Middle Aged Folks with no social group: How do you do it?

[stinerman@midwest.social]

I also work from home and have friends at work. I keep up with them. My non-work friends are just people I know from a hockey blog. I have a half dozen of them. Other than that it's my wife and my extended family.

I find that I'm pretty lonely, but I have learned to handle it. I have a bit of social anxiety so I enjoy being at home. I am also depressed, so I try to force myself to do things with family that I otherwise wouldn't do.

If I had none of these people, I would probably be a lot worse with my mental health. But as others have said, to make friends anymore you must actively try to do it. That is unusual for people our age (I'm 41), but we have to learn.

Being from a rural area, I know how unenlightened people from there can be. I hope that you can be yourself while out in public without incident.

[hawke@lemmy.world]

Also rural US here. For me: Play board games, find other folks to play with. Facebook group for better or worse, but over the years other methods help such as FLGS game night, or bar game night.

Also effective for another friend: “retro” / couch-friendly console video game nights. Invite over friends to join.

And another: book club.

These are not all necessarily things I am interested enough in to do on my own, but am happy to join others in. Persistence is key. Just because no one shows up a few times, that’s okay. Be flexible within the context of the activity. It’s fine to hate the book you’re reading, or just hang out to talk/listen even if you don’t want to fully participate. And allow others to do the same, but be welcoming and inviting!

Hope this helps.

[gloomy@mander.xyz]

Same here, we have twins and it has taken every ounce of energy to keep everything going.

A lot of friendships have suffered over the last 2 years. I am slowly trying to get back to people and catch up. It's fine with most, but i fear some may have just moved on.

[blargh513@sh.itjust.works]

Fetlife. If you want friends, why not have kinky sex with them?

[mybrainhurts@lemmy.ca]

I don't live rural and I imagine the conservative bent makes the trans femmeness that much harder.

One thing I haven't seen here though is volunteering. Doing good with other people is a pretty way to get to know people.

In my province, our rural areas practically beg people to volunteer as firefighters (for us, rural generally means the woods) and from every chat I've had with someone doing that, it seems very social.

If there are any Democrat offices etc, they love volunteers.

Hope those kinda help? Good luck!

[slartybartfast@sh.itjust.works]

Active disdain for everyone except my family

[phonics@lemmy.world]

if you keep showing up to the same cafe, perhaps youll get conversing with staff before you open the book. every lil bit helps.

[thebananaking@lemmy.world]

I had a shitty abusive childhood with zero social contact, so I never really learned how to have friends, or thus how to need or really derive much fulfilment from them; all my emotional needs and regulation had to come from within, and I am the part of a person that's left when all the bits that can't survive that are gone.

I got out of there eventually, but by that time it had kind of grown over; I eventually learned to be (slightly) social, but honestly it's a bunch of work for empty calories; I can spend the whole weekend's time/energy/spoons on some group activity but don't get to recharge and it's like not getting a weekend at all.

so in answer to your question I do a lot of hiking.

[paraphrand@lemmy.world]

For the lighter stuff, you should check out VRChat. It’s a mess of a place, but it also has a bunch of people who are in your position, and finding community.

I know that’s a weird one, it’s not for everyone, and I don’t mean to make assumptions. If you’re on Lemmy, you probally already have an opinion about VR/all that.

[stupidbrotherinlaw@lemmy.world]

Book clubs are the way here. Many have a theme, which can help one determine the type of people likely to be in the club.

[thelastofhisname@piefed.social]

If you're a reader, find a book club/discussion group. Also, check your local public library for any group activities that may interest you.

[vivianrixia@piefed.social]

While, I don't go to them, my local comic book shop does nightly events on rotation across multiple CCGs (MtG, Pokemon TCG, Lorcana) Tabletop night and a board game night. Also another good option if there is a comic book store in your area.

[flashmobofone@lemmy.world]

I'm in my 40's, and I guess, I don't feel the need for others because I managed to complete my bucket list in my 20's and 30's, and now I can just kind of enjoy my peace and quiet.

I read a lot of books and sip a lot of wine, and I just enjoy it.

[vanth@reddthat.com]

I'm going to skip over the "find a hobby that gets you outside the house" because I assume you will have thought of this and/or others will elaborate in the comments.

So my attempt at novel advice is not to sleep on online relationships. If your rural community is too small to support a group in your niche interest, find a group online. Be active in the group, asking and contributing, joining and volunteering. You may find it's still 100:1 people you interact with to people you form any sort of lasting relationship with, but that's not really any different than IRL.

One of my sister's longest lasting friendships is with someone she met playing an online Horse Girl^TM game in the 00s. The game has been defunct for a decade, but they stayed friends. They only met in person for the first time when the friend was getting married. You never know when our weirdness vibes with someone else's weird; it's a beautiful thing. She values that online-origin friendship just as much as any IRL-origin friendship.

[veebee@sh.itjust.works]

It ain’t easy. I’ve found this quote from CS Lewis to be true

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”

In other words, friendships are often about or around something. Work friends. Gaming friends. Etc. it’s 100000x easier to talk about something with a stranger and allow more personal things to trickle in.

I was just at PAX West and was waiting in line for an hour. The guy in front of me cracked a joke and I laughed and played along. I asked him if he attended cons a lot. Which led to ones he’d been to and favorite ones which led to the developers who had the best booths to favorite games to favorite movies. We chatted for an hour about stuff we liked. We had lots of similar interests in gaming, movies, etc.

This is where you need to have some interests to talk about and if you don’t, then you need to find some. Hiking, gaming, puzzles, whatever.

Don’t discount online friends too. Find a discord about something you like and just start participating

[gamerman153@lemmynsfw.com]

Wife is basically disabled. When she goes I'll probably do the same. Happiness is hard to find in this USA of today.

[jordanlund@lemmy.world]

It's easy, I hate most people.

Seriously though, social stuff never interested me. Leave me alone with my books, my tech, and my cats. Don't really need anything else.

I make an exception for family, and cooking, and stuff like that, but in general? I'm happy to stay at home.

[freedomadvocate@lemmy.net.au]

You have work colleagues? Have you tried making friends with any of them?

Have you tried doing anything to make friends in any capacity? Friends don’t just drop in your lap while you sit at home.

Also when you say your family and friends all disowned you, was there perhaps also an element of you disowning them over ideological disagreements even if some of them still wanted to remain friends?

[honorarymancunian@lemmy.world]

moving is not an option for me at this time or anytime soon.

How come?

[freedomadvocate@lemmy.net.au]

Yeah it’s completely normal, especially because most people this age have multiple kids that take up most of their free time. People move, change jobs, die, etc and also just don’t have the time to maintain many friendships. It’s normal.

According to most studies the majority of adults have between 1-4 close friends. If you don’t make friends with workmates, even if they’re just “workday friends”, you’ve basically got a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to develop and maintain friendships, and it’s hard when everyone has commitments.