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Trust me, I learned my lesson. I am never doing that again.
I'm sorry you went through all this, it legit sounds like the whole situation broke you mentally, when things that are this high stress go on for that long, it can really fuck you up.
People rarely listen to good advice when the fun mistake is staring them in it face. The not dating at work thing isn't for when things go right, (a lot of people get married having met at their job) it's for when things go bad like this. You are trapped with them! Like you said, lesson learned, don't keep beating yourself up.
Next time, and don't let this scare you off of dating in general, communicate with your partner before that the idea of knocking up a partner is a genuine fear, set a clear boundary. Good on you for resisting getting back into the situation once you had been made truly uncomfortable.
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The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
I did not claim that the condom was the victim in any way. I also have no problem with burning used condoms. Kinda weird, but I'm not here to kink shame.
And, having sex without a condom COULD harm the guy. He could pick up an STD in addition to being responsible for an unintended pregnancy.
When someone says yes to protected sex, that means that they have said NO to unprotected sex, until they explicitly say otherwise. Sex without consent is rape.
Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
And I would argue that you are doing THESE people who WERE actually raped a larger disservice by saying they weren't raped enough to deserve the right to say that they were raped.
Do we really need people gatekeeping rape?
wrote last edited by [email protected]Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
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Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it's the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
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https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it's the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
Thanks for the assist!
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AITA for breaking up
No.
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Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
What is stealthing?
So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.
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Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You're absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That's not OK even if you're very scared.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
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Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
wrote last edited by [email protected]She said she was from another country and she moved here years ago, that is why I asked. I understand, it's completely fucked up, I was super stressed out at the time. I never would've involved ICE. If you look at my previous comment, I explained that I wanted to know if she had it just so I can say in case she tried taking me to court I'd tell her to take a DNA test (still fucked up, but this is where my mind was at the time).
I was very sorry after it, and her and I were cool for a bit until I just broke things off myself, for my self-respect and for hers. I also wanted to break up because I was scared about the baby thing and wanted to wait it out to see if she was actually pregnant or not (she kept holding me up for 2 months straight). It was my only way of knowing, I don't have social media, and I didn't have hers.
I've talked to two other coworkers here about the whole situation (both Latino) and they agree that she was a nutcase. They did not blame me for the way I reacted. (Still, not okay of course)
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What is stealthing?
So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.
From OPs story it sounds like she took it off and that was the end of it - no “stealthing”.
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Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
Removing a condom alone isn’t rape. From OPs story they didn’t continue having sex after she took it off without his permission, so there is no rape.
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Removing a condom alone isn’t rape. From OPs story they didn’t continue having sex after she took it off without his permission, so there is no rape.
We did continue having sex. I was drunk when she took it off.
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We did continue having sex. I was drunk when she took it off.
Was she drunk too? And you knew she took it off and chose to keep going?
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Was she drunk too? And you knew she took it off and chose to keep going?
She was not as drunk as I was. I was barely awake.
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wrote last edited by [email protected]I don't think anyone is an asshole for breaking up with someone - no one is owed someone staying in a relationship they hate.
Sounds like she is a garbage person that you should not date, talk to, or even acknowledge exists anymore. Go to a Dr. and get an STD panel ran.
BUT:
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support
You are an asshole for that. Be better next time. Learn from this, if a relationship feels this bad, especially so shortly into it, dip out as directly and clearly as you can.
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Just disregarding everything, you are free to end a relationship whenever you want for any reason, period.
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I don't think anyone is an asshole for breaking up with someone - no one is owed someone staying in a relationship they hate.
Sounds like she is a garbage person that you should not date, talk to, or even acknowledge exists anymore. Go to a Dr. and get an STD panel ran.
BUT:
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support
You are an asshole for that. Be better next time. Learn from this, if a relationship feels this bad, especially so shortly into it, dip out as directly and clearly as you can.
I will be better next time, I understand how fucked up that was. It was just the stress of everything, she knew my job was thinking about firing me at a couple points, and she still decides it's okay to stress me out, especially to that level. It was just the stress of it all that was killing me. I couldn't get her to come out after that, hang ups, flaking on dates, etc. (before I called) and she was starting to really scare me. I just completely lost my mind.
