AITA for using the fact that I have a degenerative eye condition that will make me randomly go blind as a reason to ask my SO with body dysmprohic disorder to let me see them naked more often?
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Man, you guys are fucking AWFUL exploitative enterprises don't give q shot
.I from the I'm fucked because I don't support the allegiantBullshit
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Where'd you get that "she" from?
wrote last edited by [email protected]OP refers to "her" and "she" in other comments. Whatever gender the SO is the overall advice still stands. If your partner says they're not willing for sex but are ok with oral or a handy then you have to trust that they know themselves. You also have to communicate that you want more sexual release than you're getting and figure out how that works in.
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Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they're 1000% incorrect and that they're the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I'll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we've been together I've never even asked them for a hand job if they didn't feel up to sex because I didn't want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they're also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I'm most likely on it too.
There are great answers here. I tell my husband he sees with eyes of love, not with a critical gaze like I have for myself.
I think asking is a good idea, and impending blindness is not an excuse. Don't push but do explain like you have for us here.
If you have a very joking relationship, maybe tell her that if you go blind without the vision of her, you are gonna have to feel her up all the time to figure out her body.
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That is not what I said or meant, and it lacks nuance in an unnecessarily insulting way that I find offensive.
wrote last edited by [email protected]No you don't.
Manipulation and coercion when used for dialogue and arguments are inherently negative. That is the meaning that the words carry. Trying to use them in the way that you did means you used the wrong words when trying to communicate with anyone else.
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No you don't.
Manipulation and coercion when used for dialogue and arguments are inherently negative. That is the meaning that the words carry. Trying to use them in the way that you did means you used the wrong words when trying to communicate with anyone else.
wrote last edited by [email protected]::: spoiler So my sister might tell me it is just a small casual thing with a few people.
If she told me it was going to be 60, or my ex would be there, I would not go. However, my sister has arranged things so that people will be scattered in small groups with things to do suitable for the spectrum of people present. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. I understand the concept at a vague level of heuristics, but what that really means on a pragmatic level alludes me, like someone speaking a foreign language. I just don't think in that space, and no amount of reasoning makes me comfortable with it, despite how much I want and need to be more social. When I show up, I am going to dread it, especially if I see a certain car. That is when I know I have been manipulated out of my comfort zone of logical analysis. I know the intentions well, and I would not have shown up otherwise. So I appreciate being manipulated and coerced by someone that cares.I have done similar with partners many times. I tend to see the best in people in a deeply genuine way that they often do not see in themselves. I do not mean that in a spurious way like some fantasy fixation. I will absolutely manipulate and coerce someone into a path that leads them to a better place when such logic is plainly obvious to me.
From the perspective of negative feedback loops not creating positive change, that assessment is from the assumption that the constraints of the system are static. If the system state is possible to change, the limitations do not apply.
No one can force another person to learn or grow, it comes entirely from within. It is possible to alter the ingredients and path of least resistance to make such change much more likely even when the person is very initially resistant to said change. I find this kind of situation fascinating.
I'm a high Machiavellian personality and am very capable of manipulating people logically but not emotionally. When I was much younger, I learned about hurting people the hard way. I chose not to be like that and to try to be a force for positive change. I'm not always manipulative or coercive by any stretch. However, when no other approaches appear successful, I will act in a person's best interest out of love, using every tool available to me. I have no ego or narcissism driving me, as these would make my motivations wrong and spurious. I'm doubtful of myself to a fault. I think in a statistical probability space, and am driven by unbridled curiosity. When a person I care about resists, that is the kind of curiosity I am talking about. I want to understand their perspective better than they know themselves as impossible as that may seem. It is only from this kind of deep understanding, when I know their insecurities well and all the various factors in play, that I then start looking for the butterfly effect of where a small nudge may alter their trajectory and shift their perspective in a fundamental way. This is purely logical and not emotional. It is absolutely manipulative and coercive.
