Is it common for hetero women to enjoy taking charge during intimacy and switch between who's leading? (I was raised in a traditional family so I'm dumb)
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Okay, okay, you're not gonna believe this...
I don't have any.
I never tried to date anyone precisely because I saw the kind of intimacy I wanted as impossible. I always just assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed, and that's just not sexy to me. Up until this point, I believed that my own sexual drives were incompatible with everyone else's and could only be satisfied through fantasy. Only now am I questioning if this is actually the case.
assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed,
Those women do exist. I have dated them. They were raised as you describe yourself being raised, and thought sexual relationships were entirely the man's job. Sex was something that happened to them, not something they would actively pursue or direct.
Fortunately, the world has all types. You can absolutely find someone who wants the save dynamic you are looking for. Dating is trial-and-error so you'll have to deal with some duds along the way, but you'll get there.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
In my experience, a give and take partnership is the norm. In and out of the bedroom. Both parties should be excited to be spending intimate time together.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
It is very common for women to enjoy and enthusiastically participate in sex. It is less common for them to take the lead and give instructions, especially with a new partner.
I would recommend that first you just find someone who wants to have sex with you, and spend some time exploring each other, figuring out what the other likes and doesnt like.
Then, try to find someone who is also into your particular kink.
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Okay, okay, you're not gonna believe this...
I don't have any.
I never tried to date anyone precisely because I saw the kind of intimacy I wanted as impossible. I always just assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed, and that's just not sexy to me. Up until this point, I believed that my own sexual drives were incompatible with everyone else's and could only be satisfied through fantasy. Only now am I questioning if this is actually the case.
wrote last edited by [email protected]The good news is that not only is what you want possible — it’s the normal default. That’s how most people who are not “deconstructing a mountain of lies” feel.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with consensual sexual power play — but the emphasis is on consensual. People choose to be a sub or dom because they have agency in their sexuality, and feel that meets their needs best. A dom who does not respect consent is a rapist not a dom.
So yes again — women with normal sex drives do indeed like sex, and frequently initiate it. This dynamic can even evolve with age — women who hit their peak in their 30s can be positively ravenous about it. It is also normal to not have a high sex drive, or to only experience a sex drive under certain circumstances, such as when in a emotionally safe relationship, or with people you admire intellectually…
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
wrote last edited by [email protected]Taking the lead, showing initiative and being enthusiastic takes energy. People are lazy. So if you are expected to let someone else do it, then that is an easy choice allot of the time.
Yes there are women all over that enjoy this role from time to time. The more comfortable you are with your partner; the more you can expect to see this behaviour in them.
Males and females are not that different. Your local community might be used to theese roles though.
Worth noting; people offten act the way they think you like them to act. They might think they are expected to wait for you to take charge. As you get familiar, that might change.
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Okay, okay, you're not gonna believe this...
I don't have any.
I never tried to date anyone precisely because I saw the kind of intimacy I wanted as impossible. I always just assumed that anyone I dated would flop over like a dead fish in bed, and that's just not sexy to me. Up until this point, I believed that my own sexual drives were incompatible with everyone else's and could only be satisfied through fantasy. Only now am I questioning if this is actually the case.
Based on your posts you are overthinking it. It may sound harsh but it sounds a little bit like some incel-speak with a different twist. Your sexual fanatsies are just that, fantasies. It's hard to fit in with the crowd but you don't have to do it often to find someone.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
I can answer this without even bringing you an essay based on vast personal experience. Get this: you exist, and your circumstances and experiences are hardly uncommon. How could it be anything but highly likely that women who also don't conform to those views also exist?
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I can answer this without even bringing you an essay based on vast personal experience. Get this: you exist, and your circumstances and experiences are hardly uncommon. How could it be anything but highly likely that women who also don't conform to those views also exist?
Woah, calm down there
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
That's a very revealing view you have about BDSM. No, you don't need to like it or it doesn't need to be your thing, still I want to clean up a huge misconception:
Healthy BDSM is all about consent. It's the central part of it.
"Domination" is kind of a game, and you need a lot of trust to be able to play this. This trust is being established on a foundation of talking things through before on a level where I've rarely seen consent applied before.
This is something to take away, so while the domination and submission thing might totally not be your thing - and that's fine! - relying on explicit consent is something many vanilla people would benefit from.
Do you want this / I would like that / That's fine with me / Sorry, no that's not for me. And even on a "no" response thinking "thank you for telling me, now I know more about you". That's the base where to base eye to eye level relationships on. It requires a bit of courage and we're not used to it.
