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  3. Everybody gets one [choose wisely]

Everybody gets one [choose wisely]

Scheduled Pinned Locked Moved Lemmy Shitpost
lemmyshitpost
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  • B [email protected]

    I would like sanity to be part of our country again. Too big an ask?

    balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
    balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
    [email protected]
    wrote last edited by
    #119

    Sanity is a part of the country again but does not prevail against opposing forces:

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

      In a flash, everyone's prime directive is empathy. Our modern systems of government based on greed and sex drive crumble away. In its place rises the Feelings Bureaucracy; a dictatorial government in which social offenses, inflicted on the unified society of empathic feelers, is punished severely. The fastest way to deal with bad actors to ensure they do not make others feel bad is to execute them. In response, the world develops a culture of putting another's needs before one's own, or else:

      G This user is from outside of this forum
      G This user is from outside of this forum
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      wrote last edited by
      #120

      Sounds like what chuds think the world is already like

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      • R [email protected]

        A bagel.

        No. Wait.

        Two bagels.

        balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
        balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
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        wrote last edited by
        #121

        The next time that you eat at a restaurant and are entirely full, two fresh artisanal bagels are delivered to your table: they're complementary.

        R 1 Reply Last reply
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        • F [email protected]

          Can you get me the Chalupa Supreme combo with 1 steak and 1 chicken?

          balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
          balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
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          wrote last edited by
          #122

          Granted, but it was previously discarded. Still edible though:

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          • hupf@feddit.orgH [email protected]

            [email protected]

            balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
            balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
            [email protected]
            wrote last edited by
            #123

            Oh I am absolutely loving this community. Happy cake day btw

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            • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

              The next time that you eat at a restaurant and are entirely full, two fresh artisanal bagels are delivered to your table: they're complementary.

              R This user is from outside of this forum
              R This user is from outside of this forum
              [email protected]
              wrote last edited by
              #124

              Do you want one? I couldn't possibly eat two...

              balderdash9@lemmy.zipB 1 Reply Last reply
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              • W [email protected]

                The ability to restart parts of my life from a save file, starting from like 16.

                dasus@lemmy.worldD This user is from outside of this forum
                dasus@lemmy.worldD This user is from outside of this forum
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                wrote last edited by
                #125

                16? Why limit yourself? Why not go back to like two years old and shock everyone with your maturity?

                W 1 Reply Last reply
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                • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

                  The first time you activate your power, you are unknowingly stuck in a time loop. Each time you reactivate the power, the loop gets shorter from the point in time you restarted. Basically the movie Groundhog Day but the time loop partially depends on you:

                  dasus@lemmy.worldD This user is from outside of this forum
                  dasus@lemmy.worldD This user is from outside of this forum
                  [email protected]
                  wrote last edited by [email protected]
                  #126

                  The image made me think of this one weird "song" I used to listen to somewhat when I used to do nitrous oxide, years ago.

                  https://youtu.be/6AuQPqJPSKE

                  Preview doesn't seem to be working, but it's the same illustration.

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                  • A [email protected]

                    To see all Oaken Tower players have their computer mice overheat when playing that game. To the point where an hour of playing it would make their mice unusable.

                    balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                    balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
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                    wrote last edited by
                    #127

                    You have a video of this happening that you may see on your computer at any time. They look really frustrated, but it doesn't happen in real life:

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                    • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

                      You got it. Post apocalyptic scenario ends all forms of investment and monetary exchange. We go back to the barter system:

                      W This user is from outside of this forum
                      W This user is from outside of this forum
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                      wrote last edited by
                      #128

                      Is that still from Life After People?

                      balderdash9@lemmy.zipB 1 Reply Last reply
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                      • A [email protected]

                        Popcorn Shrimp rain, please.

                        balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                        balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                        [email protected]
                        wrote last edited by
                        #129

                        Perfectly cooked popcorn shrimp pour out of the sky. Animals run for cover; scientists scratch their heads; people stand in the streets, mouth open, catching popcorn shrimp in pure whimsy. The rain is global and lasts for a week. The excessive nutrients poured into the world's ecological systems causes eutrophication, a total environmental catastrophe:

                        1 Reply Last reply
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                        • W [email protected]

                          Is that still from Life After People?

                          balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
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                          [email protected]
                          wrote last edited by
                          #130

                          Yes it is, good eye

                          W 1 Reply Last reply
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                          • fattony@lemmy.worldF [email protected]

                            Well I have never had a girlfriend before. And I would really like to have one. So, how about that?

                            balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                            balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                            [email protected]
                            wrote last edited by
                            #131

                            You now have a fully conscious virtual girlfriend in your phone:

                            fattony@lemmy.worldF 1 Reply Last reply
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                            • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]
                              This post did not contain any content.
                              P This user is from outside of this forum
                              P This user is from outside of this forum
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                              wrote last edited by
                              #132

                              This fucking house to close. Jesus, just get done already.

                              balderdash9@lemmy.zipB 1 Reply Last reply
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                              • R [email protected]

                                Do you want one? I couldn't possibly eat two...

                                balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                [email protected]
                                wrote last edited by
                                #133

                                Don't mind if I do!

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                                • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

                                  You now have a fully conscious virtual girlfriend in your phone:

                                  fattony@lemmy.worldF This user is from outside of this forum
                                  fattony@lemmy.worldF This user is from outside of this forum
                                  [email protected]
                                  wrote last edited by [email protected]
                                  #134

                                  If I break my phone, will it kill her? Because I had a little accident just now...

                                  balderdash9@lemmy.zipB 1 Reply Last reply
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                                  • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]
                                    This post did not contain any content.
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                                    wrote last edited by [email protected]
                                    #135

                                    I'd like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent without requiring specific location, action or other ritual) and know the answers to those questions, but with the following stipulations:

                                    • that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
                                    • that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
                                    • that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
                                    • that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
                                    • that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
                                    • that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
                                    • that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
                                    J balderdash9@lemmy.zipB 2 Replies Last reply
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                                    • P [email protected]

                                      This fucking house to close. Jesus, just get done already.

                                      balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                      balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                      [email protected]
                                      wrote last edited by
                                      #136

                                      Granted. All of the doors and windows of the house close, simultaneously.

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                                      • balderdash9@lemmy.zipB [email protected]

                                        Yes it is, good eye

                                        W This user is from outside of this forum
                                        W This user is from outside of this forum
                                        [email protected]
                                        wrote last edited by
                                        #137

                                        One of the best shows in the history of television.

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                                        • fattony@lemmy.worldF [email protected]

                                          If I break my phone, will it kill her? Because I had a little accident just now...

                                          balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                          balderdash9@lemmy.zipB This user is from outside of this forum
                                          [email protected]
                                          wrote last edited by
                                          #138

                                          Her memory is not tied to the cloud. So, in one sense, yes...

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