I've been told that I "bottle things up and then explode". How do you not "explode"?
-
It is not super common, but it's common enough that my friend takes notice. The issue is that I occasionally explode at work which is not good for my job security. Generally if someone is being mean to me or my fellow coworkers I get upset. My supervisor is also a huge bitch who is rude and mean to everyone and I have a hard time dealing with her at times. Most of the times I am able to shut up, but sometimes I get upset with people like that and I react inappropriately.
I have a pretty stressful job. I've been doing it for almost twenty years. I have not "exploded at work" once. Not ever.
This isn't an "expressing emotions isn't okay" problem, man.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions.
I'm guessing you're a man. Society imposes this upon men in particular.
Tell society to fuck off. Have emotions, experience emotions, and process them like a human being.
Then take it a step further, and learn how to handle them like an emotionally intelligent human being.
I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone.
This is part of the problem. This is not what you need to know. You need to know how to express negative emotions without losing control of yourself or your reaction to your emotions.
I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
People bottling things up and exploding when in a safe space is part of the problem.
I'll echo the idea of anger management, or even therapy in general.
Nobody who is healthy hides away their emotions. You're not alone in feeling the way you do. Society is sending you signals that you need to do something unhealthy, but that won't actually fix the problem.
-
I do not have any helpful outlets. The things that people say are outlets don't work for me.
Running? I do it. Doesn't help. I ruminate during a run.
Venting to a friend? Doesn't help. I feel guilty for bothering them, they get frustrated with me for bothering them, and it's wrong to do that to people who have busy lives and their own problems.
Venting to ChatGPT? Occasionally will help a little bit, but usually does not help. It's not a real person and does not understand me, but prevents me from harming others by venting to them. Also helps me ruminate on my problems.
Writing down my thoughts? Doesn't help. It makes me ruminate.
Have you tried primal screaming?
-
It's corny and is championed by some shit heads but Meditations by Marcus Aurelius helped me to figure out how mentally center myself during tribulations.
There's nothing corny about stoicism, as long as you see through the people trying to monetise it.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]The trick is having people with whom it is safe to voice negative thoughts and opinions. Generally it's the same people who confide in you. There are also other ways to vent that pressure a little bit in the short term, but expressing that negativity to other people is not really replacable.
For guys (as I assume you are), this can be very hard to find, or to build these kinds of relationships for cultural reasons, but it is fundamentally necessary to being an emotionally healthy person.
You voice the small negatives on an ongoing basis so they don't pile up to the point that they're explosive.
Getting a therapist, so you have someone you're paying to hear your negative thoughts and feelings can make it easier to start. Its often hardest at the beginning because when you first start voicing the things you've bottled up ongoing, the intensity will generally be higher than is pleasant for people to be around, and you kinda have to let off enough emotional pressure for a while before the intensity comes down. A therapist could be helpful in doing that without having to unpack the culturally ingrained masculine discomfort with vulnerable or uncomfortable emotions (in some ways, in other ways therapy is harder. But it's private and comes without the normal social expectations of being positive)
Good luck! This is a really hard thing to work through for a lot of men, as a society we really set men up to fail in this way
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
What is this 'society' nonsense? You can express your desires and feelings without having to explode, that's the solution. And when you eventually do, because you're human and mistakes will happen, apologise profusely and understand "the work" is not yet done. Also whatever you propose is not only a denial of your own humanity, in vain and for your own detriment (and immature too, which is not a good look!), but also the kind of things dudes try before they shoot up churches and festivals.
You are human, after all, a social animal. You're gonna have to open up as calmly as you can when the situation calls for it, instead of not saying anything because you don't feel brave enough to be vulnerable (maybe you feel like the people around you will only misunderstand you and make it worse?), so resentment doesn't add up in the background and you don't end up exploding. And I'm not just preaching here, I'm speaking from experience!
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
- You need to voice your concerns when they actually come up. The idea that showing emotions is objectively bad is completely false.
- You need to learn how to phrase negative comments with a neutral tone. You should not be describing anyone as mean, rude, bitch. Especially not your coworkers. Do you mean straightforward? Concerned? Talkative? Direct? Extroverted? Confident?
-
It is not super common, but it's common enough that my friend takes notice. The issue is that I occasionally explode at work which is not good for my job security. Generally if someone is being mean to me or my fellow coworkers I get upset. My supervisor is also a huge bitch who is rude and mean to everyone and I have a hard time dealing with her at times. Most of the times I am able to shut up, but sometimes I get upset with people like that and I react inappropriately.
Sounds stressful for you and for the folks around you.
