I had a neighbour who embalmed his own wife.
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Covid probably saved my life.
I got bullied for about 5-6 years in school which ultimatively led to me just wanting to kill myself. Luckily for me the lockdown came so I got freed from the nightmare called school. My will to live devinetively improved, when not getting bullied the whole time you are sitting in class. However, when being in the lockdown I devinetively didnt process my feelings and thoughts about how I wanted to end myself. This led to me having almost a fill scale emotional breakdown mid class when school started, since we have been reading a play where someone killed himself and therefore learned stuff about the whole topic of suicide/mental health. Suddenly you realise, that all this shit kind of sounds very familiar for you which was quite overwhelming, but you can't let anyone see whats happening because that shit devinetively is going to get you bullied again. I never talked to a therapist about this and at this point it isn't needed, since I just went on and processed that time of my life for myself. I also kind of realised some time ago, that I also never told my family about this, but it isn't really relevant anymore and us just going to cause feelings of guilt in them for not acting.
I'm glad you're better now, but like the other commenter said: This trauma can come back in unexpected ways and it'd be a good idea to prepare yourself for when that happens.
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Covid probably saved my life.
I got bullied for about 5-6 years in school which ultimatively led to me just wanting to kill myself. Luckily for me the lockdown came so I got freed from the nightmare called school. My will to live devinetively improved, when not getting bullied the whole time you are sitting in class. However, when being in the lockdown I devinetively didnt process my feelings and thoughts about how I wanted to end myself. This led to me having almost a fill scale emotional breakdown mid class when school started, since we have been reading a play where someone killed himself and therefore learned stuff about the whole topic of suicide/mental health. Suddenly you realise, that all this shit kind of sounds very familiar for you which was quite overwhelming, but you can't let anyone see whats happening because that shit devinetively is going to get you bullied again. I never talked to a therapist about this and at this point it isn't needed, since I just went on and processed that time of my life for myself. I also kind of realised some time ago, that I also never told my family about this, but it isn't really relevant anymore and us just going to cause feelings of guilt in them for not acting.
I also have mental health problems, not as bad as what you describe here, though.
I used to find myself stuck at home spending my time staring at the wall because I just can't leave the house. Having lockdowns during covid made me feel normal for a change. I was just like everyone else, stuck at home.
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I can see true magenta. And it ain't pink.
This made me learn about tetrachromamcy and now I feel like Tetrachromamcer should be a class in D&D.
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I intentionally make up horrors and monsters to lurk in the shadows or under my bed. Sometimes when I can't fall asleep, I stare at a corner of the room, imagining some unsettling creature that could be lurking there, staring back at me (if it has eyes at all). I imagine something reaching up to grab the leg I'm stick out over the edge.
But they can't actually get me. They're created, sustained and dispelled by my will. They may stare at me, reach for me, but they're powerless. When I'm done with them, I send them back to the half-existence in the collection of ideas I built them from.
It's a cruel power fantasy, to make up monsters incapable of understanding that they're the lesser horror between us, but it's fun.
It also seems to help me sleep, but that might just be the fact that focusing my brain on one thing quiets all the background noise.
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Zero car accidents, flawless driving record. There are lots of things you can't do, doesn't mean they can't be done.
Hopefully you don't kill anybody else when it finally happens
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You know, that is one of the most creative safety solutions I have heard. Glad you came up with it (probably due to still wanting to fight). The fight never stops, hope you are still doing well.
I have my moments, just like everyone else, but I have more good ones than bad ones. I do have a genuine love for knives though now, and still don't have a favorite.
I keep seeing videos of a guy who buys TSA confiscated knives by weight & laughs at them for sucking, and I laugh harder because my angsty teenage self collected a lot of them back in the day.
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I'm glad you're better now, but like the other commenter said: This trauma can come back in unexpected ways and it'd be a good idea to prepare yourself for when that happens.
Just to make this clear. I have completely dealt with all the shit I went through during that time and I have completely processed everything. I have accepted it as a part of my history and I Am completely fine with it. Theres nothing left to talk about in order to learn something about myself that I dont already know. I seriously dont see a single point where this is ever going to cause any problems in my future life.
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I can see true magenta. And it ain't pink.
Cliffhanger
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I realized I was trans in middle school, i said something suicidal to my friend and he told on me. I never really talked to the therapists because my mom was very homophobic. I got put on antidepressants and suppressed my feelings so hard I can hardly remember my childhood.
5 years later my depression went into "full remission" couple of months before I came out. I then 180°d and got sent to the psych ward for suicide ideation this February.The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the realization that my cat would be rubbing against my body for pets in the ~10 hours it would take for my family to find me. I was planning to buy a knife after work but broke down in the bathroom.
I'm glad you're still here.
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My ideal partner would have exactly identical personality to me.
In highschool I would regularly imagine a "perfect crush" during bus rides. In my last year I had that "damn I was an edgy asshole during middle and highschool" moment and I wanted to change.
