30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

[melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

Hey, if it's working don't change it

[hobbitfoot@thelemmy.club]

I fell into alt right

That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.

I don't know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.

I got out of that shit.

Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I'm sorry you went down that rabbit hole.

[captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works]

You're a man. No one has ever, or will ever care about you. That's how it works.

[superears@lemmy.world]

I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I'm lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.

You're doing a heavier lift than I had to. I'd have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you're on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.

I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says "she" once but don't get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.

[kichae@lemmy.ca]

My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

This is the reason why. Your ex has managed to control the narrative and has manipulated the social atmosphere to ice you out. Emotional abusers are often very good at this. They mamipulate everyone around them.

And they are really good at choosing their abuse victims. They know who they can love bomb, who they can isolate, and who will keep their mouth shut.

I have been there. Watched people I thought were friends just evaporate, choosing their relationship with my ex over me. Realizing they were never my friends, they were "ours", and ij the end they stuck by her, the more openly social and boistrous one.

It's taken a long time, and many different therapists, but I've come to accept my experiences as abuse, as not my fault, and... sometimes... that I am worthy of love, friendship, and happiness.

I have found the books The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (available as audio books), as well as videos on toxic shame and attachment by Heidi Prieb, very helpful.

I know the words feel hollow, because they feel so far the opposite of true, but you are not alone. Many others have been through what you've endured, and have made it out the other side. There are people out there who will, one day, be so very glad to have you in their lives.

Some day, when you're ready -- and much earlier than I did, I implore you -- you should join some activity groups. Take up a recreational sport, join a gaming group, take group acting lessons, join a choir... anything that is a) casual and b) a group activity. Bonus points if it's something you always enjoyed, buy your ex tried to excise from your life. This will help you rebuild your social network, and let you reconnect with yourself.

Physical activity and a healthy diet is also important here. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it actively helps fight all of your worst psychic injuries. Not only is it physiologically good for you, it's psychologicallly good for you. You know that it's good for you; your brain knows it. Doing healthy things means choosing to care about yourself. You need to actively choose yourself at every step of the way. It trains your mind to see yourself as worthy of care.

Oh, and ritually burn things that were hers, or that were shared and tied to your relationship. You don't need them. You don't need her. You're going to be better off without her.

[toomanypancakes@lemmy.world]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, even with support coping with a divorce and abuse is an extremely tall order. I've not been through that exactly, but as someone who's been cheated on before, and has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation a couple of times, just know that she doesn't deserve that degree of control over you. You're worth more than that, and suicide isn't a good answer. Pain is not worth your long term happiness, no matter what it tells you. I know it's hard in your darkest moments, but you have to push back.

I'm glad you're in counseling, don't be afraid if you need to get with a psych and get medication to help more, even just short term to get you over the hump. Not saying you need to, I just know some people are reluctant to take meds, but they can help sometimes.

I hope they come around though. You deserve support, and it's shitty that your friends aren't helping. This is a bit rambly, I guess the core message is you're worthwhile, you aren't a bad person, and suicide isn't a good solution.

[serotoninswells@lemmy.world]

OP, are you OK? I hope you're ok. It sucks what you're going through and it is hard. You got this. ️

[saintowlpizza25@lemm.ee]

Holy shit man, reading your story was just slightly diffrent than mine. Like looking into a mirror.

My partner broke up with me 5 months ago, we've been together for 11 years with a kid of 5 years old.

I lost it a couple weeks ago now and had to be checked into a mental facility. My sister is helping my ex and long story short no one is on my side. I have one friend and my Mum doing her best to help, but if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you dude.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks getting no to little support and being betrayed like this. Please if you're in a bad head space, I'll be here for you and do my best to get back ASAP.

[nocturnalmorning@lemmy.world]

My therapist used to say feelings are not facts. And that has always stuck with me. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've been where you are now. It was a rough year, and there were rough times long after the divorce was finalized. It took me a while, but I picked myself up, found new friends, and got back out there. The best thing you can do for yourself is do things you love to do, and try to meet new people. Staying in your house and ruminating on all the ways your life sucks is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself. Keep your head up, there are people out there that do care about you, and probably many more who will once they get to know you. You just need to find them.

[notfromhere@lemmy.ml]

I’m sure I’ll be downvoted to oblivion for this, but give ChatGPT or local LLMs a try for support. They are surprisingly effective, just keep the perspective that they’re about as alive as a screwdriver. They’re not alive and can’t form emotional or other bonds with you. Working through issues or thought processes or needed some base level support, they seem pretty decent at. Maybe it could limp you along to a building a support network.

[luigimaofrance@lemmy.ml]

If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago.
I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.

And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you're treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.

It is what it is.

[stoly@lemmy.world]

There are friends and friends of convenience. Real friends stay by your side. The others show their colors eventually. I’m sorry for you but you’ll find real friends going forward.

[chastity2323@midwest.social]

If it's been that long and it's still getting worse, you should see your PCP or a psychiatrist if you haven't already. There are many treatments for depression, and a doctor can help identify underlying medical causes that could be contributing.

[double_quack@lemm.ee]

My man, i know I am just a random internet person, but please let me (at least virtually) hug you. I mean it.

A divorce is trully a tough process, and you have the right to feel affected by it. You are not "exagerating" things or being unreasonable. So don't think that they are right when the say "simply get over it".

Having said that, I please ask you not to take any strong decision right now, we (all humans) don't think correctly when we are severely affected by emotions. That's simply the human nature. So try by all means to invest in yourself, therapy, gym, read philosophy (Stoicism is a good start), observe life, therapy again, learn something new, maybe move to a different city to mark a new start...

The sun will absolutely shine again, and you will be proud of yourself for your growth and for having gathered strenghts when there were none.

You can do this. This feeling is not permanent. Please remember that.

Again, a huge hug for you, my fellow human. You can pass this chapter.

[double_quack@lemm.ee]

They are, though. A good "wall" to bounce thought at. Many times helping you to see things from a different perspective. AKA, assisting you in a self-reflective process.

Walls are not alive, but they can help in bouncing the balls we through at them, and evon when that's not like playing an actual game, it is still a good exercise.

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

Bro. I am gonna be real with you.

I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.

It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.

It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.

It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.

I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.

But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

5 months? Are you kidding me? I'm at 5 years, and it's still stinging despite intense therapy and medications.

This shit is not quick. It's grief. His relationship, all that 9 years of marriage, etc. died. He might still need it, sure. But that is not what we're looking at here.

[drusas@fedia.io]

That statistic seems awfully high. I don't suppose you recall where you read it?

[drusas@fedia.io]

Stop spreading this bullshit.

[whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world]

A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.

This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.

Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.

A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.