I've been told that I "bottle things up and then explode". How do you not "explode"?
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First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
I would say therapy and find a healthy way to offload steam such as exercise or meditation or walking your dog or hitting a few balls at the driving range...etc you get the idea.
Regarding therapy, if you want to explore that it may take a few tries to find someone you click with but I have many friends who swear by it and say it was one of the best things they have done.
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Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I'm glad to hear it, man, but we aren't all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I'm also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can't do that when it involves my supervisor.
The worst thing you can do when people are working hard to get a reaction out of you is to give them one. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, but as others have said, there are more constructive ways to react to these kinds of workplace issues. By lashing out you're only hurting your own credibility in this situation.
You keep repeating the same defenses of the behavior you say you're trying to stop, though, so I am not quite convinced you want to change these things. It seems more like you want to change how people react to your behavior. If I am wrong, then I apologize and sincerely suggest dialectical behavioral therapy. It teaches you how to manage intense emotions in the moment.
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The worst thing you can do when people are working hard to get a reaction out of you is to give them one. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, but as others have said, there are more constructive ways to react to these kinds of workplace issues. By lashing out you're only hurting your own credibility in this situation.
You keep repeating the same defenses of the behavior you say you're trying to stop, though, so I am not quite convinced you want to change these things. It seems more like you want to change how people react to your behavior. If I am wrong, then I apologize and sincerely suggest dialectical behavioral therapy. It teaches you how to manage intense emotions in the moment.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Yeah my one coworker has tried to teach me to just agree to and comply with whatever my bully is saying. I am actually able to do this for a period of time! But after a while, I tend to fail and have a reaction. It especially happens if I am provoked repeatedly in relatively quick succession.
I guess one of my frustrations is that my entire life, I have been taught that I am not supposed to react to people who bully me or otherwise act inappropriately to me or others. I am just supposed to let them do it and try not to show any emotion or reaction in response. I can act passively to try to protect myself, but actively is not correct.
The frustrating thing about it is it just enables bullies to continue bullying while I struggle to maintain composure from repeated incidents.
I guess it's like...
Not reacting to bullies doesn't make them go away or fix the problem. Contrary to popular belief, some people don't stop taking advantage of others just because you aren't visibly reacting.
But reacting to bullies makes me look like a crazy person.
So what then?
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I do not have any helpful outlets. The things that people say are outlets don't work for me.
Running? I do it. Doesn't help. I ruminate during a run.
Venting to a friend? Doesn't help. I feel guilty for bothering them, they get frustrated with me for bothering them, and it's wrong to do that to people who have busy lives and their own problems.
Venting to ChatGPT? Occasionally will help a little bit, but usually does not help. It's not a real person and does not understand me, but prevents me from harming others by venting to them. Also helps me ruminate on my problems.
Writing down my thoughts? Doesn't help. It makes me ruminate.
Helpful outlets don't just fall in your lap, though. You have to do the work of trying things and see what sticks. You can start with small, achievable distractions if that makes it easier, too. For me, it's taking a super hot shower and singing along loudly with music blaring. It's just a short amount of time, but it stops my brain from going down a bad road sometimes when I can tell I'm about to have a rough time.
You are not a passenger in your own life, and you are going to have to start actively making changes if you want things to improve for you. It's not going to just randomly happen to you.
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How much of the situation is within your control?
Perhaps you can't change the supervisor. You can still leave.
Or perhaps you can change the supervisor (e.g. talk to someone else in the org and get help).
Or perhaps the way you're reacting is part of the problem, and that is amplifying the problem, and perhaps you can change something about how you're acting, to reduce the problem.
There are always multiple ways to change a situation, but you have to actively seek them out yourself. People on the internet might give you useful ideas (there are lots in this thread), but they don't have the full context, so they can't give you off-the-shelf answers.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]At the moment I have lodged a complaint within the company and asked for a request that I think would help me out. So that is an ongoing process right now. But I am not hopeful because there have been complaints lodged about my supervisor in the past without any helpful resolution.
Yes, I can leave the position. But I work a small field and everything else about the position is amazing and hard to come by. But my sanity is constantly being pushed over the edge by that person.
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First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions.
I'm guessing you're a man. Society imposes this upon men in particular.
Tell society to fuck off. Have emotions, experience emotions, and process them like a human being.
Then take it a step further, and learn how to handle them like an emotionally intelligent human being.
I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone.
This is part of the problem. This is not what you need to know. You need to know how to express negative emotions without losing control of yourself or your reaction to your emotions.
I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
People bottling things up and exploding when in a safe space is part of the problem.
I'll echo the idea of anger management, or even therapy in general.
