Middle Aged Folks with no social group: How do you do it?

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A few years ago I had a falling out with the people I once considered to be my closest friends. It fucked me up pretty bad, I'm still not over it.

But last year I started leaving the house again. I'd been playing Riichi Mahjong online for years, and one day I just had the bright idea to check if there was any kind of local club near me to play in-person. There was, should've looked into this sooner.

I've met some pretty cool people through this game, and I'm starting to put myself back together at least a little. I can't say my mental health is totally healed, but I'm a little better than where I used to be.

Whatever interests you have, look into any kinds of local hobby groups or activities you can get involved with.

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I wouldn't worry about it too much if you just haven't seen people for a while. I've got friends I see <1 time a year but we pick up where we left off.

I was maybe grumbling on the downlow there about a couple who have become quite flaky and keep cancelling on my partner and I at the last minute. Try to avoid doing that too often!

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Im married so im mostly going through the motions for my wife. Not sure what I would do if she passed away.

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I started programming a couple years back and started going to java meetups. Most meetup groups in my area have many regulars that I know by name now and they know me. They're not friends, but they're nice to meet once a month.

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I don't exactly know. My wife and kids help me stay sane (or push me in the other direction). They are my everything, even though I wish I had some other outlets.

I have a friend I see every year or two.

I had another friend who transitioned and we drifted apart because every conversation revolved around that and as happy as I am for her, our relationship began around gaming and movies and nerd stuff and that glue just faded away. I'm still emotionally invested in her well-being, but we don't have anything in common any more.

Another close friend lost his job and moved states to live with his brother and mom

And that's basically it. Other than my family, I just have social media, but I'm pretty private and don't really open myself up online, preferring to interact anonymously. So I don't have any advice to help, but you're not alone (in a totally unhelpful way).

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Mid-50s here. Maybe not quite as isolated as you. Stopped working (60 hour weeks) a few years ago; family all 4+ hours away - visit 2ce/year; couple of friends on the other coast I exchange daily-ish emails, but no hang-out-and-watch-the-game people.

Everyone's different, and I don't really feel the emptyness you describe. I read, both print and web. I post on lemmy maybe 1/day, sometimes twice, sometimes not for days, but reading threads here, I think, satisfies my need for interaction, even if it's just voyeuristically watching other people's conversation. Video games, all single-player. Youtube cooking channels and a bit of my own cooking - can't really cook that much for one person. Some wood/craft/metal projects.

I thought I'd become lonely when I stopped working. Planned to look around for volunteer opportunities, maybe take up a yoga or other fitness-type class, but that loneliness or emptyness just hasn't hit. I did spend a couple years sort of tapering off contact with the people I used to work with: get coffee on the weekend or consult on some project, but I haven't even heard from them in years now.

All that just to say: the people you see flourishing may just have a different experience of social satisfaction than you, and just because you see someone apparently happy in a situation doesn't mean you can be happy in the same sitch. There's lots of good advice in this thread, but you can start even smaller. Check in with a neighbor - make up some pretense if you need, like baked too many cookies, harvested too many tomatoes, can't lift heavy-thing into the right place. If they aren't complete assholes for that 5 minutes, try something else. If they are, try a different neighbor.

On the 'in case of emergency' thing: the last time I needed a ride to a medical thing, because they won't discharge you to Uber, my neighbor was right there. Lived next door to him for 20 years, but we exchange, maybe, three sentences in a month. I don't even know his daughter's name or the grandkids that visit periodically. I don't know what I'll do if/when I start to have medical stuff that needs recovery assistance. Maybe a home health worker. Maybe just hope I can hold out until Medicare will pay for inpatient rehab. But I was happy to see the 'community pulls together to help its own' phenomenon in person, even a recluse like me.

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The scariest part is pushing for that next step to be friends. Meeting outside the club and then actually getting to know each other, being vulnerable with people.

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I also work from home and have friends at work. I keep up with them. My non-work friends are just people I know from a hockey blog. I have a half dozen of them. Other than that it's my wife and my extended family.

I find that I'm pretty lonely, but I have learned to handle it. I have a bit of social anxiety so I enjoy being at home. I am also depressed, so I try to force myself to do things with family that I otherwise wouldn't do.

If I had none of these people, I would probably be a lot worse with my mental health. But as others have said, to make friends anymore you must actively try to do it. That is unusual for people our age (I'm 41), but we have to learn.

Being from a rural area, I know how unenlightened people from there can be. I hope that you can be yourself while out in public without incident.

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Also rural US here. For me: Play board games, find other folks to play with. Facebook group for better or worse, but over the years other methods help such as FLGS game night, or bar game night.

Also effective for another friend: “retro” / couch-friendly console video game nights. Invite over friends to join.

And another: book club.

These are not all necessarily things I am interested enough in to do on my own, but am happy to join others in. Persistence is key. Just because no one shows up a few times, that’s okay. Be flexible within the context of the activity. It’s fine to hate the book you’re reading, or just hang out to talk/listen even if you don’t want to fully participate. And allow others to do the same, but be welcoming and inviting!

Hope this helps.

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Same here, we have twins and it has taken every ounce of energy to keep everything going.

A lot of friendships have suffered over the last 2 years. I am slowly trying to get back to people and catch up. It's fine with most, but i fear some may have just moved on.

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Fetlife. If you want friends, why not have kinky sex with them?

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I don't live rural and I imagine the conservative bent makes the trans femmeness that much harder.

One thing I haven't seen here though is volunteering. Doing good with other people is a pretty way to get to know people.

In my province, our rural areas practically beg people to volunteer as firefighters (for us, rural generally means the woods) and from every chat I've had with someone doing that, it seems very social.

If there are any Democrat offices etc, they love volunteers.

Hope those kinda help? Good luck!

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Active disdain for everyone except my family

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if you keep showing up to the same cafe, perhaps youll get conversing with staff before you open the book. every lil bit helps.

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I had a shitty abusive childhood with zero social contact, so I never really learned how to have friends, or thus how to need or really derive much fulfilment from them; all my emotional needs and regulation had to come from within, and I am the part of a person that's left when all the bits that can't survive that are gone.

I got out of there eventually, but by that time it had kind of grown over; I eventually learned to be (slightly) social, but honestly it's a bunch of work for empty calories; I can spend the whole weekend's time/energy/spoons on some group activity but don't get to recharge and it's like not getting a weekend at all.

so in answer to your question I do a lot of hiking.

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For the lighter stuff, you should check out VRChat. It’s a mess of a place, but it also has a bunch of people who are in your position, and finding community.

I know that’s a weird one, it’s not for everyone, and I don’t mean to make assumptions. If you’re on Lemmy, you probally already have an opinion about VR/all that.

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Book clubs are the way here. Many have a theme, which can help one determine the type of people likely to be in the club.

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If you're a reader, find a book club/discussion group. Also, check your local public library for any group activities that may interest you.

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While, I don't go to them, my local comic book shop does nightly events on rotation across multiple CCGs (MtG, Pokemon TCG, Lorcana) Tabletop night and a board game night. Also another good option if there is a comic book store in your area.

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I'm in my 40's, and I guess, I don't feel the need for others because I managed to complete my bucket list in my 20's and 30's, and now I can just kind of enjoy my peace and quiet.

I read a lot of books and sip a lot of wine, and I just enjoy it.

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Middle Aged Folks with no social group: How do you do it?