I've been told that I "bottle things up and then explode". How do you not "explode"?
-
What is this 'society' nonsense? You can express your desires and feelings without having to explode, that's the solution. And when you eventually do, because you're human and mistakes will happen, apologise profusely and understand "the work" is not yet done. Also whatever you propose is not only a denial of your own humanity, in vain and for your own detriment (and immature too, which is not a good look!), but also the kind of things dudes try before they shoot up churches and festivals.
You are human, after all, a social animal. You're gonna have to open up as calmly as you can when the situation calls for it, instead of not saying anything because you don't feel brave enough to be vulnerable (maybe you feel like the people around you will only misunderstand you and make it worse?), so resentment doesn't add up in the background and you don't end up exploding. And I'm not just preaching here, I'm speaking from experience!
Don't worry, the anger would never be directed at innocent people like that. It is directed at the self. So the end result you speak of may occur one day, but to the self and not others.
It's not that I don't feel brave enough...I know that I'm not supposed to say anything in response. I get in trouble when I do so. The person I have trouble with is not understanding in differences of opinion.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
This reminds me of something a European told me about dating in the US. "Americans say nothing is wrong and then blow up when it's a level 11 problem and i had no idea anything was wrong. Where I'm from we address it when it's a level 2 problem."
Be a level 2 problem, not a level 11 problem. That means you gotta fucking talk.
-
I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Yeah everyone is suggesting therapy, but unfortunately I won't be able to plan out something for the next month or so as my work schedule is a bit in flux. I started on SSRIs about 4 months ago, but have not really noticed any effects on them... positive or negative.
I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Damn. I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Sometimes women are told to keep it inside, too. It's never exclusive to one gender.
Later is better than never. So keep looking towards the future.
You might find some helpful resources online in the meanwhile. Mindfulness and, in particular, emotional intelligence might be two key phrases to look into.
-
Helpful outlets don't just fall in your lap, though. You have to do the work of trying things and see what sticks. You can start with small, achievable distractions if that makes it easier, too. For me, it's taking a super hot shower and singing along loudly with music blaring. It's just a short amount of time, but it stops my brain from going down a bad road sometimes when I can tell I'm about to have a rough time.
You are not a passenger in your own life, and you are going to have to start actively making changes if you want things to improve for you. It's not going to just randomly happen to you.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Well right...I try a new thing out for a while and then it doesn't work. I either continue to try them even if they don't work (like running...i keep eventually hoping I'll get a benefit after doing it for over a year) or discontinue them and try a new thing. I've never found anything that works for me despite the fact that I keep trying. It's frustrating.
The latest thing I've been trying is SSRIs. Those don't seem to do anything either.
I get that the OP and my responses make it sound like I'm not trying things. I am. I have been. That's why I'm so frustrated.
I want to try giving therapy a longer shot but I have to wait until my work schedule is more consistent. It will be in a bit of a flux for the next month or so.
-
I'm actually not a man, believe it or not. The other women in my life have taught me to be that way as well.
Damn. I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Sometimes women are told to keep it inside, too. It's never exclusive to one gender.
Later is better than never. So keep looking towards the future.
You might find some helpful resources online in the meanwhile. Mindfulness and, in particular, emotional intelligence might be two key phrases to look into.
Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to imply it was exclusive to one gender! Just staying my own experience. My mom was a victim of domestic violence so I think I was raised with unfortunately that kind of in mind...she always had a passive role in conflict so I was supposed to as well. And then some of my close friends seem to have similar responses to conflict.
-
I do not have any helpful outlets. The things that people say are outlets don't work for me.
Running? I do it. Doesn't help. I ruminate during a run.
Venting to a friend? Doesn't help. I feel guilty for bothering them, they get frustrated with me for bothering them, and it's wrong to do that to people who have busy lives and their own problems.
Venting to ChatGPT? Occasionally will help a little bit, but usually does not help. It's not a real person and does not understand me, but prevents me from harming others by venting to them. Also helps me ruminate on my problems.
