30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

[triptrapper@lemmy.world]

I'd like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don't provide emotional support besides "they're not your friends." They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we'll be left without any at all.

I'm not saying it's wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.

[supervisor194@lemmy.world]

Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

[initiateofthevoid@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

But I'm afraid I don't have a mental health issue and the thoughts of suicide come from a place of logic.

I am sorry to say that there is no logic behind suicide.

Logically speaking - that is, without emotions - death is not inherently better than life. There is no logical value added by death. You don't need to choose to live, it just happens on its own. Trust me, it's surprisingly hard to just wither away. The body doesn't want to stop.

You would need to choose to die. If it is not inherently better to die than to live, then it is illogical to choose to do something that you do not have any reason to do.

It is only emotion that changes the equation. Emotionally speaking, it sounds like you currently feel that death would be better than life.

But it does not sound like you wanted to die before this year. At least, not nearly like this. If you did not feel this way before, than there is no logical reason to think you will always feel this way later.

It is therefore only temporary, it is only emotional, and it is exclusively a mental health issue that can be resolved with time and effort.

[sartalon@lemmy.world]

I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.

I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.

I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.

It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don't feel the same about you and then realize you don't even know who you are anymore.

Are you even someone without this person?

Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.

I'm sorry you don't have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.

Please stay strong. Please keep looking.

Please find yourself again.

[nucleative@lemmy.world]

Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.

I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.

In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.

The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.

It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.

We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.

[match@pawb.social]

It's not too late to change your life and live better. You can still get a happy life.

[secretlyaddictedtolinux@lemmy.world]

People who are depressed often are unable to adhere to unwritten cultural social rules.

People in theory like to see themselves as supportive, but still will not react well to people violating unwritten cultural norms.

Example:

"i am so sad, this awful thing happen."

"Don't worry bro, it will get better, just pump iron and time will heal all. Hey do you want to see a funny video of my dog trying to bark at a roomba?"

(Awkward silence, breaking social rule of reciprocity) (long pause) "sure..."

(Video of dog)

(No laughter or comments, breaking rule that friends are supposed to be fun, react to things)

Result: next time depressed guy calls, "bro" will be too busy to pick up

Because people want to think of themselves as reliable and always there and supporting mental health, "bro" will never admit to himself the reason he is doing this, nor will it even be logically articulated. Instead he'll think "i feel bad but im so busy lately" and just not take the call or forget to answer

This is completely in contrast with someone who is slightly depressed or dealing with something slightly difficult but not actually that depressed and able to adhere to social norms. For that person, they will get tons of superficial sound-bite support in between other normal acceptable activities and conversations. The "supporter" feels like a super hero for caring about mental health, and really it's just two people hanging out, neither of whom really have major mental health issues.

I would suggest if you are really brutally clinically depressed, do not interact that much with your network until you are feeling a bit better because people are that shallow sometimes. Instead, do things like volunteer at community organizations in which more hands on deck is good, and if you cancel it's not a big deal. (ie making food for homeless people)

Also the truth is many people are shitty in general. I don't think this is something caused by you. I also think that much of the advice about mental health and depression is about making paychiatrists and mental health professionals look good and people feel good.

things like "talk about your mental health issues" and "help is available" and "prioritize mental health" all feel like lies that make other people feel better. But what if instead the truth was told? "Prioritize having food and being able to pay rent. Do not talk about your mental health issues ever except to trained professionals. Help is available and horrendously expensive; if you can cry and be sad 6 months and then go back to normal without rip-off doctors and professionals, you are much better off."

So it's not you at all. People are assholes and the mental health industry gives lucrative self-serving advice to glorify and protect the industry while screwing over people who would be better helped by the truth.

[alecsadler@sh.itjust.works]

I don't have any great advice, I'm sorry. But if you live in Oregon I'll totally buy you a beer and listen to your story.