So since my friend group is also jerks like me I just started imitating that imaginary person until "fake it til you make it" kicked in.
Everything from my sense of humour to taste in music changed over time. I even became a slightly bit more feminine when I used to be hardcore Matt Walsh fan until this point.
I also got hobbies I just thought looked attractive like Archery. I got into computers because this.
I read somewhere ages ago that you should become the person you want to be with the most, which I think is great advice. And less about searching for someone else who is that. Sounds like this is what you did.
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He got in a fight. Probably a piece of tooth got lodged in his hand for a couple days.
Ackshually.... Tooth isn't bone
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My knife collection began because I was suicidal.
To keep myself around I got a bunch of knives so I wouldn't pick a favorite and "dissapoint" the others.
...I got better.
I love this so much, is it that you have a lot of empathy?
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I can honestly say I don't feel the emotion of guilt. I'm not a psychopath. I have a conscience and have a very strong moral compass.
But I don't feel guilty. Just fear of getting caught... In fact what I feel most is fear. The only person who I feel happy with is my girlfriend and if she ever breaks up with me it'll probably break me as a man.
Why do you think it is? Is it a lack of empathy? I feel guilty if I hurt someone because of how hurt they are, which is empathy.
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Many aspects of my life are consistent
What specifically has changed for you? (my question was for the person above you, btw, I do not mean to abandon that thread)
given selokichtli already responded i'll chip in as well.
it's honestly quite hard to give an exact answer, but life has definitely not felt the same ever since the lockdowns hit.late 2019 to like 2023 and even early 2024 flew by very fast for me. i can't even really remember much from that period and i'm not sure whether it's a direct consequence of the above, or maybe it's from COVID brain fog (i'm not even sure if i had COVID in the first place)
in any case things have felt off since the lockdowns. not to mention how much the internet has changed ever since LLMs got rolled out.
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I intentionally make up horrors and monsters to lurk in the shadows or under my bed. Sometimes when I can't fall asleep, I stare at a corner of the room, imagining some unsettling creature that could be lurking there, staring back at me (if it has eyes at all). I imagine something reaching up to grab the leg I'm stick out over the edge.
But they can't actually get me. They're created, sustained and dispelled by my will. They may stare at me, reach for me, but they're powerless. When I'm done with them, I send them back to the half-existence in the collection of ideas I built them from.
It's a cruel power fantasy, to make up monsters incapable of understanding that they're the lesser horror between us, but it's fun.
It also seems to help me sleep, but that might just be the fact that focusing my brain on one thing quiets all the background noise.
Similarly, the lines painted at the bottom of the pool became sharks when I jumped off the diving board as a child.
I never once really thought that sharks had somehow been smuggled into a shit little public pool, but that hammer head was real as hell until I'd crawled my way to the exit ladder.
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Good on you, it's the owners fault. I really hate most dog owners, they just let their dogs off the leash and let them come up to you, not giving a shit whether the person is afraid of dogs or not or basically taking the risk for someone else.
Since having a daughter every time I'm out and there's dogs I hate having to imagine how I'd save her from an attack and how I'd either have to try killing it or escaping.
They have the audacity to say "don't worry they won't harm her" when I pick my daughter up to stop them getting near. "No fuck you and leash your dog"
What makes you think he's talking about a dog?
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I love this so much, is it that you have a lot of empathy?
Yep -- It's a gift & a curse.
I find it super easy to put myself in other people's shoes and see what they're going through, but I have a hard time expressing my own feelings. It's turned me into a bit of a loner, but I do have a small circle of people I know & trust that I can be myself with.
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But I don't feel guilty. Just fear of getting caught...
That sounds an awful lot like you're cheating on her.
You probably feel that way because you yourself are currently cheating.
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I don't know if it's scary, but in the absolute core of my existence i just need my life to stop sooner rather than later.
I've always been a bit suicidal leaning but when i was stopped i never had the courage to try again.
Every single day my mind tells me "would've been better if you did, it's all a big shitshow anyway" it never misses a day. I keep telling myself to not listen to it but i do agree.
I had a certain circumstance a couple yeara ago where i was close to dieing and it brought me peace...i felt calm and became accepting of what was to come (despite the intense pain). Wife calles an ambulance which they refused to send as we were too calm for it to be believable, so we took a taxi and that's when they got to see the pain i was in and realized time was running out quick.
Bla bla bla etc etc, i got sent home a while later and the same pain returned...excruciating bone wrenching all encompassing pain and all my mind had to add was: "if this is real, just go to sleep and you won't have to wake up again".
And i did, despite this absolute tormenting pain i fell asleep so peacefully and convinced of it all ending...it was such a relief.
But i woke up after...shit.
That's the darkest corner of my existence.
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What makes you think he's talking about a dog?
The "Why?" is a spoiler, i didn't realize it at first too, just was bold text in voyager.
And you are right, ir also could have been a decrepit german with the name shepard lol