Writing down my thoughts? Doesn't help. It makes me ruminate.
I was thinking about something like going to the shooting range or kickboxing. A bit of controlled violence might do the trick.
-
Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I'm glad to hear it, man, but we aren't all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I'm also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can't do that when it involves my supervisor.
People have threatened to stab me at work.
I'd bet $10 your boss isn't doing a damn thing besides holding you responsible for not being able to handle your own shit.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
With out most respect - is there any chance that you are one of the people who is so hang up on being nice that they never think about other people?
-
Don't worry, the anger would never be directed at innocent people like that. It is directed at the self. So the end result you speak of may occur one day, but to the self and not others.
It's not that I don't feel brave enough...I know that I'm not supposed to say anything in response. I get in trouble when I do so. The person I have trouble with is not understanding in differences of opinion.
I'm sorry to hear about this, it sounds more serious than what I thought. I think you should talk about it with the kindest/most understanding person you know. You might not be able to talk to this person because you might "get in trouble" but you can talk about them/the situation to get a clearer picture. Take care, dingus, and don't lose hope.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
Have you tried just not exploding? Like, maybe turn your emotions off so that instead of exploding in rage you just feel a vague annoyance? It's called alexythymia, and I highly recommend it; it makes shitty things much easier to deal with.
-
With out most respect - is there any chance that you are one of the people who is so hang up on being nice that they never think about other people?
That was a very interesting video.
I do not think I am at all like the man in the video. The man in the video seems to just agree with everything even if he doesn't want to, which is not what I think I do. I do not overcommit and then resent people for it. If someone is an asshole to me then I don't at all agree to do things to keep the peace.
I more have issues when someone is actively being mean to me or others trying to provoke me or others. Or when I am having a bad day and am acting too depressed about things and am then called overdramatic or oversensitive.
-
People have threatened to stab me at work.
I'd bet $10 your boss isn't doing a damn thing besides holding you responsible for not being able to handle your own shit.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]I have not threatened to stab anyone. I don't think that just because my boss doesn't threaten me with physical violence that it can't be psychologically damaging. With all due respect, that is a very inappropriate response and comparison.
My supervisor nitpicks me and lectures me for every single little thing that I do. Often I am not even actually making mistakes, but just exercise judgement that is different from hers. The kicker is that she wants me to exercise my own judgement about work tasks, refusing to make specific policies on what she wants. But then she chastizes me for not telepathically knowing that she wanted things another way. She talks down to me and comments on my unconscious physical mannerisms. She is a bully and I am not her first victim.
She absolutely is not "holding me responsible for my own shit". She is known for being incredibly difficult to deal with and has had many complaints filed against her to HR. She causes a lot of conflict among a lot of different people. HR just doesn't particularly care and everyone expects me to shut up.
-
Have you tried just not exploding? Like, maybe turn your emotions off so that instead of exploding in rage you just feel a vague annoyance? It's called alexythymia, and I highly recommend it; it makes shitty things much easier to deal with.
Dude I would love to be able to induce that rn
-
At the moment I have lodged a complaint within the company and asked for a request that I think would help me out. So that is an ongoing process right now. But I am not hopeful because there have been complaints lodged about my supervisor in the past without any helpful resolution.
Yes, I can leave the position. But I work a small field and everything else about the position is amazing and hard to come by. But my sanity is constantly being pushed over the edge by that person.
That sounds fucked, dude. Best of luck with your complaint.
TBH now that you say this, it sounds like might be in a similar situation to me at my last job, which I persevered with for 3 years of riding burn-out (because the work was almost ideal for me, and the people were mostly amazing), and then quit.
There's already lots of other good suggestions here, but one point that might be worth noting: I think there are two different purposes types of therapy: psychological help (e.g. understanding your own brain, and figuring out ways to change it), and counselling (listening to your problems, and probably offering some professional guidance).
