The one change that worked: I set my phone to ‘do not disturb’ three years ago – and have never looked back
-
And you can configure certain apps or contacts to be excluded, at least on Android. I assume iOS can do the same.
-
Energy contacts can ring anyway after 3 calls or something on iOS. I guess Android has the same setting.
-
Please don't tell anyone I know about this feature.
Here's how my next family gathering would go if I were in the movie Liar Liar:
"Son! We never hear from you anymore! It's so hard to get ahold of you these days!"
"Yeaaaaah........"
"Everytime I call, there's never any answer, and your mailbox is full."
"Yeah. I've intentionally kept my voicemailbox full for the past 3 years. Then I turn the ringer to silent, as it has been for 10 years"
"Why?"
"Well, I love all of you, but it is EXAUSTING to talk to most of you for more than 30 minutes, and not very often. If you notice, at Christmas, and other holidays, I tend to flutter. I don't want to spend any more than 15 minutes with any one of you, so when you start building up your bs, I flutter to the next person, and the cycle renews. Look, I know my niece is only 13, but she better start dating by 15, and have a kid by 18. Look, BEST case scenario, I don't get to play retro video games with a kid seeing them for the first time for AT LEAST 8-9 years. And that's assuming my niece grows up waaaaaaay faster than I expect her to. She may not have a kid until she's 30! I'm not going to be the cool uncle in his late 40s, spending time with the kid, so he feels included.......I would be the weird uncle in his late 60s, trying to show his great nephew novelty video games from 80 years prior. And at that point I lose my buffer! Ok, I'm sorry. I would absolutely prefer to play video games with a kid I talk to once a year, and show him games of the past, than have to go have "grown up conversations". Which roughly translated means hearing my boomer mom get progressively more openly racist, which historically was NEVER the case, and my boomer dad become increasively more peaceful, and accepting of others, and less racist......which is even MORE surprising! Because before Obama, he would not hesitate to throw the n-word around casually. So basically I don't understand life right now. Then you got my sister, who I feel I should feel guilty for thinking she's a bad person....but I don't. She belittles anyone, even those close to her. She loves to argue and make those around her feel bad. Then there's my other sister who used to be this social animal party drinker when she was in her 20s, and now in her 50s she loves judging people, and gossiping about the neighbors or whoever. Again, historically unlike her. Then there's my brother in law, who I feel like is the reason my sister turned from free spirit to mean judgy type. And then there's his parents, who aren't bad people at all. His parents are salt of the earth people. They're just really really......boring in every way. Finally there's my niece. She's 13, so she's in that self awkward phase where she doesn't talk to anyone and somehow gets away with it. Maaaaaan, just a few years ago she was my buffer! I played untitled goose game with her, pokemon with her, some driving game.......now she stays in her room and avoids everybody! Lucky...."
And then everybody would look at me and stare. Everybodys feelings are hurt. So instead I just say
"Heh, yeah. I get a lot of telemarketers these days"
I swear to god, their dog better live like 30 years. She LOVES me everytime I come over. And she gets super excited and energetic. So I'm just like "I'll Maisey for a walk!" And my sister is like "It's 10 degrees, and blizzarding out there!" And I'm like "So does she have little doggy boots, and maybe like a sweater with overlaying wind breaker....orrrrr......what are we doing? Is this like a pulling her on a sled situation?" And she'd say "No there's no doggy boots or sweaters, or sleds!" And I say "Well, I mean that's kind of cruel though, don't you think? To take her out in this without protection from the elements?" And she says "I WASN'T GOING TO TAKE HER OUT AT ALL!!!" and I just say "Woooowwwwwwww! Hear that Maisey? I'm the only one who loves you enough to take you for a walk. C'mon, we get the old wagon, and at the very least a blacket!"
And then leave the house for like.....45 minutes to an hour.
Look, I love my family. I just don't have the social stamina to interact with them.
-
I did a similar but more generalised thing since long ago, when I got my first pager (pre-mobile) in '95. I made myself a solemn promise that I would gratuitously and unapologetically use silent-mode, DnD, etc (including more recently auto-DnD every late-afternoon-to-mid-morning, even on weekends, when it became a thing) to live an almost exclusively asynchronous life. I almost never answer direct phone-calls too, often even for many of the recognised numbers. My modus operandi is this:
If it's a real emergency a call might be unavoidable, but if it's just typical-urgent it could be an SMS (key part of that acronym is Short) which I would see relatively soon. Alternatively a sensitive/private urgent requirement could be fulfilled via Signal. Otherwise email (pgp-encrypted if it has to be private) which I usually catch up with every day or two. Also I disable all non-critical realtime app-notifications entirely. Additionally whenever someone calls/emails me with an "opportunity" requiring "immediate response because they need a confirmation by yesterday!!!!1" I know that means the work is going to be like that too (absent time-management or time-discipline, bouncing between crises in parallel) so my go-to response is along the lines of "Thanks, but such a shame it's so last-minute - it would be impossible for me to properly consider this against the rest of my schedule and decide responsibly whether I could do it. I hope you find someone."
