30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

Bro. I am gonna be real with you.

I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.

It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.

It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.

It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.

I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.

But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

5 months? Are you kidding me? I'm at 5 years, and it's still stinging despite intense therapy and medications.

This shit is not quick. It's grief. His relationship, all that 9 years of marriage, etc. died. He might still need it, sure. But that is not what we're looking at here.

[drusas@fedia.io]

That statistic seems awfully high. I don't suppose you recall where you read it?

[drusas@fedia.io]

Stop spreading this bullshit.

[whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world]

A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.

This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.

Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.

A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

You know, I can't seem to find it right now.

It was in a paper discussing "Immediate effects of Post-Infidelity-Stress-Disorder".

I was also given a similar number after my attempt (1/3rd of men)

[chastity2323@midwest.social]

OP says he has had progressively worsening suicidal ideation for 5 months. Seeing a doctor is an incredibly reasonable thing to do in that situation. Not sure why my suggestion upset you so much.

[fistingenthusiast@lemmynsfw.com]

Well,

You've got some support right here

Stay strong

[initiateofthevoid@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

I feel like it's weird to say "the left isn't doing enough for men" when the left is full of men who are struggling with the same thing. They grew up in the same society, filled with the same outdated "suck it up" mentality.

So I appreciate you calling out the issue of younger men not being in a place to listen to women, and the issue of men in general not being in a place to emotionally support their fellow men. It's not a left vs right thing, it's that most men are simply ill-equipped to handle emotional labor due to these outdated cultural norms, and yet those same men are naturally the primary providers of support for other similarly ill-equipped men.

Just because the alt right is pretending to care about the needs of men doesn't mean the left is worse at this. The alt right isn't standing up for men, they're using vulnerable men as a means to an end, and replacing "suck it up" with "blame women and leftists". They're not telling you how to truly process your emotions with patience and care, they're just shifting the blame.

There's plenty of men on the left that serve as excellent role models, they just don't spend their time constantly talking about their gender, because a large part of evolving past these outdated cultural norms about gender is actually moving past these cultural norms about gender.

This means viewing people and their problems as human first before viewing them as <insert gender>. The majority of people who constantly fill the airwaves about "what it's like to be a man" are actually just men who are still desperately clinging to those same self-destructive norms. They perpetuate this divide between genders, and leave their fellow men feeling alone and misunderstood and vulnerable to manipulation.

[triptrapper@lemmy.world]

I'd like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don't provide emotional support besides "they're not your friends." They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we'll be left without any at all.

I'm not saying it's wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.

[supervisor194@lemmy.world]

Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

[initiateofthevoid@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

But I'm afraid I don't have a mental health issue and the thoughts of suicide come from a place of logic.

I am sorry to say that there is no logic behind suicide.

Logically speaking - that is, without emotions - death is not inherently better than life. There is no logical value added by death. You don't need to choose to live, it just happens on its own. Trust me, it's surprisingly hard to just wither away. The body doesn't want to stop.

You would need to choose to die. If it is not inherently better to die than to live, then it is illogical to choose to do something that you do not have any reason to do.

It is only emotion that changes the equation. Emotionally speaking, it sounds like you currently feel that death would be better than life.

But it does not sound like you wanted to die before this year. At least, not nearly like this. If you did not feel this way before, than there is no logical reason to think you will always feel this way later.

It is therefore only temporary, it is only emotional, and it is exclusively a mental health issue that can be resolved with time and effort.

[sartalon@lemmy.world]

I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.

I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.

I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.

It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don't feel the same about you and then realize you don't even know who you are anymore.

Are you even someone without this person?

Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.

I'm sorry you don't have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.

Please stay strong. Please keep looking.

Please find yourself again.

[nucleative@lemmy.world]

Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.

I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.

In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.

The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.

It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.

We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.

[match@pawb.social]

It's not too late to change your life and live better. You can still get a happy life.

[secretlyaddictedtolinux@lemmy.world]

People who are depressed often are unable to adhere to unwritten cultural social rules.

People in theory like to see themselves as supportive, but still will not react well to people violating unwritten cultural norms.

Example:

"i am so sad, this awful thing happen."

"Don't worry bro, it will get better, just pump iron and time will heal all. Hey do you want to see a funny video of my dog trying to bark at a roomba?"

(Awkward silence, breaking social rule of reciprocity) (long pause) "sure..."

(Video of dog)

(No laughter or comments, breaking rule that friends are supposed to be fun, react to things)

Result: next time depressed guy calls, "bro" will be too busy to pick up

Because people want to think of themselves as reliable and always there and supporting mental health, "bro" will never admit to himself the reason he is doing this, nor will it even be logically articulated. Instead he'll think "i feel bad but im so busy lately" and just not take the call or forget to answer

This is completely in contrast with someone who is slightly depressed or dealing with something slightly difficult but not actually that depressed and able to adhere to social norms. For that person, they will get tons of superficial sound-bite support in between other normal acceptable activities and conversations. The "supporter" feels like a super hero for caring about mental health, and really it's just two people hanging out, neither of whom really have major mental health issues.

I would suggest if you are really brutally clinically depressed, do not interact that much with your network until you are feeling a bit better because people are that shallow sometimes. Instead, do things like volunteer at community organizations in which more hands on deck is good, and if you cancel it's not a big deal. (ie making food for homeless people)

Also the truth is many people are shitty in general. I don't think this is something caused by you. I also think that much of the advice about mental health and depression is about making paychiatrists and mental health professionals look good and people feel good.

things like "talk about your mental health issues" and "help is available" and "prioritize mental health" all feel like lies that make other people feel better. But what if instead the truth was told? "Prioritize having food and being able to pay rent. Do not talk about your mental health issues ever except to trained professionals. Help is available and horrendously expensive; if you can cry and be sad 6 months and then go back to normal without rip-off doctors and professionals, you are much better off."

So it's not you at all. People are assholes and the mental health industry gives lucrative self-serving advice to glorify and protect the industry while screwing over people who would be better helped by the truth.

[alecsadler@sh.itjust.works]

I don't have any great advice, I'm sorry. But if you live in Oregon I'll totally buy you a beer and listen to your story.

[bradorsomething@ttrpg.network]

I got love bombed and stripped of my support network over time. After the divorce it took about 5 years to rebuild my friend network. She’s still the same as she ever was. I kept being myself, and I’ve bloomed as a strong member of my community and my life is much better than coming home to play a grey man for a narcissist.

It. Will. Get. Better. Celebrate the freedom from a bad situation. Be who you are, and the best version of that. I spent days crying in the beginning, but I went through it and I’m strong now. Hopefully you find that seed in yourself as well.

[felixwhynot@lemmy.world]

I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet

[crackhappy@lemmy.world]

Are you ok?