How did you get your children to go to day care?
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My pov: working in a kindergarten in Finland.
It's really up to the parents but very few took advantage of the option to stay with their kids the whole time for weeks on end.
Anyhow, most of the time, however clingy and teary the kid is, they come around a few minutes after the parent left and start having a good time.
Parents need to be told this, encouraged to let go just like the kids.
And then it depends how the parents react when they pick their kid up: do they fuss, do they have a bad conscience, do they even ask the kid if it was sad, in other words, do they enforce and even reward the clinging, or do they encourage them to take their first steps into independence?I'm not saying it isn't hard for kids, going to kindergarten for the first time. Social pressure, stress. But it's harder if parents are very protective and/or the kid had very little contact with other kids until then.
No idea what the situation is like where you live, but I'd go mad if I had 10 kids + 10 parents during the whole day for a whole week.
edit: hmm, this is also age dependent. I was working with kids 3 and up.
wrote last edited by [email protected]Usually the institutions will try to have the different kids with their parents at different timetables of the day and start on different days.
Usually after a few days the parents will be sent out and gradually lower their time spent in the institution.Also you normally have different professionals take care of different new kids so you don’t have to take care of all the parents and new kids every day.
Yes, it means you will have a few days and maybe weeks at the start of the kindergarten year where you got some parents there whatching your every move, but you get used to that very fast, especially if you have the feeling you know what you are doing (basically meaning experience).
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Drop child off at daycare.
Child may cry. Child may be sad for a short time. Child is not in any actual danger and will get over it. Repeat the next day. Next day, child cries less. Child is sad for shorter amount of time. Child is still not in any actual danger. Repeat the next day.
Your kids are going to cry sometimes. That's life. You can not protect them from everything, and trying to will cause more long-term emotional damage than just having them learn early on that things can not always be absolutely perfect
I share your opinion. Unfortunately the weird method that takes weeks and moves at a snail's pace isn't optional here at our day care. Speaking from experience with our first child: it would have been absolutely fine to leave her there for the entire day much, much earlier, since she really enjoyed going from the first day.
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Usually the institutions will try to have the different kids with their parents at different timetables of the day and start on different days.
Usually after a few days the parents will be sent out and gradually lower their time spent in the institution.Also you normally have different professionals take care of different new kids so you don’t have to take care of all the parents and new kids every day.
Yes, it means you will have a few days and maybe weeks at the start of the kindergarten year where you got some parents there whatching your every move, but you get used to that very fast, especially if you have the feeling you know what you are doing (basically meaning experience).
wrote last edited by [email protected]Usually the institutions will try to have the different kids with their parents at different timetables of the day and start on different days.
Huh, so it's a whole thing in Germany.
Usually after a few days the parents will be sent out
Sane.
My thoughts on this will differ a lot depending on how old the kids are, and a few other factors.
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Hey there,
The models for starting in a kindergarten in Germany have a simple reason:
Stuffing your 1 to 5 old into a completely strange surrounding with 11 to 24 other completely strange children with 2 to 4 (or even more) completely strange adults with a completely strange daily routine and for your kid for a completely unforseeable timeframe is bound to cause issues for your child.
Especially if your child was not prepared beforehand by spending time without you (grandparents f.e) and/or time with other children.The time it takes your kid to adjust to the new setting depends highly on the professionals you are working with, your attitude in that setting (f.e. Anxiety, curiosity) and the mindset of your child. There might be anxious children with strangers, there might be exploring types of kids and a whole lot in between.
Studies say and from my personal experience they are right: if you give your kid time to adjust and trust the new setting it will be emotionally stronger later on. For example in situations where things don’t work out as they planned or they are scared or hurt.
Of course the professionals will try and probably can make your kid happy for a set timeframe if you just drop it off in a strange environment and fuck off.
That’s their job.
And your kid will learn to cope over time.But how on earth is your kid supposed to earn a deep sense of security and trust if you - for your kid - can just randomly drop them off somewhere and come back after an incomprehensible timeframe?
But your child will not as well and deeply learn to trust, adjust and manage that way.That being said, if it takes you months without a setback by illness or something like that, something is going wrong.
Talk to the professionals about that and what their current goal is.This is what we dealt with last time we tried childcare. We attempted to put him at a nice place at age 2, but he was just not ready and too attached to us to have a good experience. He stuck it out for a couple of months but the light left his eyes as soon as he realized we were gone. We pulled him out and kept him home for another year.
