Dad dating a minor; what to do?
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Try to see things from his perspective.
He's old and probably won't get a chance like this again. If he didn't take it, he could end up regretting it for the rest of his life.
He's his own man. He wasn't put here to meet your expectations. Since you're 19, he's likely already done his job of raising you.
I used to be sympathetic for the young ladies getting involved with older men, but experience has taught me that most of them are well aware of the implications and choose to go along with it anyways.
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I mean morally is bad but if you try to push then to break up this will turn into a marriage. If it's about the money...well it's his money he coud go and buy a sports car but he got a young girlfriend. Idk where a 48yo meets a 17yo and "just happens" but it is what it is. Let him do what he wants and monitor the situation.
They met on 1 May when both of them were having a barbecue/picnic out in nature in the same area, as it’s the custom on that day.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
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Not if it's on someone else's expense.
What evidence is there that someone's being abused? O agree it would be a general concern for that age gap, but both parties have declared to be acting out of their own accord
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I rather quite like the marshmallow version.
I agree that the wordplay is more fun, but it paints marshmallows in a negative light, which doesn't really track.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
That's....gross...
The age difference is pretty much the difference between me (49) and my S.O's daughter (18); a girl who I very much think of as a step-daughter.
Being legal means you can't really do anything. But morally it absolutely should change the way people see your father, and rightly so. He's a pedo, plain and simple. When the age difference is so large (31 years), the 365 days difference between 16 and 17 doesn't make any difference from a moral perspective.
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I do get the discomfort but what are you "moral" objections? Is it that she too immature to make a decision? Or is it that you think your dad is taking advantage of her?
It's worth working through why this is a moral issue for you, you're a bit vague about it. In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
But in Europe adulthood has generally begun at 16, including being able to leave school and work in many places. The voting age is even being extended down to 16 from 18 in some places. So it's not as clear cut that someone at 16 is not able to make independent decisions as American users sometimes make it seem.
Having said that, I personally don't like the idea but more pragmatically for the age difference and the maturity difference. She can consent but there is a very significant change in maturity from 17 to 25, and I'm not sure how viable a relationship someone who is 48 can have with someone who is 17.
I think they are both adults and of the age of consent. You can express your concerns to your dad but ultimately it is both of their decisions and you should stay out of it beyond that (unless there are other issues that arise). I wouldn't go too far judging him beyond that - he will be your dad for the rest of your life. If you had a best friend who was 17 and in a relationship with a 48 year old, you might express your opinion but would you interfere beyond that? Probably not - this should probably be the same.
In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
Many Americans would be surprised to learn that it varies by state in the USA as well, and the relationship described in the OP wouldn't be a crime in many states.
I don't think 18 would be any less creepy in this scenario. Creepy doesn't always mean immoral, but it's usually exploitative for a 48 year old man to date a teenager, and it's reasonable that OP is concerned about it.
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Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
This but unironically
Bring someone with a similar age diff home (just for show, don’t have to actually do anything) and tell him about his hypocrisy when he gets mad
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
the general acceptable rule is half your age +7 years.
so 24+7 = 31
no I didn't make this "rule", but it is generally accepted in society.
but of course every place is different and has different norms. -
Were you trying to say "harsh their mellow?"
no, I meant marsh their mellow.
it's slang for yucking some one else's yumn.
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I was 17 with my first partner, who was 34. I also had a parent who failed to protect me, instead "supporting" me, and eager for grandchildren. Yeah, 17 is too young. If you approach it like something risky where people could get hurt, that's one thing. But trying to pretend like "everyone's an adult" and that a normal romantic relationship between two equals can develop is super harmful.
We're all putting our own experiences out there, yours might not have been good, but mine was, so I wanted to share it.
We don't really have enough reliable information to say what is right and what is wrong here, if he is indeed grooming/manipulating her then of course that is bad, but I didn't read anything to suggest that either of them are insincere.
I knew exactly what kind of relationship I wanted when I was 17, it took me years to find it, all I'm saying is they could have both found theirs.
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Your relationship started 7 years later, that's a big difference, and your age gap is 20y, theirs is 31 years. And she is younger than his child. Big big differences.
I wish I had found this relationship when I was 17, it would have saved me alot of heartache, though it's all learning so I don't dwell on it.
And the age doesn't matter the slightest to me, 30 years, 20 years, it wouldn't change who I fell for.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Given that she's gold digging or something similar and he probably knows, I'm not sure if that's even immoral. Just a bad idea and going to fall apart in a messy way.
Maybe it seems icky, and in the West proper everyone would agree with you, but in your own culture the other poster was right, your dad has already overlooked your own taboo preferences.
Edit: Hopefully that helps. I'm not trying to shame you here, it's a complicated situation.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Really there's not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There's a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it's a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don't get me wrong, I think that's a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn't always as black and white as we would like it to be.
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Really there's not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There's a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it's a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don't get me wrong, I think that's a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn't always as black and white as we would like it to be.
wrote last edited by [email protected]I'll come right out and say the West isn't necessarily ahead on what a good relationship is. Outside of maybe traditional rural areas our extended families are fucked. Some of the people we idolise are openly toxic. The few ideas there are about what makes a good partner are far too abstract, and emphasise short-term attributes over lasting compatibility despite that being a stated goal.
Lasting compatibility is the main problem I see here, too, although I'm hardly old enough to confidently comment. A 17 year old's life and worldview are going to change in a million ways over the next decade. Even relationships with other 17 year olds tend not to last, but then there's a mutuality to the growing up and going separate ways.
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He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Locking this post because you've got a ton of advice and some people are dangerously close to excusing pedophillia.
It is absolutely weird for someone in their 40s to date someone who is not even 18 yet, but he's a grown man and you don't control his choices. If I were you I would get out of there as soon as possible and go low contact but that's just my opinion.