I do think you feel exactly this, things are about consent. And upbringing / media has shed a weird take on BDSM.
*= Btw BDSM in media has absolutely nothing to do with the real thing, as they just skip the part where people just talk for a long time.
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Based on your posts you are overthinking it. It may sound harsh but it sounds a little bit like some incel-speak with a different twist. Your sexual fanatsies are just that, fantasies. It's hard to fit in with the crowd but you don't have to do it often to find someone.
Yeah, that's kind of why I mentioned at the end that this post might sound kind of ridiculous to outsiders lol.
One of the main reasons it sounds like incel talk is because the bedrock of this insecurity is gender essentialism, which is an idea that was hammered into my head constantly and very painfully when I was young. Now, it's an incumbent idea that I have to viciously fight against, because if I don't, I default to the established prescriptivist view: that because I deviate from gender roles, the very core of who I am is wrong and incompatible with society, I'm not masculine enough to find love, and my desires aren't compatible with women. These were not just made-up ideas either; they were socially reinforced by nearly every person I talked to in the conservative communities I lived in. I was a pariah because I was different, even in my own family.
I had to think about this stuff extensively because it was the only counter I had to their speech. If I unquestioningly accepted what everyone said about me, I would be dead right now. But because I am willing to spend the time to seek outside information and deconstruct the toxic ideologies that surround me in the real world, I am able to build self-confidence in the face of universal rejection. There was no mentor figure or safe haven in my life who I could talk to about these issues, so I ultimately faced a long, arduous journey of de-programming myself by seeking outside information through the Internet.
It might be hard to believe from this post, but I feel 100 times better about myself today than I did a decade ago. Today, I wholeheartedly accept who I am and believe that I am capable and worthy of love. I'm just trying to figure out how to make intimacy work with my unique attraction patterns, and I'm making good progress on that, too!
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins
In my personal experience, this is pretty much the norm. Women can have just as much sex drive as men, and can express it just as "aggressively". In every relationship I've had, there are times where I'll initiate, times where she'll initiate, and times where we'll both look at each other with a "Yes. Right now." look. Note that I've never been into any BDSM or other "exciting" kink stuff, I'm just talking about initiative and passionately expressing that "I want you" feeling.
Of course, this is a side of women you won't see until you get with someone that both wants you and feels comfortable enough you to express it.
So long story short: What you're looking for is pretty much the norm as far as I can tell.
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I can answer this without even bringing you an essay based on vast personal experience. Get this: you exist, and your circumstances and experiences are hardly uncommon. How could it be anything but highly likely that women who also don't conform to those views also exist?
I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is "I'm uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else" based on no real evidence
Maybe... maybe I'm not the main character...
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I really like this argument because the only response I can come up with is "I'm uniquely kinky/unlucky compared to everyone else" based on no real evidence
Maybe... maybe I'm not the main character...
The truth has no path, it's all chaos
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That's a very revealing view you have about BDSM. No, you don't need to like it or it doesn't need to be your thing, still I want to clean up a huge misconception:
Healthy BDSM is all about consent. It's the central part of it.
"Domination" is kind of a game, and you need a lot of trust to be able to play this. This trust is being established on a foundation of talking things through before on a level where I've rarely seen consent applied before.
This is something to take away, so while the domination and submission thing might totally not be your thing - and that's fine! - relying on explicit consent is something many vanilla people would benefit from.
Do you want this / I would like that / That's fine with me / Sorry, no that's not for me. And even on a "no" response thinking "thank you for telling me, now I know more about you". That's the base where to base eye to eye level relationships on. It requires a bit of courage and we're not used to it.
I do think you feel exactly this, things are about consent. And upbringing / media has shed a weird take on BDSM.
*= Btw BDSM in media has absolutely nothing to do with the real thing, as they just skip the part where people just talk for a long time.
Yeah, I feel like I was pretty intellectually lazy in that part.
What I really mean is that I don't like sexual activity that looks mean or degrading or painful or has dark undertones. It hits an uncanny valley for me because my preferred type of intimacy is all lovey-dovey and responsive to a partner's real-time comfort. I don't think BDSM is bad, it's just not my thing.
Although maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind one day and come up with some unique sunshine-and-rainbows twist on it. It just wouldn't be what immediately comes to mind when people think of BDSM. I mostly added that section to make it clear that I'm not talking about the kind of control that people often associate with BDSM and meant something more nuanced.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
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Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I disagree. I think OP is a switch and is struggling to find someone who is the same.
