How old is too old to have kids, in your opinion?
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
IMO, you shouldn't have a child if the thought/feel behind it is "I'm genuinely happy with or without them" regardless. It's worse than being with someone and thinking "I'm genuinely happy with or without them", because that person can get another partner but you can't get a new mom...
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
My father had another son with his 2nd wife when he was 58. At first I thought he was too old and it would be a burden for him and for the kid, but finally it works fine for everyone. He kind of seems younger now and my brother (now 11 years old) deals fine with having an older dad.
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In my opinion over 50 is too old. I don't have a hard cutoff but I think I would place it somewhere around early 40s.
Some of my reasons are very subjective. My best memories of my childhood with my parents are of active stuff – camping trips, exploring rivers, kayaking. My parents are still very active in their late 60s but I can't imagine them doing a lot of the stuff we did back then. At least not in the same way.
Also I hate seeing my parents age. It was fine until their early 60s, they were also still very healthy and energetic in their 50s. But now I am often reminded that our time together is limited. I would have hated to deal with that as a child or teenager.
I know it's very possible for a child to have a happy life with an older parent, possibly happier than many other children. But I personally would hate to have one and think it's a bit selfish to consciously choose it.
Also I hate seeing my parents age.
It’s a weird feeling when you look at them and recognize them looking like your grandparents for the first time.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
If you have a kid now you husband will be almost seventy by the time they graduate high school. He probably won't be able to keep up with his grandchildren because he will be in his late seventies unless they get started young.
I would be reluctant to bring life into the world you know you won't be around for. It is not a total deal breaker, but it is something you should talk about.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
My wife and I had this discussion when we got married, she was angling for another kid and I was like "Roll forward 17, 18 years, do you want to be paying for college at retirement age?"
Our first kid is grown, out of the house, married, his degree is 100% paid off... I really don't want to be doing that again in my 60s.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
wrote last edited by [email protected]If you're expected to die before your kid turns 30-35, you're too old.
So if life expectancy of your husband (factoring in your genetics and family medical history) is, say 81 or older, then sure, go ahead.
As for your age (maternal age), it generally should not be older than 40, and optimally younder then 35, so you're at the right age. (Because older women tend to have children with developmental issues, biologically speaking)
He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
Um yea this is not optimal... my older brother is only like 5 years older and we already have a lot of problems.
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why is your husband 20 years older than you?!
also, you can adopt.
They’re adults, who cares?
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
These are questions for a doctor, not the Internet lol.
I think you're fine but your husband might be a bit old, but idk exactly how the associated risks increase with age.If you're serious, ignore every single comment here and ask your ob/gyn.
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If you're expected to die before your kid turns 30-35, you're too old.
So if life expectancy of your husband (factoring in your genetics and family medical history) is, say 81 or older, then sure, go ahead.
As for your age (maternal age), it generally should not be older than 40, and optimally younder then 35, so you're at the right age. (Because older women tend to have children with developmental issues, biologically speaking)
He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
Um yea this is not optimal... my older brother is only like 5 years older and we already have a lot of problems.
The childrens' age gap seems like a non-issue to me. Older brother would just take on a sort of uncle role. I know several people with large gaps in their siblings ages, and while they don't have the traditional sibling bond, they don't harbor any ill will towards their siblings either.
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If you have a kid now you husband will be almost seventy by the time they graduate high school. He probably won't be able to keep up with his grandchildren because he will be in his late seventies unless they get started young.
I would be reluctant to bring life into the world you know you won't be around for. It is not a total deal breaker, but it is something you should talk about.
This doesnt seem like a huge problem to me. If he was already 70, maybe. But he'll still presumably be a fully functioning adult through his kid's whole adolescence.
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This doesnt seem like a huge problem to me. If he was already 70, maybe. But he'll still presumably be a fully functioning adult through his kid's whole adolescence.
He was the one with the problem with it, not me. I can see his point though.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Since you said in my opinion, any age. Kids suck. Lets just die off as a species
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
wrote last edited by [email protected]I’ll go with 40.
- for women I believe the risks went up dramatically 35–>40, with the new label “advanced maternal age”. There’s a clear medical threshold here.
- for men, I was about 40 and really think that should be about it. In fact I wanted another child but after that was delayed by medical issues in the family, decided we were getting too old. There may not be such a clear medical threshold but ….
When we did things with other parents we were invariably the oldest in the room. Not a blocker but it’s harder to be part of that community. I went to school with a kid from a very large family whose parents were older and they never did fit with other parents.
But the biggest thing is energy. As a Dad, I took a big part of my role to be active involvement. To keep up with toddler energy while also handling logistics. To jump into physical playtime or homework after a days work. to be always ready for the adventure, the sport, the activity. My crowning achievement was getting up at first cry so my wife could sleep, throwing the little one into a backpack, and doing a predawn hike to give his first bottle at sunrise on top of a mountain.
What was I saying? Oh energy. Now that my kids are in college, I’m old enough to make it difficult to keep up. I got my littlest into hiking but now I can’t go 5 miles without my knees killing me. Meanwhile he’s sending pictures back 15 miles in.
But seriously, energy. Now after a full days work I just want to get home and sit. Vegetate. It’s getting much harder to stir up the passion to join them whether for a video game, hone improvement, or even take them to an ice cream stand
I realize your mileage will vary, greatly, but I just don’t have the energy to be actively involved with kids anymore. They grew up just in time. But that active involvement, again doesn’t have to be physical but active participation , makes parenting so rewarding for both you and them. You don’t want to miss it. Kids aren’t goldfish where you can sit back in your chair and watch the aquarium but they shine ever brighter when you’re in there with them. You’re not a simple babysitter where you just make sure they survive, but it’s so much more rewarding as a parent to be there, do stuff, keep up.