Maybe I am somewhere on the spectrum, but to me, words are cheap, actions are all that matter. I'm not terribly skilled with words, but I am adequate when understanding a complex system well enough to see a fulcrum that generates great change. I choose to let my empathy dominate that space. To me, love is not emotional, it is actions and intentions. All available mechanisms have the potential to be used to express intentions through actions. I do not allow anyone to dictate the zero reference point of what is positive or negative. I ground my zero point to the person, in the circumstance, and specifically to their intentions, as dictated by their actions only. I question all dichotomous logic as a fallacy, especially lines in the sand drawn by others trying to dictate what is positive and what is negative.
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Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they're 1000% incorrect and that they're the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I'll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we've been together I've never even asked them for a hand job if they didn't feel up to sex because I didn't want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they're also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I'm most likely on it too.
Hey.
I honestly don't know whether this would be a good idea, or a bad one, but that's up to you;
What if... what if... you talked about your gf about a professional photographer? I know it could sound way more daunting to someone with body dysmorphia, but also, sometimes photographers are really good at handling shy subjects and being extra good at making people's comfortable. And to do it, she could take a bit of Dutch Courage or something idk an anti-anxiety pill, perhaps.
The point being that professional photos might make her see her body as more sexy as she usually looks at it in a mirror and not through professional photography.
Also it would mean you'd be able to make larger and larger prints as your vision degenerates. And even if she didn't want to look at them, or feel like getting naked at some point, maybe she'd still subconsciously realise that you really do think she's beautiful as you keep going back to browse the photos and have a quick wank lol.
Anyways, just a thought.
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The hard part is that they've stated that the reason they don't offer to get me off when they're not up to sex is because I don't ask enough, but I don't ask enough because if they're not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it's really hard to gauge when they're not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they're well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I've explained that when I ask to see I'm literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they're demisexual and don't really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone's sex drive.
We have sex every day, so that's not our issue, but on asking for stuff we do have differences. I won't ask for something unless I need it, husband will ask for stuff, but he is literally just asking and fine with a no. I have different ways of asking when I don't need something, will ask ABOUT things I don't need, like "would you consider" or "what do you think about" but if I say "would you please do X" it's because I NEED you to do that.
So you may think asking is applying pressure, but she may, like my husband, just think it's a multiple choice question with no as good an answer as yes.
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Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they're 1000% incorrect and that they're the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I'll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we've been together I've never even asked them for a hand job if they didn't feel up to sex because I didn't want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they're also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I'm most likely on it too.
wrote last edited by [email protected]I don't think you're an asshole, but I think it's weird that you're using that as an excuse to see your SO naked when you can just see your SO naked because that's what people who are dating do. Therapy could help you figure out why you're more comfortable blaming a condition for your desire to see your partner naked then just simply requesting it because you love them
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::: spoiler So my sister might tell me it is just a small casual thing with a few people.
If she told me it was going to be 60, or my ex would be there, I would not go. However, my sister has arranged things so that people will be scattered in small groups with things to do suitable for the spectrum of people present. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. I understand the concept at a vague level of heuristics, but what that really means on a pragmatic level alludes me, like someone speaking a foreign language. I just don't think in that space, and no amount of reasoning makes me comfortable with it, despite how much I want and need to be more social. When I show up, I am going to dread it, especially if I see a certain car. That is when I know I have been manipulated out of my comfort zone of logical analysis. I know the intentions well, and I would not have shown up otherwise. So I appreciate being manipulated and coerced by someone that cares.I have done similar with partners many times. I tend to see the best in people in a deeply genuine way that they often do not see in themselves. I do not mean that in a spurious way like some fantasy fixation. I will absolutely manipulate and coerce someone into a path that leads them to a better place when such logic is plainly obvious to me.
From the perspective of negative feedback loops not creating positive change, that assessment is from the assumption that the constraints of the system are static. If the system state is possible to change, the limitations do not apply.
No one can force another person to learn or grow, it comes entirely from within. It is possible to alter the ingredients and path of least resistance to make such change much more likely even when the person is very initially resistant to said change. I find this kind of situation fascinating.
