At what (child's) age should parents let go?
-
Not to the degree in OP's post. If your kids are 30 and you're dictating what they should do without any input from them, that's a problem.
Whem your kids are adults, you don't get to make decisions for them anymore. You can give guidance and advice, but you don't get to decide what they do
There's a huge difference between loving your kid and giving them unsolicited advice, which is what it sounds like was happening in OP's post.
I love my kids, and always will. And I'll help them however I can. But I'm already checking myself if they push back against any advice I'm giving - if they don't want to hear it, they won't hear it; whether I speak it or not!
-
Asking because I just sat through a family feud within earshot at a local coffee joint. Parents giving advice to son, who looked 30ish, all quite civil, full of the 'can I speak for a minute', 'your minute is up' and so on, with some 'when we were your age' and 'you must/ will learn' etc. Mum ended with 'i don't have to justify anything to you'.
My dad stopped once I got out of high school, but mum seems to chime in from time to time. I'm well into my middle age.
When should parents stop parenting and just let the kid fail/ thrive on their own? I just feel sometimes the parents are the problem, regardless of good intentions.
Dude americans have a weird thing about "leting children go" right after high school. I was 17yo when I finished high school, I was still a minor. Also why?! Care to love the kids YOU wanted to have wtf?! When I divorced my ex my parents asked me to come home and they wouldn't let me go, even after a while, just becaus "it's so good to have you home". Lov mom
-
I think that is a side effect of living at home with your parents for longer, something that is becoming more and more common with the unsustainable cost of living.
In my experience, it doesn't have anything to do with kids living at home longer.
It's more related to the issues of the parents. Control issues, lack of purpose, lack of independence on the part of the parents.
Some parents just fail to prepare their kids for life. All of my kids had roommates in college who didn't know how to do laundry, or cook food, or clean up after themselves.
Other parents go out of their way to keep their children dependent on them. I think that is usually because the parents don't know what to do with their lives if their kids move on.
-
Spot on. Great post.
Unfortunately many disagree as they are advocating for and celebrating children as young as 4-5 having autonomy and being able to make life long permanent decisions, with teachers etc being told to withhold info from parents and affirm whatever they want. Governments the world over are trying to take parental rights and control away because it’s much easier to control and mould kids when they’re young. Make them government dependant as early as possible and you have nice easily controlled voters for life.
Uh... Ok.
-
Dude americans have a weird thing about "leting children go" right after high school. I was 17yo when I finished high school, I was still a minor. Also why?! Care to love the kids YOU wanted to have wtf?! When I divorced my ex my parents asked me to come home and they wouldn't let me go, even after a while, just becaus "it's so good to have you home". Lov mom
True. I'm asian and have some of the family thing, but i studied in the us, so used to be very impressed how they can up and go to cities across the country for college and work. They express family love differently, though, and are allowed to have contrary opinions to the family which is often frowned upon in Asia. Oh, and family hierarchy is also handled differently. I always got the sense that the kids would happily throw down with the dad if it came to it, whereas in Asia its more a reluctant compliance.
-
You should have instilled enough simple lessons in your child that in preteen to teen years they can operate on their own with guidance. You are a parent and you will always be their parents but you change from a teacher to live in guidance counselor to an older friend who is looking out for you when you are an adult.
I find parents have trouble switching between authoritarian teacher owner to friendly helpful roommates.
Hahaha. I have both. My dad died my close friend, while mum is still my mum.
-
Never.
You're supposed to love and protect your kids as long as possible.
I think at some point you need to stop barricading them from the dangers and learn to just let them fall, while helping them get up again. It teaches them the value of the rules you've been trying to impart, while still being a protector.
-
I‘m 30 and my parents give me unwanted advice all the time.
I’m very rebellious about it since it never went away.
And a lot of times when I listened to them it turned out to be bad.They’re also constantly judging my financial decisions, despite them only having money saved due to recent inheritance.
Right? I feel the parents who don't let go just create resentment and active rebellion against their unsolicited advice.
-
In my experience, it doesn't have anything to do with kids living at home longer.
It's more related to the issues of the parents. Control issues, lack of purpose, lack of independence on the part of the parents.
Some parents just fail to prepare their kids for life. All of my kids had roommates in college who didn't know how to do laundry, or cook food, or clean up after themselves.
Other parents go out of their way to keep their children dependent on them. I think that is usually because the parents don't know what to do with their lives if their kids move on.
wrote last edited by [email protected]To be fair, some parents see their kids as an excuse to be irresponsible themselves, e.g so they don't have to plan for retirement. I come from a religiously conservative country, and it's common to have families with incomes of below $8k/ year having 5 or more kids. The result is a whole bunch of voting adults with no functional education. Youth delinquency is a thing here.
-
My parents will give advice if I ask for it. It's been that way since I was about 14 or 15. If they tried to treat me like you are describing, especially in public, I would shut it down.
The only time I can imagine them giving unsolicited advice would be if I were in a romantic relationship they thought was bad. I don't agree with a lot of their perspectives on relationships, but I would at least hear them out. They would have the good sense to do it in private though and would be able to explain their thoughts, no "I don't have to justify myself to you" nonsense.
I would say they were a little too uninvolved at times, but I would take that over the scenario you are describing with them over involved at 30+.
Yes, it takes maturity to understand the difference between hearing it out and obedience to the advice given. We mirror our life experiences to our kids, so I guess one thing I'm cognizant of is whether I'm repeating what I felt was not right to the next generation.
