How do you balance enjoying what you do with having friends?
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::One thing every other comment has failed to mention is that, to be comfortable around other people, you must first be comfortable with yourself fully. And, because of that, I recommend you keep doing activities by yourself, and try new things by yourself, at least at first. Discover who you actually want to be, while still respecting everyone's freedom, including your own.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::I started doing things that I want, and if others join me, thats awesome, if noone comes along I'll just go alone. I've met a lot of new people this way and it has worked wonders on my social skills.
It allows me to get a lot of new experiences without the hassle of having some miserable being tagging along. And it gives me interesting stories to tell when I meet up with my long time friends. Some of them even want to join some of my adventures.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::It would be helpful to have an example (or more) of what you suggested and what ended up happening.
Other people have good advice, but I'm wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche, or if your friends have strange interests, or if you find it difficult to enjoy normal activities.
There are lots of activities that people do that I'm not that interested in, but I'll go along anyway and still have a good time - it wouldn't be my first choice, and I'd be annoyed if my plans always got taken over in favour of them, but I wouldn't be "visibly miserable" doing something like this: for example, one time we ended up going out for "electric shuffle" (just shuffleboard which is electronically scored) which is pretty expensive for what it is, but whatever. The main attraction is being with friends and interacting, anyway.
I remember one time I planned a cycling trip and everyone I invited ended up doing something else (I can't remember what, but I remember distinctly it being something they could have done on any weekend). I was a bit miserable at that but still had a good time on my own.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::I've learned that it's important to spent time on my interests, and it's important to spend time on my friends, but trying to do both at once sometimes cheapens both.
I'd suggest scheduling just chill hangouts with friends, and keep doing the wild things they can't afford by yourself.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::No, it isn't wrong to want to choose your friends based on your hobbies. It's healthy. Sure, you will need some flexibility. It can't all be your way all the time. But generally you want friends who enjoy the same activities and "things" you do. You want enough similarities to have stuff to do and talk about, but enough differences that you aren't just repeating the same things to each other.
And as with most relationships, a small handful of great ones can sustain us for longer and more deeply than a deluge of shallow and circumstantial ones.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Make friends with people who also love what you love?
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::I don't have friends.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Is inviting strangers an option, someone who is more into your (version of the) activity?
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Instead of making plans with friends, plan your activity and invite friends. If you're the defining factor, and plan your activity as it is, others may join or not.
The fewer people you involve, the more stable the plan will be as well.
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I don't have friends.
Hello, friend.
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Thank you for the AI Disclaimer and owning up to the words it spit out, at least you're being honest about it, and that's respectable.
My personal opinion is don't expect anything.
You can try to plan everything out, but almost never will things go perfectly according to plans. And the more effort you put into planning, the less likely things actually go according to plan.
If you're just trying to enjoy time with friends, then plans might as well be just suggestions, but sometimes you just gotta roll with whatever happens, and get a good laugh when Jeremy pukes behind the car LOL!
Sometimes you just gotta live in the moment...
when Jeremy pukes behind the car LOL!
I wish I had more of this in my life. But yeah that was the first change I made, a few years ago I enumerated the set of every possible thing I can expect from friends and explained 1 reason why each specific reason is not correct as an emotional excersise.
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You could try "I'm going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I'll be there at this time. Let me know if you're coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much." And then make your plans and do them anyway.
This way it's clear that you are doing the thing. If people say "can we do this or this instead?" you reply with "Hey, great idea! Maybe next time. I've already planned the other thing for this time."
Sometimes it will be on your own. Sometimes others will want to join you. Sometimes you can join others on their quests, too, but remember to not try and change their plans to suit yourself.
You could try “I’m going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I’ll be there at this time. Let me know if you’re coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much.” And then make your plans and do them anyway.
I thought alot about doing this but I cannot wrap my head around how to actually do that? Like ok I'm gonna try to express some of my mental blocks I have right now:
- I feel rude, I feel like I'm bragging to my friends that I'm doing stuff I know they just won't do
- If I did this then I'd have to plan for the real possibility of doing an activity alone, that's gonna bias me towards doing things that might be less social than if I was picking things to do at random
- If I do this than how do I know if I'm being too inflexible when my friends want to make changes? In the past year I tried litterally letting go of everything and just going with the flow for a year straight and I made friends who deep down I don't think I like, while doing things that were objectivily painful (that is a seperate thing I'm working on I need to excersise more lol). There has to be some sort of goal/point/reason to hanging out with friends and if that is nothing more or less than "I feel good when I'm with my friends" then what do I do when I don't feel good? Do I change what it takes for me to feel good or do I change my friends?
Wow tying that last bullet point really coalesed what I wanted to ask in this post, thank you
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What are these “friends” of which you speak?
"Friends" are characterised as individual's not related by any other recognizable class of relation who convert your time and attention into enrichment and fulfillment while also providing you with an optional datum point for regulating yourself (am I too far behind the people who I like for making good choices, do I have habits or addicitons that I don't know are toxic and I need to see if other people are like this too so I can tell if I'm normal, do I like my definition of normal if not then should I find different friends who might be an environment where I can be a different normal?)
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I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say "I cant do X day can you move it?" and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.
if I just want to hangout and dont care about the activity I just ask if they want to meet up and do something making it clear the activity is open for anything. We then throw around ideas and whichever has the most interest we do.
