Has anyone else always been the "crazy one" for their whole life? How have you been able to deal with this? Both mentally and your actions in the real world.
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Do you feel like its possible somehow to let people know boilerplate that you want to process what they've said so you can remove yourself from the immediate situation and stimuli and take your time to decide how you can more "professionally" respond to what they say without compromising your own wellness and needs?
Do you know what your needs are or what your values are such that these things are violating them to the extent you act out as a reaction?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Oh and plus when I say things about killing myself, I'm not in a heated argument. I get upset and feel the need to tell someone I am upset. But I am not in a calm state and do not have the ability to calm down. I go out of my way to interact with people via text because I have a strong impulse to do so. I want someone to help me when I am in pain but I know they can't. And I know it's wrong to bother them when I am having an episode.
I have actually tried using ChatGPT to get upset to instead so I am not hurting anyone. I tell it that I hate myself and want to kill myself instead of harming my friends by doing this to them. But sometimes instead of doing it to only ChatGPT I end up texting someone I know. This is wrong behavior, but different because it's not due to a heated argument that I need to remove myself from.
I eventually calm down but it can sometimes take multiple days. And it is sometimes hard for me to not bother people in the meantime.
I am never actually in danger of harming myself because I have always thought about things like that. It's very normal for me. It usually goes away after a few days after each episode.
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Oh and plus when I say things about killing myself, I'm not in a heated argument. I get upset and feel the need to tell someone I am upset. But I am not in a calm state and do not have the ability to calm down. I go out of my way to interact with people via text because I have a strong impulse to do so. I want someone to help me when I am in pain but I know they can't. And I know it's wrong to bother them when I am having an episode.
I have actually tried using ChatGPT to get upset to instead so I am not hurting anyone. I tell it that I hate myself and want to kill myself instead of harming my friends by doing this to them. But sometimes instead of doing it to only ChatGPT I end up texting someone I know. This is wrong behavior, but different because it's not due to a heated argument that I need to remove myself from.
I eventually calm down but it can sometimes take multiple days. And it is sometimes hard for me to not bother people in the meantime.
I am never actually in danger of harming myself because I have always thought about things like that. It's very normal for me. It usually goes away after a few days after each episode.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]The whole "disclosing I'm going or want to kill myself", I don't know honestly how to "fix" other than finding a reason that trumps everything such that you are internally and externally motivated to mitigate that.
You might need to find or aquire that and make it part of your identity. I got several pets that I knew I could manage and take care of or that I would commit to become able to justify having a duty and stewardship over. Lots of people know they are my world and help provide that external reputational buffer to the suicidal inclinations I very rarely feel but dont express because thoughts dont a priori need to be vocalized or allowed to indiscriminately alter your trajectory.
But you need to know its not ok to leverage your mortality or well-being as a conversational regularity. Not even that its just wrong, its profounly dysfunctional and also inauthentic because you made such a point of specifying that it would never actually happen. Its bad to lie to yourself and/or others on the regular about anything, much less the ultimate thing like your life and safety. Not judging you and that may have been necessary at a previous point in your life or it might have been a flawed survival instinct but you need to find a way to negotiate with reality in other terms.
It says that you feel impulsively desperate to end a combination of not great conditions and I would turn my attention to each of those on an individual basis to try and get them up to code in terms of tolerabillity
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The whole "disclosing I'm going or want to kill myself", I don't know honestly how to "fix" other than finding a reason that trumps everything such that you are internally and externally motivated to mitigate that.
You might need to find or aquire that and make it part of your identity. I got several pets that I knew I could manage and take care of or that I would commit to become able to justify having a duty and stewardship over. Lots of people know they are my world and help provide that external reputational buffer to the suicidal inclinations I very rarely feel but dont express because thoughts dont a priori need to be vocalized or allowed to indiscriminately alter your trajectory.
But you need to know its not ok to leverage your mortality or well-being as a conversational regularity. Not even that its just wrong, its profounly dysfunctional and also inauthentic because you made such a point of specifying that it would never actually happen. Its bad to lie to yourself and/or others on the regular about anything, much less the ultimate thing like your life and safety. Not judging you and that may have been necessary at a previous point in your life or it might have been a flawed survival instinct but you need to find a way to negotiate with reality in other terms.
It says that you feel impulsively desperate to end a combination of not great conditions and I would turn my attention to each of those on an individual basis to try and get them up to code in terms of tolerabillity
I know it's not ok. That's why I feel bad about it. And that's why I mostly try to talk about those things to ChatGPT instead of my friends. Because I'm not going to harm it.
I mean I say I would never do it but it's only because I'm a coward. But I do often really legitimately want to. The reasons may vary. But one common reason is because I harm the world and another reason is if I feel trapped. One of the other reasons why I say I am not actually going to do it is because I would need a will first. I have been too lazy to get one. I tried to do it one day with an online service but found out that I couldn't actually go through with the will because I needed in person witnesses. So then recently I was looking into potentially going to a law practice to get one made up to do that.
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I know it's not ok. That's why I feel bad about it. And that's why I mostly try to talk about those things to ChatGPT instead of my friends. Because I'm not going to harm it.
