The stigma of being a feminine male has left me broken, dysfunctional, and afraid to leave home. How can I get past my fear?
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Sorry you are having hard times... makes me think of being young and having a hard time figuring it all out myself. I am a generally normal man but when I was young I didn't know what I felt. IDK if you are in the same boat I was
I didn't know if I was gay until the day I kissed a boy. We were about the same age as you and it was one of those "well that question is answered, not gay". I am always thankful for that memory.
In my world, there are plenty of people like you in daily life. So much so that it doesn't even register most of the time. Washington State is a world away from Ohio it seems.
I always truly felt that Dan Savages message "it gets better" is a truism. I knew a lot of people that left their world and came to Seattle because it was where it got better for them.
if you arn't gay then it doesn't matter either. There are so many women that I personally know that would prefer a feminine guy over a jock beefcake meathead
I hope you know, it does get better. But it might mean you need to leave that old life behind to start a new one in an environment that will welcome you.
I remember feeling grossed out or disgusted by fat people and one time someone said something wondering what gay people do in private. I distinctly remember thinking, WTF dude like I don't like fat people but I am not thinking about their sex lives. They arn't destroying society and if they are happy then who cares? My opinion is meaningless to this.
bigotry is bigotry and that helped me find my line internally.
anyways, you are always welcome to sit by me and I would welcome a conversation with you
but it would have to happen outside of Ohio because I am probably not going there
one of my favorite quotes from the director David Lynch "fix your hearts or die". I think the ugly masculinity that you have had to face should have to face their hearts
The rural parts, and most of eastern Washington are very Ohio. The difference in bigotry and political leaning is urban vs rural.
I think its misguided to tell someone they have to move to another state. That's a really big commitment. You can find accepting places much closer by moving to a nearby big city. That is far more achievable than moving to another state.
They fly pride flags in downtown Boise. The color of the state only changes the state level laws, not the local culture.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
What city are you close to? Can you look for work in Columbus? It's much more liberal and there are more people who are like minded. You might feel safer being yourself, while still being close to home. It would be a smaller move, if you have to move.
If you have the ability to, please seek help from a professional. It sounds like you are really struggling. Once you are in a better place mentally it will be easier to tackle these life things you don't have the motivation to do. You have been surviving so far, following what was expected of you. Now that there isn't a definite next step it's harder. I would recommend putting whatever energy you have into finding a therapist.
You can do this! You have reached out for help already, which is really hard. Honestly you are amazing to have survived with who you are intact. I can't imagine the strength it would take to live with people who believe you should be killed. To constantly be afraid of being found and hurt. You grew up being enemy lines when it should have been a safe haven.
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I want you to know that there are probably more of us women than you think, who find feminine straight men to be incredibly attractive and sexy. We are out there and we see you, even though you might not see us. We're still a small minority, but we are everywhere.
Society by and large doesn't accept feminine straight men as being valid or real, and the amount of shaming is heartbreaking, but if you can find people who accept you and become part of that community, you can gain the confidence and strength to tell the rest of society to go fuck off while you live your best life.
I know you mean well and you aren’t contradicting OP, but this is very cold comfort.
If a woman came to me and said she was threatened and harassed by men to the point of being unable to leave the house and I told her “don’t worry, there’s a minority of men who won’t do that. You just need to pick better men” you would think I was a monster.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
Not trying to dismiss you here at all, but my genuine advice is to get some therapy and not take advice about serious stuff like this from strangers online.
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I think you would benefit from having a progressive community around you IRL, not just online. People who accept you as you are and understand your fears.
I'm guessing moving somewhere progressive to go to college isn't an option. But you said you live close to a city. Is there maybe some group you could join there? Maybe an LGBTQ+ adjacent group? I know you are straight and cis, but some of the people there probably have experienced similar problems and allies are often welcome. Having a working support network makes things a lot less scary.
This is the advice I was coming to give, with the addition of a specific possible group.
I know there’s a lot of the anti-religion sentiment on Lemmy (for many good reasons) but one community I’m familiar enough with to suggest are Quakers (AKA Friends). Quakerism is rooted in progressive values and even those who practice have a wide array of religious beliefs, many of whom lean agnostic or even atheist.
It’s one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly groups I’ve ever been a part of, and there is a Friends meeting in Columbus.
I hope OP is able to find a community that supports and loves him for who he is.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I can't give advice, sorry.
Do you have autism by any chance?
If people hate you for this, they'd have REALLY hated Jesus
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I can’t say I related to your specific situation but the world you describe doesn’t look like the world I live in at all.