It sounds to me that given the circumstances you describe above, counselling is probably more immediately valuable - what you really need to do is to get some clear external perspective on your situation, from someone with whom you can share details privately. A good counsellor should be able to help you find multiple paths out of your predicament (you might also benefit from seeing multiple different counsellors, since they will all provide different perspectives). In my experience this really helps to ground your understanding, and helps answer the "Is it me, or them, or something else that's the problem?" question.
IF that process provides more indication that your angry outburst are because of what's going on in your head, and not just a fairly justified response to a shit situation, THEN maybe it's a good indication that you should look in to psychology or anger management approaches, or similar. If your angry outburst have existed prior to this work situation, then perhaps you could skip the counselling step, but it still might be worth it.
At my last job I was having angry reactive outbursts (which I had had in the past, but to a much lesser degree, and they were now spilling over onto family and friends), and getting anxiety (which had never happened before). I saw a few psychs and counsellors, and the last one I saw while at work said something like "If you anxiety is about a real work problem, and not an imagined/exaggerated/catastrophised problem, then it's not anxiety, it's stress". That really tripped a switch in my mind, and made the decision to quit super clear. Immediately after handing in my resignation my anxiety levels dropped off a cliff, and my anger slowly dropped back to tolerable levels over the following months.
-
Journal. Let your feelings out, incrementally, in a place that you don't feel vulnerable for doing so.
Today co-worker did X, they're a cunt. It annoys me because Y. Seriously, Co-worker is a dick. At the time I wish I had done Z, but Z is illegal. Nexr time I'll try [reasonable action]
There's a journaling format that I really rate call "jackal journalling", invented by Kate Raffin, and based on NVC. It's basically what you say - brain dump of abusive/judgemental thoughts, but with an added layer of going back and analysing the feelings associated with each thought, and trying to identify the unmet needs they express. It can be really helpful for turning a head full of anger/despair/whatever bad thoughts into a useful assessment, and it can help give direction as to what to do next too.
-
Yeah my one coworker has tried to teach me to just agree to and comply with whatever my bully is saying. I am actually able to do this for a period of time! But after a while, I tend to fail and have a reaction. It especially happens if I am provoked repeatedly in relatively quick succession.
I guess one of my frustrations is that my entire life, I have been taught that I am not supposed to react to people who bully me or otherwise act inappropriately to me or others. I am just supposed to let them do it and try not to show any emotion or reaction in response. I can act passively to try to protect myself, but actively is not correct.
The frustrating thing about it is it just enables bullies to continue bullying while I struggle to maintain composure from repeated incidents.
I guess it's like...
Not reacting to bullies doesn't make them go away or fix the problem. Contrary to popular belief, some people don't stop taking advantage of others just because you aren't visibly reacting.
But reacting to bullies makes me look like a crazy person.
So what then?
Have you considered going to HR about this? I've never confronted a bully directly at work. You need to be indirect, not direct. Not every problem can be solved head on.
-
That sounds fucked, dude. Best of luck with your complaint.
TBH now that you say this, it sounds like might be in a similar situation to me at my last job, which I persevered with for 3 years of riding burn-out (because the work was almost ideal for me, and the people were mostly amazing), and then quit.
There's already lots of other good suggestions here, but one point that might be worth noting: I think there are two different purposes types of therapy: psychological help (e.g. understanding your own brain, and figuring out ways to change it), and counselling (listening to your problems, and probably offering some professional guidance).
It sounds to me that given the circumstances you describe above, counselling is probably more immediately valuable - what you really need to do is to get some clear external perspective on your situation, from someone with whom you can share details privately. A good counsellor should be able to help you find multiple paths out of your predicament (you might also benefit from seeing multiple different counsellors, since they will all provide different perspectives). In my experience this really helps to ground your understanding, and helps answer the "Is it me, or them, or something else that's the problem?" question.
