Why do paternity tests feel like such an inherent accusation of low character?
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Also, get the fucking home inspection. Don’t ask me how I know.
This is me NOT asking how you know, hoping you'll tell an interesting story anyway.
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Oh, but being a single mother at that age is great for career prospects yeah? Young fathers have as much responsibility towards their children as young mothers - saying that 30% of income is too much to pay? Wtf? How much of her income is the mother expected to pay to support her child?
wrote last edited by [email protected]I have experienced this. It is not a hypothetical. I was physically disabled while riding a bicycle to work. I had my business tanked by these shits. I had my commercial driver's licence ruined. I've been all but killed by this issue. There is far more nuance here. Don't be an ass.
It is not even my fault. She was a cheater.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
It is. And good protection on their part. Kids cost a lot of time and money. you will both have a hard time going to college which is almost required for a good life now. It isn't impossible, but life will be very different for you both. there is help for young families, so things are not hopeless for you, but time other kids your age spend partying is time you will spend either raising the kid or studying - because raising the kid happened when the others were studying. Assuming you go to college - many will not and and that costs your future-
If he isn't the father - and plenty of girls have lied about this - then he gets a much better life since he doesn't have responsibility forced on him. Thus good protection on their part.
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If the test came back with unexpected results, it would imply that you were cheating on your BF (assuming it’s a monogamous relationship) and hiding it, therefore, being dishonest. So in a way, the request for a test can be considered accusing you of cheating and lying. So I can see why it would feel insulting and humiliating.
Looking at it from your BF’s parent’s perspective, even if they think you are the most amazing and honest ray of sunshine, it’s their responsibility to look out for their son. And life teaches us that people who seem wonderful can sometimes surprise us and even the most solid relationships can fall apart. 18 years of child support is a lot of money ( $100k+?). Maybe you will have a long and happy marriage or whatever but they have to consider the possibility. So before their son potentially signs up for a $100k+ commitment, I can see why they would want to trust but verify.
Regardless, it isn’t reasonable to expect 18 years olds to be abstinent. Accidents happen all the time and probably account for like half the human population. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully, you and your BF can move forward with solid love and support from both of your parents. Good luck!
Sigh. The way my little one eats, 100k would barely cover the cost of food on the table for the next couple decades...
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Don't take offense to it. It's just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.
For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, "Just trust me bro" doesn't quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn't already a formalized relationship like a marriage.
This is the answer.
Getting the inspector to take a look isn't an accusation, it's just to confirm that everything is as it seems.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
wrote last edited by [email protected]When I was in my early twenties, I thought paternity tests were something reasonable that maybe everyone should do, just to avoid possible problems in some cases.
I have to tell you, now I have kids and did no paternity tests. My wife and I love each other immensely, we wanted kids, we tried until we got them. It would be insulting to suggest a paternity test on that situation.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
It shouldn't be insulting
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
As others have said, it's a pretty reasonable request by his parents, they need to protect their kid. Doesn't mean it can't feel humiliating.
On the positive side, you avoided decades of little remarks (definitely meant as jokes) about how he might not be the father from his parents.
Also, if you ever need to go to court, you already have proof it's truly his kid.
So, I'm not saying it doesn't suck and doesn't feel humiliating, just trying to provide a few positive things to try focusing on.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Sadly i know very many stories were the girl lied who father is. Sometimes malicious, just knows real father/father family is bad news, sometimes like on Murray doesn't know and picked one. Male side can never be certain and no one wants hidden reservations lingering. This destroyes marriages. Also, even if you said no They'll just get it done in secret after baby is born to put concerns to rest.
This is not a reflection on you as a person in fact take this as an opportunity to show how confident you are in the truth and be amicable but have them pay directly the test. Keep in mind they probably will be a factor in your life moving forward so choose words/actions carefully. think of it like a certification to get everyone on the same page to support you.
My mom went through the same thing at 17 best of luck on the road ahead.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Because there's too many stories about the current guy just raising a kid that wasn't his.
Sorry.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
I do unterstand your feelings, the question implies that you Were involved with someone else than your boyfriend and its not nice to think about that in your situation especially since hormons make us more emotional during pregnancy (at least me).
