How can you apply "think before you speak" if it isn't feasible to pause for 15 seconds between every sentence you say mid conversation????
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You tried therapy and that's good the problem is trying to find a GOOD therapist is very difficult.MOST of them shouldn't be a therapist they can only regurgitate what they were told in class. They can't think outside of the box and think critically.
I respect the fact that you are trying to find an answer to solve your problem.
You even gave examples of different coworker situations.
Sadly I don't have an answer for you. The only thing I can say is don't give up.
Maybe sit down with one of them one on one outside of work. Mention what happened earlier and that you noticed a serious change in their body language and apologize then say you want to do better. Then ask for their input on what you did wrong. Maybe they can help.
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I had considered coworker 3 to be my friend a bit tbh. But that is not supposed to be the case, right? We are not supposed to be friends or anything. I am supposed to find friends elsewhere and not think of them that way, right?
I can't tell if this is sarcastic or genuine.
If it's genuine: congrats on finding a new friend. Don't cut them off because an internet rando said something.
If it's sarcastic: it's inappropriate to react to advice that you solicited in that manner.
Coworker 2: Yeah, running a 10 minute mile is easy. Anyone can do it. ...
If someone is full of shit at work, I'd just nod and smile. Unless there's something to be gained by calling them out, I'd just note that they are uninformed on that topic and move on.
If people want to discuss serious topics with me then I'm just not supposed to contribute, right??
Again, I'm not sure if this is sarcastic or genuine. The two question marks, and the "right" make me think it's sarcastic, but I could be wrong.
Either way: talk about what you want. However, if you want to keep things civil with your coworkers, it's easier if you avoid divisive topics.
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Keep conversation away from your beliefs until you know where the other person stands.
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Ask questions. People like talking about themselves, so that's an easy way to keep things moving.
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Make noncommittal statements.
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Well yyeah so I kind of wrote the post in a detached manner because I am trying to mechanically optimize conversation. Doing things organically doesn't work out for me even though my heart is in the right place and I just want to get along with people and for us to be happy.
I'm 30. People telling me that things will work out once you get to know people better do not at all understand that I have spent many many years doing this and yet I still fail horribly multiple times per week. I'm not some teen with a still developing brain. This is the way I am and I want to figure out how to improve and be more correct in my interactions. If it hasn't organically happened in 30 years, it's not going to organically happen now.
I have just never been skilled in that manner. So I would like to try to break it down into a more logical way where I could actually work on it. All too often I get frustrated that no one has written a guidebook on every facet of human interaction.
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They just get upset with me if I do that unfortunately. I'm never supposed to talk to them about things when I make them upset.
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Oh God...how can I possibly hope to think of every single permutation of conversation??? It sounds like I would be thinking about conversations indefinitely if I did that. Any tips???
No, I am not in the Midwest. I did have a therapist ask me once if I was neurodivergent and I said no. I don't think I fall in line with anything like autism or anything like that. I do struggle with human interaction but everything else about me seems pretty "neurotypical". Even in conversation, I actually am able to carry on normally and understand a lot of social cues, I think. I struggle a bit with anxiety and told someone that I struggle sometimes to order food at places because of that. That person told me "that's weird because you seem totally normal" in a non sarcastic way. It made me feel good actually lol and like I'm very normal passing haha.
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I can't tell if this is sarcastic or genuine.
I apologize if anything came off as sarcastic! I am being very serious in my questions. I don't really understand how any of this works. I have been reading the replies but it's tricky to respond to them all.
With the friend thing, there are a lot of philosophies people have about work. Some people believe I shouldn't speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it's difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies. It seems like a lot of peopl would like the former...that I should speak minimally and just do my work. I struggle with the former philosophy because you spend most of your waking hours working, so I would like to get some enjoyment out of it. But that is wrong, no?
And like the person who I had considered to be a friend. They have a busy life outside of work so it's wrong to bother them, correct?
The person who I had considered to be a friend sometimes likes to talk about serious topics. But I am not really sure what to do when that comes up because I at times give the wrong answers. I know a lot about their beliefs. We have different ones and usually that's perfectly ok argue or anything.
If someone is full of shit at work, I'd just nod and smile. Unless there's something to be gained by calling them out, I'd just note that they are uninformed on that topic and move on.
