How to deal with the fact that you've outgrown your friends and that most of them are not considerate or even good people?
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Thanks for the reply. I didn’t manage to fall asleep yet, so figured I’d check for replies.
I am sorry that you went through that with your friends and that you had to make that choice and I’m sorry for your accident, I can’t even imagine how that must feel.
I am starting to realise I shouldn’t do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me, but I also can’t just change who I am. If I can help someone or do something for them or be considerate then I just will.
It sounds arrogant to say I am the smartest person in the room, but that’s exactly what it’s been like with this group all my life. Sure other smart people have been around, oddly they’re the drug dealers. At work I am not the smartest person in the room so I guess I have two rooms now.
I also asked this to ChatGPT, the horror, and funnily it said something similar in that it’s okay to grow and I shouldn’t dwell on lost time with these friends as these experiences have made me who I am today. Altgohhh easier said than done.
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I am terrible with time and stress and managing all that and it definitely backfires on my friends. Especially when The Day comes and I have somehow stacked overlapping plans. I dont do it on purpose but the stress of life is honestly becoming overwhelming for me and it does spill over to effect my plans with my friends. Maybe talk to them? I try and my friends are very understanding but they do get annoyed. Its why I never make plans, to stressed to remember them.
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Thanks for the reply.
I absolutely get that some people are bad with time estimations, as it’s one of the hurdles for someone with ADHD and I have had to really work hard to improve on my time planning skills.
I think it’s more than life just happens though as it’s consistent. Like every time we are linking up. He sets expectations of me that I can’t set of him. He will be late 99% of the time and shrug it off likes it’s nothing, but if I leave my house a few mins later because I was speaking to family longer than expected then he would call me out for it. Like we live in Manchester and we could be in Liverpool where we all know it’s 50 mins to drive back home. His son could ring and he would say I’ll be back in 20 mins. Even if I said bro it’s an hour drive he would just say yeah it’s fine he’s slow anyway. Like that is not bad time keeping that is just thinking about him not wanting to wait when he gets back but his kid could be ready 40 mins early now.
Do you mean don’t say no worries if I don’t mean it? As I agree I shouldn’t have done that, but I also didn’t want to just moan as whenever I do he shrugs it off as not an issue.
I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt for 25 years and his behaviour isn’t changing and perhaps he has undiagnosed issues that he needs to address, but that is something he has to want to do and I would support him in that.
The money thing I don’t think was eating him, just that he was a day late and I don’t care about it being late. Shit I probably spend £200 a month just funding him cause he never has money. It was the putting blame on me for having the audacity to prod him.
I know I am an idiot for isolating when down because when I spiral I can spiral bad and it’s a self feeding cycle then that becomes hard to get out of and I do try these days to still socialise even if I don’t want to be here.
Finally, I have tried for so long to point out silver linings, but he just isn’t receptive to change or growth. Like the moaning about cyclists example, if I say that’s one less car on the road taking up space he’s like nah fuck em they’re assholes and they don’t pay road tax. Like WTF that doesn’t even make sense. Why hate something so much when it means nothing.
The same for complaining about traffic when we are part of the traffic. What makes our journey more important than anyone’s else’s journey?
If he complains about immigrants and I try and say hey these people are all coming here working jobs and paying taxes and spending that money I our community, maybe we should think why the media wants us hating poor people instead of the dude with billions of pounds.
Or how he hates on trans people, when I try and ask why he doesn’t know. He just reads the news and has hatred for people he has never met.
This is actually something all our other friends used to comment on that he is exhausting to be around as he literally never sees the good in anything.
I am aware I am emotional right now so I’m not making any decisions in this state and just wanted to vent a little and get some perspectives of others.
What’s amusing about the negativity is he works with another friend who we all lost contact with 10 years ago as he got married and stuff and he complains about that guys negativity and how it drains him, so perhaps he doesn’t realise he is almost as bad as that guy but it was amusing to hear him complain about the same things he does.
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I can relate to this as before my diagnosis or when I was in a really low spot I would make plans and then the day comes and I don’t want to move because I am not in the headspace to keep to them, but I would let people know.
Maybe talk to them?
I am willing to give this a go, although I have no idea how I would phrase it and I feel it would not be seen as constructive, but I shouldn’t just assume that and maybe I should try again.
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I dont do it on purpose but the stress of life is honestly becoming overwhelming for me and it does spill over to effect my plans with my friends.
Have the decency to cancel fast, then.
Frankly, at the second time you fail an agreed time without timely warning, I'd drop you like a hot potato and go fully NC.
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I would recover that debt, then set boundaries.
If somebody can show up on time, or keep their word regularly, life is too long to be sitting around with a dick in your hand when you could banging hookers while hitting the rails...
it is is amazing how these types of clowns are never late for that type of event
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Thanks for the reply.
This is the major factor for me, as I waste so much time waiting around and stuff and for me time is the most precious thing. I don’t care about money really, as long as I can pay my bills and do my hobbies it’s secondary to having fun pursuing my hobbies.
You’re also spot on about how his time keeping is improved back when I would be getting fucked up with them more frequently. Which to me highlights their priorities. Now as an addict (recovering) myself I tend to give people a lot of slack because I get it and I get what comes from that lifestyle. It’s just recently it’s been stressing me more.
Maybe I’ve spoiled him too much too because now a lot of the time it’s just expected that I’m buying food or paying for his fuel when we go to climb outside or something. Like he would even suggest we get takeaway for tea but has no money. Like what. I would never do that. Or if I offer him a drink from the shop he would say yes because it’s a free drink and not because he needs a drink right then, where I would be like nah I’m good if I don’t need one.
