How to rebalance, imbalanced effort in a heterosexual relationship?
-
Its always been sort of like this even as a teen but after college friends kind of parted ways and everyone's lives took off that it's really only them her hobbies got left behind and all the work realization of a lifetime of 40 hour week dynamic just crashed her further.
He thinks it's depression/anxiety a lot too and she took therapy that she said helped to vent and just talk outside of them but she's almost just shutdown sort of. To me it's like she's maxed out internally and auto pilot is running on fumes. So she sleeps excessive after work and that's about it.
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
If it was as simple as communication issues and her not fully reciprocating in the relationship, that would be one thing. But she’s in clear need of therapy. Unless she’s willing to seek help, she’s slowly sinking them.
Whether or not she is having an affair, which isn’t something there seems to be any concrete proof for, he does seem to be looking for an out. She also seems done. This relationship is already over.
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
Sounds like the relationship is over and neither of them has admitted it yet.
-
I'm pretty sure I didn't misunderstand the words. You literally said "no other advice matters". I.e. this is the only thing that's important. That's quite clearly false, you just admitted it yourself.
You think it's possible to solve this problem without both parties agreeing that it's a problem. I disagree with you.
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
I recommend cocaine.
-
If it was as simple as communication issues and her not fully reciprocating in the relationship, that would be one thing. But she’s in clear need of therapy. Unless she’s willing to seek help, she’s slowly sinking them.
Whether or not she is having an affair, which isn’t something there seems to be any concrete proof for, he does seem to be looking for an out. She also seems done. This relationship is already over.
To tack on this. She definitely needs therapy, classic trauma-based coping mechanisms, and the depression may be because of that or exacerbating that. I'd also say, due to natural biases, that we may not have as much negative info on him, but that's okay.
I think he's almost done and she's either almost done or done. Probably the best option is to get out sooner with a little less drama and take some lessons from this. The alternative is to keep trying to fix it until all feeling is gone, then break up with a nicely burned bridge in the background.
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
It takes two to tango.
The defensive lashing out type stuff happens because he hasn't established firm boundaries around it. And she's probably lashing out about stuff because... Well. Doesn't matter, really.
There need to be firm boundaries about how to have a discussion that apply evenly to both of them. Both of them need to buy into these rules. When the lines are crossed the discussion ends.
This isn't about shutting down a discussion but having the awareness to recognize constructive versus destructive discussions.
Setting reasonable, adult boundaries and rules, sticking to them, and establishing that certain behaviours are problematic are the only way this gets better.
If she's unable to recognize her own defensiven ss as a problem and work on it all of this falls apart but having the framework in place will allow transparency into the why of it.
-
It takes two to tango.
The defensive lashing out type stuff happens because he hasn't established firm boundaries around it. And she's probably lashing out about stuff because... Well. Doesn't matter, really.
There need to be firm boundaries about how to have a discussion that apply evenly to both of them. Both of them need to buy into these rules. When the lines are crossed the discussion ends.
This isn't about shutting down a discussion but having the awareness to recognize constructive versus destructive discussions.
Setting reasonable, adult boundaries and rules, sticking to them, and establishing that certain behaviours are problematic are the only way this gets better.
If she's unable to recognize her own defensiven ss as a problem and work on it all of this falls apart but having the framework in place will allow transparency into the why of it.
I totally agree with this overall statement. He's very sharp and focused she's very flowing sort of lazier, don't care as much.
Fundamentally there's differences but part of what I see or understand from him talking it out with me was that rather than having this type of structure that's needed it's almost as if she is defensive so he's defensive and then it sort of kept going like this for a long long time and thus has escalated into deeper rifting issues. Structure is what's needed
I'm going to show him this and some other replies and I really think this post was constructive and helpful. Due to the cultural and social dynamics of Lemmy some points have been brought up that we never considered. As enshittified as the internet/world has become and the fediverse isn't perfect there's some real genuine reactions like the old forum days.