I think you're going to find that most people don't have great advice for how to do it because it's not something they've struggled to overcome. There might be people here who have that issue or one similar enough, and overcome it, so they can tell you how they did. But your better bet is going to be to look into some kind of anger management techniques.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]- Set and enforce boundaries with everybody in general and specifically for people you feel overstep. Basically either faux-pas or actively try to fuck with or trespass you in any way
- Grey rock people who you believe are antagonising you
-
It is not super common, but it's common enough that my friend takes notice. The issue is that I occasionally explode at work which is not good for my job security. Generally if someone is being mean to me or my fellow coworkers I get upset. My supervisor is also a huge bitch who is rude and mean to everyone and I have a hard time dealing with her at times. Most of the times I am able to shut up, but sometimes I get upset with people like that and I react inappropriately.
If this happens at work then yeah, definitely a personal trait that you need to work on.
As someone who shares the same trait and has learned to manage it with time, I recommend you look into anger management. Plenty of free stuff online to start with but a professional can be a huge help, if you can afford it or if your workplace is willing to assist you with getting to a resource.
For me the key is being self aware enough that before I blow up I recognize where I'm headed and DISENGAGING until I can settle down. Blowing up, for me, is an ego driven/lashing out issue. It's complicated and I don't feel like explaining, but that's me. I can tell when it's happening and I care more about not being unprofessional or damaging interpersonal relationships so I DISENGAGE before I get there, which does not FEEL as good, but it's necessary.
I can't tell you exactly what you need to do, but I would bet a lot of money that you can start to identify when you're headed in that direction and stop the train before you go off the tracks. To do so you need to be willing to put your ego aside whether you think you're right or wrong and LEAVE the room or end the conversation. To do so is not easy because you want to release whatever you're thinking about the current real/perceived grievance, but if you're not being a functional member of society because you blow up in a rage then you have to modify your own behavior somehow. Disengaging is the simplest and most effective way to manage it.
With time and more self reflection, personal work, therapy, maturity, whatever - you'll need to disengage less and less and can manage/cope without that tool. But for now that should be your goal until you learn to control yourself.
This isn't an other people problem, it's a you problem. It's not that you're not allowed to express yourself, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to do so in polite society, between friends and loved ones, and in a workplace. If you can't admit that then start there.
Get on board or lose friends, break up, and get fired.
-
I have a pretty stressful job. I've been doing it for almost twenty years. I have not "exploded at work" once. Not ever.
This isn't an "expressing emotions isn't okay" problem, man.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I'm glad to hear it, man, but we aren't all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I'm also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can't do that when it involves my supervisor.
-
- You need to voice your concerns when they actually come up. The idea that showing emotions is objectively bad is completely false.
- You need to learn how to phrase negative comments with a neutral tone. You should not be describing anyone as mean, rude, bitch. Especially not your coworkers. Do you mean straightforward? Concerned? Talkative? Direct? Extroverted? Confident?
No, my supervisor is actually literally mean. She is mean to everyone and it causes a lot of struggles with everyone. I just have a harder time handling a bully than other people, and she bullies me more often than the rest of my coworkers.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Journal. Let your feelings out, incrementally, in a place that you don't feel vulnerable for doing so.
Today co-worker did X, they're a cunt. It annoys me because Y. Seriously, Co-worker is a dick. At the time I wish I had done Z, but Z is illegal. Nexr time I'll try [reasonable action]
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]I get on GTA or Just Cause 3 and start blowing shit up.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
Got to therapy. Seriously
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
You have to do something physical. Run, do some intense workout with cardio and weights, wail on a punching bag. Maybe all 3.
Let your brain focus on something that isn't words in your head, and exhaust you physically, and you'll quickly learn how inconsequential other people's petty BS really is in the grand scheme of things.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
-
No, my supervisor is actually literally mean. She is mean to everyone and it causes a lot of struggles with everyone. I just have a harder time handling a bully than other people, and she bullies me more often than the rest of my coworkers.
How much of the situation is within your control?
Perhaps you can't change the supervisor. You can still leave.
Or perhaps you can change the supervisor (e.g. talk to someone else in the org and get help).
Or perhaps the way you're reacting is part of the problem, and that is amplifying the problem, and perhaps you can change something about how you're acting, to reduce the problem.
There are always multiple ways to change a situation, but you have to actively seek them out yourself. People on the internet might give you useful ideas (there are lots in this thread), but they don't have the full context, so they can't give you off-the-shelf answers.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
I would say therapy and find a healthy way to offload steam such as exercise or meditation or walking your dog or hitting a few balls at the driving range...etc you get the idea.
Regarding therapy, if you want to explore that it may take a few tries to find someone you click with but I have many friends who swear by it and say it was one of the best things they have done.
-
Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I'm glad to hear it, man, but we aren't all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I'm also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can't do that when it involves my supervisor.
The worst thing you can do when people are working hard to get a reaction out of you is to give them one. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, but as others have said, there are more constructive ways to react to these kinds of workplace issues. By lashing out you're only hurting your own credibility in this situation.
You keep repeating the same defenses of the behavior you say you're trying to stop, though, so I am not quite convinced you want to change these things. It seems more like you want to change how people react to your behavior. If I am wrong, then I apologize and sincerely suggest dialectical behavioral therapy. It teaches you how to manage intense emotions in the moment.
