How to stop "Fall in love" so easily?

[pebbles@sh.itjust.works]

Disclaimer: people are complicated. I sorta have to project to answer and I dont know exactly what causes your jealousy.

I used to get a lot more jealous. I used to think that I was the right partner for someone and that they were making a mistake by being with someone else. I kinda justified it with this half baked empathy that wanted the girl to be happy, but didn't accept her as an intelligent person that can navigate and choose a partner for herself.

My jealousy was rooted in a bit of a superiority complex. I needed to accept that there are a lot of good people out there just trying to find a partner. That I'm not better than them.

I think it is fine to have feelings for a girl, its also fine to be disappointed when they don't reciprocate. No need to try and not feel those feelings. I think it is a big ask to try and control our romantic attraction, but we can manage how we respond to it.

Though again, what if I'm wrong and maybe this stems from an attachment issue yk? I'm over here projecting. Hope this helps anyways.

[none_dc@lemmy.world]

I know it helps. I sought psychological help to treat my depression and lack of self-esteem at the time and it helped tremendously. Maybe I should look into getting that kind of help again.

[none_dc@lemmy.world]

It does helps! Maybe there's a bit of ego in my way of seeing things.

And as you said, People are complex, it's true, it's difficult to understand ourselves. That's why it's good to share experiences with others in order to find inner answers. Thanks for sharing!

[thepreciousboar@lemm.ee]

I understand how you feel. The first step to reduce the frustration is to try and give it less importance: as you said yourself, it's not falling in love, it's just infatuation. Your brain is confusing attractiveness to another person (physical or romantic) for a deep connection that doesn't come at first sight (despite what movies and tv would make you believe) but develops in time.

You will be attracted to a lot of people in your life (assuming you're not aromantic or asexual) and, with time, you'll realize if you went deeper in many of these situation, the attraction would disappear, because the shallow opinion you have of a person you are not dating is very difficult to get right, and usually filtered positively by your monkey brain that just wants to formicate.

Of course trying and deepening these attractions would help you realizing this, which might not be easy if you have difficult approaching other people, but try and reflect on similar situations in the past and think about them cold-hearted: to how many people are you still infatuated? Don't you see now the "bad things" that you brain was hiding and that don't make you two really compatible?

Eventually it just becomes a nuisance. I don't know if you can change it, but you can accept it and it will bother you less if you understand the mechanism behind it.

[nicolahaskell@lemmy.ml]

Catholics are professionals at expressing deep love for the "best friends" they met ten minutes ago the night before disappearing from their lives entirely

I know there is something in me that I need to change, but I don’t know what, and I need some assistance.

The ability to recognize, cherish, and wield the quirks and stereotypes we inherited, maybe?

[magiccupcake@lemmy.world]

Try and flip the fantasies on their head.

Try looking for odd quirks and mannerisms that bother you and imagine how annoying it would be to be with a partner that does those things all the time.

Look for the particular ways they want to be cared for in the manner and how you would not be suitable to meet them, and that they might be happier with someone else.

Also just spend more time with them, and the infatuation will either fade or you'll realize you do really like them, which is OK, let them know, and it's OK if it's not reciprocal (though this is actually quite hard as a lot of women are conditioned to not believe men who say this).

[m1ch431@lemmy.ml]

I don't think there is any need to reserve or control your feelings - love freely however you'd like to be loved to everyone you encounter. If somebody doesn't hold love for you in some form, I'd say that they probably aren't suited to being in a relationship with you, platonic or otherwise.

See loving somebody as not possessing/owning them or controlling them. If you are the best fit with somebody, you'll both know it and it'll click at some point. You'll both come to the understanding that you'd rather not be with anybody else on the journey you both share and mutually chose to be on.

Loosen up and be patient, honest, and direct. Give space to your potential love interests. If you think it would help, I'd also suggest seeing people you are very passionate about as friends you have feelings for, instead of love interests - just don't overextend yourself or give what you don't have to give too freely to just anybody.

Trust that when everything feels right, you'll both open up at the best moment and define a proper relationship and healthy boundaries. If you truly have built trust and rapport with somebody, whatever you create with them will be a beautiful and fulfilling thing and there will be no room for jealousy or doubt.

[rbwells@lemmy.world]

This makes sense, but I don't think you need to change your feelings. Your actions are what affect the people outside of you, they don't know what you are thinking, and you already recognize it's not reasonable.

I remember when I went back to work after a few years raising my kids. It was odd to work with men, after only being close with the one man. But over time, it got normal and I am friends with some of them still, platonic friends. So some of it is literally just practice. Keep practicing. You sound pretty self aware, I think you will be ok.

[bradboimler@lemmy.world]

I’m already terrible at socializing

Practice. What helped me is to accept the reality of small talk. I used to hate it. I stopped being so invested in conversations. I still try to listen, and ask questions, and be interested, and all that. But it's OK to talk about the weather or mundane stuff like that, keep things light, walk away when it's natural, and forget about things. Not be so invested.

Appreciate and integrate the difference between small talk and deep philosophical conversation. They are both important and both have their place. Small talk comes naturally to extroverts. Introverts (me) have to work a little harder at it.

it’s especially difficult for me to create genuine friendships with women because I can’t help thinking of them as “possible future partners” (or some bullshit like that)

Folks may not like this, but if they're "possible future partners" then they're not genuine friendships. They're dating prospects. It's fine to be interested in dating women, but as soon as you have an inkling of interest, ask them out on a date. Say the word date. If they say no, respect that, and accept that they are not available as potential future partners. You want your choices to be respected. Respect the choices of others. Asking people out is hard. I know. So is being rejected. I know. That's life.

I would like to feel more comfortable with my singleness

Once you achieve that comfort, you will become more attractive. I think this is another matter of practice. Go do fun things by yourself! Things that you want to do! Eat out, go to the movies, travel. Not so much to meet other people but because you find fulfillment in those activities for their own sake.

while forging more non-romantic relationships with other people.

Make small talk with folks you are not attracted to. This takes a bit of the edge off and it helps with the practice. Their insight and opinions are just as valuable as those of the folks you're attracted to.

[ultragigagigantic@lemmy.ml]

I find conversation more natural when there is a "thing" we are all doing. Playing cards, bowling, pool, darts, singing kareoke whatever. That way if I start to feel awkward in the conversation I can steer it towards what we're doing and give myself a small talk break.

I start to take 5 psychic damage a second when I'm talking to other people so I need time to regen my HP.