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
This relationship is already over. They should break up and meet new people
-
oh maybe read about 'partner of adhd spouse'
when i read about having an adhd spouse it was comical because all the tough situations they described were just my life and it sounds similar to this. my wife was so overwhelmed she couldn't function and she needed like 10 hours a day of sleep. And she had no idea why until we pieced it together and she got diagnosed.
'balance' definitely part of my complaints though so maybe check it out!
Not only are they going to read it but I am too. I'm ADHD and have been diagnosed years ago from multiple Drs of mine. They both have it as well but it manifests in different ways due to their natural personality differences. Thanks!
-
A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.
A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.
The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.
He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.
There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.
I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.
I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.
She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.
But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.
Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.
Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.
As someone who's been going through what I believe to be autistic burnout for many years now, this third hand description of her behaviour feels very similar that what my own experience probably looks like from the outside.
Needing a lot of extra sleep is one of the symptoms. Depression, anxiety and being generally in a bad mood often also comes with burnout. She's putting no effort into events or activities, possibly because she doesn't want those activities or events in the first place due to the energy drain. Not knowing how you feel (and just bad interception in general) is a very common trait of autism. You mentioned in a comment that she's "quiet and shy", which is another point towards the autism hypothesis.
Keep in mind that this is based on my own experience only. There isn't enough information to know if your friend is going through the same thing or not. Assuming she is, the solution is probably to work on that interception and figuring out how different activities/events affect your energy levels. There's a good chance that if you had all your coping mechanisms figured out before entering the relationship, they don't work anymore after because some things clash with the expectations of the relationship. For many of them, you probably wouldn't even know they were coping mechanisms to begin with. They were things you just did because you prefer it that way and had no idea how bad things can get if you didn't. So part of the work is in figuring out which of your habits are coping mechanisms.
-
As someone who's been going through what I believe to be autistic burnout for many years now, this third hand description of her behaviour feels very similar that what my own experience probably looks like from the outside.
Needing a lot of extra sleep is one of the symptoms. Depression, anxiety and being generally in a bad mood often also comes with burnout. She's putting no effort into events or activities, possibly because she doesn't want those activities or events in the first place due to the energy drain. Not knowing how you feel (and just bad interception in general) is a very common trait of autism. You mentioned in a comment that she's "quiet and shy", which is another point towards the autism hypothesis.
Keep in mind that this is based on my own experience only. There isn't enough information to know if your friend is going through the same thing or not. Assuming she is, the solution is probably to work on that interception and figuring out how different activities/events affect your energy levels. There's a good chance that if you had all your coping mechanisms figured out before entering the relationship, they don't work anymore after because some things clash with the expectations of the relationship. For many of them, you probably wouldn't even know they were coping mechanisms to begin with. They were things you just did because you prefer it that way and had no idea how bad things can get if you didn't. So part of the work is in figuring out which of your habits are coping mechanisms.
I'm unsure in the autism aspect but I guess my thought of autism is more of the severe type. This should be diagnosed and handled by a medical professional to truly know. What are some coping mechanisms that work in general perhaps to try? I know everyone is different she is artistic I do know that.
-
She needs therapy and not just to keep the relationship. She's not well. If she's unwilling to work on herself though, I don't see a bright future.
I agree 100 percent.
She has agreed to speak to her doctor about several mental health issues. I posted an update above from what I've learned today so far. I'll keep them coming.
-
To tack on this. She definitely needs therapy, classic trauma-based coping mechanisms, and the depression may be because of that or exacerbating that. I'd also say, due to natural biases, that we may not have as much negative info on him, but that's okay.
I think he's almost done and she's either almost done or done. Probably the best option is to get out sooner with a little less drama and take some lessons from this. The alternative is to keep trying to fix it until all feeling is gone, then break up with a nicely burned bridge in the background.
I agree with the natural bias aspect and they are trying to work on it. I edited an update shortly ago on what they have come to today. He's concerned im sure they both are about the burned bridge part as well. Let me know what you think of the update!
