is this how extroverts function?
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Okay, first off, fellow introvert here:
The problem you're describing isn't really an introvert-extrovert thing, it's a sociable-antisocial thing. I think your gender dynamics theory has some merit, too, but what you need to understand is that, before, you were acting antisocial.
Ignoring people is antisocial, and moreso when it's people talking about their feelings. To you that was worthless drama but to them it was their emotional experience. Now you're engaging; and yes, with hostility, but at least there's communication and connection.
And in my experience, a lot of more blunt people have trouble telling passive-aggression apart from a more indirect communication style. "Did you email Bob from shipping yet?" is very blunt, to the point of rudeness. "It's important that Shipping is up-to-date on these developments, Bob is their point person" is much less confrontational.
So I'd say it's not being a jerk that's improved your situation, it's matching communication styles with your teammates.
Really insightful comment. I did not understand OPs perspective at all but it feels like you've hit the nail on the head.
When I first joined the work force I had this idea that 'I was there to do a job not make friends.' but that attitude made me miserable
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Yes, i've made more or less the same experiences.
I tended to be shy, kind and gentle when i was a child/teenager. My mother always pressured me to "make more noise", which just means, be more rude. Another girl in my class that kinda liked me also informed me that i would have to be "more self-conscious", what i interpret as "more arrogant". I hate it.
Funnily enough, now that i have adapted to society and tend to treat other people a bit more roughly in general, and try not to be "too friendly", people call me out on that again and ask me to "show more respect".
TL;DR: People are assholes; Ignore 90% of what they say, if possible. Just be yourself. It's the best person you could possibly be.
People are assholes; Ignore 90% of what they say, if possible. Just be yourself. It’s the best person you could possibly be.
I'm surprised to see that your post has been upvoted. Usually the shy, quiet ones are mistaken for arrogant jerks and get bullied and downvoted by the extroverts.
I'm actually conflicted because on one hand I want to be me, my freedom above everything else, I choose my friends and the people I open up to and otoh I wonder if I should play theatrics for short bursts of time (like 2 minutes) to placate some people's fragile egos.
My teenager self with my parents were like yours: open up, talk more, you are not normal (yup, my father told me that). They bullied me and I tried that for a week, extremely tiring and ridiculous to talk to them about stupid sh*t I don't care about just to please the needy extroverts, but obviously I would go back to my normal self, because they are so tiring. My parents didn't respect me, same as these needy coworkers now.
It doesn't make any sense trying to change a person's personality. So sad that extroverts feel we do this because we hate them.
I still don't know what the ideal solution is, or if there's an ideal solution.
thanks for your post and good luck to you.
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That is something a hr manager would say. No need to realign my thinking at all. Thank you. I've tried too many times to get out of my shell because I've been told to. And guess what, I don't tick that way because me, I'm an actual real introvert and have learned my lesson.
I'm not so sure myself. I want to be me and choose who I open up to but sadly this society is run by extroverts. Not many of them understand that some people work better in silence and are not interested in their lives. They act like I hate them but what I feel is indifference. Some of them are reeeeally thin skinned.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With them I don't need to play theatrics. It's the loud, yelling ones the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
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If you want a productive outcome the first thing you'll probably need to do is realign your thinking about this. You're not having "to placate needy people with attention this way", these are your teammates, and above all, other human beings, and they're inviting you to be part of their group. Engaging with them isn't doing them a favour, it's doing you a favour. Yes, some people will take the slightest opportunity to talk your ear off, but not engaging at all is just setting up walls that leave you on the outside. Equally, you need to respect your need for focus and lack of distraction, which can certainly be tricky if everyone else is reliving the drama of their weekend.
I'm certainly more on the introverted side of things, but I've found it very beneficial to get myself out of my shell regularly to talk to other people at work. The best way I've found is to effectively 'time box' chatting time. Find times when people are generally more relaxed and chatty and you're not focusing on work. I've found lunch time is often good as people will chat, but also have natural reasons to break off themselves. Maybe they go to the gym, or are meeting a friend for lunch, or maybe they just want a bit of peace and quiet! Whatever it is, it's a good opportunity to chat for a few minutes, then if they don't break it off, you can plead a prior engagement and break away without upsetting anyone. Even claiming you have to get back to your desk to finish a report will do. Once people find they can interact with you, but only a bit, they'll often self-regulate.
TLDR: loose the attitude that you're having to "placate" the "needy" and start seeing socialising as an opportunity to develop better conbections with your team. You never know when that can come in handy.
