30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

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I just want to say that this was a really well written and thoughtful reply.

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Sucks to hear that mate. Unfortunately with most breakups, many/most shared friends will “pick a side”, either by feeling like they need you or by being asked to by 1 or both of the parties. For whatever reason it sounds like your ex got most of them - possibly by lying about the relationship and break up, as cheaters tend to lie a lot.

You have to think of it this way - if this is how they behave, they weren’t real friends in the first place and you’re better off without them. It might not feel like it, but you’re better off without them.

It sounds cliche but hit the gym, unfollow and BLOCK her on everything, and invest in YOU. You’ll quickly make new friends when you want to 1 again, the gym is great for this. Working out makes you feel good, will make you healthier and better looking, and the people there are generally there for the same reasons.

I’ve been told, and from personal experience it seems right, that it generally takes about 3 years to get over someone you loved after a break up. It might suck till then, but one day you’ll just realize you don’t have any feelings at all towards them any more.

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It's really hard to know why people haven't been supportive without knowing you and them better. But how do you know and interact with these folks? Do you have them over for drinks? Play games online? Do they all know each other? Did they know you or your ex first?

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My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)

What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.

It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.

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37m going through it now. Mutual aid groups have been supporting me and providing me with community.

Its likely those people just weren't your friends or even gave a shit about your situation.

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What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?

I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.

Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.

When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.

Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.

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Hey, if it's working don't change it

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I fell into alt right

That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.

I don't know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.

I got out of that shit.

Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I'm sorry you went down that rabbit hole.

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You're a man. No one has ever, or will ever care about you. That's how it works.

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I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I'm lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.

You're doing a heavier lift than I had to. I'd have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you're on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.

I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says "she" once but don't get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.

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My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

This is the reason why. Your ex has managed to control the narrative and has manipulated the social atmosphere to ice you out. Emotional abusers are often very good at this. They mamipulate everyone around them.

And they are really good at choosing their abuse victims. They know who they can love bomb, who they can isolate, and who will keep their mouth shut.

I have been there. Watched people I thought were friends just evaporate, choosing their relationship with my ex over me. Realizing they were never my friends, they were "ours", and ij the end they stuck by her, the more openly social and boistrous one.

It's taken a long time, and many different therapists, but I've come to accept my experiences as abuse, as not my fault, and... sometimes... that I am worthy of love, friendship, and happiness.

I have found the books The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (available as audio books), as well as videos on toxic shame and attachment by Heidi Prieb, very helpful.

I know the words feel hollow, because they feel so far the opposite of true, but you are not alone. Many others have been through what you've endured, and have made it out the other side. There are people out there who will, one day, be so very glad to have you in their lives.

Some day, when you're ready -- and much earlier than I did, I implore you -- you should join some activity groups. Take up a recreational sport, join a gaming group, take group acting lessons, join a choir... anything that is a) casual and b) a group activity. Bonus points if it's something you always enjoyed, buy your ex tried to excise from your life. This will help you rebuild your social network, and let you reconnect with yourself.

Physical activity and a healthy diet is also important here. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it actively helps fight all of your worst psychic injuries. Not only is it physiologically good for you, it's psychologicallly good for you. You know that it's good for you; your brain knows it. Doing healthy things means choosing to care about yourself. You need to actively choose yourself at every step of the way. It trains your mind to see yourself as worthy of care.

Oh, and ritually burn things that were hers, or that were shared and tied to your relationship. You don't need them. You don't need her. You're going to be better off without her.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this, even with support coping with a divorce and abuse is an extremely tall order. I've not been through that exactly, but as someone who's been cheated on before, and has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation a couple of times, just know that she doesn't deserve that degree of control over you. You're worth more than that, and suicide isn't a good answer. Pain is not worth your long term happiness, no matter what it tells you. I know it's hard in your darkest moments, but you have to push back.

I'm glad you're in counseling, don't be afraid if you need to get with a psych and get medication to help more, even just short term to get you over the hump. Not saying you need to, I just know some people are reluctant to take meds, but they can help sometimes.

I hope they come around though. You deserve support, and it's shitty that your friends aren't helping. This is a bit rambly, I guess the core message is you're worthwhile, you aren't a bad person, and suicide isn't a good solution.

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OP, are you OK? I hope you're ok. It sucks what you're going through and it is hard. You got this. ️

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Holy shit man, reading your story was just slightly diffrent than mine. Like looking into a mirror.

My partner broke up with me 5 months ago, we've been together for 11 years with a kid of 5 years old.

I lost it a couple weeks ago now and had to be checked into a mental facility. My sister is helping my ex and long story short no one is on my side. I have one friend and my Mum doing her best to help, but if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you dude.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks getting no to little support and being betrayed like this. Please if you're in a bad head space, I'll be here for you and do my best to get back ASAP.

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My therapist used to say feelings are not facts. And that has always stuck with me. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've been where you are now. It was a rough year, and there were rough times long after the divorce was finalized. It took me a while, but I picked myself up, found new friends, and got back out there. The best thing you can do for yourself is do things you love to do, and try to meet new people. Staying in your house and ruminating on all the ways your life sucks is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself. Keep your head up, there are people out there that do care about you, and probably many more who will once they get to know you. You just need to find them.

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I’m sure I’ll be downvoted to oblivion for this, but give ChatGPT or local LLMs a try for support. They are surprisingly effective, just keep the perspective that they’re about as alive as a screwdriver. They’re not alive and can’t form emotional or other bonds with you. Working through issues or thought processes or needed some base level support, they seem pretty decent at. Maybe it could limp you along to a building a support network.

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If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago.
I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.

And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you're treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.

It is what it is.

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There are friends and friends of convenience. Real friends stay by your side. The others show their colors eventually. I’m sorry for you but you’ll find real friends going forward.

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If it's been that long and it's still getting worse, you should see your PCP or a psychiatrist if you haven't already. There are many treatments for depression, and a doctor can help identify underlying medical causes that could be contributing.

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My man, i know I am just a random internet person, but please let me (at least virtually) hug you. I mean it.

A divorce is trully a tough process, and you have the right to feel affected by it. You are not "exagerating" things or being unreasonable. So don't think that they are right when the say "simply get over it".

Having said that, I please ask you not to take any strong decision right now, we (all humans) don't think correctly when we are severely affected by emotions. That's simply the human nature. So try by all means to invest in yourself, therapy, gym, read philosophy (Stoicism is a good start), observe life, therapy again, learn something new, maybe move to a different city to mark a new start...

The sun will absolutely shine again, and you will be proud of yourself for your growth and for having gathered strenghts when there were none.

You can do this. This feeling is not permanent. Please remember that.

Again, a huge hug for you, my fellow human. You can pass this chapter.

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30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?