing it even if I cut out porn entirely, but since I can’t know that, I don’t see any other way forward than to try and change the things I can change and see if there’s any improvement.
And I just want to highlight that when I say excessive porn use, I really mean it. I can literally waste 8 to 12 hours on it and then do the same again the next day. Even if I watched porn for an hour every single day it would still be a massive improvement (but I’m intending to do better than that).
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You just described addiction as a mental condition. People can use anything as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It sounds like you've probably correctly identified it as an addiction. Now you can treat it like one.
I think I’ve heard addiction described somewhere as a behavior you keep doing even when you stop getting the good feeling from it, so yes - I’d say it’s definitely an addiction/compulsion.
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I've pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can't stay on my current trajectory. It's already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I'm tired of dating on hard mode. I'm worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who's been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I'm really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
I can't tell you anything uplifting but I found my father's extensive collection of all possible (legal) kinds of porn a few years back and it honestly scarred me a little. Like mostly not the fact that he watches it but the extremes he apparently takes it to. It was an absurd amount of disturbing material. Oh and some of it might have even been home-made. I didn't look too closely so I'm not entirely sure and I don't think I even want to know. I don't enjoy the thought of being raised by a sex freak. So if you have kids or plan on having them consider that this is what they might feel towards you one day if they ever find out.
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What I believe excessive porn use has done to me is that sex has become uninteresting even when it’s available, and I also have physical problems performing when I “force” myself to it. These bad experiences then further reinforce my negative associations with sex, which in turn makes me even less interested in trying the next time. I don’t feel that “mundane arousal” throughout the day - I don’t even know what it means to be horny without physical stimulation. I’ve always felt this way, but it has gotten worse over time (I’m in my mid-thirties now). I can’t know for sure whether it’s all due to porn or if porn just makes it worse, since my porn use preceded my first sexual experiences with another person. If it’s something I was born with, then there’s simply no fixing it even if I cut out porn entirely, but since I can’t know that, I don’t see any other way forward than to try and change the things I can change and see if there’s any improvement.
And I just want to highlight that when I say excessive porn use, I really mean it. I can literally waste 8 to 12 hours on it and then do the same again the next day. Even if I watched porn for an hour every single day it would still be a massive improvement (but I’m intending to do better than that).
My favorite work on the subject: https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/02/hes_just_not_that_into_anyone.html
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I don't disagree but that simply doesn't feel like a realistic option for me. It's either way too expensive or too hard to get into.
As I said, it's not easy. You can look up self therapy in the meantime but if you want to change and feel better, you gotta take the steps and that may be putting yourself on a list for free help.
