Dad dating a minor; what to do?
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
You're right to be concerned. Something similar happened in my family, and it did not end well at all.
The ages were more like 16 and 36, which is legal here, and her family supported it, but that didn't stop the grooming accusations. When the relationship failed (which is very likely when one partner has very little life experience), his reputation was ruined. He was severely beaten by other men who thought they were protecting her, and he was effectively run out of town.
However they might feel now, not everyone will see it the same way. This has consequences.
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If it's legal, then you've either got to put your morality aside and accept it or remove yourself from the situation. You can't demand that others alter their behaviour to suit your moral code.
There's a better-than-fair chance that it won't work out, anyway. She will want to do things that he's not capable of due to his age, and he will want to do things that she's not mature enough to process reasonably. If the relationship lasts, then good on them for finding happiness.
From a personal point-of-view, I would be weirded out if my dad's girlfriend was younger than me, too.She will want to do things that he's not capable of due to his age.
The fuck.....? He's 48... Not 100 years old. What do you think a 48-year-old is like?
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She will want to do things that he's not capable of due to his age.
The fuck.....? He's 48... Not 100 years old. What do you think a 48-year-old is like?
Theres truth in it. Im 37 and I recently lost the ability to stand in crowded and noisy places with people I dont like.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
I'm 34 and my partner is 54, We've been together for over 10 years, this is the best and strongest relationship both of us have had, not that I have had many, but my partner has and he says he's the happiest he's ever been with me.
17 is young but it isn't too young (imo), she might be mature for her age and they might work really well together.
Not sure what point I'm trying to make, other than this kind of age gap does not always mean doom and gloom and that your dad could have found someone he could really enjoy being with, and you don't want to destroy his happiness do you?
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Theres truth in it. Im 37 and I recently lost the ability to stand in crowded and noisy places with people I dont like.
You too huh?
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You too huh?
Me three. The level of bullshit I am able to handle ha dropped so much in my 30s! There needs to be an impressively good reason for me to go to a crowded place
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Do you hear what you're saying?
Dad has been supportive of you, and here you are condemning him.
Frankly, who he dates is none of your business. It's legal, so you got nothing to say about it.
I mean the irony is palpable.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Regardless of what many comments say, your feelings are completely valid. I'd be upset too. It's not like your dad is doing anything monstrous, but it's plain stupid (to say the least). Sometimes, love is that way. It lasts whatever is needed for the people involved to learn some stuff.
Be patient. Your support will be needed, sooner or later. Even if the relationship doesn't end at all. There will be drawbacks. If you don't feel up to the 'task', cool. It's not an obligation. Just keep your distance from it.
Btw, 19 is a good age to start living with some frens. Perhaps a talk with your Dad is due... do not make it about this situation (or not exclusively). You deserve your own space. I believe the need for it can be something that was already in the works, and now you are getting 'hit' by everything altogether and all at once with this situation.
Good luck!
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Be happy that he's happy....
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Totally okay to feel this way OP!!!
Best thing I read from all the comments so far was getting to know the woman more. There might be some small chance she happens be super mature? I don’t know, there are people who have spent multiple decades on this planet and we’re left with a few positive things to say about them and their maturity. Then you had the Greta Thunbergs & Malala Yousafzais whose brains likely developed far faster than almost any of their peers…
48 & 28, or any age and like 30, would certainly be a much better age gap. Not because I’m ageist but owing to statistics, probabilities, all that… it just helps when someone reaches a certain age where you become fairly confident they must’ve become an adult at some point and figured some stuff out. Then you are able to relax a bit with the otherwise inherent suspicions.
There are 8 billion of us. Presumably more than zero 18-year-olds will be happier, more fulfilled, even better off should they join an older partner. They will be exceptions to the rule. (Rule… like half your age +7 maybe? Would = 31 for your paps.) I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (though keep in mind “more than zero“ is saying very little).
It is a BADDDDD look. It is unlikely it’s all gravy. Non-zero chance, though—non-zero chance it’s not the worst thing ever. Since it’s not illegal, you’ve time to sleep on it all some more and keep thinking where to go. Can make a new post here next week with more thoughts and questions. We’ll be here for ya buddy. (Can DM me if we miss it)
Final thought, I remember something (maybe “best of Reddit“) where someone eloquently ELI5’d to a young woman why although it felt so awesome to be with an older guy there were risks and why it wasn’t a good look for the guy essentially I think. Maybe someone remembers the post and can find it. Then if you get to know the young woman more, and you realize she…
is delusional(sry sounds offensive, just mean she’s actually mentally 17 like her birthday would predict), you would have this great way of explaining to her why the whole older guy thing isn’t isn’t Bee’s Knees. -
He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
I do get the discomfort but what are you "moral" objections? Is it that she too immature to make a decision? Or is it that you think your dad is taking advantage of her?