I didn't choose that for the sake of being antisocial, I chose it because I felt that "flow state" and "focus-retention while tackling complex problems" are extremely precious resources, and also increasingly rare. Most (not all) of the time if you don't push back to protect that then others won't voluntarily protect yours for you, because a lot of people only respect their own time, mental-bandwidth and priorities, and not those of others. I found that batching tasks together to grind through them in bulk without interruption is not only useful at work, but in most of the mundane/administrative parts of life too, because it minimizes the destructive effect of context-switching".
I discovered a very astute validation of this in an essay by Paul Graham "Maker's Schedule, Manager's Schedule" https://www.paulgraham.com/makersschedule.html
-
At least on Android (I'd assume iOS does it as well), you can set Do Not Disturb (DND) to turn on and off automatically, based on the time. You can also designate certain contacts to be allowed to bypass DND, so the phone will ring normally. I setup DND a long time ago, because I don't want to be bothered by random shit while I am trying to sleep. However, my job is such that I might reasonably be called at 03:00 and need to roll my arse out of bed and start working. So, the number they call from is set to bypass DND. My elderly mother and brother are both similarly set to bypass. It all works out quite well and if some random marketer figures out my number and calls in the middle of the night, I don't get woken up to talk about my car's warranty.
-
True, one of the first thing I did on my phone, set to DnD from 22h to 7h,except for phone calls and SMS from known contacts.
-
Also Android has an option to allow numbers that call you twice in 15 minutes to get through as well, which they would do anyway in case there is an actual emergency, and someone is really trying to reach you asap.
-
I kinda do this. I've found that I drift away from everyone. I don't respond in real time. I don't want to interrupt anyone for idle conversation.
Not sure I'd really recommend, but I can't seem to help drifting away from people. Only people in my life are my wife, kids, and people my wife keeps in my life, which includes my own folks.
It's lonely when I stop to think about it. Which mostly I don't, but when I do.... it sucks. And I think I'm accidentally raising my kids to be the same way.
-
there's also a settling somewhere to let a call through if it's like the second of two in a row
-
I do this to my mom as a way to be very low-contact with her. It's a huge relief.
I used to love texting when it was only a handful of friends but these days I hate the pressure of it being ever-present in my pocket and the social expectation to answer in a relatively timely manner. (This has led me to being a horrible texter, sorry everyone.)
I miss the old days of AOL instant messenger. Your online status did all the heavy lifting to communicate when you had some free time and felt like chatting.
-
Smart man.
-
iOS also has a nice feature where if you get called by the same number twice in a short period of time it will let the second call through.
The pessimist in me knows it’s just a matter of time until robo callers figure that one out and start double calling, but it is nice peace of mind for now.
-
I have been using scheduled do not disturb for over a decade, it makes SUCH a difference. I always have it on 10 PM - 7 AM, and I have started enabling it for an hour if work picks up or if I’m at the gym so I can focus.
My work phone is on DND more than not, I’m available 7:30 AM - 5 PM on weekdays and it is in DND otherwise, super nice.
-
Am I the only one that just ignores calls and texts that I don't want to respond to immediately or ever? I never have my ring volume up and I've muted almost all of my group chats, so only individual messages get through. My Pixel also does call screening which blocks a lot of trash from getting to me, and I keep space in my VM for when I have important calls get through that I either can't or don't want to answer.
-
Call 911 ffs, I can't do anything.
-
Thanks for sharing, it really did feel like a sketch out of the movie.
I guess I would also focus on the dog and the niece when they are more approachable and not as combative and so many people in your family are changing quite profoundly
I hope you have a lovely day without phone calls!
-
I changed mine to all calls after a friend called 2am from a cell and I didn't get it. Still only certain texts though
-
You have a GOOGLE phone?!?! Does it notify ICE when you’re near an immigrant? JK
-
I can't emphasize how important it is for you to control your phone, especially notifications. Every notification is literally a mind hijacking attempt. Regardless of the type of notification, it's something that disrupts our thinking and our flow.
Some of them are necessary—but most aren't.
All the native apps will of course try to get as much permission from you as possible, including notifications. Don't allow this permission freely.
Get really strict about which apps need to send you notifications, and when. Take it from a dude who used to give free reign to all apps for notifications.
Once I started thinking in a more digitally minimalistic way, it made a huge difference. Running GrapheneOS actually helped with this a lot. But you don't need GOS to do this and feel the difference.
I got some notifications turned on, but most of em are silent. So they still get delivered, but they're not time-sensitive. They'll be there when I check my phone next. I don't need em interrupting whatever I was doing or thinking.
TL;DR: Be strict about which notifications you allow, and when. It'll do wonders for your thinking, productivity, and mental health.
-
This should be the default on new phones. I enabled it the first time I got a call at 3AM from one of my clients. Many people just have no respect.