I mean I say I would never do it but it's only because I'm a coward. But I do often really legitimately want to. The reasons may vary. But one common reason is because I harm the world and another reason is if I feel trapped. One of the other reasons why I say I am not actually going to do it is because I would need a will first. I have been too lazy to get one. I tried to do it one day with an online service but found out that I couldn't actually go through with the will because I needed in person witnesses. So then recently I was looking into potentially going to a law practice to get one made up to do that.
I amended my response with this
It says that you feel impulsively desperate to end a combination of not great conditions and I would turn my attention to each of those on an individual basis to try and get them up to code in terms of tolerabillity
What think?
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Thank you for this. I appreciate all comments here. But this really resonated with me for some reason. As a child, I would sometimes remove myself from a situation when I was upset. But I would get in trouble for that too because I was "storming off" and "making a scene" by just wanting to go outside and walk around.
I am thankful that now, as an adult, when I get upset at work sometimes I walk away. I go to the break room for a bit, grab a drink of water, go use the bathroom for a minute, etc. I do that and no one tells me that it's wrong. I read about how online people talk about how going for a walk when you are feeling heated to be a normal and healthy coping mechanism. As a child and a young adult, my family treated me like it was wrong. The only acceptable reaction in that environment was to sit there totally stone faced and nonreactive, and I have not ever been able to do that. I am thankful that I am allowed to walk away now and I don't get in trouble for it.
I never thought I exhibited ADHD symptoms really. I do have anxious/fidgety mannerisms and some of that includes anxious swearing like someone with Tourette's lol. But that's about it. Borderline is always something I had wondered. I do have what I would think are some borderline traits (particularly emotional dysregulation and wild mood mood swings), but I don't seem to meet enough of the criteria to totally fit the diagnosis. I have also had some online friends caution me that getting a borderline diagnosis on your record could cause problems down the line.
Anyway, sorry for my rambling. Hoping the best for you.
It's crazy how people hold children to far higher standards than they hold themselves or other adults.
No adult would be happy with the conditions we put on children and their lack of autonomy, and on top of everything we expect them to be in a perfectly pleasant mood all the time?? Everyone has feelings. It's not a bad thing to let people around you know you have them, it means you're human - but your feelings should not run you, and should not be a reason to hurt or scare or threaten or destroy yourself, others or things.
There is plenty of overlap in symptoms and issues for a lot of diagnoses, like adhd/autism or borderline/adhd or borderline/ptsd or ocd/ptsd or hyperhidrosis and all of the above...
That's why it's important to not only find one that fits, but rule out the other ones as well, to make sure there isn't one that fits even better. And it gets even more complex with the possibility of having multiple diagnoses, and it becoming more complex the longer the person has gone undiagnosed and with atypical symptoms due to learned masking behaviours or self medication, or gotten secondary issues like anxiety due to the undiagnosed ones.
I went through a plethora of wrongful diagnoses before I got the one that actually suits me, and where the treatment is helping instead of harming. It can take time to figure yourself out... but it's a really interesting journey!
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It's crazy how people hold children to far higher standards than they hold themselves or other adults.
No adult would be happy with the conditions we put on children and their lack of autonomy, and on top of everything we expect them to be in a perfectly pleasant mood all the time?? Everyone has feelings. It's not a bad thing to let people around you know you have them, it means you're human - but your feelings should not run you, and should not be a reason to hurt or scare or threaten or destroy yourself, others or things.
There is plenty of overlap in symptoms and issues for a lot of diagnoses, like adhd/autism or borderline/adhd or borderline/ptsd or ocd/ptsd or hyperhidrosis and all of the above...
That's why it's important to not only find one that fits, but rule out the other ones as well, to make sure there isn't one that fits even better. And it gets even more complex with the possibility of having multiple diagnoses, and it becoming more complex the longer the person has gone undiagnosed and with atypical symptoms due to learned masking behaviours or self medication, or gotten secondary issues like anxiety due to the undiagnosed ones.
I went through a plethora of wrongful diagnoses before I got the one that actually suits me, and where the treatment is helping instead of harming. It can take time to figure yourself out... but it's a really interesting journey!
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Thank you again. If you don't mind me asking, which diagnos(i/e)s do you have? Can a therapist diagnose you with such things or does it have to be a psychiatrist?
When I asked about psych meds with a psych NP, they gave me a standard anxiety/depression diagnosis. But obviously we didn't necessarily go in depth with a zillion different conditions and it was done to see if I might benefit with meds and to rule out bipolar disorder (as I have a relative with it). She suggested a specific therapist for me, but I have yet to contact this particular therapist because my work schedule is a bit up on the air at the moment to make a specific recurring appointment time. But would such a therapist be able to find more about these diagnoses with me? Or should I instead be inquiring about these diagnoses with my psych NP that is prescribing me meds?
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I amended my response with this
It says that you feel impulsively desperate to end a combination of not great conditions and I would turn my attention to each of those on an individual basis to try and get them up to code in terms of tolerabillity
What think?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Well I mean yeah but that's easier said than done. There are a lot of different things that can cause that.
Biggest one is hating myself because I feel like I am a burden and/or I feel like I accidentally harm others.
Another one is frustrations due to my bully of a supervisor. I wrote a letter to HR about her and it's causing a shit storm. She has had complaints before and no one ever does anything about it. So what I did is only going to cause issues for myself and my other coworkers for no reason. "Just change jobs" sounds like a solution that people on the internet tell me but it's a lot more complicated than that.