IF that process provides more indication that your angry outburst are because of what's going on in your head, and not just a fairly justified response to a shit situation, THEN maybe it's a good indication that you should look in to psychology or anger management approaches, or similar. If your angry outburst have existed prior to this work situation, then perhaps you could skip the counselling step, but it still might be worth it.
At my last job I was having angry reactive outbursts (which I had had in the past, but to a much lesser degree, and they were now spilling over onto family and friends), and getting anxiety (which had never happened before). I saw a few psychs and counsellors, and the last one I saw while at work said something like "If you anxiety is about a real work problem, and not an imagined/exaggerated/catastrophised problem, then it's not anxiety, it's stress". That really tripped a switch in my mind, and made the decision to quit super clear. Immediately after handing in my resignation my anxiety levels dropped off a cliff, and my anger slowly dropped back to tolerable levels over the following months.
Thank you for your lengthy message. Many others on here are quick to shun and judge me.
I actually didn't realize that there was a difference between counselling and therapy. I'm sure I could use both, but that is a good thing to be made aware of. I have both stress and anxiety haha!
The vast majority of my outbursts are with my supervisor. I do on occasion have it with someone else if I feel they are treating others inappropriately.
From the internet, a lot of people ask me why I don't just quit. In some scenarios it's not really that simple and really not what I want to do. I don't entirely feel comfortable as to stating all the reasons why, but you just have to trust me on this.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up"
I hate to be that guy, and believe me I was in that boat once. But the solution is to not reach the point where you are exploding from the amount bottled up.
Humans are not meant to be stoic creatures. People have feelings, that's called being human. You need to find someone you can trust(NOT A COWORKER), and every once and awhile vent to them about things that you aren't able to resolve with the person that's causing the frustration. That's your best solution.
Reading your replies, this seems to be more a super toxic work environment issue which I think if you fix, will resolve most of your issues. Due to this, I recommend ON-TOP of the previous recommendation, also either contacting HR about it, or if you do not feel comfortable with doing that, finding another job. You should not be being bullied by anyone let alone a manager. There are so many work policies in place in most work environments protecting you against this, and not to mention most civilized countries have laws against it.
Being said, if you feel that it is less of a you bottle things up, and more of a you aren't thick skinned enough to be able to handle the every day work-life without having anger issues and exploding, you may also want to look into some form of Anger management or calming technique. But honestly, it sounds like it's a combination of the first two issues and less of an anger issue.
-
First, don't tell me that the answer is just to "not bottle things up", because that's objectively incorrect too. Society doesn't want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I'm alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
You are not your thoughts, nor are you your emotions. You are the observer of those things. Somebody presses your buttons, but it is your choice whether or not those buttons fire. For example if a child said some hurtful things to you, would it have the same impact as an adult? I should hope not. What is stopping you from viewing somebody as a child, especially if they are acting like one?
In addition to cardio, try breathing and cold water. Always breathe through your nose, even when running. Try to breathe through your nose as a cold shower takes your breath away. Or go for the full ice bath. An ice bath tells your body (the producer of anger emotions and chemicals), “hey, I’m in control here, you are not good at assessing threats”. The mind follows the breath, or the breath follows the mind.
But if I’m being honest I’ve always had a hot temper, and what is really helping me is Lithium. It allows me to observe anger without being overwhelmed by it.
-
Thank you for your lengthy message. Many others on here are quick to shun and judge me.
I actually didn't realize that there was a difference between counselling and therapy. I'm sure I could use both, but that is a good thing to be made aware of. I have both stress and anxiety haha!
The vast majority of my outbursts are with my supervisor. I do on occasion have it with someone else if I feel they are treating others inappropriately.
From the internet, a lot of people ask me why I don't just quit. In some scenarios it's not really that simple and really not what I want to do. I don't entirely feel comfortable as to stating all the reasons why, but you just have to trust me on this.
For sure. Quitting is not an option for many.. Job security is hard to come by in a lot of places. I don't think you need to state reasons for it not doing it, it's enough to know you've considered it and it doesn't seem viable to you.