When we mentioned trying it again to him, he was immediately anxious about being left. The day we were supposed to start he was scream crying and inconsolable. The people at the daycare kept saying "just drop him off, don't worry, we can distract him" but I didn't want to betray his trust again. We took it slow, we went on a tour, spent some time with his teachers, and then did an hour of him playing without me there. We built up the length of time without us over a few more days, and now we have a much better foundation of trust and familiarity. He actively looks forward to going now, which is huge for him.
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Where I live, Germany, it is very common to spend weeks, sometimes even months, trying to slowly get a child used to going to day care. In my home country, the Netherlands, this wasn't really a thing when I was younger and, from what I've learned from people with young children there, isn't common even today. That got me thinking.
Are there many differences between countries when it comes to day care and specifically getting your children to go to day care in the first place?
We're currently getting our second child used to day care. For our first child the entire process took six weeks and represented the Idea trajectory - nobody was ill, she liked going there, she liked eating there and she didn't make a fuss when it was time to sleep there. Still, this represents a significant investment of time (and therefore money) for any working parent. Sometimes it seems really absurd and impractical. I get the impression that the entire day care system in Germany revolves around the idea that mothers don't work or, if they do, it's only ever part time.
How does this look like in other countries? I've linked an article (in German, but translation services are available) about the system we're stuck with here, if anyone wants to dive deeper.
In Japan they ramp up the time the kid is in the daycare over a week or two. But the parent doesn't stay in the daycare.
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Usually the institutions will try to have the different kids with their parents at different timetables of the day and start on different days.
Huh, so it's a whole thing in Germany.
Usually after a few days the parents will be sent out
Sane.
My thoughts on this will differ a lot depending on how old the kids are, and a few other factors.
Yes, it is a whole thing. There are different models with different time frames and it gets tought in the education of the daycare professionals.
I am talking kids aging 0,6 to 3. That is the lower range in Germany and normally you would start with daycare in that age frame.
(Not taking into Account Bavaria. I think you get shot or something as a mother if you even think about giving your child to daycare there)Usually it can be more difficult with older kids though if they have no experience in daycare, since they are more used to only relate to their parents and spending time with them.
Also they might faster realize their parents are going to leave them there and that this is going to become the norm for their days. Understandably they are not gonna like that right off the bat.I worked in other countries as well and it was quite a shock culture wise to have people expect you to rip the crying child of their arms and throw activities at them for up to 9 hours so they get distracted.
As I said, sure, the child will cope over time and calm down. But in the long run I doubt it is a good thing development wise. Starting off you WILL distract them from their feelings and that is not the best way to learn how to deal with your emotions all the time. -
Yes, it is a whole thing. There are different models with different time frames and it gets tought in the education of the daycare professionals.
I am talking kids aging 0,6 to 3. That is the lower range in Germany and normally you would start with daycare in that age frame.
(Not taking into Account Bavaria. I think you get shot or something as a mother if you even think about giving your child to daycare there)Usually it can be more difficult with older kids though if they have no experience in daycare, since they are more used to only relate to their parents and spending time with them.
Also they might faster realize their parents are going to leave them there and that this is going to become the norm for their days. Understandably they are not gonna like that right off the bat.I worked in other countries as well and it was quite a shock culture wise to have people expect you to rip the crying child of their arms and throw activities at them for up to 9 hours so they get distracted.
As I said, sure, the child will cope over time and calm down. But in the long run I doubt it is a good thing development wise. Starting off you WILL distract them from their feelings and that is not the best way to learn how to deal with your emotions all the time.wrote last edited by [email protected]We have kindergarten precursors for smaller kids here.
Also, dads do any of that (almost) as much as mums.
Starting off you WILL distract them from their feelings and that is not the best way to learn how to deal with your emotions all the time.
I resent that. We do very well help kids to deal with their feelings. Teach emotions, empathy. And also have empathy for them. Words of consolation, a lap to sit in.
[redacted]
Give kids more credit. They are social creatures and ideally they do relate to many differen people right from the start.
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Gradually over a few days? Not over weeks or months, no.
My son cried for nearly a year. He has neurodivergencies, not known at the toddler years, and the daycare worker was rigid. It wasn't a right match.
I didn't know what to do then, but I still wish I could have found a different daycare for him sooner. He was fine with more "fun loving" types. Her rigidity had my son go selectively mute when he was at her daycare. Drop offs were hell, I wish I had the knowledge to advocate for myself and my son better back then.
He definitely had severe separation anxiety, it was rough for awhile.
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My son cried for nearly a year. He has neurodivergencies, not known at the toddler years, and the daycare worker was rigid. It wasn't a right match.
I didn't know what to do then, but I still wish I could have found a different daycare for him sooner. He was fine with more "fun loving" types. Her rigidity had my son go selectively mute when he was at her daycare. Drop offs were hell, I wish I had the knowledge to advocate for myself and my son better back then.
