30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?
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Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.
I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.
In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.
The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.
It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.
We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.
I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It is a lot like a death.
I went through a divorce at 31. For me, it was more like a liberation than like a death. My ex felt the same way. We were too young when we first got together and ended up going in very different directions in our lives, though we're still close after all those years. I'm on good terms with most of my exes.
You're right about how to deal with it. In my case, I walked to a nearby pond with a friend, pronounced the ritual formula "There goes nine years of my fuckin' life" and threw the wedding ring into the pond. Then I went back home, got drunk and boned my friend. She was wonderfully supportive during the whole process.
After that, I was done with it, except for some paperwork. A quick catharsis, then I got on with my life.
And yeah, when you go through big changes, you quickly find out who your real friends are. The ones who supported me during that time, and during an earlier period when I was temporarily destitute, are still people I'm close to decades later. I don't miss the others, though I now understand that in many cases, their lack of support was due to their own problems and weaknesses, and not just a betrayal of me. But some of the people who were there for me literally gave me the shirt off their own back. And since then, I've been there for them, too, and have in some cases sent them airline tickets so we could get together again.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Getting support is not always a given. Try to get some hobbies and new friends.
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I feel like it's weird to say "the left isn't doing enough for men" when the left is full of men who are struggling with the same thing. They grew up in the same society, filled with the same outdated "suck it up" mentality.
So I appreciate you calling out the issue of younger men not being in a place to listen to women, and the issue of men in general not being in a place to emotionally support their fellow men. It's not a left vs right thing, it's that most men are simply ill-equipped to handle emotional labor due to these outdated cultural norms, and yet those same men are naturally the primary providers of support for other similarly ill-equipped men.
Just because the alt right is pretending to care about the needs of men doesn't mean the left is worse at this. The alt right isn't standing up for men, they're using vulnerable men as a means to an end, and replacing "suck it up" with "blame women and leftists". They're not telling you how to truly process your emotions with patience and care, they're just shifting the blame.
There's plenty of men on the left that serve as excellent role models, they just don't spend their time constantly talking about their gender, because a large part of evolving past these outdated cultural norms about gender is actually moving past these cultural norms about gender.
This means viewing people and their problems as human first before viewing them as <insert gender>. The majority of people who constantly fill the airwaves about "what it's like to be a man" are actually just men who are still desperately clinging to those same self-destructive norms. They perpetuate this divide between genders, and leave their fellow men feeling alone and misunderstood and vulnerable to manipulation.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]It definitely is not a left vs right thing. The context of my comment was simply "a response to the alt-right pipeline." That's the most that political alignment matters in this situation.
Is the advice in my comment wrong? I'm a woman who's been watching the alt-right chew up and spit out boys for a while. My power to do anything about it is limited, because (if online) as soon as such a young man learns that I'm female, they have a ready-made reason to ignore everything I say. If in-person, they would dismiss me before I even speak. I do a lot of activism and speaking to build community and support local causes, but this is one arena that I can't even enter. The nature of this issue invalidates me from the get-go.
What else can I do except encourage men to step up and do the activism that I wish I could do?
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Younger dudes who haven't gone through shit aren't able to empathize with what you are going through. They don't have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.
With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.
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I'd like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don't provide emotional support besides "they're not your friends." They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we'll be left without any at all.
I'm not saying it's wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.”
Some were not really my friends, some had problems of their own, some were just weak (or avoidant). The only ones I still blame are the hypocrites in the first category.
I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
I think 12-step programs are a cultish load of bullshit, but one part that I did apply in my life is making amends. I've reconnected with a number of people I've wronged and acknowledged that they didn't deserve it, and I've had some deep conversations with people whom I felt wronged by. But there are also people I've frozen out with no way back, and others who, if our paths crossed, would be met with conflict. Those who didn't help me when I was down, that's one thing. Forgiveness is possible. But the ones who went out of their way to put the boot in during that time, that's something else entirely. I don't dwell on those occasions, I don't seek those people out, but I wouldn't let it pass, either.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
It’s how it goes. Same thing happened to me at 30, it sucks. Just be happy you don’t have kids together I’m guessing, then you’ll be connected forever attending weddings and graduations. Time to make a clean break and move on, not worth your time to dwell on the past.
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I fell into alt right
That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.
I don't know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.
I got out of that shit.
Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I'm sorry you went down that rabbit hole.
I place a lot of blame on myself for how things turned out but I'm pretty sure the reality is that I am not that person at all and would have never made said mistakes if she wasn't so mean to me.
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Younger dudes who haven't gone through shit aren't able to empathize with what you are going through. They don't have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.
