How do you balance enjoying what you do with having friends?
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Apologies in advance if you are disabled, but if you can't stand for 40 minutes+ then I think the first thing to work on is your endurance. Even if it doesn't lead to more hang time with your friends, it will be rewarding for you and probably mitigate the chance of early death.
the first thing to work on is your endurance.
Incorrect: the very first thing to investigate is the shoes that @[email protected] wears. Correct footwear is a game-changer in one's ability to stay on one's feet for hours. 40 min doesn't sound like just a standing issue, but rather that his insoles may not be contouring where his feet actually apply pressure. Some stores make custom insoles just for this purpose. There are also numerous shoe brands out there that look good but feel bad to wear. I would ask what brand of shoes he's wearing.
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HUGE CONFOUNDING VARIABLE
I am diagnosed with OCD,
That being said I still assert that the changes made are sevear enough that anyone would agree that two plans are not similar:
I summarized a list of ideas for things to do in this comment but this list is a subset of a much larger more specific list (I don't want to share) so let's keep using it.
There was a time where I had no idea if I did or did not like any of these activities and wanted to find out if I did and it did not make sense to me to do these activities alone when I can ask friends to come with me because any friend can text me "why didn't you invite me I would have liked to come":
- Luxury spas => hang out in a cold basement with candles and facemasks and phone playing
- Guided tours => their average opinion of the concept was negative, I didn't have the energy to go do that by myself so I just didn't
- Bar standing => we got older I thought we should try more mature things, they disagreed
- Board games => this was the only plan that stuck, problem is I'm a goal oriented person by nature, even video games don't intrest me as much as writing code does. I used to be a senior redstone developer in minecraft
- Movies => I don't really have much free time to discover movies I like enough that I my friends would like too, I mean I'll find movies that I like but there's no guarentee that it would be something they like. So when they want to watch a movie (usually at home) they'd default pick the most popular one and when I offer an alternative I get shot down. I watched the MCU series and I don't like it. I don't hate it but I wished I had watched other movies
- Shopping => my friends are either broke or paying nyc rent. I guess the world sucks too much anyways and shopping as a friends thing is gone anyways
- Museum standing => my whole body hurts if I stand for >40 mins... I timed it... after 15mins I start walking funny... after 30mins I struggle to hold my head up..... if I get dehydrated I loose the ability to banter or be funny. I slowly decay into an unpleasent person and there's nothing I can do about it
In summary:
me: "Hey let's do anything"
most of the friends I had: "Come to my apartment"
I know I'm not blowing this out of proportions. I'm alittle more sensitive then the average person and I can compensate for that but what do I do if my limits perclude me from doing things with friends.
inb4 "it sounds like your friends are lame" what are normal people such that they are not like the friends I've had??
wrote last edited by [email protected]what are normal people such that they are not like the friends I've had??
It does not matter if you have OCD or not; these people seem to consistently not care about your suggestions. If I tell my friends, "I really wanna play Space Base," then we make it happen.
These people sound like the type who would not check up on you if you just suddenly stopped responding, and those are not friends. I would try to make new friends elsewhere... Sorry!
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::If you really like sex they can both be the same thing.
Not even joking. My time spent pursuing polyamory was one of the most fulfilling and socially active times in my life.
But it required a Herculean amount of effort and there were times I though my dick my fall off.
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the first thing to work on is your endurance.
Incorrect: the very first thing to investigate is the shoes that @[email protected] wears. Correct footwear is a game-changer in one's ability to stay on one's feet for hours. 40 min doesn't sound like just a standing issue, but rather that his insoles may not be contouring where his feet actually apply pressure. Some stores make custom insoles just for this purpose. There are also numerous shoe brands out there that look good but feel bad to wear. I would ask what brand of shoes he's wearing.
wrote last edited by [email protected]
I bought these 3 weeks ago bc my chiropractor recommended, the Atrex insoles are also really nice. I've been walking better and maybe I can stand for >1 hr now ¯\(ツ)/¯
Edit: meant to write "chiropractor" instead of therapist
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Yeah this is why I hate making plans, no one else puts in any effort into finding things to do or they don't want to pay for anything and then every outing becomes sitting in a bar shooting shit or going to a movie that either I don't care for or the others don't, I usually just do things by myself these days and I enjoy it a lot more, maybe someday I'll find friends with common interest I actually want to hang out with, for now I've become very comfortable being by myself
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You could try “I’m going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I’ll be there at this time. Let me know if you’re coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much.” And then make your plans and do them anyway.
I thought alot about doing this but I cannot wrap my head around how to actually do that? Like ok I'm gonna try to express some of my mental blocks I have right now:
- I feel rude, I feel like I'm bragging to my friends that I'm doing stuff I know they just won't do
- If I did this then I'd have to plan for the real possibility of doing an activity alone, that's gonna bias me towards doing things that might be less social than if I was picking things to do at random
- If I do this than how do I know if I'm being too inflexible when my friends want to make changes? In the past year I tried litterally letting go of everything and just going with the flow for a year straight and I made friends who deep down I don't think I like, while doing things that were objectivily painful (that is a seperate thing I'm working on I need to excersise more lol). There has to be some sort of goal/point/reason to hanging out with friends and if that is nothing more or less than "I feel good when I'm with my friends" then what do I do when I don't feel good? Do I change what it takes for me to feel good or do I change my friends?
Wow tying that last bullet point really coalesed what I wanted to ask in this post, thank you
It isn't rude to tell people that you're doing an activity and that you're open to having company.
As for being inflexible, you're doing an activity and inviting people, not finding something to do with people. If they want to do something else, plan to do that a different day, because you've already made plans.
