do you think freewill truly exists?
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That's actually kinda crazy to me because those "tedious conversations" are usually the highlight of my dad. It's a nice lil bit of human connection while I slog through the corporate machine
It really is different for different people! I think it also depends on how much taking you've already done: I've heard a number of people express that they run out of... talkiness? I've felt that myself. If I've done a lot of talking, I'm more likely to want to just rest, or even interact, wordlessly; at other times I cherish small talk and catch-ups.
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Meaningful.
The clue is in meaningful.
Ah, but meaning comes on many layers, some of which are hidden.
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No. Last I knew, PET (?) scans appear to indicate that decisions are reached by your unconscious mind before they're made by your conscious mind; the implication is that what you believe is you making a choice is actually you rationalizing a choice that's been made through processes that you can't directly see or affect. IF that's correct, then people are quite deterministic, as long as you know all of the inputs.
But on a practical, day-to-day basis, calling it 'free will' is a convenient fiction or shorthand. While free will may not exist, we largely believe that it does, and our perception of that in turn shapes our perception of reality. So it ends up not really mattering, strictly speaking.
I can definitely take a 'decision' that's arrived from the subconscious, analyse it consciously, and accept, modify or reject it. I'm aware many people don't do that so much. So I think the results of those scans might be just a small part of the picture of what's going on with consciousness and will.
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I guess I see small talk as gateway questions to deeper conversations. I met me wife by asking about the weather.
"Hi there! Beautiful weather we're having, isn't it?"
"Yes, perfect for marrying..."
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Shit got real in the shit post sub.
Between neurological relationship building, and predetermination, there's much to talk about!
Also, how's the weather in your area today? It's sunny with quite a wind here; had a spot of rain earlier.
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I absolutely love questions like this! My wife absolutely hates them. She often gets irritated when people ask questions about what you think.
Like when our therapist asked her "How do you think your actions contribute to your own unhappiness?"
"How do you feel about being to blame for your problems and relationship difficulties?"
"Um... >:-("
"See, you never like it when I ask about your feelings!"
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Indeed I can confirm.
Just a few days ago I pondered the life of plants and asked my wife how she thinks the death of a plant is defined if for animals (including humans of course) it's mostly the heartbeat.
So when is a plant dead?
When you see its little planty soul waft up to heaven.
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Why the fuck does everyone want to be in sustained meaningful relationships?
Because they're wonderful! And because you love someone.
Yeah, they can also go horribly wrong. I think that's true of just about everything good - the more good it is, the worse it hurts when it goes wrong. But get it right, and it's amazing.
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My partner and I both understand that free will doesn't exist but it's better for everyone if we pretend it does. And yes, a lot of our conversations are a bit like that.
Too bad you don't have the free will to change that
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I know that free will doesn't exist and I wouldn't choose to have it any other way
Too bad. I chose for free will to exist, and I'm happy with my decision.
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When I say "I hate small talk" I actually mean "please Shut up, Im really anxious and I don't know what to respond to you other that nodding and «Thats crazy»"
Understandable. And relatable.
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I can definitely take a 'decision' that's arrived from the subconscious, analyse it consciously, and accept, modify or reject it. I'm aware many people don't do that so much. So I think the results of those scans might be just a small part of the picture of what's going on with consciousness and will.
You think you're doing that. But are you? Or are things happening below the threshold of your consciousness, and your conscious brain thinks that it's the one running the show? Consciousness would be like the toddler with the toy steering wheel that thinks it's driving the car.
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I'm afraid you've missed the point. Smalltalk is about maintaining and strengthening relationship, which involves knowing about each others' lives and feelings. And it does double duty: taking the time to ask and listen is a way to express that the other person is important enough to you - i.e. to express love.
It's not the only way, and many of us don't do well at smalltalk, but it's a valuable way. And,
your thoughts revolves around topics and depth of thought suitable for small talk
Indeed! It means your thoughts have time for the other person's life and feelings.
wrote last edited by [email protected]For many, small talk does not strengthen or maintain a relationship. It is something that works for some people. Others endure it for the sake of the one who does but it doesn't hold the same role for them and is not a necessity to have a loving and healthy relationship for everyone. Just as we express and receive love differently, small talk doesn't serve the same role in everyone's life. If it does for you, that's great, hopefully you're getting what you need.
As for the double duty, that is true of all communication, whether small or not. As noted above, it may be an expression of love for some people, but it's far from universal.