As most people stated here already it is however a valid concern of your boyfriends parents. Cheating is very common, more common than I would have thought at 18! Doesn't mean you're a bad person.
Anyways I wanted to add a different perspective. The one of your child. If you don't do the test, but your bf family has a tiny bit of doubt it might be that at some point in your child's life it might hear about that doubt / just suspect it from behavior. And that can do unbelievable harm to a child. So its better to have that proof and then everyone can be happy about the new family member.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Anecdote: One of my friends from high school got his girlfriend pregnant. He and his family wanted to abort, her (very controlling family) were strict Catholics and wanted to keep it. He became a father at 18.
He was a wicked smart kid, and was about to go to a top Uni, but had to change to match his girlfriends Uni so that they could raise the kid together. He found it very difficult to juggle his studies with his parenting, and ultimately the relationship fell apart since he never really loved the girl as much as he thought he did. He dropped out, and now works as a waiter.
I can definitely understand your boyfriends parents wanting to be double sure of the immense responsibility coming his way. You guys are way too young to do this alone, and I really hope you both have good parental support to step in as you try to find your career paths in your 20s.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Because it hurts to be accused of something unfairly, even if it's just an implication.
It will help if you try to make it a choice. In a way, this is something that will protect your child - the tiniest sliver of doubt could taint your child's relationship with their father. And that seed has already been planted
Even if they back down, I think you should insist on it.
Honest people don't tell you they're honest, they show. If you want, you could politely insist they read the test results themselves, to make sure there's absolutely no doubt that would taint their relationship with their grandchild
It would turn this around on them, it's the third path solution. They're going to try to brush over the unpleasantness when the results come in, if you make them linger on it for just a moment they'll feel shame without hurting the relationship
If you do that or not should probably depend on how supportive they are during the pregnancy, but I'd personally like having that option in my back pocket
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It shouldn't be insulting
It implies the person she said was the father might not be the father, which can certainly feel insulting.
A reasonable request doesn't mean it won't feel insulting.
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I would be wondering if the grandpa is really a grandpa, maybe he should provide paternity test first.
Oh, I like this.
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It doesn't have to be about shaming. You obviously know who the mother is but the father isnt definitive until a test and with such a serious situation it's always good to be certain.
No-one is saying that this particular request is intended to be shaming. The issue is that regardless of the intention, OP feels humiliated.
The question was
Why do paternity tests feel like such an inherent accusation of low character?
The answer is that instead of society normalising it as a rational request, it's often used as a weapon against women. Sucks for both parties honestly. It would be better for everyone if a paternity test was a legal requirement to add a man to any birth certificate.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Parenthood means that your life is no longer your own.
Everything you eat and do for the next nine months matters, and then the real work starts.
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It implies the person she said was the father might not be the father, which can certainly feel insulting.
A reasonable request doesn't mean it won't feel insulting.
Feelings and reality often don't align. I'm not saying it can't feel that way. I'm saying if you look at the reality (detailed in other comments here) it's really not
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Obviously, being asked to perform a paternity test is an implication of low character.
However, I suspect that in the near future, DNA tests will be done as a matter of course to test the baby for genetic diseases, and as a result, the paternity will also be known from the same test.
It seems a little dystopian, but we are already in that dystopia, and people simply don't know it. That's because of familial DNA testing. Even if you never get your DNA tested, as long as some of your descendants get tested, the paternity will be known. Everybody should already assume that children of affairs being born today will be exposed during the mother's lifetime.
So, the good thing about this dystopia is that there will be some point where specific paternity tests will not be a thing, and all of these type of accusations of low character will go away. Small comfort for somebody who is going through this right now, though.
I suspect that in the near future, DNA tests will be done as a matter of course to test the baby for genetic diseases
This is pretty much the standard for IVF. You might be able to waive it, but it's standard process to test for chromosomal abnormalities before implantation. You can extend that to test for other markers if you have money to burn.
Hopefully it becomes affordable and standard across the board.
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I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Don't let them bully you into anything.
It's your body. You decide what happens to it.
Don't let them force you into circumcision, baptism, any of that shit because they want it. You are in control here. They can fuck off.