Nobody who is healthy hides away their emotions. You're not alone in feeling the way you do. Society is sending you signals that you need to do something unhealthy, but that won't actually fix the problem.
I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Yeah everyone is suggesting therapy, but unfortunately I won't be able to plan out something for the next month or so as my work schedule is a bit in flux. I started on SSRIs about 4 months ago, but have not really noticed any effects on them... positive or negative.
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What is this 'society' nonsense? You can express your desires and feelings without having to explode, that's the solution. And when you eventually do, because you're human and mistakes will happen, apologise profusely and understand "the work" is not yet done. Also whatever you propose is not only a denial of your own humanity, in vain and for your own detriment (and immature too, which is not a good look!), but also the kind of things dudes try before they shoot up churches and festivals.
You are human, after all, a social animal. You're gonna have to open up as calmly as you can when the situation calls for it, instead of not saying anything because you don't feel brave enough to be vulnerable (maybe you feel like the people around you will only misunderstand you and make it worse?), so resentment doesn't add up in the background and you don't end up exploding. And I'm not just preaching here, I'm speaking from experience!
Don't worry, the anger would never be directed at innocent people like that. It is directed at the self. So the end result you speak of may occur one day, but to the self and not others.
It's not that I don't feel brave enough...I know that I'm not supposed to say anything in response. I get in trouble when I do so. The person I have trouble with is not understanding in differences of opinion.
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First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
This reminds me of something a European told me about dating in the US. "Americans say nothing is wrong and then blow up when it's a level 11 problem and i had no idea anything was wrong. Where I'm from we address it when it's a level 2 problem."
Be a level 2 problem, not a level 11 problem. That means you gotta fucking talk.
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I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Yeah everyone is suggesting therapy, but unfortunately I won't be able to plan out something for the next month or so as my work schedule is a bit in flux. I started on SSRIs about 4 months ago, but have not really noticed any effects on them... positive or negative.
I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Damn. I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Sometimes women are told to keep it inside, too. It's never exclusive to one gender.
Later is better than never. So keep looking towards the future.
You might find some helpful resources online in the meanwhile. Mindfulness and, in particular, emotional intelligence might be two key phrases to look into.
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Helpful outlets don't just fall in your lap, though. You have to do the work of trying things and see what sticks. You can start with small, achievable distractions if that makes it easier, too. For me, it's taking a super hot shower and singing along loudly with music blaring. It's just a short amount of time, but it stops my brain from going down a bad road sometimes when I can tell I'm about to have a rough time.
You are not a passenger in your own life, and you are going to have to start actively making changes if you want things to improve for you. It's not going to just randomly happen to you.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Well right...I try a new thing out for a while and then it doesn't work. I either continue to try them even if they don't work (like running...i keep eventually hoping I'll get a benefit after doing it for over a year) or discontinue them and try a new thing. I've never found anything that works for me despite the fact that I keep trying. It's frustrating.
The latest thing I've been trying is SSRIs. Those don't seem to do anything either.
I get that the OP and my responses make it sound like I'm not trying things. I am. I have been. That's why I'm so frustrated.
I want to try giving therapy a longer shot but I have to wait until my work schedule is more consistent. It will be in a bit of a flux for the next month or so.
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I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Damn. I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Sometimes women are told to keep it inside, too. It's never exclusive to one gender.
Later is better than never. So keep looking towards the future.
You might find some helpful resources online in the meanwhile. Mindfulness and, in particular, emotional intelligence might be two key phrases to look into.
Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to imply it was exclusive to one gender! Just staying my own experience. My mom was a victim of domestic violence so I think I was raised with unfortunately that kind of in mind...she always had a passive role in conflict so I was supposed to as well. And then some of my close friends seem to have similar responses to conflict.
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I do not have any helpful outlets. The things that people say are outlets don't work for me.
Running? I do it. Doesn't help. I ruminate during a run.
Venting to a friend? Doesn't help. I feel guilty for bothering them, they get frustrated with me for bothering them, and it's wrong to do that to people who have busy lives and their own problems.
Venting to ChatGPT? Occasionally will help a little bit, but usually does not help. It's not a real person and does not understand me, but prevents me from harming others by venting to them. Also helps me ruminate on my problems.
Writing down my thoughts? Doesn't help. It makes me ruminate.
I was thinking about something like going to the shooting range or kickboxing. A bit of controlled violence might do the trick.
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Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I'm glad to hear it, man, but we aren't all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I'm also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can't do that when it involves my supervisor.
People have threatened to stab me at work.
I'd bet $10 your boss isn't doing a damn thing besides holding you responsible for not being able to handle your own shit.
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First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
With out most respect - is there any chance that you are one of the people who is so hang up on being nice that they never think about other people?
