how do I grow a thicker skin and change my reactions to adversity?

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these 2 sentences have me thinking:

I cannot change what others think about me or do, I can only change how to react to it.
It’s not my fault, but it is my problem to deal with.

we had a merger and my department met our new manager. He seemed empathetic and approachable, asking us to stay at our current positions and work together.

I've been considering a change for some time because I don't get along with some coworkers, even though most are fine, but these 3 suck the life out of me.

So I sent this new manager an application that was rejected the next day:

"mr. X doesn't want to consider your application."

He didn't even read it. He seemed so approachable and friendly... this line seems specifically written to make me feel bad, or maybe I'm very thin skinned?

An adult would accept it and move on, but I'm so thin skinned I keep ruminating about it. I want to change how I react to this and other setbacks in life, but I feel powerless.

"It’s not my fault, but it is my problem to deal with"

I'm on the spectrum. I can hold a job, pay rent and healthcare, max my 401k..., but some of my coworkers find me robotic and rude and feel offended if I want to concentrate on my duties instead of talking to them, simply because if I don't do my job I'll be fired.

Not all of my coworkers are like this, but some simply don't see that I do the same they do, except gossiping and bantering, which I find a waste of time.

They feel offended because I like to keep to myself.

It is not fair and I hate it, but it is, apparently, my problem to deal with.

Except that I don't know how to deal with it. And I don't want to deal with it, because it is unfair that what others think and talk about you makes your career more difficult.

I didn't expect this post to be this long.

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I dont have much advice, but I will say this: there is nothing wrong with being upset you weren't given a fair shot.

How you handle that or what your follow up is, I don't know, but you being upset is absolutely a normal response to this.

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"and feel offended if I want to concentrate on my duties instead of talking to them" this sounds like projection to me and its hard for me to shake that assessment.. keeping to yourself is generally navigable and most people understand and accept others' social orientation. are you maybe informed by a singular moment that you're dwelling on? as for being 'on the spectrum' that means vastly different things from one point to the next and if it doesn't complicate the advice people are willing to give to you, it could be a crutch you're imbuing with more power than is necessary.

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Do you really know that it wasn't read? Several hours/the next day is enough time to review something.

It sounds like you were told up front that they want to maintain everyone in their current positions. If there isn't any possibility for you to move anyway then getting denied isn't really a reflection of your value or merits as an employee at all so I wouldnt put too much weight into it.

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The worst problem in this world is that we will all be endlessly told to just work on ourselves and make ourselves better every time we have to deal with cretinous motherfuckers who will never spend a single moment of their life working on self-improvement or being a better person.

Some days I really wish that China's social credit score thing was real, but actually effectively applied at real anti-social people. Like right-wing fucking thugs who chose to cough all over people during COVID because they decided they were smarter than scientists and doctors and it "must be a hoax!"

I wish there was a system to force these people into doing some basic fucking self reflection and choosing to be better.

Genuinely, my entire life has been spent being prosocial and trying very hard to be a good person, and every time I fall apart because I'm surrounded by selfish fucking asshole idiots, it's my job to get the fuck over it, never their job to become better people.

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What I learned about people who seem kind at the first moment and manage to be liked pretty well, are mostly Narzisstic or egocentric people with lack of empathy. They might share empathy for a day to build a first impression but thats it. No real feelings involved.

Generally be cautious with such people and dont fall blind into thinking they are good people just because they make everything to have a good Ego. They are good at being liked and being well recieved, while they will always harm you in some way.

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If you feel comfortable doing so, you could ask for insight into why your application wasn’t considered. You can try to phrase it around making it a learning moment for you: Can you explain to me why my application wasn’t considered so that I can be better prepared the next time an opportunity arises? The person being asked the question will be less likely to see it was an attack and more of a humble question from a person who values their insight.

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You've already taken the first step. You want to.

This is not some thing you can just adopt whenever you want, like putting the plates on the right side of the dishwasher instead of the left. This will require some serious continuous practice.

Basically, to retrain your reaction to things, you must 1. understand why your current/natural reaction is undesirable 2. understand which reaction you think is desireable 3. Repeatedly expose yourself to the situation that triggers your reaction with the main goal to change your reaction.

and 2. requires you to continually remind yourself of these beliefs. You will forget when you slip back into your natural reaction.
is not easy. You can't just manufacture adversity. It has to be real. It's very easy to have a specific controlled reaction to something fake. So essentially, you just continue as normal, risk things, always keeping in mind that you can face adversity. You mentally prepare yourself for it so you can notice when it happens. "When I start this new job, people might be offended wheb I tell them I don't want to talk to them. That is fine. I accept that they can be offended, because rejection is not a nice thing to experience, and that is what I do to them. However, I prefer this to having to suffer through their rambling. I know that this will likely cause them to help me less or actively oppose me, and I am fine with that outcome."...

And then you just do it anyway. When your setback happens, you will first feel frustrated. But then eventually you will get a rational moment. See what is happening to you again. And then you can remember what you've been thinking so far. That it's ok for this to happen. That being frustrated by it achieves nothing. And whatever else you figured out with 1. and 2. Each thing you remember should help you let go. Taking deep breaths and other relaxation techniques help with letting go.

And the result should be that you're slightly less frustrated, for a slightly shorter time than you would've been without doing all this. It's still essentially the same strength the first time, but it should be a little less.

And then you have another disappointment. That time, doing the same thing, it should sting even less and for even shorter. And so on and so on.

For me, I'm not sure how long and how many things it took. I know it was quite a few and over quite some years. Now, when I feel this frustration, it's just a slight tinge for a few seconds at most, when I remember what I believe and that I'm fine with this, and then I can already completely let it go. Like others said, it's a completely natural reaction, you might still feel like that. But eventually you're so good at letting go that it takes mere seconds and then you're completely fine.