Definitely seek therapy and learn how to accept and love yourself. It reads like you have some self-loathing based off your upbringing that you are projecting onto others when it’s really not the reality
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I've always got on better with women than men. Always found more enjoyment in typically female pastimes. Decided not to show my power level. Never been happy with myself or my life as a result. I never enjoyed being something I'm not and all the friendships I made were based on a lie. Now at almost twice your age I figured out that maybe I was exposed to a wee bit much estrogen in utero. And that the reason I was infinitely more comfortable in the presence of women is because (at least mentally) I am one.
People always misunderstand gender as something that is either solely biological sex or solely a societal construct. There are actually a ton of weird endocrine, genetic, epigenetic, and environmental factors that contribute to the baseline state of the brain. All things considered it makes perfect sense that gender would be a spectrum of states with clusters around male and female. You should read a bit about it. Even if you aren't some sort of atypical gender it'd still be interesting. And you might find that the LGBTQ community is more accepting of your unique brand of masculinity. Even before my revelation most of my friends were some flavour of queer, just because they're largely nice people.
Also I grew up rurally (I'm pretty sure more rural than 99.9% of people here) and the people back home are largely fine with queer folk if they know them personally. Like a family member came out as bisexual and didn't loose any friends over it. And it's a really small place so if one person knows, everyone knows. I'm not going to assume it's like that everywhere though. One key difference is that my particular rural community is approx 70% atheist.
But yeah make gay friends and look into the whole gender thing. It's perfectly normal to question these things.
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I've always got on better with women than men. Always found more enjoyment in typically female pastimes. Decided not to show my power level. Never been happy with myself or my life as a result. I never enjoyed being something I'm not and all the friendships I made were based on a lie. Now at almost twice your age I figured out that maybe I was exposed to a wee bit much estrogen in utero. And that the reason I was infinitely more comfortable in the presence of women is because (at least mentally) I am one.
People always misunderstand gender as something that is either solely biological sex or solely a societal construct. There are actually a ton of weird endocrine, genetic, epigenetic, and environmental factors that contribute to the baseline state of the brain. All things considered it makes perfect sense that gender would be a spectrum of states with clusters around male and female. You should read a bit about it. Even if you aren't some sort of atypical gender it'd still be interesting. And you might find that the LGBTQ community is more accepting of your unique brand of masculinity. Even before my revelation most of my friends were some flavour of queer, just because they're largely nice people.
Also I grew up rurally (I'm pretty sure more rural than 99.9% of people here) and the people back home are largely fine with queer folk if they know them personally. Like a family member came out as bisexual and didn't loose any friends over it. And it's a really small place so if one person knows, everyone knows. I'm not going to assume it's like that everywhere though. One key difference is that my particular rural community is approx 70% atheist.
But yeah make gay friends and look into the whole gender thing. It's perfectly normal to question these things.
Decided not to show my power level.
Are you a Z fighter ?
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I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional
I believe that this is the better way of being a man.
They who told you that this were a bad thing, they were wrong. Very wrong. And their concept of patriarchal men is not just outdated, but bad, really bad, bordering at criminal.
I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me
Or maybe a majority.
Definitely agree with this. I’m a very “soft” man, I don’t yell, anger is very rare for me, I care deeply for others, all that jazz. My wife loves that about me and it’s a big reason she agreed to marry me. Imo a woman (or man or enby) who sees softness as a plus, that’s a massive green flag.
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Hey, it's me, the you that grew up in Kansas!
I'm 32 this year and I can tell you first hand that it's not as bad as it looks. I'm so comically flamboyant and feminine that the trans girls at the high school I worked at were coming to me for hair care and outfit advice, never once have I been threatened by some ass backwards bigot. I even spent my mid 20's hitting on them whenever they creeped on my gal pals.
Despite teeth like a meth house, ears I can glide with, and the worst case of psoriasis one dermatologist ever saw, my guy friends were always baffled by how my geek ass could land some of the women I dated. The answer is that intense heterosexual love you feel. Every partner I've ever had has been genuinely wholly the focus of my affections and they feel that.
Now I'm married to a fem presenting Non binary who's not sure if she can call herself ace anymore now that she enjoys sex. I don't care what she calls herself, she's my person and I wake up next to her and grin like a loon.
Sorry for the life story, but my point is that guys like us can make it out there. It can be rocky, especially when it comes to unpacking the damage, but you can thrive. Get your ass to that city, reach out to friends and make some new ones along the way. Don't let anyone tell you not to be you.