But you have a different scenario with a large age gap. You’re at a great age for becoming a parent so don’t let age stop you. Medically it should be fine (statistically). You should be fine. But be aware that your husband may no longer have the energy or as much involvement as he would have a decade or two earlier. Both he and your child will miss out and likely you will face more of the burdens alone. But it is what it is. Life doesn’t always deal a straight flush and you have to play the hand you’re dealt.
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I’m 31, my husband is 51, and lately I’ve been feeling some baby fever. For the record, kids aren’t a must for me, I’m genuinely happy with or without them, but I think it would be nice to experience that journey. My husband is hesitant, though. Even though he’s very healthy, active, and energetic, he feels like having a child in his 50s might be too late. He also already has a 27-year-old son, and he worries that the big age gap between siblings would feel strange.
I guess I’m just looking to hear what others think about this situation.
Adopt an older child if you do want to raise a kid but are worried about ages?
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My wife and I had this discussion when we got married, she was angling for another kid and I was like "Roll forward 17, 18 years, do you want to be paying for college at retirement age?"
Our first kid is grown, out of the house, married, his degree is 100% paid off... I really don't want to be doing that again in my 60s.
That’s a good point. We had kids older so now I’m approaching 60 and my youngest just started college. Now that my peers are thinking about retirement soon, I’m thinking how can I finish paying for college? How can I help jump start their adult lives?
There were advantages to being well established before having kids, but the disadvantaged are coming along now. Paying off colleges is going to set my retirement way back, and I may never get to enjoy grandchildren.
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In my opinion over 50 is too old. I don't have a hard cutoff but I think I would place it somewhere around early 40s.
Some of my reasons are very subjective. My best memories of my childhood with my parents are of active stuff – camping trips, exploring rivers, kayaking. My parents are still very active in their late 60s but I can't imagine them doing a lot of the stuff we did back then. At least not in the same way.
Also I hate seeing my parents age. It was fine until their early 60s, they were also still very healthy and energetic in their 50s. But now I am often reminded that our time together is limited. I would have hated to deal with that as a child or teenager.
I know it's very possible for a child to have a happy life with an older parent, possibly happier than many other children. But I personally would hate to have one and think it's a bit selfish to consciously choose it.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Believe me it sucks from the other side as well. It’s bad enough that I have white hair but I also can no longer be “the guy”. I may no longer be up for the hike, the sport, the long drive. My knees are bad enough so it’s difficult to get on the ground to play. I stiffen up in a long video game session. It’s much harder to find the energy.
My kids grew up just in time. But my littlest one got up at dawn today, hiked up a mountain and sent back picture of his university as a faint dot in the distance. That used to be me, and I hope I’m part of his inspiration but can no longer join him.
This summer for the first time I took a hike that was too much. We hadn’t planned for the heat or sufficient water. It’s bad enough that I had to sit and send him for the car, but that bastard was perfectly fine so he ran the remaining two miles to the car. Since then he’s been overly worried about me. I’m supposed to be the one worried about him
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IMO, you shouldn't have a child if the thought/feel behind it is "I'm genuinely happy with or without them" regardless. It's worse than being with someone and thinking "I'm genuinely happy with or without them", because that person can get another partner but you can't get a new mom...
I don't really agree. My mom has pretty much told me she felt similar before having children. She would have been fine not having any. But she's still a great mom who loves me and my siblings a lot and never regretted having us. I never felt rejected or unloved because of it.
People shouldn't have children if they don't want to have any but to me that's not the same as being fine with both. -
Also I hate seeing my parents age.
It’s a weird feeling when you look at them and recognize them looking like your grandparents for the first time.
I don't really have many memory of my grandparents. One of my grandfathers I never met because he too was an old father and died years before I was born. My other grandparents died rather young when I was still little. All of this likely adds to my bias.
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I don't really agree. My mom has pretty much told me she felt similar before having children. She would have been fine not having any. But she's still a great mom who loves me and my siblings a lot and never regretted having us. I never felt rejected or unloved because of it.
People shouldn't have children if they don't want to have any but to me that's not the same as being fine with both.Well, I guess people change their minds after big things happen, and I assume that, more than "not regretting" having children, what she/you meant was "changed her whole life for the better and gave her life much more meaning", right? Else, idk, I personally wouldn't be happy with having such a dispassionate parent, and just "not feeling rejected or unloved", but being deeply appreciated and loved! But maybe I'm too sensitive and my Latino heart can only conceive "proper parenthood" being one way (although I assume most of the global South would agree with my feelings about it). And yeah, it's not the same and having children while really not wanting any is insane, but being a parent shouldn't be something you're just "meh" about (again, maybe it's a cultural difference).
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The flip side of that is the 51 year old will have the time patience and resources to give the child a great upbringing.
Almost 50, I could not imagine exerting the effort it took to get my now teenage sons parented properly.
It takes so much time, energy and patience and you dont really get more of those as you age.
Then the kid has to explain their old dad to friends and tell everyone that he is not the grampa.
Old dad also won't necessarily have a lot in common with other parents that are 20 years younger, so those interactions will be very odd.
Old dad ain't gonna be able to keep up at the amusement park or zoo. He isn't going to want to sleep in a tent because his back hurts and he has to piss four times a night. Even if he can, it won't be pleasant.
I am watching my in laws do this, they started at 40. It does not look fun and neither of them will play with the kids much. Little kids need active play, they need to be chased, wrestled with, tickled and tossed in the air. My in laws just keep telling their hyper daughter to just chill out all the time. It doesn't work and she is perpetually frustrated.
Tl,dr y'all too old.