-
I'm unsure in the autism aspect but I guess my thought of autism is more of the severe type. This should be diagnosed and handled by a medical professional to truly know. What are some coping mechanisms that work in general perhaps to try? I know everyone is different she is artistic I do know that.
Autism presents very differently from one person to the next. Most of the literature so far has been on young boys, so there's a very poor understanding among most mental health professionals and the general population on how it looks in adult men, let alone women. On top of that, women tend to be much better at hiding it.
As for coping mechanisms, I can't give specific examples since, as you say, everyone is different. This is especially true for autism since there's such a wide range of special interests, sensory sensitivities/preferences, etc. that you can easily find two people where the good and bad categories are complete opposites. You'll often hear advice such as "engage in your special interest" (assuming one exists), "stick to your comfort foods", or "minimize masking". These are very broad suggestions, but it's the best we can give. There's a lot of work involved in figuring out what that means for you. For sensory preferences, there are resources online that list different things to consider. Look up "sensory preferences checklist" to find them. For masking, you'll have to learn what is and isn't masking. That involves understanding how non-autistic people think, what they're capable of doing without thinking, then comparing it against the amount of effort you put into doing the same thing. For example, neurotypicals don't need to think about what facial expressions to make because their faces just naturally do the thing in accordance to their emotional state. If you find that you need to consciously think about what face to make based on how you feel, then that's masking and would be a contributing factor to the constant exhaustion.
-
I agree 100 percent.
She has agreed to speak to her doctor about several mental health issues. I posted an update above from what I've learned today so far. I'll keep them coming.
That sounds like a start. I wish them both the best of luck.
-
I agree with the natural bias aspect and they are trying to work on it. I edited an update shortly ago on what they have come to today. He's concerned im sure they both are about the burned bridge part as well. Let me know what you think of the update!
I saw your edit and I’m honestly impressed with the positive shift toward healthy communication and planning to take action on her part.
The letter writing was a good idea, and I read the other replies about him giving distance to her. As for the suggestion of her possibly having autism, I think that’s on her to figure out through her doctor. I wouldn’t outright tell her that.
After a week of writing letters, maybe they could transition to having daily talks about anything on each other’s minds. And being sure to ask “why?”, because some people listen well but never ask questions. It helps both people. Other than that, so long as she carries through with getting to the doctor and communication keeps strong, things will likely work out fine. Definitely make a new post if there’s any huge updates on this
-
Sounds like the relationship is over and neither of them has admitted it yet.
Marriage is more than just "k well bye". I didn't see anything in there about counseling or trying to repair the relationship. I recommend trying something over nothing.
-
This relationship is already over. They should break up and meet new people
It's often tempting to say "this X is screwed, let's start all over again". But deep relationships are not formed that way.
Between any people, there will be points of tension, and if this calls you to quit, you risk never to get to the point of stable long-lasting relationships.
May it be that they need to break up? Yes. Does it have to be? No.
-
I totally agree with this overall statement. He's very sharp and focused she's very flowing sort of lazier, don't care as much.
Fundamentally there's differences but part of what I see or understand from him talking it out with me was that rather than having this type of structure that's needed it's almost as if she is defensive so he's defensive and then it sort of kept going like this for a long long time and thus has escalated into deeper rifting issues. Structure is what's needed
I'm going to show him this and some other replies and I really think this post was constructive and helpful. Due to the cultural and social dynamics of Lemmy some points have been brought up that we never considered. As enshittified as the internet/world has become and the fediverse isn't perfect there's some real genuine reactions like the old forum days.
No one teaches you how to have a relationship. So people just kind of default into patterns that are often toxic.
It's why taking a step back and being deliberate about how to communicate is so important. There needs to be a shared understanding and deliberateness about how to intentionally communicate.
And it needs to be something that applies equally to everyone involved. No copouts, no special circumstances that only go one way, there need to be firm, hard rules with specific consequences that apply evenly to all involved that are arrived at communally, and not unilaterally.
