How can you apply "think before you speak" if it isn't feasible to pause for 15 seconds between every sentence you say mid conversation????
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It sounds like I would be thinking about conversations indefinitely if I did that. Any tips???
No, that's pretty much it, think about conversations indefinitely. After a while it's pretty automatic, people aren't all that different from each other.
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Then it sounds like you work with assholes. If person a sits down with person b and says I’m sorry about what happened I want to do better. Please help me. Let’s talk about what I did wrong so I can improve myself. Only an asshole says no.
There is an obvious exception to that statement, if you are sitting there and yelling at them or being incredibly incredibly aggressive during the initial conversation. They might not be receptive right away. But if you come back, say the next day and apologize and say look, I wanna do better know I was in the wrong, but I need your help to improve. Can we talk so I can make sure I never do that again? A human being would say yes a good person will say yes let’s figure this out an asshole will say no.
It’s called compassion and sympathy. Sadly it’s also something that is sorely lacking in the United States and worldwide right now.
I guess here’s a question for you. Is this happening at multiple jobs or is it happening just at the current job?
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Your coworkers are not your therapists. If they say “are you ok?” you’re not required to answer them truthfully. You can just say “I’m fine, thanks” and then ask how they are doing or whatever. Be careful what you say to others in the workplace. It can be used against you. Your coworkers are not your friends. Some can actively be looking for any excuse to screw you over so they can get ahead in their job.
As for “think before you speak” I think of that as “think about what your response will be before saying it.” You don’t have to think while speaking. That shit can trip you up big time. Think of conversation as a round of tennis or ping pong. It’s just a back and forth.
And yes, in the workplace it’s a good idea to keep a lot of shit to yourself. Remember that they have their own stuff to deal with. Often people are just being polite when they ask you what’s wrong or whatever. They might as be catching bad vibes and are wanting to know it’s going to affect them. Or they’re drama llamas and want to soak it up or, again have ammo to use against you later.
You can be yourself at the workplace with spilling your guts out or making yourself vulnerable to everyone. You’ve already shared your solution: Often you should keep things to yourself and just talk about work-related things. Leave any political opinions at the door. Keep social interactions as shallow as possible if it’s not work related. Social stuff like food, the weather, what you saw on Netflix, etc. Shallow stuff that doesn’t offend anyone or expose your belly to them, etc.
Welcome to the adult working life of walking on eggshells. It is indeed taxing.
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This is an awesome response. When you think about it, a similar saying is “Read the room.” While not entirely 1:1, it’s a similar theme of employing empathy.
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I read this as “Don’t talk about people’s backs and I was in agreement with that cus that would be creepy. lol
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If we have a toilet paper shortage, I’m blaming you. lol
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Look, communicating awkwardly doesn't make you a horrible person. I think part of it is you have a confidence problem. It sounds like you always cowtow to your coworkers' reactions, even going so far as apologizing when you haven't objectively done anything wrong (your responses don't seem that weird, but maybe it is the way you say things). It seems odd to me that anyone would be offended by an offer to go home early, unless you're making it seem like you specifically don't want them to be around.
At the end of the day, your coworkers are just people with their own issues and imperfections. They are probably not experts at communication either, so don't treat them as such. I would not take any social cues from coworker 1.
You may not be able to change the dynamic at work, so my advice is to find a way to socialize outside of work (with people who actually like & respect you!). That way you won't have to rely on your workplace for those needs.
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I'm fighting the same battle, because I am in a quasi-leadership role now, and I have to say the examples of positivity and optimism, when my instinctive reactions to most things are rolling my eyes and sighing because "Ugh, not this shit again." Is going to be an uphill battle. The funny part is, I'm never actually upset. The more problems get thrown my way, the more excited I get to solve them. Unfortunately I have this very odd habit of presenting my excitement in a way that everyone else in the world understands to be frustration and negativity.
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Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm enjoying this because it gives me a chance to understand my own beliefs. And it's fun to spout off.
Some people believe I shouldn't speak and should only work all day, while others seem to prefer to chat once in a while. For me, it's difficult for me to know the most correct way to act in terms of these two philosophies.
There's no correct answer here. You've expressed a preference for chatting, so let's support that.
We have different [beliefs] and usually that's perfectly ok and I we don't really argue or anything. But sometimes I still do it wrong or say something with too much emotion in my voice or something.
Occasional or friendly disagreement is fine, so long as it doesn't poison the relationship.
Could you pause before replying to sort out your feelings? If you're concerned that you have too much emotion in your voice, that could give you time to notice your emotional state and dial it down. You could even turn the disagreement into more of a joke or quip rather than something heartfelt.
You can use your pause as part of the conversation. Give a thoughtful "huh" or maybe start with a throw away phrase of "I hadn't thought about that" and then pause.
Some people are in a hurry to say their piece - they really wanna get their thought or idea in. In my experience, it's helpful not to do that. It's difficult though.
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I can be like this sometimes, but I normally try to let people know that the dogs are whirring.
- Hmm, good question...let me think...
- How can I put this?
- What's the phrase I'm looking for?
I'll especially do this if I'm speaking to people whose first language is something else, as I'll want to answer the question without resorting to idioms or slang. No point telling a Frenchman that the situation is a bit of a dog and pony show.
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It's called empathy. Their words and actions obviously have an effect on you, so it shouldn't be surprising that the opposite is true as well. Reading people and their moods inform this and help you predict how they might react in the moment.
I suspect most of what you're talking about is about timing. Taking a jovial mood and injecting serious topics without warning will piss people off. You're killing the mood. "Don't be so negative" sounds to me like you're not reading the room. Let people enjoy those times. If you need to raise a serious subject with someone - a deft "now's not the time, but I'd like to talk about something" allows them to finish up, switch gears, and then have a more serious discussion.
The same goes the other way. Injecting jokes in a serious discussion can cause problems too.
The whole thing is like merging into traffic. You have to match the pace of the traffic flow. Too fast or too slow causes pile-ups.
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Give me an example of what you said.
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It could be the case that coworker 3 wants to help you, but is unable to, and that makes them feel really bad. And I think that talking about serious topics with too much emotion can be off-putting for a discussion. And can communicate the heightened level of emotion you're displaying.
