How to talk some sense into my daughter regarding a scam university?
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
I don't really have any good suggestions, but I just want to say that I feel second-hand frustration just by reading this
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he is setting her up to fail by giving her whatever she wants. She's a child; he's an adult and should know better.
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You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he is setting her up to fail by giving her whatever she wants. She's a child; he's an adult and should know better.
The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Try to have a conversation around what this diploma "unlocks" in her life that she wants. If all she needs are a diploma to flash while witching, there are cheaper diploma mills that take less time.
Edit: Reading back it sounds like I'm being light-hearted about this. I'm not really. At some point children are adults that make bad choices that are out of your control, and the best you can do as a parent is to not alienate them by trying to prevent it but help them think things through.
That's not the same as encouraging bad decisions, but accepting them. In a year or two that thinking may be what they need to make better choices, and they will still trust you to talk things through.
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
That's a fucked up. Seems like he doesn't actually care about either your opinions or the future for your daughter. He's basically admitting that he knows it's BS and doesn't care!
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
I'm guessing you're located in the US, based on the location of the schools. I recommend presenting your husband with statistics regarding the amount of money a single income household needs compared to what jobs meet those needs. Most jobs in this country don't provide a livable single wage, let alone family wage, and this is only getting worse with inflation. The likelihood of your daughter finding a husband who can take care of her without her help nowadays is extremely slim. It's possible, but to count on that is very dumb.
Your husband sounds very out of touch.
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That's a fucked up. Seems like he doesn't actually care about either your opinions or the future for your daughter. He's basically admitting that he knows it's BS and doesn't care!
And my daughter is sooo obsessed with him. She takes everything he says at face value. Like saying “if daddy couldn’t take care of me anymore I’ll just find a man to take care of me the way daddy does” - basically a variation of what my husband told me too. Very flower power carefree energy.
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
Anyone saying this is wrong, but a parent saying this about their own daughter is deeply disturbing to me on so many levels. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Seems like a deeper issue - there's not just your daughter with a problem, there is also her father. Maybe to try couples' counseling with your husband first?
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
That's misogynistic. He understands that, right?
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
Father of a daughter here. I think your husbands position is deplorable. I want the best for my daughter, and education gives her choices. It sets her up to be self reliant. If she chooses to go trad wife (can’t see it) then that’s her look out, but at least she’ll be to change her mind if she wants to. It’s much harder work to get these choices back in later life - get them now!
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I'm guessing you're located in the US, based on the location of the schools. I recommend presenting your husband with statistics regarding the amount of money a single income household needs compared to what jobs meet those needs. Most jobs in this country don't provide a livable single wage, let alone family wage, and this is only getting worse with inflation. The likelihood of your daughter finding a husband who can take care of her without her help nowadays is extremely slim. It's possible, but to count on that is very dumb.
Your husband sounds very out of touch.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Based on many comments in here, I get the feeling that this isn’t a logics/facts type of issue. Obviously, OP should start with that, but if/when it fails, it’s time to switch to more emotional tactics. This problem sounds a lot like some other cases where tangled emotions formed the foundation. There could be an emotional reason why these people are behaving the way they do. Find that, and you should be able to understand what you’re really dealing with. Problems like this just don’t tend to respond very well to truth, evidence, facts or logic. People are usually more or less emotional creatures, so that should be taken into account.
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
"When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
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Father of a daughter here. I think your husbands position is deplorable. I want the best for my daughter, and education gives her choices. It sets her up to be self reliant. If she chooses to go trad wife (can’t see it) then that’s her look out, but at least she’ll be to change her mind if she wants to. It’s much harder work to get these choices back in later life - get them now!
A friend told me to use daughter’s obsession with her dad to convince her: basically play the “oh, but could you imagine living so far away from him for an extended amount of time; why not study something like nursing locally and be with him”. Haven’t tried it though.
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
I almost fell for something similar. Right before enrolling I decided to go on a deeper dive and I found ample evidence of it being a diploma mill without any value whatsoever. Saved me a lot of grief.
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A friend told me to use daughter’s obsession with her dad to convince her: basically play the “oh, but could you imagine living so far away from him for an extended amount of time; why not study something like nursing locally and be with him”. Haven’t tried it though.
I’m sorry to say that I think you’re stuck while the father is being so useless. If his view is that his daughters role in life is to moon about until some guy comes along to take care of her, and she is also of the same view, then I think the best you can do is to be supportive of anything that gets her out of the house (including useless studies) and exposed to more of the world and different world views. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and husband can then support her in her new choices. You have the sympathy of a random internet stranger.
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Try to have a conversation around what this diploma "unlocks" in her life that she wants. If all she needs are a diploma to flash while witching, there are cheaper diploma mills that take less time.
Edit: Reading back it sounds like I'm being light-hearted about this. I'm not really. At some point children are adults that make bad choices that are out of your control, and the best you can do as a parent is to not alienate them by trying to prevent it but help them think things through.
That's not the same as encouraging bad decisions, but accepting them. In a year or two that thinking may be what they need to make better choices, and they will still trust you to talk things through.
I run a yet-to-be-accredited diploma for a degree in applied horse reiki if anyone wants. My course syllabus is just one sentence long:
- Don't approach the horse from behind.
All degrees are issued under a pseudonym so as to stay off the radar of the Horse Reiki Mafia.
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My daughter (high school senior) really wants to go to this university next year. She’s a great student, she could easily attend a proper college if she wanted to, but she’s into the whole witchy hippie alternative thing. This college is a legit scam, even sold the main Washington campus due to financial issues this year. Each time I try to have a conversation about the cons with her the line is “daddy will take care of me”. My husband (daddy) always takes her side (will pay her full tuition and everything). She’s the biggest daddy’s girl I’ve ever known, but at this point this is just straight up enabling bad decisions.
I think a lot of people are looking for a way out at the moment. Keep in mind, a college degree carries far less weight than it used to, and the majority of graduates are ending up in non-graduate roles. As such, college later in life might be a better option.
Why not play a different hand - find her somewhere local to work that covers that "field" so she can follow her interests. At the least, she'll pick up some transferrable skills, and won't be digging herself into debt. Worst comes to worst she enters that field with a job rather than debt (you can't stop a hurricane) - it's no worse than being a priest really.
Your partner needs a reality check - most men are not looking to be a provider, they're looking for a partner. To be very blunt, unless your daughter has won the genetic lottery, she's going to have to work for a living (like the rest of us).
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I run a yet-to-be-accredited diploma for a degree in applied horse reiki if anyone wants. My course syllabus is just one sentence long:
- Don't approach the horse from behind.
All degrees are issued under a pseudonym so as to stay off the radar of the Horse Reiki Mafia.
Does your diploma come with gold embossed lettering and a red stamp? If so I'm in.
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The craziest part is that when I talk to him about it, he says he’d agree with me if our daughter was a son; but since she’s a girl what she studies/does professionally isn’t important as she should just do what she loves since “she can just find a good husband to take care of her”.
Sounds like this might go well beyond a university choice at this point. Sorry.
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And my daughter is sooo obsessed with him. She takes everything he says at face value. Like saying “if daddy couldn’t take care of me anymore I’ll just find a man to take care of me the way daddy does” - basically a variation of what my husband told me too. Very flower power carefree energy.
that's not flower power that's just misogyny! your husband has taught your daughter to be misogynistic towards herself. i think you need a long conversation with her, you need to disillusion her from the promises of "simplicity" of such worldview, because if anything happens to make her less than perfect for "a man like daddy" then she's going to be left helpless and unable to take care of herself in the long run. and even if she finds a man to take care of her - she will be then stuck with him no matter who he turns out to be