With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.
Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
The latte,.been there done that 30 years ago albeit I keft (no cheating involved)
Good licwk amd hope u can come out the other side and not be bitter.
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Stop spreading this bullshit.
Mad about reality?
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It definitely is not a left vs right thing. The context of my comment was simply "a response to the alt-right pipeline." That's the most that political alignment matters in this situation.
Is the advice in my comment wrong? I'm a woman who's been watching the alt-right chew up and spit out boys for a while. My power to do anything about it is limited, because (if online) as soon as such a young man learns that I'm female, they have a ready-made reason to ignore everything I say. If in-person, they would dismiss me before I even speak. I do a lot of activism and speaking to build community and support local causes, but this is one arena that I can't even enter. The nature of this issue invalidates me from the get-go.
What else can I do except encourage men to step up and do the activism that I wish I could do?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Not at all, I meant it when I said I appreciated your comment! I was just adding my own thoughts to the conversation.
It's really hard for most people - man or woman - to make any headway in this arena precisely becase of the points you made. These poor men are very effectively primed to only respond well to traditionally masculine role models and talking points, and yet it is that very same traditional masculinity that is holding them back.
I just wanted to clarify in the context of the OP why they might feel like "the left isn't doing enough," and why that is actually just a part of the alt-right pipeline working as designed.
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Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Seconding this. Because let's face it, there absolutely is a pattern of women assuming the man is at fault and sticking with that assumption.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.
I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.
Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.
It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.
We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Hey homie, I see you're a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I'd be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that's your speed. Serious offer - if it's of interest don't hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you're not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox
There's a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it's a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were "both of your friends"; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying "bro, get over it". Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.
I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don't know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you've shared, that's how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You're worth more than that.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Hey man. That sounds insanely hard, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it alone without support.
Just want to say that I've had a similar experience. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago at 27, I was and still very much am so frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken by the lack of support around me. My family and friends didn't reach out in any way, acted like nothing was happening, I was dealing with it on my own, without so much as a "how are you doing?".
I don't have much to offer you, I don't have answers. But I know when I went posting online looking for some, the solidarity of others with similar experiences helped keep me sane.
I'm a nice, good looking, talented young dude. It's not me, it's not you. At least for me, I happened to grow up in a culture where men don't show feelings or need support. My girlfriend gets more support for dealing with my condition. It frustrates and saddens me beyond belief.
The small solace I've had is that I've been given the gift of knowledge through this experience. I've dealt with my mortality very young, and have a perspective on life my friends couldn't have yet. There are others that get it, and you'll find them. I lost who I thought were my close friends but gained close friends out of people I rarely thought of as friends at all.
People suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish. A lot of people do care but you can literally get cancer and they won't break social norms to show it. Don't take time waiting for these people. In my experience, the cancer wasn't the hardest part. It was this part of losing all my friends and family. People don't want to be around hard stuff.
Good luck, keep yourself grounded. It's not you, it's our broken and fucked up society. Find those that have dealt with these things, and focus on the dumb, small things that make you happy. I'm rooting for you.
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Why do you assume that OP only has/had male friends?
Women are also fed lies that men don't need emotional support. Also, women are told constantly that men don't want to be friends with them and only want sex.
So there's a good chance his friends that are women think he's not having a hard time and/or he wants to sleep with them instead of talk.
I'm sorry OP that you are going through this. The advice to join an in person hobby or interest group is probably best. (To supplement your therapy)
Also, it's also entirely possible, since it's been 5 months, that everyone is overwhelmed with life and the world. I know I've not reached out as often to my friends the last 6 months (I'm stressed by country and the grief of losing my dad a few months ago.)
Also you say it seems like everyone is supporting your ex. Are they really? Or is she holding them hostage with her drama and steamrolling into their lives?
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
wrote on last edited by [email protected]Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.
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I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
I'm sorry to tell you but most likely you were demonised, othered and outed. If i were to guess from experience, these people were told your ex's side of the story where she could justify everything without being contested.
I'm also sorry that you have shitty people around you if you're not getting any support from your expected former best friends.
Please please don't kill yourself. I've been through a similar situation myself and I can tell you that it does get better. Keeping clean (free of drugs) and being around people helps. Join your local hackspace or just any hobby group of your liking that does meetings regularly in your area. I have made a lot of friends though my local hackspace (granted, this was when i felt more ready). I'm certain you can rebuild your circle too bro.
I know i'm an online face but if you would like to play some multiplayer games sometimes and chat, feel free to send a DM.
It's going to be OK, brother. I'll check up on you later so keep a look out, yeah? Take care of yourself.