Hit me up in the DMS, I'd be happy to add you on Discord. You sound fantastic
You and your partner sound awesome. Just wanted to say though that enjoying sex has absolutely nothing to do with being ace. There's lots of us that like it and many others who feel neutral or repulsed by it. You can enjoy the cake without craving any specific cake, and that's just as valid as the person who doesn't crave the cake and don't want to eat it.
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I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional
I believe that this is the better way of being a man.
They who told you that this were a bad thing, they were wrong. Very wrong. And their concept of patriarchal men is not just outdated, but bad, really bad, bordering at criminal.
I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me
Or maybe a majority.
Or maybe a majority.
100%. People (not just women) are attracted to confidence. A cute, caring, and confident man who doesn't give a fuck about toxic masculinity definitely checks off a lot of boxes as an absolute stud. Modern day women with any sort of self respect are done with patriarchal bullshit.
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I identify as somewhat effeminate compared to most other men. I'm not gay or bi, I just don't like most "macho" culture stuff like sports, fighting, hunting and generally being belligerent evolutionary dead-ends in groups.
I have a wife and son. Sometimes I carry her purse for her in public. Sometimes she'll paint one of my nails for fun and I let her. Because it is.
It took me a long time to come to grips with myself and to accept myself that particular way, but I'd say I'm doing just a little bit better with that every day.
But it does put your social life in "hard mode" imho. It would be so much easier if I could be as enthousiastic about a piece of pigskin being kicked a certain distance but unfortunately I'm not easily impressed by feats our tree-slinging ancestors would easily destroy all of us in if push came to shove.
My partner is very much in your boat. At home and any time we go out to "safe" spaces (like queer spaces) he is very open and absolutely enjoys himself. We got pedicures the other day and he had sparkly blue toenails for like a week and loved it.
Unfortunately, he works in the auto industry and we live in a more conservative area, so whenever we're not in a "safe" space, I can 100% see him reverting to a more "hardened" version of himself. I know it's just self-preservation, but I can see (and he knows) how much happier he is when he doesn't have to be that way. It really sucks and I wish I could help him out of his shell a bit more, but I totally understand the shitty circumstances.
The patriarchy hurts every single one of us.
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Decided not to show my power level.
Are you a Z fighter ?
Kinda. But instead of a kamehameha, I just sleep with my opponents mother.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
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I can't give advice, sorry.
Do you have autism by any chance?
If people hate you for this, they'd have REALLY hated Jesus
"Dad I want to grow my hair out long"
"No, men must have short hair. Long hair is the sign of the devil"
"But all these pictures of Jesus have long hair"
"go to your room!!!"
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You and your partner sound awesome. Just wanted to say though that enjoying sex has absolutely nothing to do with being ace. There's lots of us that like it and many others who feel neutral or repulsed by it. You can enjoy the cake without craving any specific cake, and that's just as valid as the person who doesn't crave the cake and don't want to eat it.
That's exactly how we've been playing it. I'm not one to pick at peoples titles, all I care is she's happy.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I know you said you can't leave because of family and stuff, but you do need to be somewhere that will get you away from the abuse you are getting. Get an apartment in your town, that's a good start. And travel to the closest city to you. Central Ohio? I was in Columbus recently and was really digging it out there. Take a day trip or two every so often. Get out of that atmosphere.
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Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else.
True until you're visibly disabled. People can't handle being reminded life isn't fair, and they take it out on you.
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I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
Well, if there's one thing that should drive you, it should be getting some form of education or vocational training and forging your own path forward, ideally someplace chill. There's many places on the west coast where being effeminate is totally normal, and people are totally fine with that. I like it when people get to really be themselves, and I LOVE men who wear cute things. We need more cute apparel!
I also think therapy would genuinely help you. If you put in your location, hit "all filters" and you can choose what type of therapy you want, and there's also a separate section for Bisexual/Lesbian/LGBTQ+ (even if you are straight, filtering by these might get you a really thoughtful counselor.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/oh/columbus
Just to make this post too long, I was in a similar boat coming out years ago. Not quite the same, I think girly stuff is cute, but I also don't go out of my way to wear it. Anyways, I was really stuck in a rut over sexuality, conflicts with religion, and my confusion with cute women, but also cute men. My life really turned around when I started talking to close friends about what I was going through.
I went deep, no holds barred, we talked hard about everything and life. At the same time, I called my doctor's office and got a referral for a therapist, who was excellent. That man really helped turn my life around, and recommended the site I linked above. Honestly, his help was all I needed. I've met someone I truly love, and everything all worked out in the end.
The hardest part for me was calling that clinic and telling them that I needed help, and why I needed help. It was hard, but life slowly got easier after that.
