[deleted]
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I mean, you asked
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
and I pointed out an example of a man who did that and yet is regularly defended, so it appears a lot of people have no problem with that at all
wrote last edited by [email protected]Yeah, I get how it's related, but what you said doesn't answer the question, and at any given time on any given topic, half the Internet is just stupid and wrong, so, that doesn't actually mean anything at all.
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Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
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That's exactly what Julian Assange did, and half the internet defends the shit out of him.
Half the internet can be wrong.
The question was, would you defend that?
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His conditions for sex required a condom. When she removed it, she lost consent.
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
It is wrong, I don’t dispute that; but believe calling that rape is mocking actual sexual abuse. The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
Yes, she could force pregnancy, but that’s also not rape, but a different crime. Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
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Half the internet can be wrong.
The question was, would you defend that?
Of course not
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Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
wrote last edited by [email protected]If I didn't love myself, I would've stayed in this relationship. She was not my source of happiness. I learned to let go of her, even if that meant losing my first potential girlfriend.
I believe I am ready for a real relationship, just not with her. It was complete mental torture.
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It is wrong, I don’t dispute that; but believe calling that rape is mocking actual sexual abuse. The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
Yes, she could force pregnancy, but that’s also not rape, but a different crime. Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
I did not claim that the condom was the victim in any way. I also have no problem with burning used condoms. Kinda weird, but I'm not here to kink shame.
And, having sex without a condom COULD harm the guy. He could pick up an STD in addition to being responsible for an unintended pregnancy.
When someone says yes to protected sex, that means that they have said NO to unprotected sex, until they explicitly say otherwise. Sex without consent is rape.
Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
And I would argue that you are doing THESE people who WERE actually raped a larger disservice by saying they weren't raped enough to deserve the right to say that they were raped.
Do we really need people gatekeeping rape?
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Yeah. I like the concept, but half of the ones I saw on Reddit were obviously bullshit written by teenagers who think that real life plays out like movies.
That's completely understandable, and a valid concern. I could potentially think of a solution to rat out the creative writers and BS'ing teenagers (or AI slop).
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Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
I would say to you stop trivializing a woman's actions that everyone would consider rape if the genders swapped
If he was the one who slipped off the condom secretly, would you not consider that rape?
Regardless, OP is immature and has a lot of growing to do, and she took advantage of that in a number of ways. I feel for this kid. Terrible situation to be dragged through
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Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You're absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That's not OK even if you're very scared.
wrote last edited by [email protected]I understand, but I was suicidal, and I wanted it to end so badly, I was in such a terrible mental state.
She would not want to talk, I would ask her out for lunch, she would cancel. I would try to call her, she would hang up. Texting her about it, well, I would be writing my own death sentence it felt like.
She made it scary to even confront her about it, because I felt like she would break up if I asked. I was terrified, I wanted the pain to end. I just completely broke down and I hope you can understand where I was coming from. Still, not okay, but it was just such a terrible situation.
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If I didn't love myself, I would've stayed in this relationship. She was not my source of happiness. I learned to let go of her, even if that meant losing my first potential girlfriend.
I believe I am ready for a real relationship, just not with her. It was complete mental torture.
There are so many examples in your post where you place her above you and she is not equal in that return.
It is challenging, especially when you think of things like, "Love means sacrifice, or hard work." And those statements are not wrong, but they are also easy mechanisms your brain uses to justify why you let someone shit on you.
I am coming from a marriage of 20 years and after getting therapy, finally realizing just how I much I enabled the treatment I received.
Sex is such a strong urge too, ESPECIALLY at 20. That and fear of loneliness.
I've got something that is worse though. 20 years I will never get back because I convinced myself if I just kept loving her, she would eventually love me back the same. That I just need to be strong and the sacrifice is worth it. Now I don't even really know who I am anymore.
You got this in a short dating period.
I am not red pilling or any of that other chauvinistic bullshit because this applies to both partners.
Almost every single example you presented was reason enough, on its own, to leave her.
But you twisted yourself into thinking there's no way this is what it is. You must not be seeing it right, there must be some justification for her behavior. It must not be a big deal, or you are "over reacting".
That can be anywhere from poor self esteem to just putting your partner on a pedestal.
If your partner does something that makes you think, "I could/would never consider doing that.", in a bad way, it is most likely not an equal or healthy relationship.
(This mostly applies to how they interact with you and others.)You are NTA, you just need to respect your own boundaries, even when it hurts.
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Trust me, I learned my lesson. I am never doing that again.
I'm sorry you went through all this, it legit sounds like the whole situation broke you mentally, when things that are this high stress go on for that long, it can really fuck you up.
People rarely listen to good advice when the fun mistake is staring them in it face. The not dating at work thing isn't for when things go right, (a lot of people get married having met at their job) it's for when things go bad like this. You are trapped with them! Like you said, lesson learned, don't keep beating yourself up.
Next time, and don't let this scare you off of dating in general, communicate with your partner before that the idea of knocking up a partner is a genuine fear, set a clear boundary. Good on you for resisting getting back into the situation once you had been made truly uncomfortable.
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The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
I did not claim that the condom was the victim in any way. I also have no problem with burning used condoms. Kinda weird, but I'm not here to kink shame.
And, having sex without a condom COULD harm the guy. He could pick up an STD in addition to being responsible for an unintended pregnancy.
When someone says yes to protected sex, that means that they have said NO to unprotected sex, until they explicitly say otherwise. Sex without consent is rape.
Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
And I would argue that you are doing THESE people who WERE actually raped a larger disservice by saying they weren't raped enough to deserve the right to say that they were raped.
Do we really need people gatekeeping rape?
wrote last edited by [email protected]Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
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Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it's the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
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https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it's the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
Thanks for the assist!
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[deleted]
AITA for breaking up
No.
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Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
What is stealthing?
So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.
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Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You're absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That's not OK even if you're very scared.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
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Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
wrote last edited by [email protected]She said she was from another country and she moved here years ago, that is why I asked. I understand, it's completely fucked up, I was super stressed out at the time. I never would've involved ICE. If you look at my previous comment, I explained that I wanted to know if she had it just so I can say in case she tried taking me to court I'd tell her to take a DNA test (still fucked up, but this is where my mind was at the time).
I was very sorry after it, and her and I were cool for a bit until I just broke things off myself, for my self-respect and for hers. I also wanted to break up because I was scared about the baby thing and wanted to wait it out to see if she was actually pregnant or not (she kept holding me up for 2 months straight). It was my only way of knowing, I don't have social media, and I didn't have hers.
I've talked to two other coworkers here about the whole situation (both Latino) and they agree that she was a nutcase. They did not blame me for the way I reacted. (Still, not okay of course)
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What is stealthing?
So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.
From OPs story it sounds like she took it off and that was the end of it - no “stealthing”.