Not everyone finds the smaller, and often repetitive, experiences of their day to be important or valuable and people are perfectly capable of having time for the other person's life and feelings without the focus being those smaller topics or experiences. Additionally, some people have more important/larger concerns in their day to day life than how the frappuccino from Starbucks was that morning.
It sounds like you value smalltalk in your life but may not accept that it isn't as widespread as you seem to imply. I don't doubt it does what you claim for yourself and others you know. Lastly, what one considers small talk varies greatly, topics of seeming low import may be more meaningful within the shared lives of the couple, depending on what going on.
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Anyone down for a sustained meaningful relationship? I'd really like to discuss whether happy meal toys count as gambling
No, because you can just ask and pay for the one you want.
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This post did not contain any content.wrote last edited by [email protected]
My partner and I have surprisingly little in common when it comes to interests. I like a lot of nerd stuff: homelab, 3d printing, robotics, brewing, welding, woodworking, sci-fi, etc. They like not nerd stuff: copaganda shows, murder porn (podcasts and documentaries), dog training, cooking, etc. I like metal, they like jangly indie, we both like punk. We both really love cats.
We also both hate small talk, so we only discuss what we find to be pertinent or interesting. Since we have a lot of individual interests, we actually have a lot to talk about. We just had a really great conversation on using Docker or a VM to circumvent some silly online testing issues. Otherwise, it's just comfortable silence. I really love them.
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No, because you can just ask and pay for the one you want.
That was basically my exact response when someone made the comparison. Ostensibly though, the idea is that you get a random result in your happy meal, and it's designed to encourage you to buy more to collect them all. If the only difference is in the reality of being able to essentially bribe the House, then I don't see a meaningful distinction.
I guess we're dating now. Lemme know next time you're in Kansas so we can catch a movie or something
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Anyone down for a sustained meaningful relationship? I'd really like to discuss whether happy meal toys count as gambling
no because you pay for the food not the toy the toy is just a bonus thats free
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Between neurological relationship building, and predetermination, there's much to talk about!
Also, how's the weather in your area today? It's sunny with quite a wind here; had a spot of rain earlier.
It's been pristine here! Just perfect weather. Sunny and about 75.
I was, as a teenager, a person who hated small talk. Looking back, the big things I wanted to talk about were and are important to me, but I realize that I like listening to people's thinking and let them vibe where they feel heard and happy!
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Is or is not talking about how your days went considered small talk? I literally don't know now. I'd say it's small talk.
Small talk is a way to gauge someone's mood before going for the bigger discussions
If a colleague asks me "Hi, how're you doing?" it's small talk and I'll respond something like "Oh you know, the usual." If my partner asks me "Hi, how was your day?" it's a genuine question and I will respond "That fucking dickhead at work that always plays nice and personable came around with another set of "urgent" requests and no fucking clue what he's actually asking for, whether it's possible or why I told him last week it isn't."
The difference is in how serious I take the question.
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Oh I get it, I understand better than most, it's why I make a pest of myself in these posts about the benefits of just talking to people.
It's fine if you don't like talking to strangers or making eye contact if you're fine with your present social life. I am usually ragging on people about this because we're also having some pretty serious issues with loneliness right now. And you don't get from lonely to less-lonely by avoiding the things that make you uncomfortable.
I was non-verbal for a period as a child, deeply introverted, only recently diagnosed as on the spectrum though, particularly because when I was a child there was no real understanding of autism, so when taken to a doctor they just X-rayed my brain. I learned to adapt/mask but it took a long time for me to push through social discomfort and I also thought myself like many of the people in these posts who seem absolutely spiteful against people who try to strike up conversations with strangers. Again, it's understandable if talking is uncomfortable for people, particularly if they are on the spectrum or have trauma, but we need to understand that social avoidance is an obstacle to overcome, not an identity to cherish.
Pushing through discomfort talking to people and actively making an effort to be open, to go ahead and babble nonsense, to stop being afraid of bothering people with my own autistic spiels or niche bullshit, I actually started to "get it" and understand how the game is played and from there only had strings of successes both personally and professionally. Meteoric at times.
It still took some effort, but took me until middle-age to unlock this skill-tree to even start trying to work on it, and I strongly feel like I could have had a much, much better life if I made that effort sooner, and if even one other person reading this sighs and says "Okay I'll try speaking up at the next meeting" then I've done some good because I know their lives will improve if they stick to it.
It's great that it worked out for you, and I'm happy for you, but we don't need to force everyone to fit the same mould.
