30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?
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Pretty limited information, but based on it being hard to imagine a group of compassionate people all siding with the person who did the cheating, my guess is that your "friends" probably suck. My advice isto sign up for a community college acting class and try hard to immerse yourself in it. Acting and getting involved in theatre totally cured my serious anxiety problems. There's something about it that helps you get unwrapped from yourself and want to explore other people and the world more. My other advice is don't define yourself as "the divorced guy" - especially when socializing with new people. They aren't gonna want to hear all the gory details. Dig into your personal interests and what makes you happy and focus on those things.
Or the friends don’t suck and they sided with the ex for very valid reasons not mentioned here
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I fell into alt right when she started abusing me which helped destroy the relationship. I got out of that shit.
I'm glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you've sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you're free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.
Signed, another person with your exact same experience.
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Speaking from my experience, I get very overwhelmed with empathy when someone close to me is going through something as difficult as an illness, divorce or job loss. I want to be as supportive as possible, but also know that there's usually little to nothing that I can do, and then I get overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness. I will let them know that I'm there for them if they need anything, and I will check in from time to time to see how they are doing, but I always find myself avoiding talking about the 'real issue'.
I know that I'm included in the 'people suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish' - even knowing that, I have a hard time addressing it. Even when the roles have been reversed, after I lost my job and people stopped reaching out to me, I knew exactly why... I was making them uncomfortable and they just didn't know how to deal with it. And even then, I had no idea what I wanted from them, other than for things to just be as they had been before.
Even after my own experience, when a close friend of mine lost his job I dreaded talking with him because of the helplessness that I felt at being able to do anything for him, and the reminder that at any moment I could be in his shoes again. It sucks, it's a massive character flaw, and it is even worse that I'm aware of it but so far have been unable to change. I still love my family and friends, I just don't know how to show them that during their times of greatest need.
Thanks for that perspective, I really appreciate it actually. What I landed on, and what ultimately helped me move on to the point that I have, is really accepting that people DO care, but just don't have the tools to address it. Which may or may not be their fault, but I don't have time to wait around or, much worse, help and support them to... hopefully one day support me?
My diagnosis gave me the shift of mind to realize I'd been making space for other people's flaws and thereby sacrificing my needs. So I've left room for them to come back into my life, but am not wasting any energy waiting on support from them.
If I may offer my point of view on what I've needed in my situation - the bar is through the floor haha. Honestly I just need and want validation. My mom finally came around to acknowledging my situation, but just dumps a bunch of toxic positivity on me, e.g. "Just keep your head up and everything's going to be great! Everyone has problems they deal with, eat right and exercise and everything's fine". My former coworker just responded with recently "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say". And frankly that moved me to tears. I just want someone to say "that sucks, I'm sorry." That can literally be it, just an honest space and acknowledgement. Life is hard, and sometimes it's great. But ignoring and shunning the hard parts makes them harder and more lonely. It makes me feel gaslit constantly.
Everyone needs different things, but that's been my needs during this time. What I hear over and over is "oh I didn't want to impose or remind you of it." Fam. It's on my mind. All the time. Even when I'm happy, it's not far. I want to talk about it, deal with it and work on it, them move on to the rest of my life. I'm more than my cancer and refusing to acknowledge it makes it my whole identity.
Anyway, this has been helpful and felt great to talk through. Thanks
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
What you're going through right now is the process of discovering the phone numbers you can stop answering. The flat tires you can stop changing, the computers you can stop fixing, the lunches you can stop lending, the favors you can stop doing.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce.....
People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing.
People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond.
Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives.
Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it. -
he's clearly suffering from PISD
Assuming you mean PTSD, there is not nearly enough information here to diagnose OP. Regardless of what diagnosis you, random internet person, have decided to bestow, seeing a qualified physician is a crucial part of mental health workup. Still not sure why you continue to take issue with this.
This, what OP is going through ? That's normal. As my therapist said, she would have been far more worried if I didn't get the thoughts.
You have not done a suicide risk assessment and don't know the character or severity of OP's suicidal ideation or other symptoms. He is not you.
his therapist will tell him to talk to a physician
A good therapist will, but unfortunately, this does not happen nearly as much as it should. This leads to delayed diagnosis and management of comorbid medical conditions that contribute to feelings of depression. Therapists typically don't have broader medical training outside of mental health and aren't always well versed in the many treatments for mental health disorders.
No. PISD.
Post infidelity. It's traumatic but entirely around a former intimate relationship.
PISD is a normal response to this. It has severe depression, severe impact to self-esteem and general confidence, severe impact to work performance, etc. Etc. it's a million times worse than.
I'm not saying he's not a suicide risk. The actual incidence of it is really high. In fact I'm surprised he hadn't attempted. I had well controlled depression before my spouse's affair.
There is no medication aside from sedatives that will help OP with this. And sedatives only delay recovery. He's doing what he needs to, and he's wondering why people are giving up and leaving him be.
It's because this shit is that fucking draining. Any LPCC knows they are just as much at risking their licence as any doctor. Saying 'go see a doc and get meds' is just as dismissive as his former friends who have given up with him.
Honestly? As long as he's being honest with a LPCC, he's doing better than he would be in a hospital here in the US.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
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I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
Thank you man.
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I have one particular friend who left me because he thinks I'm anti feminist due to this exact sentiment.
It's important that you phrase your frustration and anger and sadness entirely on who. This wasn't women as a whole, this was one woman who stabbed you in the back.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Men are taught not to care for each other
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Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
Because it's obviously true
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I'm glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you've sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you're free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
Lol in real life people dont care about politics that much
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.
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First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]I wouldn't say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
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30 Million?
I see you bro, i see the haters. I got chu.
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Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.
Signed, another person with your exact same experience.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Wait just a second. Im here man. Has things gotten better? You can be the main character of this thread, I'll let you.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
You should seek some help or at least find a support group. Churches have them and usually aren't too godly about the if you are opposed to religion.
Also stay off social media. It's only a window into the best parts of someones life.
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Men are taught not to care for each other
Nah I'll be there for my bros
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You should seek some help or at least find a support group. Churches have them and usually aren't too godly about the if you are opposed to religion.
Also stay off social media. It's only a window into the best parts of someones life.
As if my SO would ever go through Lemmy