I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say “I cant do X day can you move it?” and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.
So like what do you do in that case? Like I'm in my "I'm discovering myself phase" so I'm trying to learn what stuff I like to do and I need ideas, like I'd really appreciate if you could list off some specific examples, but not like generally specifc like whatever is specific to you please?
Summary of my list:
Good:
- Luxury spas
- Visiting other cities and touring apartments (Denver > NYC)
- Guided tours
- Hiking (I don't have a car so I just walk around my town for 1-3hrs)
Bad:
- Bar standing
- Loud bar-ing
- Community centers
- Board games
- Movies
- Shopping
- Museum standing
- Deleting money at Casino's
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I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say “I cant do X day can you move it?” and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.
So like what do you do in that case? Like I'm in my "I'm discovering myself phase" so I'm trying to learn what stuff I like to do and I need ideas, like I'd really appreciate if you could list off some specific examples, but not like generally specifc like whatever is specific to you please?
Summary of my list:
Good:
- Luxury spas
- Visiting other cities and touring apartments (Denver > NYC)
- Guided tours
- Hiking (I don't have a car so I just walk around my town for 1-3hrs)
Bad:
- Bar standing
- Loud bar-ing
- Community centers
- Board games
- Movies
- Shopping
- Museum standing
- Deleting money at Casino's
My friends and I dont really share any hobbies or cross over interests. All the things im deeply interested in I have to do by myself or share with anonymous people on the internet.
Drinks at home/Movies/Online or Inperson gaming/camping/road trip/swimming/going out for food/airsoft/painball
There isnt much to do in my city. Nice nature is all we got.
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when Jeremy pukes behind the car LOL!
I wish I had more of this in my life. But yeah that was the first change I made, a few years ago I enumerated the set of every possible thing I can expect from friends and explained 1 reason why each specific reason is not correct as an emotional excersise.
Nah, don't take me too seriously, you don't want Jeremy to puke at all, but I'd rather him puke behind the car than inside the car...
I just mean to appreciate the randomness of life in general. If you somehow or another came and knocked on my door, I'd probably show you some interesting stuff I found online, and challenge you to try my modded Rubik's Cube.
Of course that wouldn't have been any of your evening plans, I really don't know what your plans might have actually been, but I'd still be a decent host and try to be welcoming to your company.
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when Jeremy pukes behind the car LOL!
I wish I had more of this in my life. But yeah that was the first change I made, a few years ago I enumerated the set of every possible thing I can expect from friends and explained 1 reason why each specific reason is not correct as an emotional excersise.
While I'm here, I might as well share something interesting I found online..
Welcome To The Internet
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it gets reshaped into something I don’t want
It is bizarre that this happens so regularly to you. Could you go into detail, like at least 3 examples of this? What's going on?
HUGE CONFOUNDING VARIABLE
I am diagnosed with OCD,
That being said I still assert that the changes made are sevear enough that anyone would agree that two plans are not similar:
I summarized a list of ideas for things to do in this comment but this list is a subset of a much larger more specific list (I don't want to share) so let's keep using it.
There was a time where I had no idea if I did or did not like any of these activities and wanted to find out if I did and it did not make sense to me to do these activities alone when I can ask friends to come with me because any friend can text me "why didn't you invite me I would have liked to come":
- Luxury spas => hang out in a cold basement with candles and facemasks and phone playing
- Guided tours => their average opinion of the concept was negative, I didn't have the energy to go do that by myself so I just didn't
- Bar standing => we got older I thought we should try more mature things, they disagreed
- Board games => this was the only plan that stuck, problem is I'm a goal oriented person by nature, even video games don't intrest me as much as writing code does. I used to be a senior redstone developer in minecraft
- Movies => I don't really have much free time to discover movies I like enough that I my friends would like too, I mean I'll find movies that I like but there's no guarentee that it would be something they like. So when they want to watch a movie (usually at home) they'd default pick the most popular one and when I offer an alternative I get shot down. I watched the MCU series and I don't like it. I don't hate it but I wished I had watched other movies
- Shopping => my friends are either broke or paying nyc rent. I guess the world sucks too much anyways and shopping as a friends thing is gone anyways
- Museum standing => my whole body hurts if I stand for >40 mins... I timed it... after 15mins I start walking funny... after 30mins I struggle to hold my head up..... if I get dehydrated I loose the ability to banter or be funny. I slowly decay into an unpleasent person and there's nothing I can do about it
In summary:
me: "Hey let's do anything"
most of the friends I had: "Come to my apartment"
I know I'm not blowing this out of proportions. I'm alittle more sensitive then the average person and I can compensate for that but what do I do if my limits perclude me from doing things with friends.
inb4 "it sounds like your friends are lame" what are normal people such that they are not like the friends I've had??
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I find friends who enjoy the things I like to do??
How tho... like if you leave a comment like this then it's obvious to you therefore you know then what is it that you know that you can do to "find friends who enjoy the things I like to do"?
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Everything sounds normal, although maybe a little sad, about all of that. In fact, it sounds like a great plan! Again, sad to do alone, but not necessarily. And you may even find those new friends doing exactly the things you like to do. Good luck to you, and enjoy your time.
the last few year's haven't been easy... things have gotten good enough that I want to make them better