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Don't worry, the anger would never be directed at innocent people like that. It is directed at the self. So the end result you speak of may occur one day, but to the self and not others.
It's not that I don't feel brave enough...I know that I'm not supposed to say anything in response. I get in trouble when I do so. The person I have trouble with is not understanding in differences of opinion.
I'm sorry to hear about this, it sounds more serious than what I thought. I think you should talk about it with the kindest/most understanding person you know. You might not be able to talk to this person because you might "get in trouble" but you can talk about them/the situation to get a clearer picture. Take care, dingus, and don't lose hope.
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First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
Have you tried just not exploding? Like, maybe turn your emotions off so that instead of exploding in rage you just feel a vague annoyance? It's called alexythymia, and I highly recommend it; it makes shitty things much easier to deal with.
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With out most respect - is there any chance that you are one of the people who is so hang up on being nice that they never think about other people?
That was a very interesting video.
I do not think I am at all like the man in the video. The man in the video seems to just agree with everything even if he doesn't want to, which is not what I think I do. I do not overcommit and then resent people for it. If someone is an asshole to me then I don't at all agree to do things to keep the peace.
I more have issues when someone is actively being mean to me or others trying to provoke me or others. Or when I am having a bad day and am acting too depressed about things and am then called overdramatic or oversensitive.
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People have threatened to stab me at work.
I'd bet $10 your boss isn't doing a damn thing besides holding you responsible for not being able to handle your own shit.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]I have not threatened to stab anyone. I don't think that just because my boss doesn't threaten me with physical violence that it can't be psychologically damaging. With all due respect, that is a very inappropriate response and comparison.
My supervisor nitpicks me and lectures me for every single little thing that I do. Often I am not even actually making mistakes, but just exercise judgement that is different from hers. The kicker is that she wants me to exercise my own judgement about work tasks, refusing to make specific policies on what she wants. But then she chastizes me for not telepathically knowing that she wanted things another way. She talks down to me and comments on my unconscious physical mannerisms. She is a bully and I am not her first victim.
She absolutely is not "holding me responsible for my own shit". She is known for being incredibly difficult to deal with and has had many complaints filed against her to HR. She causes a lot of conflict among a lot of different people. HR just doesn't particularly care and everyone expects me to shut up.
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Have you tried just not exploding? Like, maybe turn your emotions off so that instead of exploding in rage you just feel a vague annoyance? It's called alexythymia, and I highly recommend it; it makes shitty things much easier to deal with.
Dude I would love to be able to induce that rn
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At the moment I have lodged a complaint within the company and asked for a request that I think would help me out. So that is an ongoing process right now. But I am not hopeful because there have been complaints lodged about my supervisor in the past without any helpful resolution.
Yes, I can leave the position. But I work a small field and everything else about the position is amazing and hard to come by. But my sanity is constantly being pushed over the edge by that person.
That sounds fucked, dude. Best of luck with your complaint.
TBH now that you say this, it sounds like might be in a similar situation to me at my last job, which I persevered with for 3 years of riding burn-out (because the work was almost ideal for me, and the people were mostly amazing), and then quit.
There's already lots of other good suggestions here, but one point that might be worth noting: I think there are two different purposes types of therapy: psychological help (e.g. understanding your own brain, and figuring out ways to change it), and counselling (listening to your problems, and probably offering some professional guidance).
It sounds to me that given the circumstances you describe above, counselling is probably more immediately valuable - what you really need to do is to get some clear external perspective on your situation, from someone with whom you can share details privately. A good counsellor should be able to help you find multiple paths out of your predicament (you might also benefit from seeing multiple different counsellors, since they will all provide different perspectives). In my experience this really helps to ground your understanding, and helps answer the "Is it me, or them, or something else that's the problem?" question.
IF that process provides more indication that your angry outburst are because of what's going on in your head, and not just a fairly justified response to a shit situation, THEN maybe it's a good indication that you should look in to psychology or anger management approaches, or similar. If your angry outburst have existed prior to this work situation, then perhaps you could skip the counselling step, but it still might be worth it.
At my last job I was having angry reactive outbursts (which I had had in the past, but to a much lesser degree, and they were now spilling over onto family and friends), and getting anxiety (which had never happened before). I saw a few psychs and counsellors, and the last one I saw while at work said something like "If you anxiety is about a real work problem, and not an imagined/exaggerated/catastrophised problem, then it's not anxiety, it's stress". That really tripped a switch in my mind, and made the decision to quit super clear. Immediately after handing in my resignation my anxiety levels dropped off a cliff, and my anger slowly dropped back to tolerable levels over the following months.