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Let me shorten that for you: You are a bottom, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But isn't a bottom purely passive/receptive/compliant though? I also fantasize about assertively directing my partner's pleasure too and find the idea thrilling. I didn't talk about it much in the post because that was more expected with traditional gender roles. Wouldn't the right term for me be "switch" or "versatile"?
The reason I need my partner to be assertive still is because I need the back-and-forth aspect to get excited, like in a "You got me good, now it's MY TURN!" kind of way.
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I'll give you some context: I (22M) was raised to believe that heterosexuality and its associated biological drives naturally resulted in paternalistic relationship structures where the man has absolute power and the woman is his willing subject. This dynamic was seen as natural and desirable as long as the man led in good faith. As such, men were active partners who showed initiative, while women were passive partners that responded to a man's advances. Male passivity and female initiative were viewed as unnatural desires.
My tendency to treat others with soft-spoken gentleness and careful consideration instead of stern authority and quick decisiveness made me originally believe that I was incompatible with women despite being attracted to them. I also viscerally hated the idea of subjugating or controlling others because it felt evil. I wanted to work with a partner, not above her.
Additionally, I had fantasies about women initiating affection, taking active roles during intimacy, and expressing a primal hunger to take the reins, fantasies which I believed were impossible to fulfill because my upbringing taught me that female initiative fundamentally did not exist anywhere except in niche fetishes (e.g. femdom), and male passivity would be a turn-off.
The dynamic I find appealing is one in which a partner and I are excited to pursue each other's pleasure by mutually initiating affection/intimacy and taking turns swapping between active and passive roles. My worry is that there aren't a lot of women who have that drive to pursue their partners in an assertive manner. What is that impression based on, you ask? Not much, except the "values" I was raised with and the trashy adult sites that I've looked at over the years.
It may be worth noting that I hate BDSM and power exchange dynamics where one partner is subject to another's command and absolute control. What I crave is a consensual, passionate, and attentive lead over someone's pleasure from a place of love, not domination, and for that initiative to change fluidly between partners.
Is this something with a substantial presence in the real world? How might I find partners who see intimacy in this way as opposed to the "lay down and take it" model? Usually the people on Lemmy have a lot of decently helpful and non-regressive takes, so I'm interested in the opinions here. Thanks!
(And yes, I know that there's a decent chance that I sound completely stupid and embarrassing here because I fell for a multi-generational psyop used to consolidate political power in the hands of evil men, but think about how many millions of people there are who wouldn't even think to question this programming... Also, I don't plan on pursuing a relationship yet because I'm still deconstructing the mountain of lies that I was fed and building my self-confidence, but I think I can make it there eventually.)
The question has already been answered, but I wanna let you in on a little secret; we are all dumb. Even the ones that you think are the smartest among us. They fumble some silly things all the time, just like you and me. Embrace the stupid, I say. Ask questions and be dumb!
Speaking of...anyone wanna tell a dumdum how to do spoiler text on here?
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Yeah, I feel like I was pretty intellectually lazy in that part.
What I really mean is that I don't like sexual activity that looks mean or degrading or painful or has dark undertones. It hits an uncanny valley for me because my preferred type of intimacy is all lovey-dovey and responsive to a partner's real-time comfort. I don't think BDSM is bad, it's just not my thing.
Although maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind one day and come up with some unique sunshine-and-rainbows twist on it. It just wouldn't be what immediately comes to mind when people think of BDSM. I mostly added that section to make it clear that I'm not talking about the kind of control that people often associate with BDSM and meant something more nuanced.
Try looking up "Gentle FemDom" and also the importance of Aftercare in the BDSM community.
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The question has already been answered, but I wanna let you in on a little secret; we are all dumb. Even the ones that you think are the smartest among us. They fumble some silly things all the time, just like you and me. Embrace the stupid, I say. Ask questions and be dumb!
Speaking of...anyone wanna tell a dumdum how to do spoiler text on here?
wrote last edited by [email protected]You're right on the money. I'm pretty bright, but I make mistakes. Just yesterday I misunderstood somebody using the term "binary kids" (in reference to computer binary) here on Lemmy. I had to laugh about it. We're all human, and it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
As to spoiler tags, they're kind of tricky. I have to test them with a preview whenever I use them.
Here's an example of how to use them. If you copy/paste what I wrote below and remove the backslash at the start (which I'm only using to inactivate the tag, for demonstration purposes), you'll have a template for making your own spoiler.
/ ::: spoiler spoiler
spoiler text
:::So if you type:
/ ::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::It becomes:
::: spoiler And the big reveal is
An annoying way to mark-up text
:::One last note - keep the line spacing the way it is. If you don't put the three parts on three different lines, the spoiler tag won't work.