It's worth working through why this is a moral issue for you, you're a bit vague about it. In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
But in Europe adulthood has generally begun at 16, including being able to leave school and work in many places. The voting age is even being extended down to 16 from 18 in some places. So it's not as clear cut that someone at 16 is not able to make independent decisions as American users sometimes make it seem.
Having said that, I personally don't like the idea but more pragmatically for the age difference and the maturity difference. She can consent but there is a very significant change in maturity from 17 to 25, and I'm not sure how viable a relationship someone who is 48 can have with someone who is 17.
I think they are both adults and of the age of consent. You can express your concerns to your dad but ultimately it is both of their decisions and you should stay out of it beyond that (unless there are other issues that arise). I wouldn't go too far judging him beyond that - he will be your dad for the rest of your life. If you had a best friend who was 17 and in a relationship with a 48 year old, you might express your opinion but would you interfere beyond that? Probably not - this should probably be the same.
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I do get the discomfort but what are you "moral" objections? Is it that she too immature to make a decision? Or is it that you think your dad is taking advantage of her?
It's worth working through why this is a moral issue for you, you're a bit vague about it. In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
But in Europe adulthood has generally begun at 16, including being able to leave school and work in many places. The voting age is even being extended down to 16 from 18 in some places. So it's not as clear cut that someone at 16 is not able to make independent decisions as American users sometimes make it seem.
Having said that, I personally don't like the idea but more pragmatically for the age difference and the maturity difference. She can consent but there is a very significant change in maturity from 17 to 25, and I'm not sure how viable a relationship someone who is 48 can have with someone who is 17.
I think they are both adults and of the age of consent. You can express your concerns to your dad but ultimately it is both of their decisions and you should stay out of it beyond that (unless there are other issues that arise). I wouldn't go too far judging him beyond that - he will be your dad for the rest of your life. If you had a best friend who was 17 and in a relationship with a 48 year old, you might express your opinion but would you interfere beyond that? Probably not - this should probably be the same.
Honestly when you put it like that I think my moral objections are shaped by what I read online. Like I asked this on Reddit too and people told me to go no contact with my dad cause he’s a pedophile (I don’t want to go no contact with him cause I love him). I can’t really state a personal “why” reason for moral objections. I know my dad is a good man and wouldn’t hurt anyone intentionally.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
It would depend somehow on the cultural backgrounds. I don't know their cultural backgrounds, but if in their cultures such age gaps are frowned upon is more than likely that she end up growing out of it. If it's something normal for their cultures they are more likely to last.
If you have that information you could decide if you want to just wait it out, or not. Wait it out would be easy, just live your life until it ends.
If they are likely to last, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept it or not, or of you can pretend you accept it for the love you have for your dad. If the answer is no, then remove yourself from the situation and live your own life.
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Honestly when you put it like that I think my moral objections are shaped by what I read online. Like I asked this on Reddit too and people told me to go no contact with my dad cause he’s a pedophile (I don’t want to go no contact with him cause I love him). I can’t really state a personal “why” reason for moral objections. I know my dad is a good man and wouldn’t hurt anyone intentionally.
Sometimes good people do not-so good things. As to the reason, no idea. You know him better than we do. This sounds like a really uncomfortable situation and I don't know that there is much you can do aside from telling him you don't support the relationship. Whatever happens, it'll be okay. It sucks now but things get better in time. I doubt the relationship will last anyway.
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This is the right answer. If you have a problem with the law, work to change the law. If they are consensual adults.. it's really their business.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law. It's really wild to see how much shame this gets.
I had a very close personal friend describe herself as a "coffin robber". And I promise they were more than attractive enough to get whomever they wanted within reason. Nor reason to marsh their mallow because it's not something you personally would do.
Were you trying to say "harsh their mellow?"
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
You should probably talk to him about your mom's death to make sure this isn't a rebound, because otherwise there's a good chance you might have a sibling before any trauma of his gets worked out.
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Not if it's on someone else's expense.
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I'm 34 and my partner is 54, We've been together for over 10 years, this is the best and strongest relationship both of us have had, not that I have had many, but my partner has and he says he's the happiest he's ever been with me.
17 is young but it isn't too young (imo), she might be mature for her age and they might work really well together.
Not sure what point I'm trying to make, other than this kind of age gap does not always mean doom and gloom and that your dad could have found someone he could really enjoy being with, and you don't want to destroy his happiness do you?
Your relationship started 7 years later, that's a big difference, and your age gap is 20y, theirs is 31 years. And she is younger than his child. Big big differences.
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Were you trying to say "harsh their mellow?"
I rather quite like the marshmallow version.