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Seriously...like Jesus what the fuck even is that rejection line???? I've been rejected from tons and tons of jobs and never gotten a rejection line like that. Ridiculous.

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Promotion in America is not often skill based. It's how popular and how much someone can "fake" it. From my experience, if your not extremely outgoing and look like you know anything and everything, promote is hard.

Why most bosses are completely useless and don't understand anything.

Yes there's some exceptions but from my experience it's often times that.

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I’m sorry about the painful coworkers and the outright rejection. It sounds painful and frustrating.

You can’t magically change your thoughts, but you can change your relationship with them. I’d argue the single easiest, low-risk thing that you can do with the most positive impact is doing the Healthy Minds program or something like it. It will teach you to relate to your thoughts in a healthy way, as well as develop better ways of relating with other people and with your everyday actions, including your work.

The broader issue could be one of management, and you could check out the management or Agile literature to learn if that is the case. It sounds like your office doesn’t have good psychological safety, which is well documented to be associated with a sense of purpose and satisfaction in workers, higher productivity, and less defects. There could also be other systemic problems that are hard to pinpoint without understanding the enterprise or team dynamic.

However, regardless of the external reality, you’ll be well served by learning to better relate to your thoughts, your work, and the people around you. Again, I believe it’s the single easiest and lowest-risk thing with the most assured positive impact that you can do right now.

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Always remember only work for how much pay and benefits you get. Never go beyond as companies will exploit you without promotion or raise.

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Wish I could help. I can commiserate though. 10 years in the same position without a promotion. Can't get the benefits I've built up elsewhere, feel trapped in a gilded cage.

You are more than your job though, and if other people are assholes, knowingly or not, that doesn't reflect on your worth in any way. It only underscores the fact you don't jive with those kind of people. I'd consider that an accolade of sorts.

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Exposure therapy can be quite powerful. Let yourself feel upset: don't be ashamed that your emotions lash out. Let yourself feel, then remind yourself how things aren't as bad as they feel. Feeling and introspecting rather than suppressing in the face of pain is emotional weight lifting.

There will be times when you lack the emotional strength to exercise, and that's ok too. Everything in life ebbs and flows, and you can slowly make meaningful progress toward deeper happiness by taking advantage of the flows while showing yourself grace for your human imperfections when things ebb.

A major pillar of self improvement it seems we share is letting go of the expectation that everyone will like you. It's just as likely to be someone else's problems that lead them to not gel with you as it is to be your own problems. You have just as much a right to be imperfect as they do, but no amount of self-improvement can change other people's problems. At any given moment, the world simply is as it is and you can only make choices to navigate the future as best as you are able.

Finding controlled ways to put yourself in a bit of emotional peril can be helpful, like creating a throwaway to try and ernestly engage in a new online community. Put that mask out there as your avatar, knowing that you can always discard it when it ceases to be useful.

At a more advanced level you might go try participating in some public in-person activity, knowing you can exit that community at any time and return to your solitude. Even if in the worst case scenario they did come to 'hate' you, that ceases to matter once you leave them behind. They'll forget you long before you forget them.

Let yourself feel the despair of failure, and then let yourself see how those feelings do nothing to stop you from living and growing. In fact, growing is ultimately impossible without failure. Focus on your successes, and let your past failures be signposts of your improvement.

Of course none of this is easy, but this is a journey that spans your whole life whether you want it to or not. Every time you gather the strength to engage thoughtfully with it (as you have here!), you plant seeds that you will someday get to enjoy the fruits of.

Support structures are key; DM me if you'd ever like to engage more directly in a dialog.

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Get enough sleep and take care of yourself.

Everything is easier after that.

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Your reading of that rejection is spot on! It was immature and unprofessional. You might ask yourself if you wish to remain in such an environment.

To your question;
Consider the duck...
Imagine the droplets of water on it's back as troubles and difficult situations it's carrying. Then watch as the droplets slip right off.

These situations are not reflections of you, they're just situations in which you happen to be immersed.

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So, to be clear this was an application to move to another part of the same company?

I don't know you, but being thin skinned isn't a trait I associate with any form of autism, so I wouldn't worry about that specifically. Misinterpreting things is a bigger possibility - it could just be that the new boss doesn't want big personnel changes right as he's getting his footing. (Would you?)

Except that I don’t know how to deal with it. And I don’t want to deal with it, because it is unfair that what others think and talk about you makes your career more difficult.

Speaking for myself, once I've understood the situation, gamed out every option and picked the one that's best, I find a kind of peace - even if that option is really, really demeaning and hard. I hope you can find something like that too.

A reminder that "dealing with it" doesn't just mean stoicism. Now, I don't have all the details here, and I only have your side of the story, but you can still set boundaries with neurotypical people. If you're successful, you almost by definition are going to have options. Do you want to quit? Maybe even pursue a different career path? Or, is continuing as normal the best option?

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most people understand and accept others' social orientation

You probably aren't an introvert, because that's honestly far from a "most people" thing

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My personal target is 105% of the performing mark, when I'm in a churn and earn job somewhere that I don't want to promote.

That wiggle room is enough to keep me above the performing mark if there are any productivity impactors outside of my control that my company refuses to adjust for (that has happened to me in jobs before), and it also keeps me off of bottom-performer lists when layoffs roll through. And it's barely more than the bare minimum. Win / win / win.

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You want ceramic plates, not steel. Steel plates are cheap, but they can throw slag when hit. Not good for you or nearby friendlies.

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how do I grow a thicker skin and change my reactions to adversity?