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I bought these 3 weeks ago bc my chiropractor recommended, the Atrex insoles are also really nice. I've been walking better and maybe I can stand for >1 hr now ¯\(ツ)/¯
Edit: meant to write "chiropractor" instead of therapist
wrote last edited by [email protected]Interesting, thanks, so New Balance 9060 + Aetrex insoles; I may follow suit myself! By the way, you dropped this:
\(to properly type out that emoticon in markdown, you must use\\\instead of\, since one alone will act as an "escape character" instead of a literal character to be printed). -
Listed some of it in this comment: https://programming.dev/post/37296315/19332878
but I’m wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche
There was variaty. I strived to recommend varying levels of specificity in the plans, anywhere from requiring tickets to just going to the park bc I'm sick of being inside.
It does sound like a good variety and not overly niche. I host a film night and we rotate who picks the film with the idea of bringing a mixture of ideas. It works a lot better than all trying to agree on something IMO.
I think your difficulty standing could be something to work on. Standing isn't comfortable for anyone, but I think most people can stand comfortably for longer than you describe, so perhaps you can build up your strength, or perhaps you have a mild disability and would benefit from something to lean on. That might open up some of the opportunities you talk about.
I see a connection between several of the things you said that your friends don't want to do expensive stuff. That is a common source of difficulty in friend groups, but there are lots of ideas for cheap or free days out - I'd start with walking. It's also something that, for me at least, is something I'm very happy to do by myself and be alone with my thoughts, so I can always say, "I'm going for a walk around X on Y, anyone want to come with? I can pick you up at Z" or whatever.
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Thanks, this story inspired me to pay more attention to that for today’s plans.
Originally I agreed to overly complex logistics for a family activity because I know my ex doesn’t like to drive. But she agreed to simpler logistics that would save an hour on the schedule and save everyone else a lot of driving at the expense of her driving. This will be so much more enjoyable spending a little more time with my kid and not be in a rush to get everything done.
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You could try “I’m going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I’ll be there at this time. Let me know if you’re coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much.” And then make your plans and do them anyway.
I thought alot about doing this but I cannot wrap my head around how to actually do that? Like ok I'm gonna try to express some of my mental blocks I have right now:
- I feel rude, I feel like I'm bragging to my friends that I'm doing stuff I know they just won't do
- If I did this then I'd have to plan for the real possibility of doing an activity alone, that's gonna bias me towards doing things that might be less social than if I was picking things to do at random
- If I do this than how do I know if I'm being too inflexible when my friends want to make changes? In the past year I tried litterally letting go of everything and just going with the flow for a year straight and I made friends who deep down I don't think I like, while doing things that were objectivily painful (that is a seperate thing I'm working on I need to excersise more lol). There has to be some sort of goal/point/reason to hanging out with friends and if that is nothing more or less than "I feel good when I'm with my friends" then what do I do when I don't feel good? Do I change what it takes for me to feel good or do I change my friends?
Wow tying that last bullet point really coalesed what I wanted to ask in this post, thank you
I always appreciated being in the receiving end of such plans. It takes a lot of the thought out and I just need to figure out how to make the schedule. Fwiw it also makes the yes/no decision easier.
An additional reason I don’t like making plans like that is I like to think I do things on impulse. In reality I have to admit I often don’t do anything so the gift of someone making plans is appreciated even if I grumble a bit.
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While I'm here, I might as well share something interesting I found online..
Welcome To The Internet
Good one, thanks for the link
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My friends and I dont really share any hobbies or cross over interests. All the things im deeply interested in I have to do by myself or share with anonymous people on the internet.
Drinks at home/Movies/Online or Inperson gaming/camping/road trip/swimming/going out for food/airsoft/painball
There isnt much to do in my city. Nice nature is all we got.
wrote last edited by [email protected]There isnt much to do in my city.
My youngest kid just started college. I wanted to spend time with him before he left but it’s tough finding common activities between a teen and parent.
Our solution was walking around town: started as walking the dog until she couldn’t keep up, played a little Pokemon Go as an activity while walking but grew tired of it. Honestly, having nothing to do around town was a plus. It turned into basically talking for a couple hours! If we were thirsty, grab something at the nearest convenience store. We started a routine of takeout from our favorite kebab place to eat on the town common, but it was all just low key activity while talking! Just about every weekend this summer we’d take a couple hour walk around town, and just talk!
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
::: spoiler ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
:::Have you tried this:
-> You suggest [specific activity]
-> They suggest alteration
-> You say, "I actually really want to do [specific activity] this time, but we can do [their suggestion] next time!"
-> (1) They agree. Else (2) They insist on changing it
-> You ask why they don't want to do your suggestion
-> They hopefully have an explanation you can understand so you either feel better about changing the activity, or you go to the activity alone and do their suggestion with them another time (both are just as good!)
There's nothing rude about planning something and inviting people to the activity. If they don't want to join they can say no and you're still allowed to follow through with your plan.
Suggestions for activities to do on your own where your current friends can join if they want but you can also do alone and meet new people at the activity:
cooking class,
dancing class,
amateur theater/improv,
book club (I'm sure there are open book clubs to join at your local library, or you can ask the librarians to put up a flyer and start one... I do 1-on-1 book clubs with different friends at different times when we figure out a book we want to read. We just set a chapter goal and call once or twice a week to check in on each others progress and yap about our thoughts on the book so far. Not every activity needs to include the whole friend group every time - they're all unique persons with different interests and time availability),
join an orientation club,
volunteer somewhere (I like animal shelters, but might be more interaction with other volunteers at something aimed at humans or political/societal),
visit an orchard and pick seasonal fruit/veggies (may not be super social with strangers)
join a hiking tour, especially likely to be social if it's over several days,
go to concerts and festivals,
go to a meetup/show for motorcycles or old cars or something (initiate socialising by asking questions about, and giving people compliments on, what they brought to show off (car, MC, vinyl collection) )