[bradorsomething@ttrpg.network]

I got love bombed and stripped of my support network over time. After the divorce it took about 5 years to rebuild my friend network. She’s still the same as she ever was. I kept being myself, and I’ve bloomed as a strong member of my community and my life is much better than coming home to play a grey man for a narcissist.

It. Will. Get. Better. Celebrate the freedom from a bad situation. Be who you are, and the best version of that. I spent days crying in the beginning, but I went through it and I’m strong now. Hopefully you find that seed in yourself as well.

[felixwhynot@lemmy.world]

I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet

[crackhappy@lemmy.world]

Are you ok?

[misteloct@lemmy.dbzer0.com]

She's lying to your friends just like she lied to you. I know this from experience. Sucks and it's not your fault man. Sorry to hear.

[xektop@lemmy.world]

Friends come and go, maybe you don't feel that way now but people can learn to live not depending on anybody for their well being. You just have to find your way and new friendships with the right people will show you that there is more to life than clinging on the past. Good luck!

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

Because he's clearly suffering from PISD. Yes he needs help. He's seeing a counselor weekly. He's getting worse with that.

This, what OP is going through ? That's normal. As my therapist said, she would have been far more worried if I didn't get the thoughts.

Trauma is way harder to work through, and needs far more delicate care than depression. Depression is a symptom here, and his therapist will tell him to talk to a physician, OR if they determine he's a risk to himself, they will get him emergency care.

[peoplebeproblems@midwest.social]

Ahhh, that's the term I forgot. "Love bombing."

My ex would do these one off things unexpectedly to convince me I was important to her, then coldly ignore me the rest of the time.

[vanilla_puddinfudge@infosec.pub]

I'm three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.

It, yeah, um... yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People's immediate family and lives all take precedent.

I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I'm mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.

People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn't. Pet a cat.

[futatorius@lemm.ee]

In my case, it was different. When I first got married in my mid-20s, I moved to a different country and lost touch with most of my friends. When I got divorced at 31, suddenly all these women started dropping by to visit and hook up. Before I was married, they hadn't shown all that much interest in me. What had changed was that I had made the transition from a constantly broke musician and student to having a well-paying job, owning a flat in a good part of London and traveling a lot. So I was somewhat cynical about the sudden interest. One of the songs I'd play on my guitar and sing when they'd visit was the old Bessie Smith tune, Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out.

I ended up meeting and marrying someone I met outside my old social circle, who was as uninterested in money as I was, and who knew I was no meal ticket. We're still married over 3 decades later (and are moderately well off, despite always having followed our interests rather than chasing money).

[timeworntraveler@lemm.ee]

I dont know who you have around you, maybe they are shitty people. but I can assure you that it's not "just what guys deal with". it's taken time, but I built a support system of kind caring friends who show up. we're open and honest and vulnerable and emotional with each other. we talk on the phone and go to each other's houses.

you can build those supports too. it just takes time. ever been to a Recovery meeting?

[futatorius@lemm.ee]

I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It is a lot like a death.

I went through a divorce at 31. For me, it was more like a liberation than like a death. My ex felt the same way. We were too young when we first got together and ended up going in very different directions in our lives, though we're still close after all those years. I'm on good terms with most of my exes.

You're right about how to deal with it. In my case, I walked to a nearby pond with a friend, pronounced the ritual formula "There goes nine years of my fuckin' life" and threw the wedding ring into the pond. Then I went back home, got drunk and boned my friend. She was wonderfully supportive during the whole process.

After that, I was done with it, except for some paperwork. A quick catharsis, then I got on with my life.

And yeah, when you go through big changes, you quickly find out who your real friends are. The ones who supported me during that time, and during an earlier period when I was temporarily destitute, are still people I'm close to decades later. I don't miss the others, though I now understand that in many cases, their lack of support was due to their own problems and weaknesses, and not just a betrayal of me. But some of the people who were there for me literally gave me the shirt off their own back. And since then, I've been there for them, too, and have in some cases sent them airline tickets so we could get together again.

[x00z@lemmy.world]

Getting support is not always a given. Try to get some hobbies and new friends.