They weren't actually full of shit...they are just super fit and don't realize that they are a bit outside the norm.
So one of the things I've noticed is that I slipped up like this because it was in the middle of a flowing conversation. I didn't stop to realize that I was about to say the wrong thing because we were having a lot of back and forth lighthearted chatting. That's why I've brought up this topic to begin with tbh. Of I am not in a flowing conversation, it's easier for me to pause and think before a response. When I am in a conversation I fuck up. I don't know anyone who pauses between each sentence even utilizing this "think before you speak" attitude, so I'd like to find out how to implement it in a better way. Idk.
I do appreciate your time.
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I get that I am truly a horrible person, truly. I struggle with that every day. I did try to apologize to my coworker in that instance, but they were not at all receptive to it. Usually the things that I say that get reactions like that are much more innocuous...like letting coworker 2 know that they can leave early (we are salaried and still get a full days pay if we leave early).
But no, coworker 1 is on a level that is difficult for me to describe. Coworker 1 causes issues with almost everyone they come in contact with including the leaders of many different departments. It has been so bad with coworker 1 that they have made me think that I was going to get fired and/or made me want to quit my job. Coworker 1 has had multiple complaints filed against them to HR by multiple different people. To my knowledge, that has not occurred on my end at all.
So coworker 1 is a bit dangerous to interact with, hence many of us do so minimally.
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No, I don't currently pause between each sentence. Usually conversation flows quite smoothly. But it flows until I make a grave error and then it shuts down catastrophically. My question was saying "how can I think before I speak" because pausing after each sentence would be incredibly jarring and not work with conversational flow if that makes sense.
Coworker 3 has occasionally asked that out of genuine concern when I have been having a bad time. But it's a trick question because I'm not supposed to respond that I am having a bad time. It is the incorrect response and will make them upset, even if they tell me that I can be honest. It's very confusing because coworker 3 will occasionally tell me that it's ok to come to them with things, but the reality is that isn't true. If I do that, it makes them upset. So one of the biggest things is that I have worked to not tell coworker 3 when something is bothering me and not share feelings like this with them. But it is confusing when they do things that indicate that it's ok and welcomed for me to do so when it isn't. They say one thing but I am supposed to act in a way that is discordant with what they indicate, which is confusing.
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Yes, they accuse me of "overthinking" things a lot on general. But they don't realize that I have to do this in order to try to do things more correctly. Lack of enough thought is what gets me into these kinds of situations, you know?
I'm definitely not imagining most of these. If everyone is happily smiling and chatting away, and then I make a mistake which causes a sudden change in facial expression, curt response, and the sudden end of a flowing conversation, then it's not my imagination.
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It sounds like I would be thinking about conversations indefinitely if I did that. Any tips???
No, that's pretty much it, think about conversations indefinitely. After a while it's pretty automatic, people aren't all that different from each other.
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Then it sounds like you work with assholes. If person a sits down with person b and says I’m sorry about what happened I want to do better. Please help me. Let’s talk about what I did wrong so I can improve myself. Only an asshole says no.
There is an obvious exception to that statement, if you are sitting there and yelling at them or being incredibly incredibly aggressive during the initial conversation. They might not be receptive right away. But if you come back, say the next day and apologize and say look, I wanna do better know I was in the wrong, but I need your help to improve. Can we talk so I can make sure I never do that again? A human being would say yes a good person will say yes let’s figure this out an asshole will say no.
It’s called compassion and sympathy. Sadly it’s also something that is sorely lacking in the United States and worldwide right now.
I guess here’s a question for you. Is this happening at multiple jobs or is it happening just at the current job?
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Your coworkers are not your therapists. If they say “are you ok?” you’re not required to answer them truthfully. You can just say “I’m fine, thanks” and then ask how they are doing or whatever. Be careful what you say to others in the workplace. It can be used against you. Your coworkers are not your friends. Some can actively be looking for any excuse to screw you over so they can get ahead in their job.
As for “think before you speak” I think of that as “think about what your response will be before saying it.” You don’t have to think while speaking. That shit can trip you up big time. Think of conversation as a round of tennis or ping pong. It’s just a back and forth.