He definitely had severe separation anxiety, it was rough for awhile.
I'm sorry that happened to your child and to you by proxy. Sounds like a really bad time. Hopefully it wasn't all bad.
Take care.
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Where I live, Germany, it is very common to spend weeks, sometimes even months, trying to slowly get a child used to going to day care. In my home country, the Netherlands, this wasn't really a thing when I was younger and, from what I've learned from people with young children there, isn't common even today. That got me thinking.
Are there many differences between countries when it comes to day care and specifically getting your children to go to day care in the first place?
We're currently getting our second child used to day care. For our first child the entire process took six weeks and represented the Idea trajectory - nobody was ill, she liked going there, she liked eating there and she didn't make a fuss when it was time to sleep there. Still, this represents a significant investment of time (and therefore money) for any working parent. Sometimes it seems really absurd and impractical. I get the impression that the entire day care system in Germany revolves around the idea that mothers don't work or, if they do, it's only ever part time.
How does this look like in other countries? I've linked an article (in German, but translation services are available) about the system we're stuck with here, if anyone wants to dive deeper.
In the US our child started going at 6 weeks old.
Daycare (and now preschool) is just as normal to her as being at home. Especially since in her three years she’s probably had over a dozen different teachers. She’s learned to warm up to new people and situations quickly.I also work in an elementary school. (5 to 11 years old). I see kids that didn’t go to school at all before coming to us. Even some are homeschooled for a few years before starting school. I can usually tell the difference between kids who went to some kind of preschool (3-4 year old program, even part time) and who hasn’t. It’s not always a bad thing but it’s a harder adjustment for those kids.
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In the US our child started going at 6 weeks old.
Daycare (and now preschool) is just as normal to her as being at home. Especially since in her three years she’s probably had over a dozen different teachers. She’s learned to warm up to new people and situations quickly.I also work in an elementary school. (5 to 11 years old). I see kids that didn’t go to school at all before coming to us. Even some are homeschooled for a few years before starting school. I can usually tell the difference between kids who went to some kind of preschool (3-4 year old program, even part time) and who hasn’t. It’s not always a bad thing but it’s a harder adjustment for those kids.
Where I live, here in Germany, it's unusual for children younger than one to go to any kind of day care. Starting at around age one I'd estimate that around one third of children go to day care. By age three virtually all children go to Kindergarten. In my home country, the Netherlands, it's much more common for children younger than one to go to day care.
What I find baffling though is that this German system is that it's fully geared towards mothers staying at home for very long periods of time. Not only does this not make sense on a macroeconomic level, but it also deprives people of social interactions that don't stem from being a parent, at least in my opinion.
Well, at least our day care is dirt cheap here, coming in at 280 € per month per child for five days a week between 7 am and 4 pm.
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Where I live, here in Germany, it's unusual for children younger than one to go to any kind of day care. Starting at around age one I'd estimate that around one third of children go to day care. By age three virtually all children go to Kindergarten. In my home country, the Netherlands, it's much more common for children younger than one to go to day care.
What I find baffling though is that this German system is that it's fully geared towards mothers staying at home for very long periods of time. Not only does this not make sense on a macroeconomic level, but it also deprives people of social interactions that don't stem from being a parent, at least in my opinion.
Well, at least our day care is dirt cheap here, coming in at 280 € per month per child for five days a week between 7 am and 4 pm.
Out daycare costs were between $205-305 a week, so between $820-1,225 a month. Once she’s 5, school is free.
Being a new mom can definitely be isolating and I’m not a person who does well at being home. I like being active and doing things. I don’t regret having my kid in daycare. I do think the United States needs to do better at giving mothers the choice though. It’s almost impossible to be a single income family, especially with multiple children. But then daycare is so expensive too.
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I'm sorry that happened to your child and to you by proxy. Sounds like a really bad time. Hopefully it wasn't all bad.
Take care.
Thanks. It's been ten years, I've learned to advocate for my son and myself over this time, and found a support system.
I felt trapped then. Thanks for understanding.
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Thanks. It's been ten years, I've learned to advocate for my son and myself over this time, and found a support system.
I felt trapped then. Thanks for understanding.
Love to hear that you came out stronger. I have two kids about to "graduate" preschool, I can definitely relate to the stress.
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Love to hear that you came out stronger. I have two kids about to "graduate" preschool, I can definitely relate to the stress.
It's really some of the hardest years I think.
They say parenting doesn't get easier, the challenges just change, which is true to an extent. The first 5 years or so, I'd say, the challenges can push you pretty hard.
It becomes much easier once a kid understands reason and can fully communicate. Before that, aye. I certainly sympathize.
