Am I a dick if I don't want to meet an old friend for coffee if she brings her babies along?
-
It sure sounds like OP needs to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention
I don't know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this "respect" and "being interested"
-
If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all. You aren't going to be hanging out regularly because she will have kids that need to be tended, so why push.
As a parent, we only hang out with other parents at this point, and generally only those that we have developed a relationship with via kids activities (school, sports, etc) because it's much easier to maintain that relationship when you see them 2-3 times a week for <insert sport> here, or can schedule a lunch/dinner before or after the mutual <insert kids event> here that you know you will both be attending.
If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all.
why does so many people react like this is a date?
-
YTA. People with young kids tend to socialise way less because they dont sleep and its a lot of work. When they do socialise the kids tend to be around because organising childcare is difficult to organise, can be expensive, potentially stressful for the kids. Very frequently the options are take your kids with you to socialise, or dont socialise at all. Its why new parents suddenly start socialising a lot with other parents.
And it might not be as bad as you think, depending on the kids. They may be happy entertaining themselves and sleeping, and you can have a relatively normal time until they wake up and get restless at which point the mum might decide its time for them to leave. Or they could be crying and screaming the whole time.
tldr: you are the asshole if you don't want to meet. people with young kids need you, they deserve meeting with you! look how lonely they are, you cannot just decline!
-
I don't know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this "respect" and "being interested"
Well that's exactly my point. If you're ready to compete for attention with a newborn and a toddler, I'd say you're not approaching the situation with respect and genuine interest for the other adult.
-
Well that's exactly my point. If you're ready to compete for attention with a newborn and a toddler, I'd say you're not approaching the situation with respect and genuine interest for the other adult.
who said this is a competition? this makes no sense. respect is not a one way street. if the parent can't pay attention to the person they wanted to meet with, that's not quite respectful. your initial comment indicates clearly that OP does not deserve attention and respect in your opinion, and that it is only OP (who was given the offer) who must pay attention to their partner
-
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
She's handling two kids under five years old?
You're not 'showing up for coffee' you're providing a needed mental health break.
-
tldr: you are the asshole if you don't want to meet. people with young kids need you, they deserve meeting with you! look how lonely they are, you cannot just decline!
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Holy misinterpretation batman! Its fine to not want to meet. OP seems to think its rude that someone with a baby can't just dump them somewhere so they can meet up for adults only coffee. Its the indignation that makes them the asshole.
-
If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all.
why does so many people react like this is a date?
Because friendships as parents are essentially just that, you have limited time to out into friends so you have to be selective.
-
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.
Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.
-
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
I'm not a fan of kids either. But hey...guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of "being a selfish asshole".
The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are "going to be the focus of the occasion" (your words), shows that what you lack isn't "enthusiasm about catching up with someone". What you lack is basic human empathy.
-
I don't know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this "respect" and "being interested"
wrote on last edited by [email protected]You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn't mean she's not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP's deal (and yours, apparently)
It's not the "doesn't like kids" aspect that makes them the asshole. Hell, I don't like kids. It's the "I'm competing for that person's 100% attention" when I "grace them with my presence" mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
-
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
Why waste time spending time with someone you don't care about?
If it was a friend, that'd be a different story.
The kids aren't even a part of the decision here. -
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
No. You are not a dick.
Your colleague is.
Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do. -
No. You are not a dick.
Your colleague is.
Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do.I don't even think the colleague is a dick. OP doesn't like kids so they wouldn't want to do this, no problem. Colleage has kids and wants to meet up but has to bring kids, that doesn't make them a dick. It's just their circumstance at the moment. I have kids, if I want to go out with friends I either make sure they are OK with it or find someone to watch them. If a friend reached out to me and wants to hang out but I have nobody to watch the kids then I'm not a dick for saying if you want to then I have to bring the kids.
You always have the right to say no. It doesn't make anyone a dick.
-
No. You are not a dick.
Your colleague is.
Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do.How is she a dick for having two children???
-
An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.
I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
Just tell her you don't want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you're even remotely interested in being her friend.
-
She's handling two kids under five years old?
You're not 'showing up for coffee' you're providing a needed mental health break.
Exactly this. People will have kids then expect other people to help out because "it takes a village". Fuck that, figure out who's willing to be in your village, THEN have kids.
-
Because friendships as parents are essentially just that, you have limited time to out into friends so you have to be selective.
but you're not going to live with them. you don't have to abandon an old acquaintance just because they have kids and you are not interested in the kids.. it's not like they are physically attached to them inseparably.
if they can put the kids to the grandparents or the SO can be with them, then why not accept the offer? and if not, like here, just politely decline if you really don't want to deal with the situation. but you don't have to alienate yourself at all costs because they have kids.
-
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn't mean she's not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP's deal (and yours, apparently)
It's not the "doesn't like kids" aspect that makes them the asshole. Hell, I don't like kids. It's the "I'm competing for that person's 100% attention" when I "grace them with my presence" mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn't mean she's not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP's deal (and yours, apparently)
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
I "grace them with my presence" mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
-
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn't mean she's not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP's deal (and yours, apparently)
It's not the "doesn't like kids" aspect that makes them the asshole. Hell, I don't like kids. It's the "I'm competing for that person's 100% attention" when I "grace them with my presence" mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn't mean she's not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP's deal (and yours, apparently)
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
I "grace them with my presence" mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