And yes, in the workplace it’s a good idea to keep a lot of shit to yourself. Remember that they have their own stuff to deal with. Often people are just being polite when they ask you what’s wrong or whatever. They might as be catching bad vibes and are wanting to know it’s going to affect them. Or they’re drama llamas and want to soak it up or, again have ammo to use against you later.
You can be yourself at the workplace with spilling your guts out or making yourself vulnerable to everyone. You’ve already shared your solution: Often you should keep things to yourself and just talk about work-related things. Leave any political opinions at the door. Keep social interactions as shallow as possible if it’s not work related. Social stuff like food, the weather, what you saw on Netflix, etc. Shallow stuff that doesn’t offend anyone or expose your belly to them, etc.
Welcome to the adult working life of walking on eggshells. It is indeed taxing.
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This is an awesome response. When you think about it, a similar saying is “Read the room.” While not entirely 1:1, it’s a similar theme of employing empathy.
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I read this as “Don’t talk about people’s backs and I was in agreement with that cus that would be creepy. lol
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If we have a toilet paper shortage, I’m blaming you. lol
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Look, communicating awkwardly doesn't make you a horrible person. I think part of it is you have a confidence problem. It sounds like you always cowtow to your coworkers' reactions, even going so far as apologizing when you haven't objectively done anything wrong (your responses don't seem that weird, but maybe it is the way you say things). It seems odd to me that anyone would be offended by an offer to go home early, unless you're making it seem like you specifically don't want them to be around.
At the end of the day, your coworkers are just people with their own issues and imperfections. They are probably not experts at communication either, so don't treat them as such. I would not take any social cues from coworker 1.
You may not be able to change the dynamic at work, so my advice is to find a way to socialize outside of work (with people who actually like & respect you!). That way you won't have to rely on your workplace for those needs.
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I'm fighting the same battle, because I am in a quasi-leadership role now, and I have to say the examples of positivity and optimism, when my instinctive reactions to most things are rolling my eyes and sighing because "Ugh, not this shit again." Is going to be an uphill battle. The funny part is, I'm never actually upset. The more problems get thrown my way, the more excited I get to solve them. Unfortunately I have this very odd habit of presenting my excitement in a way that everyone else in the world understands to be frustration and negativity.
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Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm enjoying this because it gives me a chance to understand my own beliefs. And it's fun to spout off.
Some people believe I shouldn't speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it's difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies.
There's no correct answer here. You've expressed a preference for chatting, so let's support that.
We have different [beliefs] and usually that's perfectly ok and I we don't really argue or anything. But sometimes I still do it wrong or say something with too much emotion in my voice or something.
Occasional or friendly disagreement is fine, so long as it doesn't poison the relationship.
Could you pause before replying to sort out your feelings? If you're concerned that you have too much emotion in your voice, that could give you time to notice your emotional state and dial it down. You could even turn the disagreement into more of a joke or quip rather than something heartfelt.
You can use your pause as part of the conversation. Give a thoughtful "huh" or maybe start with a throw away phrase of "I hadn't thought about that" and then pause.
Some people are in a hurry to say their piece - they really wanna get their thought or idea in. In my experience, it's helpful not to do that. It's difficult though.
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I can be like this sometimes, but I normally try to let people know that the dogs are whirring.
- Hmm, good question...let me think...
- How can I put this?
- What's the phrase I'm looking for?
I'll especially do this if I'm speaking to people whose first language is something else, as I'll want to answer the question without resorting to idioms or slang. No point telling a Frenchman that the situation is a bit of a dog and pony show.
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It's called empathy. Their words and actions obviously have an effect on you, so it shouldn't be surprising that the opposite is true as well. Reading people and their moods inform this and help you predict how they might react in the moment.
I suspect most of what you're talking about is about timing. Taking a jovial mood and injecting serious topics without warning will piss people off. You're killing the mood. "Don't be so negative" sounds to me like you're not reading the room. Let people enjoy those times. If you need to raise a serious subject with someone - a deft "now's not the time, but I'd like to talk about something" allows them to finish up, switch gears, and then have a more serious discussion.
The same goes the other way. Injecting jokes in a serious discussion can cause problems too.
The whole thing is like merging into traffic. You have to match the pace of the traffic flow. Too fast or too slow causes pile-ups.
