China Lays Off 50,000 Intelligence Officers, Redirects “Much of the Money” to Republican Donations
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wrote last edited by [email protected]
(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
This is one of the best Onions I've ever seen.
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This is one of the best Onions I've ever seen.
I’d like to thank the current administration for so many choice writing prompts.
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I’d like to thank the current administration for so many choice writing prompts.
And the Democrats for that matter - the Schumer bit was spot-on.
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
I read far too long thinking this was real.
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
Accurate depiction of Chuck Schumer
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I read far too long thinking this was real.
Over nearly a decade, this is the first onion article I fell for completely.
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
This has a Dril quality to it that makes me chuckle
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
most of them are just conducting industrial espionage in usa universities.
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Over nearly a decade, this is the first onion article I fell for completely.
I salute you for accepting the world is pretty messed up. Also I kept Leo Sturbgetter out of it.
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(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.
“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”
It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.
“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”
Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”
Replace China with Russia and this would be news, not satire
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This is one of the best Onions I've ever seen.
I didn't realize it was the onion until I got to the quote from the spy. Extremely well written onion.