Challenge yourself to relax and spend at least 2 minutes socialising in a friendly way tomorrow, then work on extending that up to a point tgat people seem comfortable with, without them swamping you. You've already handed in your notice, so you have the perfect, low consequence situation to practice in.
thanks for answering.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can and want to keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With these ones I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones with no boundaries the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
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Really insightful comment. I did not understand OPs perspective at all but it feels like you've hit the nail on the head.
When I first joined the work force I had this idea that 'I was there to do a job not make friends.' but that attitude made me miserable
could yo describe why it made you miserable? To me a job is something I do for money, not because I need friends. There are bars and clubs to meet people.
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They take offense because "wanting nothing from them" implies that they have nothing to offer. Even if this is true, it's still rude to imply.
And yeah, pretty much the only way to get needy conversationalists off your back is to throw them a bone once in a while, even if it's only a "ooh that's rough, but whatcha gonna do?" or a "not bad, yourself?"
wrote on last edited by [email protected].
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thanks for answering.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can and want to keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With these ones I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones with no boundaries the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
I definitely feel your pain with the loud, no boundaries ones, they can be exhausting if you either don't or can't manage them efficiently. That's where I found that engaging on my terms at times that gave natural reasons to break off helped. I found most people were a lot less likely to dump if I was 'in' the group, but just seemed busy/preoccupied, rather than when I was 'out' of the group.
Think of it this way, being able to socially interact with your team in a normal work environment is a useful skill, and like any skill you only get better at it by practising. It might be hard work initially, but you've got a great opportunity right now, so go for it. It's no great loss if it doesn't go smoothly, you're heading for the door anyway.
Good luck, and remember, if it all gets too much, you need to go, you've got to have that report on your boss's desk by the end of business today.
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That is something a hr manager would say. No need to realign my thinking at all. Thank you. I've tried too many times to get out of my shell because I've been told to. And guess what, I don't tick that way because me, I'm an actual real introvert and have learned my lesson.
Ha, no I'm definitely not, and have never been, an HR manager. It's just one of those lessons I've learnt over multiple decades of working in an office and similar environments. The thought realigning is just to realise that you're not trying to "placate" others, or do them a favour by granting them your time, but you're actually helping yourself as being part of the 'in' group, even if you're then quiet can make life a lot smoother. I've found people a lot more accommodating once they know me well enough to know I'm not being hostile reserved, so much as just quiet and focused reserved. It usually doesn't take more than a few minutes per day of saying hi and maybe listening to their excitement about the latest sportsball results before people sort of mentally tick you off as being part of the group.
I'm not trying to say it's easy, it's not. It's not particularly enjoyable to begin with either, but as you get into the habit of it and expect to spend x minutes per day conversing with people, it gets less difficult. Also, just listening with an occasional "uh huh" goes a surprisingly long way, people always appreciate a listener, and that way you don't have to do much talking.
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could yo describe why it made you miserable? To me a job is something I do for money, not because I need friends. There are bars and clubs to meet people.
This was years ago. But I've never been much into the bars and clubs scene. I remember at the time just feeling isolated and alone. I didn't like spending 8-12 hours every day without any connection to anyone. Along with an extremely high pressure work environment, I was breaking down into tears on my way home most days.
I did it to myself so I was able to open up and find ways to connect to the people around me once I changed my attitude.
I also found some solidarity. It started as just a few complaints about how things were run but eventually I joined the union who helped me recoup a bunch of stolen wages.
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People are assholes; Ignore 90% of what they say, if possible. Just be yourself. It’s the best person you could possibly be.
I'm surprised to see that your post has been upvoted. Usually the shy, quiet ones are mistaken for arrogant jerks and get bullied and downvoted by the extroverts.
I'm actually conflicted because on one hand I want to be me, my freedom above everything else, I choose my friends and the people I open up to and otoh I wonder if I should play theatrics for short bursts of time (like 2 minutes) to placate some people's fragile egos.
My teenager self with my parents were like yours: open up, talk more, you are not normal (yup, my father told me that). They bullied me and I tried that for a week, extremely tiring and ridiculous to talk to them about stupid sh*t I don't care about just to please the needy extroverts, but obviously I would go back to my normal self, because they are so tiring. My parents didn't respect me, same as these needy coworkers now.
It doesn't make any sense trying to change a person's personality. So sad that extroverts feel we do this because we hate them.
I still don't know what the ideal solution is, or if there's an ideal solution.
thanks for your post and good luck to you.
we gotta keep trying
is my opinion at least
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