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Thats cool. One problem, its hard to cancel when your stress addled brain forgot.
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You're never too old to make new friends. I'm mid 30's and started a new job in a different city last year. Just talk to people casually, say good morning, ask how they are, just simple pleasantries. I haven't hung out with these people mostly because of living proximity, but I'm chummy with most, we play some games together, and I think we enjoy each other's company. I have little doubt that if I asked to hang out or grab a drink, people would do so if available. Most of these people are 5-10 years younger, so we do have a gap in life experiences, but I've found that the age gap matter less the older I get. I can give wisdom and tell stories of my life and their lives kind of make me feel a little younger again.
As someone that has just been screened for ADHD and waiting for my follow-up, I feel like I can relate to your experience. A lot of what you said resonates with my life other than the coke and Xanax. The weed is real, and unfortunately, the booze for me. I've gone through plenty of introspection and have identified places where I know I can be a turd friend. I noticed how I was negative a lot, and have taken conscious steps to not burden my friends. Don't get me wrong, we'll piss and moan about things, but I had to make the effort to be better. I'm not good and time estimating no matter how confident I am. If I'm meeting with people setting times, I will for sure over estimate what I think is right so I don't make people wait. Really, my wife has been extremely invaluable in my adult life, and I'd probably be in a much worse place if not for that support.
I say all of this because as I think that you know, not all all negative actions are intentional or sometimes even recognizable when you're doing it. I've lost sleep over saying the wrong thing or doing something that is a minor inconvenience because I feel so guilty. I feel like from your story, that maybe your friend has issues and isn't intentionally screwing you. To parrot one of the other posts, I would say talk to your buddy about things that bother you. Don't come in hot or anything, just ease into it. Anyone that is a real friend will listen to your concerns and at least try to make an effort. Some people are blind to their issues and maybe just needs someone to help them out.
Best of luck my dude. It's tough out there and I hope you find your way through this one. Don't be afraid to meet new people.
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If you haven't read up on setting boundaries now is a good time. Practice setting them and remember that people will not like it sometimes, but that's okay. Change is hard sometimes, but it sounds like you're ready for one. Best of luck to you!
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Yeah, I can see how that'd get to you. I'd highly recommend seeing if you can get him to sit down with you and have a chat about this stuff. Based on what you've said, however, he does seem like a toxic person. I dunno what else to say. I've been on both sides of this and it sucks both ways. It sucks when you have to break off a friendship because they're toxic and won't address it, and it sucks when someone breaks off from you because you're the toxic one.
The only thing I can suggest is to spend some time talking, you know? Just... try to avoid sounding confrontational or angry. That'll potentially cause the two of you to escalate. If it doesn't work, then I'd consider leaving him but doing so with an olive branch: that if he works on himself then you'll be happy to be friends again, but that you need space right now because he's dragging you down. That said, it'd leave you friendless buuuuut... you could look around and see if there are any clubs, like gardening, automotive, books, etc that you might be interested in, even if it's just a passing interest. That might allow you to make some new friends in the meantime.
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Put him on a payment plan, so that instead of asking for 600 every time you talk to him you ask for 60 and it's not a huge deal.
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There are roughly 8 billion people in this world. That's a lot of possibilities!
Don't lose your positivity for anyone in life no matter the relationship. Keep your mind open and let the emotional flow well flow don't stop the emotional flow because then you stop in that emotional state.
Hold your head up and focus on being your authentic self. The rest plays out as it's supposed to.
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I must not have explained that part well enough.
I was only asking for the last borrow of £70 back which was meant to be last Wednesday. The remaining £600 is already in a payment plan and once he has cleared his debts with other people first.
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Yeah, well, when the number of people you leave behind starts dwindling, you'll have that problem less and less.
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I identify with so much of this. First off, I, first half forties, also did the Genius Bar to software development track. Good on ya. Leveling up your skills while working that demanding job says a lot.
There are multiple things I'd suggest. First, since you've invested a lot of time in the relationship, just approach him honestly and directly and let him know that these trends annoy you. Let him know that it's disrespectful and ask him if to take your time into consideration. If he gets offended or objects, fuck him.
Next, I also have a tendency to hate life (even though I've got a good one, it's more like I hate the world and our trajectory) and think about wishing I wasn't alive. Same thing. Don't want to die. Just don't want to be here. Think about getting into therapy. I'm a huge advocate for talk therapy as it enabled me to radically change the course of my life. I was emotionally underdeveloped, diagnosed bi-polar, and hated myself. I reached the point of loving myself in 2019. It was a huge accomplishment.
Further, plan on seeing more than one therapist before finding the right one. I've had to meet at least one dud before finding a good fit each time (decades of therapy, moved to a different part of the country, one retired after a lot of years, so four duds and three good fits). Don't give up because the chemistry isn't a good match. Try again.
Finally, some of the friends that I've made came from online apps. One is someone I went on a date with and we liked each other but had no romantic chemistry. This person is now one of my closest friends and she and her partner do stuff with me and my partner today. You can use the apps in a just-looking-for-friends mode. Just let your partner know ahead of installing them (you said you were offered food and I'm guessing your software dev job means no roommate).
Good luck!
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You're taking this too personally. I'm already in my 30s bud. That happens regardless.
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Like, these kinda people exist. He's probably depressed, unemployed, and doesn't know what to do with his life.
My take is: we should improve society somewhat. If society improves, this too will improve, in yours and countless other examples.
There's no point haggling with single, individual cases like these IMO, because you "fix one hole, open another" or sth. Really, i started to abandon the concept of finding personal relationships, and instead focus on what can be done to improve society as a whole. Kinda like what priests who lived without real private lifes did in the medieval times. It's challenging, but fulfilling.
