30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

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Mad about reality?

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Not at all, I meant it when I said I appreciated your comment! I was just adding my own thoughts to the conversation.

It's really hard for most people - man or woman - to make any headway in this arena precisely becase of the points you made. These poor men are very effectively primed to only respond well to traditionally masculine role models and talking points, and yet it is that very same traditional masculinity that is holding them back.

I just wanted to clarify in the context of the OP why they might feel like "the left isn't doing enough," and why that is actually just a part of the alt-right pipeline working as designed.

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Seconding this. Because let's face it, there absolutely is a pattern of women assuming the man is at fault and sticking with that assumption.

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What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.

I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.

Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).

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If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.

It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.

We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.

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Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.

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Hey homie, I see you're a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I'd be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that's your speed. Serious offer - if it's of interest don't hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you're not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox

There's a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it's a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were "both of your friends"; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying "bro, get over it". Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.

I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don't know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you've shared, that's how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You're worth more than that.

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Hey man. That sounds insanely hard, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it alone without support.

Just want to say that I've had a similar experience. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago at 27, I was and still very much am so frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken by the lack of support around me. My family and friends didn't reach out in any way, acted like nothing was happening, I was dealing with it on my own, without so much as a "how are you doing?".

I don't have much to offer you, I don't have answers. But I know when I went posting online looking for some, the solidarity of others with similar experiences helped keep me sane.

I'm a nice, good looking, talented young dude. It's not me, it's not you. At least for me, I happened to grow up in a culture where men don't show feelings or need support. My girlfriend gets more support for dealing with my condition. It frustrates and saddens me beyond belief.

The small solace I've had is that I've been given the gift of knowledge through this experience. I've dealt with my mortality very young, and have a perspective on life my friends couldn't have yet. There are others that get it, and you'll find them. I lost who I thought were my close friends but gained close friends out of people I rarely thought of as friends at all.

People suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish. A lot of people do care but you can literally get cancer and they won't break social norms to show it. Don't take time waiting for these people. In my experience, the cancer wasn't the hardest part. It was this part of losing all my friends and family. People don't want to be around hard stuff.

Good luck, keep yourself grounded. It's not you, it's our broken and fucked up society. Find those that have dealt with these things, and focus on the dumb, small things that make you happy. I'm rooting for you.

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Women are also fed lies that men don't need emotional support. Also, women are told constantly that men don't want to be friends with them and only want sex.

So there's a good chance his friends that are women think he's not having a hard time and/or he wants to sleep with them instead of talk.

I'm sorry OP that you are going through this. The advice to join an in person hobby or interest group is probably best. (To supplement your therapy)

Also, it's also entirely possible, since it's been 5 months, that everyone is overwhelmed with life and the world. I know I've not reached out as often to my friends the last 6 months (I'm stressed by country and the grief of losing my dad a few months ago.)

Also you say it seems like everyone is supporting your ex. Are they really? Or is she holding them hostage with her drama and steamrolling into their lives?

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Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.

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I'm sorry to tell you but most likely you were demonised, othered and outed. If i were to guess from experience, these people were told your ex's side of the story where she could justify everything without being contested.

I'm also sorry that you have shitty people around you if you're not getting any support from your expected former best friends.

Please please don't kill yourself. I've been through a similar situation myself and I can tell you that it does get better. Keeping clean (free of drugs) and being around people helps. Join your local hackspace or just any hobby group of your liking that does meetings regularly in your area. I have made a lot of friends though my local hackspace (granted, this was when i felt more ready). I'm certain you can rebuild your circle too bro.

I know i'm an online face but if you would like to play some multiplayer games sometimes and chat, feel free to send a DM.

It's going to be OK, brother. I'll check up on you later so keep a look out, yeah? Take care of yourself.

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I think the devil is in the details...

I have a couple who were close friends, they separated and initially we tried hard to support him as it seem he would have continued the marriage but she was the one moving away from it. Our thought process at the time was "she has something to look forward to, he seems to feel left behind"

We did not treat her badly or anything but did basically cater to his every need, providing as much support as we could.

Then, once the initial shock was over, he started attacking her in every possible way. And on top of that, he started shunning our every invite under the pretext "he didn't want to accidentally run into her" which was complete BS as we did not regularly hung out with her.

Finally, she was so broke after years of court battles that she opened a go fund me campaign and we donated some money. Well well well, this friend who had all but shunned us suddenly calls me raging that I am helping her and by doing so undermining his righteous effort to take vengeance on her.

All of this to reiterate that the devil is in the details... were these friends actual friends of yours before the divorce? did you concern yourself with their needs back then? have you been an asshole to them before, during or after the divorce? There is a real chance these were not great people to begin with, but I find it hard to believe that all your true friends decided to just ghost you for no reason whatsoever

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Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.

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Speaking from my experience, I get very overwhelmed with empathy when someone close to me is going through something as difficult as an illness, divorce or job loss. I want to be as supportive as possible, but also know that there's usually little to nothing that I can do, and then I get overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness. I will let them know that I'm there for them if they need anything, and I will check in from time to time to see how they are doing, but I always find myself avoiding talking about the 'real issue'.

I know that I'm included in the 'people suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish' - even knowing that, I have a hard time addressing it. Even when the roles have been reversed, after I lost my job and people stopped reaching out to me, I knew exactly why... I was making them uncomfortable and they just didn't know how to deal with it. And even then, I had no idea what I wanted from them, other than for things to just be as they had been before.

Even after my own experience, when a close friend of mine lost his job I dreaded talking with him because of the helplessness that I felt at being able to do anything for him, and the reminder that at any moment I could be in his shoes again. It sucks, it's a massive character flaw, and it is even worse that I'm aware of it but so far have been unable to change. I still love my family and friends, I just don't know how to show them that during their times of greatest need.

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Same in WV.

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Can you define what you were asking for in terms of support from your friends? I've not been married but I've been through some shitty breakups and I've never really even considered asking my friends for anything. Like I don't even know what they could do to help matters. I just had to deal with all the emotional stuff and move on. If anything I think a lot of them would have made the situation more toxic in their efforts to make me feel better.

I'm not asking this to tell you to get over it even though it probably sounds that way. I'm trying to understand what someone else in this situation is actually looking for that will help them. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need.

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I'm going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I've told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.

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Of all the places to spread that bullshit, on a thread posted by a man grieving a relationship. Disgusting behavior. I am lucky to have three men in my life who got my back no matter what. We say I love you to one another. I am still married but who knows for how much longer. They will be there for me.

I am lucky, yes. I've made friends who have broken out of the bonds that society puts on men. By being like this you are acting no better than the same fucked up shit.

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Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you'll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.

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he's clearly suffering from PISD

Assuming you mean PTSD, there is not nearly enough information here to diagnose OP. Regardless of what diagnosis you, random internet person, have decided to bestow, seeing a qualified physician is a crucial part of mental health workup. Still not sure why you continue to take issue with this.

This, what OP is going through ? That's normal. As my therapist said, she would have been far more worried if I didn't get the thoughts.

You have not done a suicide risk assessment and don't know the character or severity of OP's suicidal ideation or other symptoms. He is not you.

his therapist will tell him to talk to a physician

A good therapist will, but unfortunately, this does not happen nearly as much as it should. This leads to delayed diagnosis and management of comorbid medical conditions that contribute to feelings of depression. Therapists typically don't have broader medical training outside of mental health and aren't always well versed in the many treatments for mental health disorders.

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30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?