I'm a high Machiavellian personality and am very capable of manipulating people logically but not emotionally. When I was much younger, I learned about hurting people the hard way. I chose not to be like that and to try to be a force for positive change. I'm not always manipulative or coercive by any stretch. However, when no other approaches appear successful, I will act in a person's best interest out of love, using every tool available to me. I have no ego or narcissism driving me, as these would make my motivations wrong and spurious. I'm doubtful of myself to a fault. I think in a statistical probability space, and am driven by unbridled curiosity. When a person I care about resists, that is the kind of curiosity I am talking about. I want to understand their perspective better than they know themselves as impossible as that may seem. It is only from this kind of deep understanding, when I know their insecurities well and all the various factors in play, that I then start looking for the butterfly effect of where a small nudge may alter their trajectory and shift their perspective in a fundamental way. This is purely logical and not emotional. It is absolutely manipulative and coercive.
Maybe I am somewhere on the spectrum, but to me, words are cheap, actions are all that matter. I'm not terribly skilled with words, but I am adequate when understanding a complex system well enough to see a fulcrum that generates great change. I choose to let my empathy dominate that space. To me, love is not emotional, it is actions and intentions. All available mechanisms have the potential to be used to express intentions through actions. I do not allow anyone to dictate the zero reference point of what is positive or negative. I ground my zero point to the person, in the circumstance, and specifically to their intentions, as dictated by their actions only. I question all dichotomous logic as a fallacy, especially lines in the sand drawn by others trying to dictate what is positive and what is negative.
:::Lol you're just a boring narcissist advocating for conditional love and emotional abuse.
Recommend the books Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Controlling People by Patricia Evans. And Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Many available for free as pdfs or from local libraries.
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The hard part is that they've stated that the reason they don't offer to get me off when they're not up to sex is because I don't ask enough, but I don't ask enough because if they're not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it's really hard to gauge when they're not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they're well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I've explained that when I ask to see I'm literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they're demisexual and don't really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone's sex drive.
It's because they aren't attracted to you anymore. You aren't making her wet. Your personality and manipulations and probably other relationship issues are contributing. The New Sex Therapy by Kaplan is a book that basically says this exact issue is caused by that. You probably need months of couples therapy and letting her let you know when she is ready and letting her reject you. It may take years if the problem is because she had sex out of obligation (self rape in a way, perhaps rape by you if you're always coercive like in the OP). She may never heal and may never enjoy sex with you or anyone again.
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Lol you're just a boring narcissist advocating for conditional love and emotional abuse.
Recommend the books Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Controlling People by Patricia Evans. And Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Many available for free as pdfs or from local libraries.
Not at all. I do not give a damn about myself. I am as far from narcissism as humanly possible. You are being dogmatic and unneighborly and toxic with your negativity and lack of substance in reply along with a personal attack in a conversation about the third person. You are a troll, and should be ashamed of yourself for such useless negative behavior. If this is how your lack of morals and ethics talk to strangers, please block me so that you never interact with me. You have a real impact on others with your negativity. I am in social isolation from 11 years of chronic physical disability, and I do not accept the tax bill for your unsolicited negativity directed at me personally.
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Not at all. I do not give a damn about myself. I am as far from narcissism as humanly possible. You are being dogmatic and unneighborly and toxic with your negativity and lack of substance in reply along with a personal attack in a conversation about the third person. You are a troll, and should be ashamed of yourself for such useless negative behavior. If this is how your lack of morals and ethics talk to strangers, please block me so that you never interact with me. You have a real impact on others with your negativity. I am in social isolation from 11 years of chronic physical disability, and I do not accept the tax bill for your unsolicited negativity directed at me personally.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Lol classic narcissistic ego wound response
Those recommendations were for readers of your comment, not for you btw. I don't care about you.
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It's because they aren't attracted to you anymore. You aren't making her wet. Your personality and manipulations and probably other relationship issues are contributing. The New Sex Therapy by Kaplan is a book that basically says this exact issue is caused by that. You probably need months of couples therapy and letting her let you know when she is ready and letting her reject you. It may take years if the problem is because she had sex out of obligation (self rape in a way, perhaps rape by you if you're always coercive like in the OP). She may never heal and may never enjoy sex with you or anyone again.
That seems like a massive reach.
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That seems like a massive reach.
It isn't.
