how do I grow a thicker skin and change my reactions to adversity?

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Your reading of that rejection is spot on! It was immature and unprofessional. You might ask yourself if you wish to remain in such an environment.

To your question;
Consider the duck...
Imagine the droplets of water on it's back as troubles and difficult situations it's carrying. Then watch as the droplets slip right off.

These situations are not reflections of you, they're just situations in which you happen to be immersed.

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So, to be clear this was an application to move to another part of the same company?

I don't know you, but being thin skinned isn't a trait I associate with any form of autism, so I wouldn't worry about that specifically. Misinterpreting things is a bigger possibility - it could just be that the new boss doesn't want big personnel changes right as he's getting his footing. (Would you?)

Except that I don’t know how to deal with it. And I don’t want to deal with it, because it is unfair that what others think and talk about you makes your career more difficult.

Speaking for myself, once I've understood the situation, gamed out every option and picked the one that's best, I find a kind of peace - even if that option is really, really demeaning and hard. I hope you can find something like that too.

A reminder that "dealing with it" doesn't just mean stoicism. Now, I don't have all the details here, and I only have your side of the story, but you can still set boundaries with neurotypical people. If you're successful, you almost by definition are going to have options. Do you want to quit? Maybe even pursue a different career path? Or, is continuing as normal the best option?

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most people understand and accept others' social orientation

You probably aren't an introvert, because that's honestly far from a "most people" thing

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My personal target is 105% of the performing mark, when I'm in a churn and earn job somewhere that I don't want to promote.

That wiggle room is enough to keep me above the performing mark if there are any productivity impactors outside of my control that my company refuses to adjust for (that has happened to me in jobs before), and it also keeps me off of bottom-performer lists when layoffs roll through. And it's barely more than the bare minimum. Win / win / win.

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You want ceramic plates, not steel. Steel plates are cheap, but they can throw slag when hit. Not good for you or nearby friendlies.

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Stoicism in the Marcus Aurelius sense has some value here. There are things you can change and things that you can't. Recognize the difference. It might mean recognizing you get upset about the things you can't change, but as a framework it puts a lot into perspective

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With an attitude like that you are overperforming by 105%

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You seem to be ready for either mindfulness meditation or Stoic philosophy. Neither one provides a quick fix, but the benefits accumulate over time.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you peace.

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Very eloquently put. Thanks for sharing your insights.

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i'm on the spectrum too and one of the things that life has taught me the hard way is not to take life advice from neurotypicals; it's not that they're wrong or malicious, it's only that they don't have a life that's anything like yours so their advice usually doesn't work or it's not applicable.

neurodivergence requires you to build your own mechanisms for handling the shit life throws at you and it also guarantees that you'll fail more often than not if you don't get professionally trained help; what you're feeling will keep happening until you do get that help.

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He's a new manager working through a merger. He may be friendly and approachable, but he's got a lot on his plate.

He asked everyone to stay in their position. you applied for a new position. In his eyes, what kind of impression might you have made? Now he may still be friendly and approachable. More than likely, he saw it and said, "I don't have time for this."

If you want a change and need to do it through your manager, figure out what his problems are and if you can be helpful. If not, just do your job well. Then when the difficulties of the merger have balanced out, you may have space to ask again.

During a merger, things are complicated and messy. He has pressures that you may not be aware of. Advancing in your workplace often requires soft skills. They may seem mercurial and difficult, but it's just a set of skills.

As for thicker skin, first feel what is happening. Don't try to change it or wish it different. Gather data about how your emotional mind works and work with what it is and not what everyone says it should be.

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Walk barefoot in the woods and take up guitar.

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it also guarantees that you’ll fail more often than not if you don’t get professionally trained help

would you DM me to explain what kind of help you got and how it helped?

If you're talking about masking, isn't it hard? like constantly being on edge pretending to be something you're not, faking being what extroverted neurotypicals want you to be.

At the workplace it would mean working 200%: doing my job and then constantly placating them. Who does that?

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masking is an extremely common coping technique that neurodivergents teach themselves and, yes, also exhausting. (and i would dm' but i don't mind sharing it here).

i've gotten several forms of help; but the most useful was talk therapy. i had to try with multiple different psychologists until i learned that they're not all the same and all of them are human beings with their own human foibles; so you'll have to actively listen and analyze your therapist as much as they're training to analyze you. the worst help i got were from psychiatrists who focused on pushed medications that were mere bandages for the problems i had.

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I mean, it dovetails into nihilism too. God and cosmic justice is dead, we have to figure out how to work with what we have.

Unfortunately both nihilism and stoicism have a different meaning to the average reader than the original one.

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Agreed. Many philosophies get distilled into something proximal, and often more negative over time. Just ask 4chan about nietzsche (or don't)

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I find talk therapy is the best for us NDs. The therapy itself is such a relief and while you are describing your problems, the therapist is getting to know you and you are getting to know them.

I've also recently heard of some interpersonal skills (like non attachment )from Dialectical Behavior Therapy be fleshed out in different ways from the book the "Let Them Theory" by Mell Robins. I found the tweaks to the techniques here to be incredibly useful in short-circuiting the emotional responses I feel in the moment during difficult interpersonal interactions.

Maybe it will help you? I don't know. I'm just listing what has helped me.

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how do I grow a thicker skin and change my reactions to adversity?